Monday, December 29, 2008

nothing special

Am i supposed to feel special - really special? Because honestly, I don't dare to.

Too many times I thought I should, only to find out that the same thing has been said to other people, the same words had been written to many more.

I felt stupid, and I hated that.
I think it's more of the embarrassment for even dared to think I'm that special. Or perhaps a more accurate phrase would be exclusively special.

I rather you tell me nothing.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

the perfect others

Oh, why oh why would you expect people to be perfect, darling? If they are, it'll only make you feel bad about your own obvious imperfection.

need & want

There's a big difference between what you need and what you want, and there's an even bigger difference between what you want and what you REALLY want.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

real love 2

True friends are known through hard times; love is proved the same.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

pleasing everyone

Contrary to popular belief, it is actually possible to please everybody!

All you need to do is to show different side of you to different people at different time, according to their preference.

Now, while that is all you have to do, it is nevertheless not simple, yet possible. Just make sure you don't get found out. If you manage to do so, you'd be a gentleman. But if you're found out, you'd be a hypocrite, or a jerk, depending on the level of hypocrisy of the one who found you out.

Happy trying! ;)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

hard life

Much worse than living a hard life, is having no reason to.

It is when you're struggling that you know you're alive, and it is in overcoming that makes things worth it's while.

Friday, October 03, 2008

a reason to love

If love comes without a reason, would it depart the same?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

timely eerie

Most of my major decisions these days are timely, it's almost eerie...

Do You really meant for me to severe all of yesterday's strings?

like autumn leaves

I think it's time to accept the fact that while these things are things I've prepared myself for, if it'll hurt, it'll hurt.

It's time to severe the threads of the past, and to move into the world I've been ordained to go to.

Despite the possible protest, I reckon a simple farewell would suffice.

It's almost time for autumn.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


Is there an optimum number to people who care about you?

Because it seems that if you have to many people who do, they become a nuisance.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008


Sometimes, I think I should draw near.
Sometimes, I think I shouldn't. I should even go out of sight.

I don't know what to do. What do YOU want me to do?


Monday, July 28, 2008

why still?

Why am I still stubbornly holding on to this, seeing that I've already given up such a life?

Is it to show to people that it is possible to love forever?
Even if I can, they'll come up with excuses of why they can't anyway.

Why am I pitting myself against this thing anyway? My heart, it's scarring; It's worse than the scratches on my ring.

I am on my own on this one.

Thursday, July 03, 2008


There are many things that I've done, even if it's wrong in the eyes of others, are products of much contemplation.

Sure, I'm just 24 going 25, a young brat who knows little of this world. I know plans do not always work out, I know sometimes people step on their principles when they're cornered just to get away.

Heck, I've never had any plans that was perfectly executed. Most of them ended in shambles.

Many of my principles are laid out based on past experiences. Sure, there are things that will be obsolete, which is why I would test out my principles once in a while, to see whether they're still relevant. And I have to say, the younger me who laid out those principles always appears to be wiser than who I am now.

There are many things that I knew I was going to regret, but which I believe is necessary, that I do. Well, regret isn't exactly the most accurate term; disappointed is.

For some of them, I'm glad I did, because I see the results. They often reaffirm what I believe. And for most of them, as expected, I went through disappointments.

I foresaw the ending, but kept with the plan, because I hope things will be different from what I thought it would be. Contrary to popular belief, I get more disappointments and tears not from going with my principles, but against them.

And this time again, I did it. I knew I was going to feel disappointed; I just didn't know that it's this much.

respect & tolerance

What is respect?
What is tolerance?

Are they one and the same, or are they different entities?

Was discussing this with a friend. We didn't really went to define what they are, but rather to assume that they're not the same, but are two different things altogether.

For now, this is our conclusion, that respect must imply tolerance, but tolerance does not necessarily imply respect.

Well, it's not what I think anyway, but this is the one we agreed upon.

