thankful praises

Praises be to You,
The wonderful God who goes beyond all understanding,
The awesome God whose goodness is without end,
The great God who loves, and never stop loving.

Thank You,
For the results that is well, even while not up to my hope, it was still well, despite my shortcomings, despite my imperfection.

Thank You,
For the life that is still within me,
That I'm not yet dead,
Let me not die of a worthless death,
But if I were to die, let it be in Your arms, while I am living for You.

Thank You,
For the friends I am given,
For the blessings that they are,
Though at times, I am unworthy of their company.

Thank You,
For all the times You make me smile,
Remind me of my vows,
To not let ANYTHING to ever take away the happiness that I have,
To not be bothered by discouragements,
And to always, be joyful in Your presence, in Your love.

Thank You,
For the life plans that I have in mind,
If I were to ever live that long,
Thank you for allowing me to see farther,
Through my failure, through my shortcomings.

Thank You,
For revealing Your will to us at the time it's supposed to be,
Not earlier, not later,
For enabling us to see Your plans for what it is,
For not having us as Your servants anymore, but friends.

Thank You,
For wonders shown,
Small ones that are greater than the larger ones,
For blessings poured,
For a life, given to be lived even more abundantly,
Overflowing, our heart cannot contain the love that You have for us.

Thank You,
With unworthy words,
It cannot perfectly describe Your goodness,
Words cannot say it all,

Only through our deeds, that we give it back to You,
Only through the things we do, that we can ever say that we love You too.

in current best

At times, when we are faced with a certain issue to be solved, we tend to suspect something so strongly, that we wouldn't even consider other possibilities.

But then again, even if we are to allow ourselves to be more open to other possible causes, would it even help?

I was fixing my dad's computer, because the newly installed CRT monitor flickers uncontrollably, at the right side of the screen.
At first, I was so sure that it was because of the fixed refresh rate of 60Hz that was causing it to behave so.
I changed the screen resolution, and was able to increase the refresh rate. The flickering was reduced, but it was still there.
It seems like there was nothing else I could do, so I considered the problem solved, though unsatisfied.

Today, I found out that it was not the refresh rate that was causing the flickering, but rather the UPS that was placed just beside the monitor.

Would I have solved the problem sooner if I were to allow myself to think of other causes?

Or will it still be the same, but only causing me to be more stressed and unable to concentrate?

I can never answer these questions, for I only know that it is after what I did at first that I was able to figure out the real solution.

To start solving something, I need to at least start somewhere, no?

Does it matter if my first attempt was the correct one?

For even in scientific discoveries, it is through continuous trials that one is able to find something new, something useful.

Should I regret the time spent on the wrong attempts, or should I rejoice for it is through my mistakes that I was able to get it right afterwards?

For now, many of these questions lie unanswered, but what I truly understand is that if I was trying to be sensitive to all the possible sources of a problem, I can never know which unless I start working on the nearest possibility.
I can ponder forever, but I will never ever know.

Sometimes we look back at our mistakes, and wonder whether the time spent on it was worth it, we wonder whether it was worth regretting?

One cannot know the future, except God alone.
If there's anything we can do, it is to act in accordance to the best current knowledge that we possess, and to give our best in carrying it through.

Whether it'll fail or not, that's another story.

And keep in mind that it's also important to wait for God, no matter how urgent a matter may seem.
As to what waiting for God means, that I leave to your own study. :)

I hope no matter what you do, that you'll firstly commit it to Him, give it the best you can in accordance to your best current ability and judgement, and after that letting go and not worry of the outcome, for it is useless to worry for something you cannot know and do anything about.

May you be blessed knowing who is God, and knowing that He holds the works of your hands. :)

untitled

I dislike my habit of clinging hard unto the hand that pulls me along.

I totally hate it.

regrets

Yesterday, I had regrets.

A surprising amount of regrets in a single day.

My exam. I could only answer 3 out of the supposedly 4. Why you ask? Because I wasn't serious enough about it. I didn't know that another chapter exists.
For the first time ever, I left the exam hall 30 minuntes earlier.
For the first time ever, as far as I can remember, I regretted my unseriousness.

My laughter. Sometimes, I laugh way too much. I regret it. Many times I regret laughing for the sake of laughing. Many times I hoped that I was able to keep a calm face, and just present a smile once in a while.
My laughter, they shouldn't exist.

My knowledge. My enthusiasm. May they be deeply concealed within me, not be shown, not be displayed.
Most of the time I feel inferior when I think I've given the wrong answer, when I've said something too soon without verifying them.
And I go all the way to prove that I am right, only to find my ego at the end of my find.

I rather that not. I rather feeling inferior, than feeling superior. I rather esteem others more than myself than esteem myself more than others.
The pain to suppress an ego is much much more than the sadness of inferiority. I do not want to look at others with these pair of prideful eyes. I do not wanna see myself with this egoistical heart.

Often, I forget that in mistakes, I am liberated. By being wrong, I am free.

How, you ask?

I am liberated from the bonds that entangles me, to have me be correct all the time.

I am free from the chains that binds me, from the need to live up to other people's expectations.

I forget that in shame I lose much, but that is when God is able to reside within me.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

I shall stop here, because I have no idea what I'm writing anymore. One hour sleep for the whole day, and here I am still, not taking my rest. I shall, I shall.

But one thing I learn from yesterday that I wish to share is that I found out that regrets from little little incidents linger and holds stronger in my heart.

There are times I regret being a christian.
But I don't think I ever regret the day God found me.
That was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and will always be.

I wanna get baptised, but for now, I need to clear some doubts that lingers in my heart. But where can I find such person with such refined knowledge, where can I find a person whose heart's truth is not swayed by questions?

So, for now Lord, I wait, I wait.

sufficient

What is this sadness?
This little cry from within,
I recognise not.

You understand, Lord.
Only You do, and only You will.

Words cannot describe,
humanly comfort will not suffice.

There is a longing to just break down and cry,
There is a wanting to just shout out and scream.
For no reason,
or for a reason that was forcefully forgotten.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

It's buried deep within me.
Its existence, denied.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

Only You understand, Lord.
Only You suffice,
only You suffice.

unspeak

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Are the things said wrongly said,
Or they shouldn't have been said at all?

Why am I required to speak,
When my silence would do us good?

Why are honesty seeked,
If it hurts so well?

Why should we talk,
When there's nothing to be said,
Except for a pool of emotions,
Laying dormant, lying hidden;
Unconveyed, incommunicated?

Why do we force a chat,
And say all the wrong things?

Can we not speak with silence,
Can we not talk without words?

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Sleepless nights are to be expected,
Worries and anxieties, rejoices.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Why is it honestly spoken,
When it is bound to hurt?

Why do we even want to know,
When we understand the possibility of being hurt,
When we understand the possibility of being sad.

Will the regrets of not knowing,
Be harder to bear?

Curiosity kills the cat,
But to not know, regret.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

i miss...

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Kurindu mengatakan bahawa,
hanya Engkau yang 'kan kubawa,
s'panjang hidupku.

B'rapa lama kan ku tinggal begini,
tanganku ditegah dari mencapai,
Dan di sana Kau menanti,
dengan kegemilangan dan keagunganMu,
menanti saatku tiba,
menanti saatku pulang,
dari larianku.

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Dengan seluruh jiwa dan hayatku,
aku cinta padaMu,
Kan ku nyanyikan lagu indah untuk dengaranMu,
dan dari bibirku mazmur untukMu,
Kata kata manis yang menyatakan,
bahawa aku cinta padaMu.

everyday

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
Each day is something hard to live by,
Why why, should you ask,
It's because I had to deal much with people,
Your people.

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
That in my prayers,
Even if I don't get what I want,
I can still trust You for the best,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
and not the people that think they're the one who should be.

Lord Lord,
Each day I call You Lord,
In my prayers while walking to campus,
Everytime before I taste my meal,
When I pray for my friends, and together,
But it's funny how,
The more I ask try to visualize You,
The more I realise that I know little of You,
When I thought I knew a lot.

Lord Lord,
Even though I can see that I know You not,
My hands, they are heavy to reach to Your words,
To the well-accepted Scriptures,
Even now, I don't really understand what they are,
Questions Lord, questions in my heart is building up,
About how You truly work,
Everything I've seem to already know,
You have crush it down,
To pieces Lord, to pieces.

Lord Lord,
How can I share of Your goodness,
If I know You not?
I know You are good,
but that's all there is that I know of.
Who are You, really?
Even when I say I do love You,
It's amazing that I know You not,
I know You not.

Lord Lord,
Why is it that my memories seem to be fading away,
My recollections aren't gathering together,
They are fleeing away.
My eyes are being blinded again,
Or is it that it's only now that I know I see clearly not?


Lord Lord,
I can talk to people about who You really are,
of the rightful doctrines of the orthodoxy Christianity,
And of the speculative beliefs of various denominations,
But why is it that I seem to know You not,
I seem to know You not?
My heart yearn to seek You out,
but my hands are weary,
To seek You out again,
my mind is weary,
Tired of the necessity of a repeated toil,
To get to know You again,
again Lord.

