Saturday, April 29, 2006


Have you ever felt like the more you get to know someone, the more you feel like you don't know them?

A strange feeling of unfamiliarity.

It's something more than just knowing a new part about the person, that you've never seen before. It's not about a sudden wanting to be impulsive.

It's more like all of a sudden, you feel like you don't know the person at all.
It's like all of a sudden, you've come to a realisation that the person's from a different world.
And it feel like everything you've come to learn about the person is either just the tip of the iceberg, or is totally incorrect at all.

It's like all the effort you've poured in to know the person is nothing. It's like all the time and energy used has return void. All those for just little? It's discouraging at times. It does.

It's like when you've a work to finish, and it's at 90%. But later, you found out that the 90% is actually just 10%, and you have to re-construct your mindset and your resolution. That's a weird example, but it's a close description of what I meant.

Makes you feel like you just wanna stop there, and start idling.

Well, if that happens, perhaps it's ok to just do that. Maybe after a while, you'll have enough rest to start again.

And no, it's not the person's fault for the sudden sense of unfamiliarity we feel. Perhaps it's our ego, thinking that we've already known a lot about the person. No matter how simple a person is, it'll take a lifetime to truly understand and know them.

And often, it's our own expectation and assumption of people that leads to our disappointments, and not the person themselves.

I wonder if I ever made anyone feel like that. Hmm... Maybe, since I have a lot of complexes, and many different sides. :P

No one will truly understand me anyway, or perhaps it's me who doesn't want people to.

I have a lack of faith in humanity. Sorry XD

Thursday, April 27, 2006


*A long awaited post for some, eh? Huhuhu~ ;)*

Loneliness. Yet another essence that draws people closer to God. No matter how many friends and loved ones you have, there are times when you just feel like no matter how much you explain, no one will truly understands how you feel, or how you think.

To have so many people around you, but to not have a least one like mind is hurtful, especially when we're heartbroken and disappointed.

And somehow, this flaw in the relationship of humans becomes one of the reason people find comfort in God. It's somehow relieving, and comforting to know that God understands how you feel and what you're going through, even when the whole world is unable to comprehend.

Some people find it weird that a love relationship between two christians can somehow actually lead them away from the God that brings them together.
Weird, isn't it? It doesn't seem very logical, but at times, it happens. Why?

As I said before, one of the reason humans are drawn to God is because of the feeling of loneliness. By being blessed with a partner, sometimes, people tend to think that finally, there's a person that would understand them, cherishing them for who they are.

It might be true, it might not be, but either way, this is one of the reason why people have come to forsaken their True Love.

By believing that there's actually a person who understands them, they decide that that person alone is enough. They do not need God as a comfort to their loneliness anymore.

How wrong can we be? No matter how much a person wants to understand you, they can never totally understand you. At the end of the day, it's God who understand you the most, more than you can ever do yourself.

That's why relationships can be dangerous at times, but I'm not discouraging it. It is good, of course, but no matter how dedicated you are to God, there is always a possibility of falling into this tragedy. Take each steps with care, and never ever let God out of your sight in building your relationships.

No offense, but sometimes, it's really amusing that some of my friends actually wanted to convince me that having a life partner is the only way to life.

And at times, some even seem to indicate that if I'm not out there doing God's work, I have no excuse to celibate. It's as if doing christian missionary works is the only reason to celibate.

My dear friends, if that's what you think, then may I ask you whether God is the reason to you having a girlfriend/boyfriend right now? If you would boldly give me a "yes", then I would kindly request you to really re-think again, and answer me truthfully.

If the reason of getting into a relationship can be not because of God, then why can't the reason to celibate be so too?

Are we so drowned by the love novels and love stories created through generations, that we've come to think that it is the only way to life?

People say that it's a gift to be able to celibate, but I say it takes more courage and faith to go into a relationship.

To be committed to a person, to be a motivator and supporter no matter what, to accept various weaknesses of the partner, and to brave the unpredictable possibilities of future.

To balance out work and family, to raise kids who would follow after God's way and not fall astray, to deal wisely with conflicts and troubles to come, to have unwavering devotion to God and unending love for your partner.

Someone once asked me, whether I really wanna celibate.

Hmm... It's not like I really wanna celibate, but rather, for now, a decision to celibate would make my life a lot easier. It serves as an easy way out for me, from my current condition, because of a certain someone.

So, truthfully, I am not in any way promoting or encouraging celibacy, but let him/her who can and wanna live with it, do so. (1 Corinthians 7:25-40)

To have a lonely heart going about,
With no one able to fill it full,
Only One will do,
Only One can do,
Our lonesomeness taken away,
And we are comforted;
In God, we are comforted.

So, whichever way you go, remember we have a loneliness that only God understands, that neither the world nor our loved ones can ever comprehend.

If you're in a relationship, I wish you all the best, and may you continue to draw close to God no matter what. And if you're into celibacy, I also wish you all the best, and may you continue to walk your life in close intimacy with Him.