What do you think?


Humans prefer to go for things that they know well, or things they think they know well.

Well, mysterious things have their charms, but over time, people would tend to feel frustrated. They feel frustrated that despite the effort invested in understanding, they can't.

People who are different from others would initially spark some interest. But as time goes by, if that illusion of understanding is unable to be conjured, they would walk away.

It's easier to talk to people, befriend those who you can understand, or think you will eventually understand, or at least have an illusion that you will understand them one day.

Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually walk away one day.
Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually place all your frustrations of being unable to understand me on me.
Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually blame me when you are unable to grasp my mind.

People change. I'm the kind that changes drastically. Or perhaps, I'm never one to let anyone live in the illusion that they have finally understood me. Perhaps, I frustrate people with my honesty.

It's not hard to know me. It's only hard if you're trying to understand me by looking at the wrong side of me. If you would know my Lord, you would know me. If you would know my Lord, you would understand why I'm so different.

I've once lost my all, and now He's my everything.

I'm not saying that all Christians should be like this; I'm saying I'm this kind of Christian.

I'm sorry that I'm unable to live to your expectations, nor will I allow myself to do so.
I'm sorry that I'm unable to let you think you've understood me fully, that would be dishonest.
I'm sorry that I'm unable to make things easier for you, but did you come to me thinking it'll be easy?

Are you frustrated at me because of who I am, or are you frustrated at me because every time you think you've grasped my mind, I would proceed to destroy that illusion?

Friday, June 27, 2008


Praise the Lord!

Who understands what this actually means?

We sing songs to our Lord and call it praise.
Dearie, no matter what you call it, it's still called singing.

I've heard how you praised that smart entrepreneur, that benevolent philanthropist, and that beautiful celebrity. The praises Jesus get don't even come close to the praises they get from you. It's shameful to even compare!

Wait, did you even praised Him? The last time I heard you praised Him, you were singing. You sang song, and nothing else.

But let's be honest. It's not easy to ACTUALLY praise Him, huh?


I gave a part of myself today away, for the sake of becoming a better person, to be able to love more truthfully.

It's an improvement, and I should rejoice. But I'm not.

I'm grieving. I chose to grieve.
And I thank God that He does not think that my feelings are unimportant.

Thank You for grieving with me., despite the fact that I shouldn't.

Today, I grieve.

Friday, June 06, 2008


I often do try to respect elders as much as possible, even when many of them are, well, one would say, never grew up from their teen years.

I suspect that for an irritating older person, there is almost always something in the past that caused him to be such, and for the sake of the years of experience just being alive, they deserve our understanding and respect.

Who knows, perhaps, just perhaps the love we give can heal their deepest hurt, that it would free them from the ghost of yesterday.

As for younger folks, especially those who are harsh towards their elders, you are not worthy of respect. I don't care how smart you are, you are not worthy of respect. The fact that you do not exhibit even a hint of desire to understand them shows your lack of experience in comparison to them. Like I said, I don't care how smart you are; the fact that you lack life experiences but acting so smugly as if you have much is enough for me to decide that you are not worthy of my respect.

But then again, I'm not that important to you that whether I respect you or not, matters, right?


Sunday, May 25, 2008

the best in you

If I were to be a debater,
I want to be one that would provoke the best thoughts from my opponent.

If I were to be a rival,
I want to be one that would bring out the best in him.

If I were to be a lover,
I want to be one that would cause you to bloom more beautifully, to flourish better than everyone else.

Why does my heart ache every time I see you far away, whenever you seem to shine with such glorious splendour?
It aches with both longing and love.

Perhaps the reason why I would ever want you to be plain is to keep you near, to keep you from being out of reach.

My selfishness disgusts me.

"Do you love her?
Do you know what’s the difference between like and love?
If you like a flower, you would pluck it.
If you love a flower, you would water it.
I would be watering it!" - Kim Jong Min

Saturday, May 24, 2008


Was driving to the airport just now. No, I will not tell you the reason of why I did that. Heh.