Lord Lord,
Has my mind been darkened,
By all the things that I have done,
That are not rightful in Your sight.
Or is this the reason You forbade me to ever touch it?
Knowing that the more I bathe in it,
The more chances I have,
To get my senses dulled,
My sights dimmed,
and my mind darkened?

Lord Lord,
I have vowed,
To never set my heart upon the beauty of a woman,
For as long as I am not worthy,
Not worthy of such a gift,
Not able of such a responsibility,
But for what have I said such things,
For what I have promised such an obscure thing?
And when the day comes that I understand no more,
Remind me Lord,
Remind me Lord.

Lord Lord,
Why do I feel so judged,
To know that no matter what I do,
There will always be a mistake,
A mistake Lord,
That might be as unforgiveable as it might be,
That might be a stumbling block,
That might be a blocking wall, Lord.
Everyday,
Is hard to live by,
With so many expectation, to and from.

Lord Lord,
Everyday is hard to live by,
With so many choices,
My eyes are blurred,
From knowing what is right,
From knowing what is true,
The heaviness of having to consult You in everything,
And even so, it might not be right afterall,
Do you speak with such certainty to me, still?
How should I know if it is You who whispers to me, Lord?
Even when I think You speak,
Even so, there might still be fault,
And these Lord, these will be judged.
I will be condemned, Lord.

Lord Lord,
Who am I to go to,
When the night is still,
When the day is quietened?
Let me not lean towards my friends and my foes,
Let me not seek to be fulfilled by their presence.

Lord Lord,
Don't send them always,
Don't.
I do not wish to be fulfilled by their friendship,
Nor their companionship.
Because I'll forget of You Lord,
I'll get so comfortable I'll forget about You Lord.
Because I had once done so, and it was so.

Lord Lord,
Let my comfort be You,
The cover of my loneliness,
The cover of my helplessness,
The cover of my emptiness.
Don't send friends always Lord, don't send them always.
Let Holy Spirit be my comforter, let Him be.
Let Him satisfy my soul, that I thirst no more.
I wish not to be dependent,
To anyone else other than You,
other than You, Lord.

Lord Lord,
I know love enough not -
To speak when one is wrong.
I know love enough not -
To rebuke when one is strayed.
I know love enough not -
By being silent when I should speak.
I know love enough not -
By being supportive when I should not?
I know love enough not -
By not judging when I should?
Which way to go, what things to do.

Lord Lord,
Is love not judging all the time?
Is love being supportive in all things?
Is love not saying anything when something is thought to be wrong?
Is love fearful of being judged after speaking while being imperfect ourselves?
Am I loving by not pointing out mistakes?
Am I loving when defending when I know of the wrong?

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
Everyday is hard to live by,
In the eyes of the people,
The works of my hands is imperfect,
My history dug out to my shame,
The world is unforgiving,
It is cruel.
No matter how perfect I am Lord,
I will never be in their eyes.

Lord Lord,
Make me understand Lord,
That You wish me to live peaceably with all,
Not to please,
Not to please Lord.
Let Thy will be done,
Not mine,
Not theirs,
Not anyone else's, but Thy will be done.
Even when it goes against mine so hurtful and heartbreaking,
Even when it goes against theirs to bring about scornful looks and harsh remarks,
Let me learn to accept Thy will,
And let me trust Lord, let me trust in Thy will,
For Thee know it all,
Thee know it all.

Lord Lord,
Praises be to You,
of the greatness of Your will,
And the wonder of Your grace.
Your comfort falls like dew in the dark of the night,
Soft and slow.
Teach me to endure the heat of the day,
To wait upon Your comfort Lord,
And Your will,
For perfection is not in an instance, but is one with the essence of time.

Lord Lord,
Teach my heart,
That it'll be still in wait of You,
In complete trust of Your plans,
In full acceptance of Your will,
For even if it goes against mine,
I know that it's always made with me in mind,
With me in mind.

trials

I once heard a story about a lecturer asking his students to mark their own papers after giving them a written test. While marking, they wonder whether he'd be worried that they'll cheat. When they wanted to hand over the checked paper to him, he told them to keep it. The test wasn't for him to see how well they are doing, but was instead for they themselves to know it.

When we face trials, and have to decide whether to be obedient or to follow our own passion or desire, I'm pretty sure God already knows what we'll be doing. Then why are these trials still given to us, if He's already know how well we'll fare?

I, probably more than others, am one who hates to be tested of my sincerity and knowledge. Nothing annoys me more than when someone asks questions pretending not knowing just to see how much I know.

'When I say that I love You, are you doubting me?'
'Shouldn't You be trusting my words, the words of tears filled with promises and vows I made to You, instead of testing me to see whether they're worth as much as I said they are?'
'Don't You believe me when I said I would go to the lengths just for You?'

'Why do you put me in a situation where I have to choose between me and You?'

"No, I'm not allowing you to be in trials and tribulations so that I can see if you really meant what you said."
"Instead, I want you to see for yourself whether you really meant what you've said."
"I've already know what you'll do."
"These are for you to see for yourself if you really understands what you're saying, and understand it enough to do it."
"It's all for your sake, not Mine."

-Trial is not something God uses to measure your performance, but rather for you to see for yourself how much you really meant by what you've said.-

Thank You Lord for trials, for decisions to be made, for tribulations to go through, for freedom to choose, for freewill, and for Your forgiveness of our wrong choices.

Thank You.

vacation

Have you ever felt anxiety from something uncertain, that it could stop you in your track, creating an illusion that you're occupied to the max?

And have you ever felt you can't waste even a few minutes to sit down, relax and to think the matter over because you can use those time to work, even when you don't really know what you're so busy about?

For now, I feel uncertain about certain matter, even though it's over it haunts me. Yet, I can easily rid myself of this worries by just spending a few minutes pondering about it, to analyze the situation, and to make a firm decision of what to do and what not to do.

But I don't. Why is it so, I can't really figure out. Prolly because I like being intoxicated in this kind of air, to worry to my patience's brim, to feel like I'm spending precious moments in something that is worth doing.

It makes me feel good and bad at the same time that it's extremely paradoxical.

And sometimes I do wonder about the decisions I make. Should I be firmer to say no, and be slower to say yes?

If I really think that I wouldn't be of much help, to be assigned to a task that's not my forte, should I really strongly voice out a 'no'?

Or to just follow through, that I might be able to help?

But if I were to be so, wouldn't I be sitting in a place of someone who would've been able to do much more?

Am I really trying to help, or just trying to satisfy my ego and my pride? But what is there to satisfy?

There are times when I do wonder about the decisions and stands that I make, what am I trying to prove by the things I do?

Is this really for You Lord, or is it for myself?

The decision to stand through with a person, to be a support pillar even when they're making a bad and wrong choice. Is that trust, is that faith, or is it self-gratification?

The decision to be against the norm of Your people, to be against structural and organizational churches, to be so rebellious in the eyes of others. Is this faith, or is it because I understand of Your freedom that You gave us by dying on the cross, or am I just stubborn?

The decision to be philosophical in most things, to seek the very core of an issue rather than just looking on the surface. Am I really seeking to understand, or am I just seeking to be different?

The decision to follow through my extreme views on the blood relations of a family, of racial and ethnic differences and political matters. Are these just a method to excuse myself from the society-made responsibilities?

The decision to remove myself from stepping in too deep in my circle of friends; to not be in any clique;
The decision to disallow any of my friends from getting too close to me. Is it because I fear of disappointments, or is it because I do not want to receive anyone's pity?

The decision to drown myself in works, my assignments, taking extra courses. Are these really taken for self-improvement, or are they just medium to withdraw from people, to not think about other matters in life?

Ah, all these questions are jumbling up.
I guess I really need a lone vacation soon. :)

Grace-ful strength

Have you ever put a shirt in a bucket of water with other clothes, only to find out that it's colour-stained?
The kind that you can't think of other things to do with it other than to throw it away, to use it as a mat, or to totally bleach it.
And you've just wore it like, once?

Have you ever fell for no reason at all where you scrapped your right knee and left abdomen and left elbow and three fingers?
Where it could've been resulted in you breaking your new wrist-watch that you've just wore like, a few times?
Or worse even, crash your head unto the tar road and get an internal bleeding and brain damage?

Have you ever been so worried because you might be barred from final exam just because you were chose to be rebellious for a certain period of time and have exhausted your class-missing quota?


I couldn't hold back my tears just now when I went to collect my shirt and found out that most of the colour stain is gone.
I don't remember whether I asked God for this favour, I prolly did, but what's important here is I can't see why I deserve such grace.
Yes, it's a small matter, but I do not need to receive such undeserving favour in huge issues to know that my God is good.

Yes, this God that I threw away for sin, this God that I've insulted in my choices many, many times.

And my wounds are healing, and they are healing well.
I never thought I'd miss how nice it was to have a proper bathe, to be able to clean the toilet or the frying pan without worrying that your wounds would get infected.

If this little scar hurts, how painful was the stripes He beared on the day He was crucified?

I don't know whether I'll be barred from my final exam, but I know that there's always a price to be paid for disobedience.
I also know that the many instructions and commandments and advices He gave, not because He wanted to hold us slaves, or to make us enjoy life lesser; it was so that we can enjoy life to the fullest.

This I knew but I do not heed. Now it is time to be drowned in worries of the outcome.