God bless.

*Well, not like what you've expected, eh? :P*

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


What can one human do? How can one tiny and small human do? Pushing aside everything, living for their own desires and dreams.

It's not wrong, is it? To live like you wanted, as long as you're not hurting anyone.

It's not wrong, is it? To live, not knowing God, and the plans that He had for us.

It's not wrong, is it? It's not wrong, right?

Still, it undeniable that doesn't matter whether you acknowledge the existence of God, since you're His creation, He'll still bless you and bring you through troubles, like He would anyone.

But to know and acknowledge that He exists, brings our view of life to a whole different level.

To know the purpose of your own existance, and having something true to actually live for everyday;
To hold on to life no matter what, trusting in the grace of God;
To be comforted when our whole day or dream crumbles into little pieces;
To know that even though we're poor, we'll have enough;
Trusting that there'll be a day when our tears will be wiped off, and never drops again.

No matter how insignificant we think we are, we have our own important role to play in God's plan of life.

Sure, we can reject that, and another person can come and take it over, but why should it go that way, right?

Remember the prehistoric squirrel from Ice Age 1? From the start till the end, he was only a "filler" character, so out-of-place, going around by itself, in constant pursuit of his beloved nut. Bearing little significance, and have no importance at all, only to bring extra laughter to the audience.

And in Ice Age 2, it seems like his role never change, and it seems like it'll stay like that till the end of the show.

Somehow, it seems like the squirrel turns out to be the saviour of the rest of the other prehistoric animals in the area, but unwittingly to itself, unknown to the rest.

How's that? The only thing on the squirrel's mind was just to secure it's nut. And for the rest of the animals, they'd probably never know what happened.

Is such thing a beauty, or a tragedy? Everything you do, no matter how important it is to your circle of influence, would probably never be made known to you, and the rest of the people would probably never know. But surely, at least one Person would know. ;)

Yes, it is just a story, and would probably wouldn't be the same in reality. But such things are never known, so I choose to believe in such unknown beauty.

There are many things that we do in hopes of seeing the results, be it helping a friend, chasing after our dreams, praying for the salvation of a loved one. And sometimes, we don't see things happening. We get discouraged and heartbroken.

But we probably never do know, that while we couldn't manage to help our friend, even putting in effort would probably meant a lot.
And we probably never do know, that while chasing after our dreams, how much courage and encouragement we pour out to other people, strengthening them in their life.
And we probably never do know, that one day, the person we've been praying for would one day come to know and accept God as their personal saviour.

There are many things we do without knowing the consequences. There are many things we've failed to complete, without knowing the success the failure itself brought.

We never will know how large our circle of influence are, how huge the ripple from our every doings are.

So today, bring a smile to your face, and comfort to your heart, believing that no matter what happens, or how you've failed, God will use it as an important piece to the completion of His wonderful plan.

Pieces of picture puzzle never do make sense, with it's imperfect jagged sides. But until it is all placed together, only a perfect, breathtaking picture would be brought to view.

Take comfort in knowing that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Now I do not mean to say that you can go and do whatever you like and it will still bring about good things.

Whatever you do, do it heartily like unto God and not unto men. Avoid evil and strive to do good, for God and not for men.

And when you've put your all, but you still couldn't manage, it's ok.
And when you've tried to care, but feel like stopping, it's ok to stop and rest a bit.
And when you've tried to love, but want to stop loving, it's ok to run a while and cry a little.

Take comfort knowing that nothing you do will ever be in vain, even if you'd probably never see anything good from it. Seek His will, seek His blessings, seek His anointing. You'd probably not hear anything, but still, after you've done all that you're suppose to, commit it to God and let go. You may not be able to make full use of what you've done, but I believe He can. :)

So today, cheer up, believing that your good works are not in vain, even when you might not see the fruits of it. Persevere in what is right, continuously running after the only Truth in life.

May the works of our hands not be in vain, that He'll use it for His amazing plans; May His comfort comes when we are weary, to lift our spirits and our souls; May His presence be made known to us, that we can call ourselves blessed; May He open our eyes to His way, that we will not walk astray; May His hand guide us when it's dark, that even when we fumble, we are not lost.

And remember that though failure is not without end, it's ok to cry a little. :)

May God bless you this day.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


It's been a busy semester.

Two weeks ago, it was mostly about Easter Event.

But if you were to ask me about the outcome, what I think about the event, I couldn't give you any comments relating to how it was in the eyes of those who came to watch.
I'm more concerned with the effect of such events on the lives of those who participated, those who have helped out.

Yeah, the reason I joined wasn't very "godly"; God wasn't the ultimate reason I helped out.

So why did I help out, putting so much more than the years before? Was it because I'm a CGL this academic year, or because I just wanted some recognition?

Nope. That never even crossed my mind. I think.