During the journey, somehow I felt that my heart misses someone. Someone who would sit by my side, someone to share the journey with.

So, I scan through people that I know, people that I thought would be that someone: My friends, my sisters, and even my favourite celebrities.
I even try to imagine actually having them there.

But to my surprise, I find that none of them fit the bill. They don't fill my longing.

I actually miss someone, but it's no one...

Friday, May 23, 2008

of the Bible and Jesus

"We do not have faith in Jesus Christ because we believe in the Bible, but we trust in the Bible because the Holy Spirit has brought us to faith in Jesus Christ through the Bible." - Theological Professors of The American Lutheran Church

Sunday, April 27, 2008


People say that I think differently.

Do I?

Some prefer to be more tactful and used the word "special," but I prefer the word "weird." No offense taken. Weird is weird. Nothing is wrong about stating such a fact.

But for me, a question that is more important is, am I purposefully trying to be different?

It is evident in the games I play, that I would choose the kind of games where I can create a hero that is different from everybody else; I dislike the mediocrity.

And from such a habit/preference, it got me questioning my very nature, whether I'm actually not very different, only purposely making myself different.

But the catch is this, that when you create a game character that is different from everybody else, (which you of course, have to ensure is a good one, else you'd be tired of playing a character that's a failure) you would be looked upon with respect and admiration.

When it comes to real world, things are most probably different. Birds with same wings prefer to flock together, and this saying is quite the same with humans. No one (as many as I have known) prefer to be with someone so different, that the person seems so out of the world, that communication is hopeless. In this world, most of the time, being different means being ostracized. You get left out.

Or perhaps it is because of that, that I am purposefully different. (IF I'm actually purposefully different, no conclusion made yet)

Perhaps, I actually prefer to be ostracized.

Perhaps, I actually wanted to be left out.


Friday, April 25, 2008

first to leave

Perhaps it is because of the unwillingness to endure sadness from the departure of others, that I would prefer myself to be the one to leave first.

And honestly, such is really selfishness, and is the kind of selfishness that I can live with.

deity of Christ

To call a person who do not believe in the deity of Jesus Christ a Christian, is as absurd as calling the table a chair.
This is because the promoters, if we allow such an illustration, were people who believed that He is God's Son, that He is divine.

Those who would believe that Jesus Christ was a mere mortal would be better off coming up with a new term to describe themselves, like Jesusism or something, for it would be unfair to confuse an existing religion with a new one that is neither a sect, nor a heresy, but a totally brand new thing.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

love today

"Love today, not tomorrow."

Some of you might say, how about tomorrow? We should also need to love tomorrow!

Well, the thing is this, that if you can't even love properly today, why worry about tomorrow? Why talk about tomorrow? It's irrelevant!

If you are already loving today, to your fullest capacity, you wouldn't bother to ask me the question that you just asked.

So, go. Love today. Tomorrow you can live the same phrase again. :P

Sunday, April 20, 2008

already there

When I'm too tolerant, You push me to move,
When I'm too indignant, You allow me to go through broken moments.

Can it be any other way, that I'd always be stable,
That I'd always be at the level I'm supposed to be,
Always perfect?

But if I'm already there, I guess You wouldn't be doing what You're doing to me, and in me.


Saturday, April 19, 2008

right or wrong

Sometimes, we harp about love so much that, it is as if it doesn't matter if something is right or wrong. (as opposed to if "someone" is right or wrong) I suspect that I am guilty of this a lot too, though I cannot recall them now.

We talk about how we should mimic God's love, as if God never cared about right or wrong.

Well, it is true that we should show as much love as God has given us, for it is the hallmark of Christianity. But to say that God never cared about right or wrong, is not entirely true.

Sure, reconciliation is of utmost importance, but that does not mean that it can only be achieved through uniformity, or even agreements. Uniformity might make it easier to be united, but being united doesn't mean that we have to conform to a single thing, in all things.