But I do know that "all things work together for the good of those who love God, for those who are the called, according to their purposes."
I do not know whether I can say that I am a person who love God to have all things work together for me, but I also do know that "He knows the plans that He has for me, plans for good and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11.

And I pray that He enables me to be even more disciplined - for me to do the right things at the time they are hard to do.
I can easily take a shortcut solution to rid this worries from within me, but it's not rightful.

So, whatever comes, let me brave them in faith, and in hope, and in trust.

For now, I'll sing praises of hope and thanksgiving to Him, in my worries and my hope.

--Lord, won't You give me strength to make it through somehow;
I've never been more homesick than now. - MercyMe:Homesick--

in anticipation

I can cry a thousand tears,
for all the regrets I have in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I've let go of Your hand when I should've hold on tighter than ever.

I can kneel a thousand times,
for all the regrets I feel in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I turn away from Your presence when You wanted me to stay.

I can say a thousand sorry,
for all the regrets I hold in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I betrayed You when You only have me to be Your defense.

I can tell You that I love You, with tears in my eyes and soberness in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I spat at Your feet and insulted Your honour whenever the time comes for me to prove of the love I've said earlier.

I can tell You that I love You, with all sincerity I have, with every dignity I have,
but it'll never change the fact that I hurt You where it hurts the most, that I stepped on Your heart after breaking it into pieces.

While I've promised myself that I will never apologize for being who I am, I am sorrowful of doing things I will not to do, doing things I'm not supposed to do.

For every failure in every trial, for forgetting of who You are to me, for forgetting my love for You and Yours for me.

I yearn greatly for the day when I'll be able to be like who You are.
If I were to follow my heart, how I wish the day that I'll be perfected to be now, to be this very moment.

But for the very least that I know about You, I know that that this is never how it goes.

Thank You that Your love is not measured by how many tears I drop for You;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how worthy I am;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how faithful I am;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by what I do;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how good I am.

Thank You that Your love is as high as the heavens above, as deep as the ocean below.

Enable me to be stronger than this, better than this,
That my feet shall dance graceful steps that brings joy to Your heart,
That my voice shall sing sweet songs of praise to fill Your throne,
That I shall hear You say, "this is My friend; with him I am well pleased, for He is faithful and loving; he is My brother."

"Complement my piano playing, until the day when I'll be able to play it as good as You are; and when I have, I shall play for You beautiful pieces that will bring soothing melody to Your ears, and a smile to Your face."

I shall wait. In sorrow and in joy, in hatred and in love.

Godspeed

I'm pouring away,
I'm pouring away.

This feelings that has been welling up in this little heart of mine, has seem to overflow.

My heart cannot contain it,
It can no longer do.

There are so many things that I can imagine myself do if you were there to hold my hand, to provide me with reassurance, undying support and courage.
I can see myself as being able to be more than who I am, if you were to be behind me,
Pushing me when I'm staying put,
To bear my weight when I'm letting go and falling free,
And to affirm my faith when it is weak.

But I guess we can no longer be or rather, I can no longer do.

We've chatted so much that I rather not look at its history anymore.
I can never ever get used to be around you.
And this feelings, I understand no more.

From here I pour out my heart, letting every drop of affection run freely through the ground, every single thing I can never dream of letting go.

From here I'll find reassurance from heaven.
From here I'll find support from God, and from friends.
And from here I'll find courage from above, and from within.

It's not like I care not for you anymore. I still do. In a different way, perhaps.
I wish for your happiness, that you'll truly, one day be with a person God has destined for you.
I hope you'll be joyful, every single day if you may, dancing graceful steps for the Lord, and to Him alone.
In your every victory, let praises be given to the only One who is worthy of the words of your lips.
In your despair and grief, may you be clothed with divine comfort, may you be soothed with a consolation no mortal can provide.
And whenever you needed a friend, remember that I'll always be around; for as long as my breath is still within me, I will do my very best to come to your aid, to tend to your needs.

But for now,
To you my dear friend,
Goodbye,
and Godspeed.

not mine, but Yours

My heart sinks within me Lord,
Yearning to be released.

Confession is just a word away,
To send my grief adrift.

But yet Lord,
Let Your will be done, and not mine.

For I trust in Your purposeful plans,
I trust in the goodness of the work of Your hands.

For I've seen the beauty of Your path,
My plans cannot dream to compare.

Confession is just a word away,
To send my grief adrift.

But yet Lord,
Let Your will be done, and not mine.

extras

Is it important it is to involve God in a relationship? Very.

For those who has recognize God as their comforter in life, they should also realise that He is also the comforter in their humanly relationship.

One should not look upon their partner as the ultimate comfort, but a secondary one.

Why? Because everybody has their way of showing their love and care.

No matter how close they are to us, no matter how long they've been with us, often, they can never match up to our expectation unless of course, you're the 'god/goddess' of their life.

So, there'll always be time when they'll fall short, and be unable to provide comfort nor support.
When that happens, no matter how well established the relationship is, because we expect such things from them and they are not able to fulfill it, we tend to look for other people who can.

Relationship, if established and cultivated solely for selfish purposes, is just another problem waiting to happen, needlessly increasing the number of social problem that's already abundant.

Of course one would seek and expect love and care and comfort and support from their partner, but one shouldn't be totally, entirely dependent on each other; because we're humans and we're not perfect.

Always remember how fragile our life and our feelings are. Cherish every moment together, never take each other for granted, and always be honest. This privilege is only available on this side of life, and not beyond.
And always remember that the it is for God that we live, and while the rest is important, is still secondary and is entirely God-given extras.

drifting away

Almost fleeting, you.
Nearly gone, it is,
Drifting away into the unknown.

And I thank God for that.

the end

Some people says that knowing the beginning is not important because to attempt to reach the end is of more significance.

But think, if you don't even know anything about the beginning, how would you know that there's an end?

For example, it is somehow true that when an arrow struck you near the heart, the question of where it comes from, what is it made of and other stuff is of no importance. But if you don't know what kind of arrow it is, or whether it is made of certain type of metal, or whether it is imbued with poison, your initial attempt to save yourself is nothing but worthless and vain.

But then again, that example's not good enough to convey what I'm trying to say. Perhaps an example with a snake would be better.

Bah, nevermind, I think you got my point.

an afternoon warmth

The cause of my heartache,
Almost everytime you come to my mind.

Being so far away,
Like the breeze of the afternoon wind,
That always just passes by.

The very reason to my sleepless nights.
You.

But amidst all these that you've undeliberately caused to fall upon me, I'm glad I met you.
I really do.

Know that it is because of you that my smiles are more frequently seen.
Know that it is because of you that I wanted to know more people; in attempt to visit the world you're living in, in attempt to see what you're seeing through your pair of lovely eyes.
Know that it is because of you that I've finally come to accept my social responsibility, to start sharing the salt and the light I've been keeping selfishly.
And know that it is because of you that I can finally define what love really is.

And yes, it is true that God is the basic motivation and model in my strive to become a better person, but there are a lot of pieces of me that I've gathered from what you've been to me, from who you are to me.

And it is also because of you that my previous year was filled with much excitement, with many interesting events.
I thought it'd be dull when my sister left, but it was not so.

And it is also because of your support and your friendship that I was able to stay whole, that I was not swept away by the waves that fell in.

Your existence has become something that is truly precious to me, something that I truly cherish with every little bit of passion I have within me; being the very reason I'm reluctant to go to bed at night, being the very reason I look forward to daybright.

So, truly, thank you for being who you are, a woman who pours out her life to Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Thank you for living out your life with such passion, with such joy.
Your very life is an encouragement to me; it speaks with voices louder than words.

Continue to live your life, full and well. And continue faithfully in the Lord, for I can see that for all it's worth, He has adorned you with many fine things, both that can be seen and those that can only be felt, making you the beauty that you are.

And it is that very beauty that I've come to like, adore, and love.

a still morning

I've been wishing for a rainy and cloudy day that I've forgotten how beautiful a cool and bright day could be.

Rays of light pierces through the windowpane, breeze of air flowing by, bringing my soul to a peaceful still.

It is simply a Godsent.

complications

To the living, life can be complicated or simple or both.
To the dead, death is the same to all.

Being humans, most of the time, we complicated simple matters. It's true that some things can never be simple, but there are also things that shouldn't be complicated.

Why we do the things we do, to make things more difficult? Probably it's because of pride that we have? Or is it for romance? Or because we simply like it to be so?

Misunderstandings can be cleared with a simple heart-to-heart explanation.
Problems can be solved with a sincere sorry, and a forgiving heart.
Life can be continued with a mere confession of the heart.

There are things that we can afford to left floating and entangled, but there are also things we shouldn't.

Why should we let it be stagnant, growing bad and smelly till we have to walk away, till we have to run away?

Or perhaps we evaluate things too much, allowing more time to pass, increasing the variables in it like it's not already enough?

"Hear me out."
"I'm sorry."
"I love you."

But then again, even though I believe honesty is good, sometimes, silence works better.

Everytime I look up to a starry night sky, I began to think of how puny we humans are. How small is the troubles we go through day by day compared to the whole wide universe.

And probably only at the face of death that even the most arrogant person would throw away their pride for what really matters in their life.

untitled

Can someone tell me that it's not my fault that things go this way?

Can anyone tell me that it's not my fault it happened.

Can you tell me that it's not my fault that I feel this way.

But I do not seek comforting words, nor encouragement from a friend.
I just want someone to show me, to prove to me that it is indeed not my fault, I'm not to be held responsible for the mishap.

I just don't know what to do anymore, but to sit here, to lament in self-pity.

maybe

Just a little bit courage is all I need to brave the innumerable possibilites, and that little bit of courage is what I don't have. Or have yet to have. Or will never have.

Or maybe courage is not something that is waited upon, or gained but rather a decision to do something even with fear clinging all over.

Or maybe I just don't want to risk it because it'll disturb my current tranquil, it'll upset the balance of my everyday life and be troublesome.

And sometimes, thoughts like that makes me wonder whether I am a person possessing a cold, solidified heart.

Or maybe it's just my inability to at least imagine what would most probably take place, what to do, what to expect.

Or maybe it's just my feeling of insecurity, having to open up and be known.

It's like being a book with an interesting cover and having a summary at the back that arouses curiosity, but as the pages are flipped it is realised that the book isn't so interesting after all.
Full of flaws,
Full of shortcomings,
Just another book that does not deserve to be on a shelf and having a worth that only amounts to being a fireplace fuel.

I'm not all pessimistic, I am only almost never optimistic when it comes to relationship with people.
To worry over every single words said,
To worry over every single gesture shown,
Continually wondering whether I've presented myself well before people.

Like some people commented, it's good to think things through, but when you over-do it, you end up stuck like me, and it doesn't feel good at all.
Sometimes it does, but most of the time it's no fun at all.

almost over you

I'm almost over you.

After all these while,
After all these time,

I think that somehow,
I'm able to place this picture of yours,
Out from the back of my mind,
To be on the table, with the rest of the pictures there is.

I've decided to stop wallowing in despair,
For such things is like an attempt to grasp the wind,
An attempt that is without end.

I've decided to not love to such extent,
And limit it to the border of friendship instead,
Because it is what it's made to be.

So, now, truly, I'm almost over you.

heaven

Heaven.

What goes on your mind whenever the word is mentioned?
What do you think heaven really is?

A place where good people go?
A place where people who've done many good things settle in and enjoy for the rest of eternity?

That's the common understanding of heaven among the people, but I never quite figure out the reason why they'd think that way.

Has anyone ever went to heaven and came back to say what heaven really is?
Even if there is, how can they know the reason to the existence of that place?

If not, why would they have a concept that people who do good things or people who are good gets rewarded by being able to live off their eternity in a place that's without suffering, a place of eternal goodness?
And why would they even think that there's something more after death?

But by looking into the Bible, it seems to be implied that heaven is a place where people who wants to be with God for the rest of eternity settles. It's a *place* where people who adore God be able to have fellowship and communion with Him.

When christian says only those who believe in God will go to heaven, they're not implying that the rest of the people are bad people, that they don't deserve to enjoy "goodness" after death.
If heaven is a place where God has made for people who wants to be with Him to be in, why should anyone who scorns at the thought of being with God be placed together with God? It goes against his wish to be treated so right?

I believe it is important for christian to really believe that at the end of their days, they're really going to be in heaven, to be with God for the rest of eternity.

If you're a christian and does not have such assurance, is it because you lack the understanding of the basis to your salvation?
If you think you're undeserving, that you're not good enough, it's not an issue at all. There is no one that's good enough to be with God no matter how many "good" things we try to do. Our merits, they're like dirty rags in His sight, we always do fall short.

But we do not attain the right to be with Him by our own righteousness, by being good enough, but instead, we are made able to be with Him because of His righteousness, because He's good enough.

To believe that we're forgiven of our sinful nature and sinful doings, the moment we accept the fact that He came and died for our sins instead;
To come before Him and say that you truly wanted to remain close to Him, to be with Him for the rest of your life, and beyond.
To know that all the good things that we're doing is just because it delights the heart of our God, and not as a ticket to the eternal "goodness".

Yeah, truly, we yearn to be with Him soon in a tireless body that has an unending passion and love.
But it's not so bad to just stick around on the ground a little bit more, to take pleasure in a deteriorating body that goes weary once in a while; to take pleasure in humanly friendship and fellowship; to be happy with humanly love and company; to be in wonder and awe at His undying faithfulness and "last minute life-saving blessings". :)

So, till we've fulfilled what we're purposed to do, we will not by any means fall away, but to continue our days. But whether it's here or *there*, it doesn't matter that much, because our God is closer to our heart and soul than we think He is. He's always, always a prayer away.

So, heaven?
It can be pretty much where we're standing right now.
It can be pretty much the life we're having right now.
It is just the distance between us and the God we so adore.

trust

Trust. It's something that comes together with our personal expectation.

At the very time we choose to trust, we're supposed to embrace the fact that there is a possibility to disappointment, and sometimes more than once.

So, what do we do when we're faced with such thing?

A dear friend choose to continue trusting.

Well, for me, I choose to walk away most of the time. Why? Is it because I do not understand the consequences in placing a trust in someone who's neither myself nor God?
Rather, it's because when I trust, I place high expectation on the person.

I know I shouldn't, but whenever I categorize a person as my good friend, I can't help it but have high expectation of the person, but at the same time, I am ignorant of other people's expectation of me.

I believe I can live alone, and just socialize once in a while, develop light friendship with people, and nothing deeper. I've years of experience of going solo anyway.

Yes, I'm emo, but as one introverted comrade-in-arms once said, we're emo, but we're not suicidal. So, I'm not fine, but I'm ok. No need for worries, k? ;)

anti-socialism

Ever wonder why is it that only recently I seemed to be around while all this while I'm here?

I've been hiding myself. In the shadows.

I do not hate large groupings of people, nor do I actually wanted to avoid them.
I don't join crowds not because I'm anti-social, but rather to prevent being labeled an anti-social.

I like being with people.
To see what they do, to listen to what they say, to observe every action and gesture;
To see infectious smile being transferred from faces to faces;
To see frowns and disagreements in little discussions;
To see exaggeration shown by every expression of the face and wave of the hands.

Even if I'm not interested to listen I can just be lost in my thoughts, but pity, that in this reality, this ideal of mine cannot exist.

Instead of explaining repeatedly my preference of communication and the limitations conceived by my personality, I rather just keep away.

I might just as well slip into the shadows again like how I've always been before, instead of having to face constant discomfort.

But still, the final say belongs to my God, as always. If this discomfort is meant for my good, I shall endure. Who am I to argue when this heavenly Father REALLY knows what's best for me.

For the moment, I'll just try to not be too noticeable. :)

complexity

Hurm...

What should be done when a single parent falls in love with another single parent, and it so happens what their kids fell in love with each other?

Sould the love of the parents be sacrificed for the sake of their children's, or the other way around?surely, the kids can never be in love together if their parents are married to one another eh?

You think?

worth

How much do we actually value the people we claimed to be our loved ones?

Many times I think, and say that I love them much more than anything, but when the time comes to prove how much they're actually worth to me, I fail in my actions and my deeds.

How regrettably hypocritical.

It's not about the time spent with them when we're free, it's how much time we can spare for them when we're occupied;
It's not about being patient with them when everything's well, it's about being patient with them when everything's chaotic and unwell;
It's not about how deep our feelings are for them while it is, it's about how we stay true to the decision to love them even when we don't remember why anymore.

It's about soaring above trials and temptations, keeping our oath close not letting go, even when all our sense of reasoning is temporarily no more.

It's about still being polite and gentle when circumstances forces you to scream and shout at the top of your lungs, lashing out at them.

It's about saying no when situation's forcing you to say yes, and saying yes when it's forcing you to say no.

It's about remembering how much our God is worth, even when we can hardly do.

Run if you must, hide if you should.

Many times I should've fallen unto my knees and pray, but I seldom do.
Many times I should've just sleep and wake up afresh, but I did not.
Many times I should've run, but I stayed in it's deadly stench.

Why do I run whenever I'm required to stay; Why do I stay when I should just run away and not looking back?

I'm sick of this, I'm sick of this loop.

I wanna break out of it, if God wills.
If He wills I be strong and enduring.
If He wills me to be free... Heck, I'm sure He does.

Most of the time, we are provided the strength and will to do so. We simply chose not to. Sometimes, options are non-existant. But most of the time, it's really just a matter of choice. Still, it doesn't mean it's all easy decisions.

May I be able to stay true to my words, to show the people that I love that they're really worth as much as I say they are.
To prove to my God that I really do, everytime I say I wanna love Him like how He has loved me.

I'm sorry Lord that You have to die for my sins just because I am not even worthy to redeem myself, but thank You, thank You.
For still loving us when many times we fall;
For giving us the will and strength to change;
For loving us more than we can ever love ourselves;
For making our little lives worth much,
as much as Your dripping blood,
as much as Your battered body.

We're finally worth something, because You're alive.

unfamiliarity

Have you ever felt like the more you get to know someone, the more you feel like you don't know them?

A strange feeling of unfamiliarity.

It's something more than just knowing a new part about the person, that you've never seen before. It's not about a sudden wanting to be impulsive.