To say that God unconditionally accepted everyone without a cost is a lie, because He did that at the price of His Son.

Friday, April 18, 2008


I once read a story about a guy asking his friend, of why Christians are struggling so much in their lives, while he, a non-Christian, is not.

Not knowing what to answer, the friend kept quiet.

It came to a time that they went hunting together. Downed two fowls, if I'm not mistaken.

And the friend told the guy to look at the two fowls, and said, "Look at them. One is struggling, and one is not. That one is struggling, because it is still alive. The other is not, because it is dead."

Often we feel like we're struggling so much, even when we're Christian. Isn't this religion supposed to be a cure-it-all magic pill that we take, a religion that's promises victory in every part of life?

And I dare not say that it cannot, because that is also some of the promises given to us. But I think that even so, Christians are those who echoes the words of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, when they said, "...If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

And sometimes, when I feel so comfortable, that things seems to fall into their own place, and my life seems very victorious, I would start to feel wary. Not to say that these are not from God, but to know that I have a faithful spiritual adversary, that works day and night without fail to plan my fall, things are too good to be true.

Of course, being too obsessed with this would also naturally lead to a downfall, for we are being kept from doing what we're supposed to do simply because of too much doubt; perhaps such extreme wariness can even be translated to the doubt that God is for us.

I shall try to always remember that while I'm born here, I am not of here. My citizenship is of another Country, and I'm here, a foreigner. And a good foreigner I'll try to be, that I should not return my hosts with poison for my stay, even if they are not pleasant hosts.

Through the journey taken in this land far away from home, that I learn more of my Lord, as I walk to where He wants me to, as I do the things He commands.

I know how sometimes we yearn so much for Home, because things are so hard here, but I think being here, no matter how bad or how good it is, is essential. It is no There, but here that our love for God is tested, for us to know how much we actually love Him, how much we really want to be with Him despite our shortcomings. And when I say tested, it's not so much of "God wants to know," but rather "so we know it for ourselves."

Dear Lord, it's been said that You're not just after our heart, but all of us,
But there's a lot of things that is hard for us to give up, even to You,
We have our ambitions,
Our plans for the future,
That girl, the one that could be the perfect wife,
Or that guy, who could be the best of husbands.

The sins we indulge in,
They seem bigger than Your Love.
They really do!

And at times,
Even after accepting the perfect Love given,
Life feels empty,
Seems like there's no reason to even continue breathing.

Is that because we're such a pampered lot,
Or it's just phases that we have to go through?

And You know,
The intelligent arguments that we hear,
And the wonderful texts of so-called enlightened people,
Often so easily dissuade us from You,
They can so easily make us forget all that we've experienced with You,
Is such our love for You,
That rhetorics and sweet words are more real than the spiritual sight and intellectual experiences we had with You?

Where are our brothers and sisters that You've given us,
To nurse us our hurts?
And where were we,
When they needed us?

But if real life is what we'll have,
By giving all that we are to You,
Not just our heart,
But also our ambitions,
Our plans,
Our indulgences,
Our loved ones,
Help us do so.

If losing our life for Your sake is what it takes to have a real one,
Help us do so.

If emptying our bottle is what You demand before You can starts pouring in,
Help us do so.

And we ask that in our struggles, make Yourself truer to us everyday, every moment.

But even if You don't, give us the faith to echoes the words of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that we'd be able to say that, "...If we are thrown into the hardship of life, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from all there is. But even if He does not, know this, that we will not renounce His name, nor forsake the Truth that we have come to know, Who, much more than we love Him, loved us even to death."

Thursday, April 10, 2008


For all the times I've forgotten of how good You've been to me,
For all the times when I traded You for a pile of rubbish,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry...........

How can I be so stupid, again, and again, and again, and again...?

I'm breaking my own heart by breaking Yours... So many times...