It's more like all of a sudden, you feel like you don't know the person at all.
It's like all of a sudden, you've come to a realisation that the person's from a different world.
And it feel like everything you've come to learn about the person is either just the tip of the iceberg, or is totally incorrect at all.

It's like all the effort you've poured in to know the person is nothing. It's like all the time and energy used has return void. All those for just little? It's discouraging at times. It does.

It's like when you've a work to finish, and it's at 90%. But later, you found out that the 90% is actually just 10%, and you have to re-construct your mindset and your resolution. That's a weird example, but it's a close description of what I meant.

Makes you feel like you just wanna stop there, and start idling.

Well, if that happens, perhaps it's ok to just do that. Maybe after a while, you'll have enough rest to start again.

And no, it's not the person's fault for the sudden sense of unfamiliarity we feel. Perhaps it's our ego, thinking that we've already known a lot about the person. No matter how simple a person is, it'll take a lifetime to truly understand and know them.

And often, it's our own expectation and assumption of people that leads to our disappointments, and not the person themselves.

I wonder if I ever made anyone feel like that. Hmm... Maybe, since I have a lot of complexes, and many different sides. :P

No one will truly understand me anyway, or perhaps it's me who doesn't want people to.

I have a lack of faith in humanity. Sorry XD

celibacy

*A long awaited post for some, eh? Huhuhu~ ;)*

Loneliness. Yet another essence that draws people closer to God. No matter how many friends and loved ones you have, there are times when you just feel like no matter how much you explain, no one will truly understands how you feel, or how you think.

To have so many people around you, but to not have a least one like mind is hurtful, especially when we're heartbroken and disappointed.

And somehow, this flaw in the relationship of humans becomes one of the reason people find comfort in God. It's somehow relieving, and comforting to know that God understands how you feel and what you're going through, even when the whole world is unable to comprehend.

Some people find it weird that a love relationship between two christians can somehow actually lead them away from the God that brings them together.
Weird, isn't it? It doesn't seem very logical, but at times, it happens. Why?

As I said before, one of the reason humans are drawn to God is because of the feeling of loneliness. By being blessed with a partner, sometimes, people tend to think that finally, there's a person that would understand them, cherishing them for who they are.

It might be true, it might not be, but either way, this is one of the reason why people have come to forsaken their True Love.

By believing that there's actually a person who understands them, they decide that that person alone is enough. They do not need God as a comfort to their loneliness anymore.

How wrong can we be? No matter how much a person wants to understand you, they can never totally understand you. At the end of the day, it's God who understand you the most, more than you can ever do yourself.

That's why relationships can be dangerous at times, but I'm not discouraging it. It is good, of course, but no matter how dedicated you are to God, there is always a possibility of falling into this tragedy. Take each steps with care, and never ever let God out of your sight in building your relationships.

No offense, but sometimes, it's really amusing that some of my friends actually wanted to convince me that having a life partner is the only way to life.

And at times, some even seem to indicate that if I'm not out there doing God's work, I have no excuse to celibate. It's as if doing christian missionary works is the only reason to celibate.

My dear friends, if that's what you think, then may I ask you whether God is the reason to you having a girlfriend/boyfriend right now? If you would boldly give me a "yes", then I would kindly request you to really re-think again, and answer me truthfully.

If the reason of getting into a relationship can be not because of God, then why can't the reason to celibate be so too?

Are we so drowned by the love novels and love stories created through generations, that we've come to think that it is the only way to life?

People say that it's a gift to be able to celibate, but I say it takes more courage and faith to go into a relationship.

To be committed to a person, to be a motivator and supporter no matter what, to accept various weaknesses of the partner, and to brave the unpredictable possibilities of future.

To balance out work and family, to raise kids who would follow after God's way and not fall astray, to deal wisely with conflicts and troubles to come, to have unwavering devotion to God and unending love for your partner.

Someone once asked me, whether I really wanna celibate.

Hmm... It's not like I really wanna celibate, but rather, for now, a decision to celibate would make my life a lot easier. It serves as an easy way out for me, from my current condition, because of a certain someone.

So, truthfully, I am not in any way promoting or encouraging celibacy, but let him/her who can and wanna live with it, do so. (1 Corinthians 7:25-40)

To have a lonely heart going about,
With no one able to fill it full,
Only One will do,
Only One can do,
Our lonesomeness taken away,
And we are comforted;
In God, we are comforted.

So, whichever way you go, remember we have a loneliness that only God understands, that neither the world nor our loved ones can ever comprehend.

If you're in a relationship, I wish you all the best, and may you continue to draw close to God no matter what. And if you're into celibacy, I also wish you all the best, and may you continue to walk your life in close intimacy with Him.

God bless.

*Well, not like what you've expected, eh? :P*

unwittingly

What can one human do? How can one tiny and small human do? Pushing aside everything, living for their own desires and dreams.

It's not wrong, is it? To live like you wanted, as long as you're not hurting anyone.

It's not wrong, is it? To live, not knowing God, and the plans that He had for us.

It's not wrong, is it? It's not wrong, right?

Still, it undeniable that doesn't matter whether you acknowledge the existence of God, since you're His creation, He'll still bless you and bring you through troubles, like He would anyone.

But to know and acknowledge that He exists, brings our view of life to a whole different level.

To know the purpose of your own existance, and having something true to actually live for everyday;
To hold on to life no matter what, trusting in the grace of God;
To be comforted when our whole day or dream crumbles into little pieces;
To know that even though we're poor, we'll have enough;
Trusting that there'll be a day when our tears will be wiped off, and never drops again.

No matter how insignificant we think we are, we have our own important role to play in God's plan of life.

Sure, we can reject that, and another person can come and take it over, but why should it go that way, right?

Remember the prehistoric squirrel from Ice Age 1? From the start till the end, he was only a "filler" character, so out-of-place, going around by itself, in constant pursuit of his beloved nut. Bearing little significance, and have no importance at all, only to bring extra laughter to the audience.

And in Ice Age 2, it seems like his role never change, and it seems like it'll stay like that till the end of the show.

Somehow, it seems like the squirrel turns out to be the saviour of the rest of the other prehistoric animals in the area, but unwittingly to itself, unknown to the rest.

How's that? The only thing on the squirrel's mind was just to secure it's nut. And for the rest of the animals, they'd probably never know what happened.

Is such thing a beauty, or a tragedy? Everything you do, no matter how important it is to your circle of influence, would probably never be made known to you, and the rest of the people would probably never know. But surely, at least one Person would know. ;)

Yes, it is just a story, and would probably wouldn't be the same in reality. But such things are never known, so I choose to believe in such unknown beauty.

There are many things that we do in hopes of seeing the results, be it helping a friend, chasing after our dreams, praying for the salvation of a loved one. And sometimes, we don't see things happening. We get discouraged and heartbroken.

But we probably never do know, that while we couldn't manage to help our friend, even putting in effort would probably meant a lot.
And we probably never do know, that while chasing after our dreams, how much courage and encouragement we pour out to other people, strengthening them in their life.
And we probably never do know, that one day, the person we've been praying for would one day come to know and accept God as their personal saviour.

There are many things we do without knowing the consequences. There are many things we've failed to complete, without knowing the success the failure itself brought.

We never will know how large our circle of influence are, how huge the ripple from our every doings are.

So today, bring a smile to your face, and comfort to your heart, believing that no matter what happens, or how you've failed, God will use it as an important piece to the completion of His wonderful plan.

Pieces of picture puzzle never do make sense, with it's imperfect jagged sides. But until it is all placed together, only a perfect, breathtaking picture would be brought to view.

Take comfort in knowing that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Now I do not mean to say that you can go and do whatever you like and it will still bring about good things.

Whatever you do, do it heartily like unto God and not unto men. Avoid evil and strive to do good, for God and not for men.

And when you've put your all, but you still couldn't manage, it's ok.
And when you've tried to care, but feel like stopping, it's ok to stop and rest a bit.
And when you've tried to love, but want to stop loving, it's ok to run a while and cry a little.

Take comfort knowing that nothing you do will ever be in vain, even if you'd probably never see anything good from it. Seek His will, seek His blessings, seek His anointing. You'd probably not hear anything, but still, after you've done all that you're suppose to, commit it to God and let go. You may not be able to make full use of what you've done, but I believe He can. :)

So today, cheer up, believing that your good works are not in vain, even when you might not see the fruits of it. Persevere in what is right, continuously running after the only Truth in life.

May the works of our hands not be in vain, that He'll use it for His amazing plans; May His comfort comes when we are weary, to lift our spirits and our souls; May His presence be made known to us, that we can call ourselves blessed; May He open our eyes to His way, that we will not walk astray; May His hand guide us when it's dark, that even when we fumble, we are not lost.

And remember that though failure is not without end, it's ok to cry a little. :)

May God bless you this day.

ee

It's been a busy semester.

Two weeks ago, it was mostly about Easter Event.

But if you were to ask me about the outcome, what I think about the event, I couldn't give you any comments relating to how it was in the eyes of those who came to watch.
I'm more concerned with the effect of such events on the lives of those who participated, those who have helped out.

Yeah, the reason I joined wasn't very "godly"; God wasn't the ultimate reason I helped out.

So why did I help out, putting so much more than the years before? Was it because I'm a CGL this academic year, or because I just wanted some recognition?

Nope. That never even crossed my mind. I think.

The reason I helped out in such even is the same as why I joined the CF in campus. Being a lower than average christian, I can't think much of how to impact and bless the university I'm studying in.
I can't even help people in their studies, as I'm barely surviving on my own, being an average undergraduate.
The only thing I can do to bless this university is to help out in whatever thing the dedicated and active christians around are doing.

The second reason would be because of my juniors. I can't stand the fact that too few people are doing too much. I cannot keep an eye blind whenever I see them putting so much of their time into works that should've been done by the lot.

I'm not blaming the majority of the people for not helping out more. I would have remained the same if it's not because God decided to show me all these.

I previously would tend to not help out because I thought that even if I don't go, since the CF is so big, there'll be a lot of people who'll go. It was during the CF's apple giving session that I'm shown that it's never so.

It's the minority who does the work of the majority. And I don't like that. I don't like how my juniors are being drained of their strength and time like this. I do not like to see my friends doing most of the works, getting discouraged at times, while the rest of the people are hanging out or sleeping their day off.

That was when I made a vow, that I won't stand and watch. Whenever I can, whatever it is, I wanted to be a person who'll lighten up their burden. This is not the kind of christian life they're suppose to live. Their precious time and strength and life should not be robbed by the majority of passive christians around.

Back to the Easter Event. Yeah, being involved in such a hectic and busy thing would either lift someone's faith up, or pull it down.

With few hours of sleep, and spending the whole daytime in the campus helping out, that's not my daily dose of life. Yea, for some of you, it might even be your routine, but it's definitely not mine. And going like that for few days, it has taken it's toll on my body, and personality. I entered my don't-care-about-what-others-think berserk mode, but it didn't last long. I had to turn back to normal in order to not hurt the ones I cared about. Hmm...

And I've seen some of my friends in the same condition as mine, they went totally haywire with the lack of sleep, some probably don't even have any, and the hectic schedule. Well, it'll probably be better if that's all, but when you're dealing with people, it can go very bad.

Many hurtful things were said and done, relationships and friendships aren't gonna be the same anymore. But whether it'll go bad or good, depends on how we walk our days together.

But it's just refreshing when everything's done, when at the end of the day, we can look at each other and say, 'it is done.'

There will be a lot of things that can be learned and benefitted from this kind of thing. It's just a matter of whether we will spend our time to reflect and rethink. Will we just treat it as a passing wind, or a breeze that can refresh our faith, and lift us to higher heights.

No matter what, I hope that it is in His plan to bless us through this event, to bless everyone who's involved, and participated, even when we just wanted to bless other people.

May God be the strength of our hearts.

much more faithful

Awaiting joy.
Let it fill my heart with bliss.

Why are you so much faithful than I am?

I've said many times that I'm grateful.
I've said many times that I'm thankful.
And I've said many times that I love You because of that.

Are those just mere words?
Spoken with no worth whatsoever?

Why is it that this heart is so easy to get discouraged?
Why do I look at the few mistakes and rejection,
overlooking the few thousands blessings and acceptance?

Why is it so easy for me to run away from You when things don't go my way?
Will I ever stay true to my words?
To stick by You no matter what?
I know I shouldn't live by my feelings,
but what do I do when I can't remember why?
What do I do when I don't feel like caring anymore,
or I can't remember why I even cared to care.

I hate myself for being weak.
Shouldn't I be strong?
Or at least run towards you when I fall,
instead of running away.

I hate myself for thinking too much.
To have pride in my own capabilities.
To pride myself in the things You've given me.

I hate myself for caring too much.
When at the end of the day, I'm sure to get hurt.
I know it'll happen, You've prepared me for it.
But when it happens, it just... hurts.

I hate myself for loving this much.
When I don't even know why I even loved in the first place.
I don't know where You are in this relationship.
I don't know where to place You.
I don't know what to do.

I said that You're the very reason that I lived.
I fear that it might not be so anymore.

I need Your insights Lord.
I'm asking for clarification,
and what I get is more, and more questions.

Does the answer lies in letting go?
Of all that I love?
Of all that I care for?

I need my personal getaway with You. Much much more than before.

I'm stagnant. I do not know where to go.

I do not know what to do. I do not know what to say.

So guide me, please?

Please...

I dared to ask all these, simply because I know that You're so much more faithful than I am.

absolute definition

Talent. What is there to be proud of? What is there to be bragged about? It is something you're born with, a gift given unto you. Not something you've earned, or something you've worked hard for.

Envy. Why envy? Why look at things people have and you don't? We like to compare a lot. Yes, we do. We measure ourselves using other people's ruler, and when we come short, we become envious. Deadly poison for the soul.
We just don't realise that we are also an object of envy to some other people. All of us have something only we have. A mixture of different abilities and weaknesses. That's how we're different. There'll always be a lot of people after us, but there will never be one that is like us.

Compassion. Just what is compassion? Is it a feeling stirred up within you whenever you see someone in need of help, in need of care, in need of pity? How if that no matter what, I can't invoke this thing called compassion from within me?
Am I uncompassionate? Am I that bad? Is it even me who is at fault, that no matter what, this kind of sentiment refuses to appear?
Can one learn to be compassionate? Can one even try to be compassionate? Or is it more to an action taken after learning of one's misfortune, rather than the feeling felt?

Kindness. Just what is kindness? Is it something done, because our hearts are stirred for it? Or is it something we do, because we know we should do it? Are there motives to being kind? Or should there be motives to kindness? Or kindness with no reason at all is not kindness at all; or maybe kindness with no reason at all is the ultimate kindness there is? Hmm...

Are these even plain things with easy explanations? Is much thinking blurred what's supposed to be an easy truth? Or are these just something very vague, with no absolute answer, with no definite definition?

Jesus Lord, please help us to define the values that you've instilled in our hearts. At times, we are confused, and the only one who can clear us of confusion is You. So grant us Your wisdom, grant us understanding to many things, to many issues that we are going to face in this journey of life.

Thank You in advance.

this trust

Why is such brokenness felt?

My heart seems to have been tear down; I'm not surprised, but why did it happen so loud, that all I can hear is the sound of it collapsing?

Dear dear Lord.

I understand more now why it is better to leave it to Your plans, rather than my own.

Everything seems good in my sight, but things don't always go the way I want to.
Because I'm not you. How shortsighted I am, and how longsighted You are.

Few more months left, and I'm released from this responsibility.
To return to the shell once again, to work from the shadows.

The more I know, the more distant I feel.
The more I care, the more aches I have to suffer.

Is it not already enough Lord.
Isn't it already time for you to get me out from here?
You've shown me much in a year. Is there more?

I wanna go away, being the misfit that I am, being so different from everyone that I know.
I do not want to show any of my core so much,
to be used and poked,
it hurts. it hurts.

But if all these seems well to You,
I'll wait. Yes, I'll wait.

If it's not yet the time to be removed from this, so be it. I've learned that Your judgements and plans are better than mine.

I want to rededicate this proud, foolish and filthy heart into Your care, Your cleansing work.

If it is good that I'm heartbroken,
let it be.
If it is good that I'm hurting,
let it be.
If it is good that I feel like running away, but can't,
let it be.

I'm ready to be more than this. I'm ready to be even more different from all the people that I know. I'm ready to be more than the misfit I already am. I'm ready to leave the feelings I have.

If You can die for me, I can live for You.

So let me be, let You be.

I await deliverance, not from people, not from anyone, but from You.

Be still my soul, with all you are.

numb

I don't feel like posting anymore.
I also don't feel like replying emails anymore.
I don't feel like going the extra mile for people anymore.
I don't think I like her as much as before anymore.
But I also feel like I don't like everybody as much anymore.

I'm numb.
Probably.
Or made numb.
By myself.

A way of escape?
Maybe.
Running away?
I wish.
Maybe I'm at the edge of my limits.
And inside of me, it just wanna stop.
Don't wanna feel the way I felt, anymore.

I'm numb.
Maybe.
Or became numb.
To everything.

I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't wanna chat about it.
I don't wanna think about it.
I just wanna be numb.
For as long as I can be.

oversensitivity

It's kinda hard being a human eh?

It's a wonder that at times, we cause hurts, and we live the rest of our lives not noticing even a bit of what we've done, while the person who got hurt, lived with it for the rest of their lives.

But what are we to do? Even sentences that are thought over carefully, reviewed over and over again, will somehow, cause some hurt to someone, while we the speaker has no such intention.

What are we to do? The only thing to do is to speak less, thus hurt less. The best way, it seems, is to stop speaking at all, but these solutions aren't solutions at all. They're just a mean of avoidance.

What are we to do? Getting hurt at little little things which people say, with no actual harm meant.

Why do we think too much? To analyze small small matters into the very details?

But if we are to accept something people say as it is, some would probably meant something more, which the speaker tries to convey secretly, hoping that we would notice.

But if we are to dig too much from a casual conversation, trying to see whether there's something hidden underneath, there would probably be nothing at all, and we'd be branded over-sensitive, insecure, and suspicious.

So, what should we do, what should we do?

It seems like either to the left or to the right, we'd fall into the puddle anyway.