Saturday, March 29, 2008


"...and rather, it is I who owe you, as have been commanded by my Lord Jesus (indirectly), and because of the promise I made to you, a debt that can never be repaid, and that debt is love."

Friday, March 28, 2008

right, or very wrong

"Look at the big churches. The reason why they're so successful is most probably because they're doing things right... Or very wrong." - paraphrased, from a super senior. (super denotes relative age, not superiority.)

Love it. :D

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


We kept telling people that worship is not just be at Church meetings, worship is not just the songs we sing.

Why is it that they just seem to not get it?

But can they understand if song-singing-to-God session is called worship (and also praise actually), and is kept being pounded into their head?

And while we sing, we equate rising hands, lifting of voices as worship, as we ask the people to "let's worship the Lord."

Are they not allowed to be confused?

How can the message that worship is not just all these, that worship is the whole life of a Christian, the essence of who he is, get through to them, if what we say sounds different from what we do?

real love

Yeah, you don't have to go to Church meetings to be a Christian.

You can test the love that God has placed in your heart with people other than Christians.

Why, the reasons why we avoided our fellow Christians are because they're a bunch of hypocritical people, unlovable and hard to please and serve. Non-Christians are easier to live with.

But can an untested love, be love?

It is with the unlovable people that we are able to truly confirm that love, is love.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

divine sanctuary

I believe that the place we choose to come before God, especially in Church buildings, or even our room, or fellowship meeting place would be left with a divine scent, making it hallowed and holy.

Yes, we can debate all about them, about mysticism and all, but do you know that there's a holy sanctuary that is more obvious than those places, a temple so close to our heart that God has chosen to reside in?

Much more than halls, Church buildings and our home, we worship our Father in spirit, and in truth.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

meeting up

I'm a person who's not very interested in meeting new people, with the exception of persevering and faithful caretaker, and faithful Christian parents.

Weird. Heh.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

silent beauty

Does the running of a child back to his Father need to be caused by something drastic for it to be heartwarming?

Does a person need to have an insanely filthy history for his repentance to be moving and touching?

Does a person need to die the death of a martyr for his testimony to be authentic and powerful?

I think that the most beautiful thing in Christianity is not about the angelic joy we try to put on whenever someone goes to the front of the church meeting room and repeat the sinner's prayer.
I think that the most beautiful thing in Christianity is not even when that someone goes to the front of the church meeting room and repeat the sinner's prayer.

I think that the most beautiful thing in Christianity is when a person consciously decide that it's time to return to the embrace of his Father.
I think that the most beautiful thing in Christianity is when a person consciously decide that it's time to let Jesus into his house, and have His way. (not because the person has gotten annoyed at the knocking! :P)

Simple, quiet, and beautiful.

"Come in, Mr Jesus.
And would you be my Lord?"

Monday, March 10, 2008

do wrong

There's a huge difference between knowing that your doings are wrong, and knowing the cost of your wrongdoings.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

fitted in

And the misfit shall venture into a different world,
A world unlike any other,
Where the misfit would be a perfect match.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008


Today, it is as if God said these to me:

"Why are you acting so indignant towards her? Is it her fault that you're feeling so bad?"

"Aren't you the one who pushed for honesty, that we do not only share of our successes, but also our grief? Aren't you the one who fought so hard for openness in expression of inner feelings?"

"By doing her this injustice, does it not blatantly show how hypocritical you are?"

"So, judge yourself, whether you should continue such a loveless act towards her."

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make things right for you again, to fix the problems and hurt that I've caused you. I never wished to spoil your final term.

Yeah, I was selfish, and it always is, right?


Is solemnness in saying grace before each meal, and the length of the thanksgiving prayer more important than the gratitude one feels towards God with every single bite taken?


Thank You for the re-pouring of Your love, refreshing my tired heart to its very core.

And for the reminder of why I choose this path of celibacy.

final step

Yeah, I do enjoy life.