But really, does it matter if something someone tried to convey means something more? Whether we think too much, or think too little of it, it's just all speculations, with no solid proof, right?

So, either way, it doesn't benefit much. It'll only fill our minds with unnecessary worries and anxiety. And we'll live less happily in this little world.

If a person has anything to say to us, let the person says without the use of hints, without hidden meanings, without riddles. Else, let us just ignore whatever the person's trying to convey.

I'm not proposing that we be ignorant of the feeling of others, or to be less sensitive towards others, but I'm trying to encourage honesty in relationships, in friendships.

We can play the game of hints forever, which would probably results in nothing, or we can just sit together, be honest, and that's it.

So hopefully, we can stop hurting ourselves by thinking too much, and stop hurting others without knowing it. Let love be love, and sorrow be sorrow. Let love not be sorrow.

blurry

Why is it that when I try to run away, I drew closer?

Everything's been blur and hazy these days.

It felt like a storm just passed by, but everything remained untouched.

It felt like time is flowing extremely fast, but when I look around, it's the same as usual.

These few weeks has been the weirdest weeks of my academic year, and I kinda felt something coming.

Is this premonition, or something else?

Either way, it benefits me nothing.

I just wanna live life more than this. Yes, to come out of this mud and start walking like I should.

What should I do? I know not. I know not. Everthing's blurry, everything's blurry.

So, God, please help. Please help.

dear Lord,

It's weird. Yes, it's weird.

It seems like the more I get to know You, the existence of my conflicting nature becomes more evident.

I feel two different personality, residing in one body, surfacing at the same time, in constant battle with one another.

So, is the good one the 'spirit man', and the evil one the 'old man'?

Or is it just because my heart is naturally evil, to the very core?

Why is it that sometimes, when I truly wish someone to be well off, that there's this voice, that's wishing otherwise?

Can I claim that it's not me, when it feels so clearly that, it's a part of me that's speaking of curses and evil?

Even in prayer, even when others are praying, the 'person' hurls blasphemies and insults.

Deep inside, I would rather die than saying those things, and it hurts me when those voices that are from my within spew such words.

Am I to admit that 'he' is me?

To know that I am evil beyond all things? I am more wretched that most people?

But I know one good thing that comes from this; To reach to the Father residing on the throne of heavens, my filthy self could never bring itself to His presence. I can only come before Him, in a heavenly robe stained with the blood of His Son, the Son who was crucified for my sins.

It pains me to know that no matter what I do, my apparel and attire will never be clean enough to come before my God, if I were to evaluate with all sincerity.

No matter how I wash it, it reeks of innocent blood that I've spilled. Of filthiness, that can never be washed away. Of evil, that can never be rid of.

So Lord, thank You for Your heavenly robe, stained with the Holy blood of Your Son, that You traded with me. Thank You for taking my unclean robe, and gave me Yours instead. Thank You, for enabling me to come before You again, with confidence, not in my own goodness, but Your merciful and graceful Self.

So let Your grace be poured unto me, more and more, that my 'old man' can be suppressed, and my 'spirit man' surfacing with great authority.

I'm sorry for my evil heart, I'm sorry that I'm who I am, but I'm glad for who You are.

I thank You, for the Hope that has been given unto us.

Let me not be arrogant in my so-called 'wisdom', but grant me a child-like faith, that You can truly work in me; To be less 'realistic', but to be more 'faith-full' instead.

I thank You for Your Love, Your infinite and endless Love.

Amen.

a better judgement

Right now, I've come to a point where I once again question my own ability of judgement.

Most of my decisions, are not decisions made after seeking God, but instead, relying on own agenda, and faith that God will make something out of the decision.

I find it troubling to having explain the reason to certain of my doings, because how can I let someone see what I see? The views that I have, the belief that I hold on to, they're different from other people.

Or maybe sometimes, I look too much towards myself. Maybe I should focus on what people wants rather than what I want more?

Right now, I don't really know whether there's any correct things I've done in the past. There's so many things I've done and decided, that I think is right at that particular moment. But now, I'm doubting it.

I know I wouldn't make the most correct decision most of the time, and there are indeed some things that I'm doing that I'm not really sure whether it should go this way.

But having to question back what you've already done that you think was correct, even till now, I need my pride taken away. I need people to stop giving praises that I don't deserve.
I didn't do any good job, so don't bother congratulating me or giving me a pat on the shoulder.

And right now, somehow, I'm not liking this line of work that God has gave me to do, once again. I hated it once, but when I got used to it, I grew to like it. And now, I'm not liking it once again.

But by feeling like this, am I actually disbelieving my own abilities, or God's capabilities? Am I limiting myself, or am I limiting Him?

No, it's not self-pity, but I think it's probably because my pride has been hurt. Heh. To think I still have that. And a whole lot of it.

Wouldn't You take away this prideful person, Lord? Life would be so much easier to pass if I'd just become more humble.

I know You don't need my help Lord, but rather, I'm the one who need You. But if there's anything You wanted me to do, just tell. I hope I'll do it and not get discouraged easily. And it all depends on how large is your sphere of mercy Lord. :)

I look forward to a good sunday. Help me make it, instead of just hoping and waiting for it.

A good day doesn't happen on its own; It is made.

thicker than blood

People look hard for people they can relate to, people they have connection with, doesn't matter whether they can really connect with them or not.

The easiest link for this would be blood relations.

That's probably why people would always look back for or cling unto their family members. It's not like they can be trusted to not betray or harm you just because you're related by blood, but at least the chance is lower compared to the rest of the world.

While this is so, I do believe, or try to believe that love is thicker than blood.

Why?

A parent with adopted child will grow to love the child as their own as time goes. And they're not even related by blood.

A person will grow to love someone as much as they love themselves, or probably more than that, one day. And they're not even related by blood.

Some are blessed with trustworthy friends, which would never give you up for the world, nor would you give them up for the world. Some would even give their lives for you, as you would some. And all of you are not even related by blood.

That why sometimes, I do not understand why people stereotype people by their lineage. To push a child away just because the parent didn't have a good background. To hate someone, just because they're born to the line of a different race.

Did they wish to be born that way? Wouldn't they have opted for another ancestry if they know they'll be hated for being who they are?

No matter what root I come from, I do not regret it. Some people pride themselves as being someone from a certain race, from certain family root, but I see myself as an individual, while trying to be ignorant of such things. Sure, I still celebrate cultural and traditional festivities, but that's another issue.

I just know that if I want to see people of different origins with a fair eye, I must rid myself from being tied up to these things. The knowledge of how cultures, races, traditions, and humans come about helps. Having an eagle's eyeview of the matter, no matter how little, helps.

Anyway, I just know that in God's eye, whatever race you're from, whatever history you have, you're an individual. When you stand before His majestic and awesome presence, you're an individual. Your whole life would be about you, and being who you are.

So, in the end, it has nothing to do with blood, but it has everything to do with love.

My conclusion? Love is definitely thicker than blood.

God bless.

tired

Someone asked me to post about celibacy.

I can do that.

If now is an hour ago.

But now, I'm pooped.

Goodnight. :P

i'm sorry

I'm sorry for being nosy.

I'm sorry for such insensitive stupidity.

I'm sorry for being such weak CGL.

I'm sorry for thinking I am capable.

I'm sorry for my ego.

I'm sorry for thinking that I am a good encourager.

I'm sorry for my pride.

I'm sorry for thinking that I give good advices.

I'm sorry for being me.

I'm sorry that I am weak.

I can only apologize, but I know it wouldn't help a bit.

So Lord,
what I have tore apart, help me fix it;
what I have destroyed, help me recreate;
what I have trampled, help me restore.

I'm sorry.

mistake

Mistakes. One of the thing that leads to our growth both in attitude, and in character.

What do you do when you because of your insensitivity, and stupidity, led to a conflict between two persons?

You thought you've learned from it, and from then onwards, it'll never happen again.

But no, you're soooooooo wrong.

I've once severed the relationship between two sisters. Until now I do not dare to talk to the elder one. I don't know how they're doing now, but this guilt I've carried till now. It was my fault. Because I was an idiot.

I thought I've learned. That it'll never happen again.

Yet now, here I am, causing another conflict between two dear sister in Christ.

Lord! How many times will this happen? I'm sorry I've grown close to people. I'm sorry for trying to encourage without caring what has happened. I'm sorry for being such an idiot.

I can't run away, I have responsibilities.
I don't know what to do Lord, I'm helpless.
I can only make myself numb, that I may not collapse from the guilt.

I know You'll forgive me of my mistakes, but that's not the issue now. Yes, I've wronged you, but more importantly, I've wronged them. If they're not reconciled, I doubt that I'll be able to really live in freedom in You like I was before.

I'll seriously talk less to people.
I won't hang out as much anymore.
I'll only do what's necessary, I would not go the extra mile anymore.

I just want them to be on good terms with each other again, and for this to never happen again.

So please Lord?

No matter how badly I've screwed up Lord, please grant Your mercy and grace to me.

Somehow Lord, in whatever ways, let this be turned into something good.

You said that all things work together for the good of those who love You, to those who are the called, according to Your purposes.

Let me see this verse works Lord. Let me see Your goodness now.

I don't want to face this everytime I come into Your presence. I don't wanna remember that this problem is still unsolved, everytime I hold the bread and the cup during Holy Communion. I can't talk to You in liberty and confidence knowing that this problem remains.

I do not want to limit You, but I do know that if You're willing, You can make it well.

So please Lord, please.

changes

I'm sorry that I'm weak Lord, but I thank You for illuminating me through.

It has been a blessed academic year. I've gained much, I've lost some.

I admit that most of the time, changes are for the better. But sometimes, when we lost something that has been a part of ourselves for so many years, even if it's a bad one, we feel the loss.

We feel like we've forgotten who we are, that we've lost trace of who we used to be. But if it's for Your glory Lord, no matter how painful it is, let it be. I'm grieving, but I'm also holding unto You.

Though it's been a weird year, that I should go through this particular circumstance, I realise that I've come to understand things I never did. Now I understand why apostle Paul wrote what he wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:25-35, because I've felt it, I've experienced it.

It's hard for humanly love, and Godly love to live together. Yes, it can be in total harmony, but most of the time, when one is present, one has to give way. It's hard to have the thoughts of your loved one, and meditate upon the Lord at the same time, except in prayers.

At this point, I cannot do much. It's not like I wanted to feel like this in the first place. It just happens. So I'm sorry. Whatever may be, may God provide me a way to fusing the both, that I may also bless others.

And if it's possible, I pray that He take away it all, and free me from this bond. I wanted to feel like a friend again. A normal friend. It felt like a betrayal and a lie unto her by waking up everyday with this kind of feeling.

But even if this is meant to remain, I believe I can live with it through the rest of my life. Yes, I believe I can.

Whatever it is, let me not lose focus on the works You're doing inside me. Let it not because of this I'm missing out on the actual thing You planned by creating this circumstance.

Whatever it is, I'll keep waiting for Your grace to be upon my face, I'll wait for the time that I can stand proud in front of her, with no extra motive or feelings. Yea.

Whatever it is, let me live through this, let me live to tell of Your goodness.

For our pitiful feelings cannot compare to Your everlasting Love.

in silence

To the one i loved deeply, but probably would never be told so:

For me to know you, is a miracle. I've never thought that someone could notice so much about me, I've never thought someone could know so much about me.

For the hurts done, for the wrong things spoken, for the walks that didn't go well, I'm sorry.

Know that I never mean it so, when I would give the world just for your smile.

Know that you're always on my mind, not 24/7, but most of the time, yea.
No matter what I do, no matter where I am, there's time when I'll suddenly think of you.

Know that I read your smses over and over again, just to read the things you wrote.

Know that I love to chat with you, even when there's nothing to say.

Keeping my feelings to myself does hurt. Knowing that you probably would never know hurts. Realising that I might not be able to be with you for the rest of my life hurts.

But instead of risking this friendship just to make known this feelings, I rather swallow it in. And believing that God would match you with someone better, somehow, I'm relieved. And having faith that God will bless you with a happier life somewhere with someone other than me, tears will still roll down my cheek, but my lips will still keep the smile.

There are times I wonder whether I'll keep this feeling forever, even when you're already far away.

Should I?

There are times I wonder whether I'll still have the same feeling up in heaven, when we're all with Jesus.

Or will it disappear?

There are times when I wonder what would happen if we were to walk the rest of our lives together?

I'd probably not be good enough for you, but if we are meant to be, you'd probably become my inspiration to be a better person, second only to God.
The thought that I'll get in the way of your bright future is always there, but the same goes to the thought of wanting to be there, seeing and sharing your every achievements.
And I would never want you to love me more than you love the Lord, because only then I can know that you'd understand the things I would do for Him.
Even when the feelings' gone, we'd walk the rest of our lives in close friendship, a bond that can never be broken, sanctified by marriage.

That would probably be it, but then again, it'd probably not be.

But that's enough a dream for the day, I would never tell anyway.

exceeding joy

Exceeding joy. It's been so long since I feel like everything's been going the correct and wrong way at the same time. Sorrow and joy interchanging at high speed. Sadness and happiness switches ever so rapidly.

Been feeling fear of a lot of things. People, close friends, responsibilites, especially of my own CG. Yea, I'm scared. I don't know why. Been feeling inferior. Don't blend well with people. Don't act like self in crowds. Been very careless with a lot of things. Been thinking that I wouldn't do well with people and stuff.

But somehow, something was revealed to me. To know that everytime I'm not doing something when I'm supposed to, I'm limiting God, saying that He's incapable.

Everytime I'm not giving my best, or just go in boldness and courage, I'm telling people that my God is weak, my God is small.

The thought of insulting my own Jesus stunned me. I've never thought my self-pity and pessimism is equivalent to so.

But somehow, whenever I'm with people, I can't help feeling out of place and weak and inferior. Oh how I miss the days when I was so optimistic.

But how blessed I am today, when my computer which kept restarting was somehow ok again.

Once again, I removed the fan and the heatsink, only to discover the CPU attached to the heatsink. And the pins have somehow bent, and there's this part where the pin seems to have come off. I'm not sure whether it's not there in the first place, or was lost due to my recklessness.

I put it back again, and tried few times to turn the PC on, but to no avail. And somehow, just now, it worked again. Yes, there is a thought that it was a random electronics failure, and from experience I know how unreliable these things are, when they can go haywire without warning, even when it's left untouched.

But I'm just happy. Was deciding to go and buy a new chipset, but now it's ok.

To know I'm not capable to fix things, but can only rely on luck, and experience.

But to know that God is in every single thing in my life, be it my computer, my studies, my family, my problems, my sleep, and my all, that itself is a blessing.

So, what if I AM weak. So what if there's a lot of stuff I can't do. I'm happy with life, and I'm so looking forward to so many wonderful things God has to offer.

To be optimistic is the flower of life, but to be optimistic because of the hope in God is the essence of it.

I wish you a blessed day. :)

letting go

The past few days have been tough on me. Forced me to rethink my life and relationships with people. As long as these things are not solved, I can hardly ever pray. I can’t face Him when there’s something I’ve not settled over here.

As a so called CGL, my approach was to be a friend. A friend who’s serious in developing close friendship. Yea, not to everyone, but I try to.

I found out that when things happened the wrong way, I’m trapped between duty and life. Yea people always say that you need to avoid having your personal life issues interfere with your duty. That’s ridiculous. We’re the life we live. We have duties because of the life we live. To separate life from duty is absurd.

But although that saying is absurd, things will most probably be easier that way. Because they’re unconnected. So they won’t affect one another. And that is probably what I’ll do. To run into my shell and work from there. I need not go out anymore. Nope, actually I don’t wanna go out anymore.

And I need to remind myself that things that matters to me, doesn’t necessary matter to other people. And things that don’t matter to me, doesn’t necessary be so with other people. I need to be both flexible and sensitive at the same time, and that must be done within the shell.

Things that I’d go an extra mile for doesn’t necessarily matter to other people. Issues I view as serious and should be talked over, others may think that it’s just some petty concern. Things that break my heart and steal my sleep may be trivial to others.

I need to let go. Pursuing it may free me, but may cause hurt to others. And it doesn’t really matter if I’m sick to the heart, as long as the heart of the ones I care about stays intact. I don’t wanna break any heart, cause anymore problem. It’d be fitting if I take my distance, and stop stepping on people’s feet.

So, Lord, I’m letting go. I would not pursue it any further. So help me forget. I don’t wanna think about it anymore. I don’t want to dwell upon it anymore, I don’t wanna live my life like this anymore.

We’re incompatible, and we prolly will never go well together. As long as the safe distance is not crossed, me and you is safe from harm. From whatever harm there is, things that happen in close proximity.

Take care, and God bless you all, my friends.

conflict

Conflict. Something most people tend to want to avoid, though some find joy in seeking it.

For me, that is something I truly hate, and I'd give my all just to avoid it. It's something I can never learn to handle, and whenever it happens, I have this tendency to go to my bed, sleep it off, not wanting to think about it.

But no matter how hard I try to avoid it, it'll still happen. It's only natural, because we're human. Someway or another, sometimes, we step on each others' toes. It's because we also have toes. It's because we're human.

When conflict happens, the block of friendship that has been build over the time, just tend to crumbles down. An accidental swing, a simple misunderstanding, a small mishap.

No matter what people say, things will never ever be the same again. It has happened, we cannot pretend like nothing ever did happen, and that we can go on with our lives like we did before. Even in pretending to forget, things is never the same again, and we know it.

It's tiring. Building the block takes time. And when it crumbles, we also need time to build back what we've built before.

But no matter what, even when things wouldn't be the same again, whether it'll go positive or negative depends on how we walk the rest of our days together.

You can build the relationship back, or you can just give up and leave it all scattered aground.

But one thing for sure, that from this conflict, we've gained another block. A block of better understanding of one another. To add this block when building thing back will help strengthen the relationship. Doesn't mean that conflicts will never happen again, but the possibility of the same thing ever happening is lowered to near zero.

So, it's your decision to make full use of the extra block gained, or just to walk away from the crumbled mess. I wish you all the best if you decide to build things back. The future doesn't look bleak at all, right? ;)

May this bless you. I've got my own blocks to build back. :) Till then.