To have good food once in a while.

To always be glad in the company of others. (well, actually, it's as often as it is possible.)

Yes, even to savour conversations with God while in this earthen vessel.

But as Christian, it is part of my delight in life to ask myself one question once in a while, so to not get caught up with all there is in this earthly life.

It does not matter if there's an important thing tomorrow, or an hour later, or even a minute later, but the answer to this question of utmost importance:

"Are you ready should the next step you take be your last on earth?"

And I would try my best to always let the natural answer be a yes.


I shall always remember of the vow made that I would never again seek happiness in my own smile, but from the smiles of others.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

useful regrets

I do not want to be one who laments and regrets while there are things that can still be done.

Regrets are only as useful as your resultant decision and action.


Something is going to happen in MMU Cyberjaya @ 10-13 March 2008............

It's a FAIR where you get to eat and buy stuff, and do charity!!!
But uh, sadly, we have no ferris wheel...
What's a fair without ferris wheel right???

But if you promise to come and support, we might be able to come up with something close, perhaps a simulation of it! :P

But currently, we're short of vendors for food and the flea market. :(
It is never our intention to deprive your good self from contributing to the lives of many others...

It'll be great if you can send me the contacts of any vendors, or someone who knows any vendors, or someone who knows someone wh
o knows any vendors! It's almost like you've contributed A LOT already! No, I'm actually serious!

Plus, if you help us get more vendors, you'll be able to have more choice of friedchicken/friendnoodles/friedmeehoon/


And on the first day, in the evening, there's this Care Night, where there'll be these you-can't-miss-em-all performances, consisting of bands, mime and drama!


And you'd be able to do something about your years of suppressed desire to help those that are less fortunate than your good self! We have "Beautiful Gates - Foundation for disabled," "United Voice," "SPCA Selangor," "House of Joy (not House of Flying Daggers!)," "Retirement Home," and "CREST" to help you to start walking your destiny!!!

I assure you that they would be able to help you with your hidden dream of doing charity works!

Remember, a single act of kindness can go a long way~

But the best of all these is that, you don't have to be here to support this good work! We accept donations, whether it is cash, or non-cash!

So, it is our hope that we can work together to contribute to the lives of others. 10 bucks is perhaps just the cost of one movie ticket for you, but for some, it is prolly just the right amount that they need to survive the day.

I can be contacted through my email address: yesuvia[at]

God bless you! ;)

Saturday, February 02, 2008


Those who know me would know how obsessed I am with God's blessing, especially with the physical and obvious ones.

Of course, I do try my best not to allow myself be confused that not seeing a blessing I expect is not an indication that God is not pleased with me, as if undesirable things are indication that I'm doing badly.

But I can't shake off this feeling that somehow, for the past few months that God seem to be asking me this question, and it's getting louder and louder:

"Should I cease to bless you, would you still follow after Me?"

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


If anyone ever tells you that he's a non-practising Christian, and he knows exactly what that means, and he meant it, know this also that that person is not a Christian at all.

There's only two kind of Christians; a Christian, and a non-Christian.

Sunday, January 27, 2008


For the sake of none,
With praises to self.

Thanksgiving given to mute gods,
Praises given to lifeless lords.

Lived for none,
Utterly worthless living.

Gladness in failure,
Happiness in shame
One has yet to start living,
Until one is found by God.

Growing in solitude,
Prepared in silence,
Armoured in the quiet.

Fair maiden,
Beautiful splendour,
Unwittingly loved.

Compelled to His service,
Wonderfully coerced,
Magnificently wooed,
Into celibacy.
'You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless till it rest in You.' - Augustine of Hippo.

Servant of none,
Servant of all, made,
Daily regretted,
Daily lived and rejoiced.

Monday, January 07, 2008


You wanted me to share my life with others, but doesn't that means giving it away?

How can giving pieces of my life away make me whole..?