The reason I helped out in such even is the same as why I joined the CF in campus. Being a lower than average christian, I can't think much of how to impact and bless the university I'm studying in.
I can't even help people in their studies, as I'm barely surviving on my own, being an average undergraduate.
The only thing I can do to bless this university is to help out in whatever thing the dedicated and active christians around are doing.

The second reason would be because of my juniors. I can't stand the fact that too few people are doing too much. I cannot keep an eye blind whenever I see them putting so much of their time into works that should've been done by the lot.

I'm not blaming the majority of the people for not helping out more. I would have remained the same if it's not because God decided to show me all these.

I previously would tend to not help out because I thought that even if I don't go, since the CF is so big, there'll be a lot of people who'll go. It was during the CF's apple giving session that I'm shown that it's never so.

It's the minority who does the work of the majority. And I don't like that. I don't like how my juniors are being drained of their strength and time like this. I do not like to see my friends doing most of the works, getting discouraged at times, while the rest of the people are hanging out or sleeping their day off.

That was when I made a vow, that I won't stand and watch. Whenever I can, whatever it is, I wanted to be a person who'll lighten up their burden. This is not the kind of christian life they're suppose to live. Their precious time and strength and life should not be robbed by the majority of passive christians around.

Back to the Easter Event. Yeah, being involved in such a hectic and busy thing would either lift someone's faith up, or pull it down.

With few hours of sleep, and spending the whole daytime in the campus helping out, that's not my daily dose of life. Yea, for some of you, it might even be your routine, but it's definitely not mine. And going like that for few days, it has taken it's toll on my body, and personality. I entered my don't-care-about-what-others-think berserk mode, but it didn't last long. I had to turn back to normal in order to not hurt the ones I cared about. Hmm...

And I've seen some of my friends in the same condition as mine, they went totally haywire with the lack of sleep, some probably don't even have any, and the hectic schedule. Well, it'll probably be better if that's all, but when you're dealing with people, it can go very bad.

Many hurtful things were said and done, relationships and friendships aren't gonna be the same anymore. But whether it'll go bad or good, depends on how we walk our days together.

But it's just refreshing when everything's done, when at the end of the day, we can look at each other and say, 'it is done.'

There will be a lot of things that can be learned and benefitted from this kind of thing. It's just a matter of whether we will spend our time to reflect and rethink. Will we just treat it as a passing wind, or a breeze that can refresh our faith, and lift us to higher heights.

No matter what, I hope that it is in His plan to bless us through this event, to bless everyone who's involved, and participated, even when we just wanted to bless other people.

May God be the strength of our hearts.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

much more faithful

Awaiting joy.
Let it fill my heart with bliss.

Why are you so much faithful than I am?

I've said many times that I'm grateful.
I've said many times that I'm thankful.
And I've said many times that I love You because of that.

Are those just mere words?
Spoken with no worth whatsoever?

Why is it that this heart is so easy to get discouraged?
Why do I look at the few mistakes and rejection,
overlooking the few thousands blessings and acceptance?

Why is it so easy for me to run away from You when things don't go my way?
Will I ever stay true to my words?
To stick by You no matter what?
I know I shouldn't live by my feelings,
but what do I do when I can't remember why?
What do I do when I don't feel like caring anymore,
or I can't remember why I even cared to care.

I hate myself for being weak.
Shouldn't I be strong?
Or at least run towards you when I fall,
instead of running away.

I hate myself for thinking too much.
To have pride in my own capabilities.
To pride myself in the things You've given me.

I hate myself for caring too much.
When at the end of the day, I'm sure to get hurt.
I know it'll happen, You've prepared me for it.
But when it happens, it just... hurts.

I hate myself for loving this much.
When I don't even know why I even loved in the first place.
I don't know where You are in this relationship.
I don't know where to place You.
I don't know what to do.

I said that You're the very reason that I lived.
I fear that it might not be so anymore.

I need Your insights Lord.
I'm asking for clarification,
and what I get is more, and more questions.

Does the answer lies in letting go?
Of all that I love?
Of all that I care for?

I need my personal getaway with You. Much much more than before.

I'm stagnant. I do not know where to go.

I do not know what to do. I do not know what to say.

So guide me, please?


I dared to ask all these, simply because I know that You're so much more faithful than I am.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

absolute definition

Talent. What is there to be proud of? What is there to be bragged about? It is something you're born with, a gift given unto you. Not something you've earned, or something you've worked hard for.

Envy. Why envy? Why look at things people have and you don't? We like to compare a lot. Yes, we do. We measure ourselves using other people's ruler, and when we come short, we become envious. Deadly poison for the soul.
We just don't realise that we are also an object of envy to some other people. All of us have something only we have. A mixture of different abilities and weaknesses. That's how we're different. There'll always be a lot of people after us, but there will never be one that is like us.

Compassion. Just what is compassion? Is it a feeling stirred up within you whenever you see someone in need of help, in need of care, in need of pity? How if that no matter what, I can't invoke this thing called compassion from within me?
Am I uncompassionate? Am I that bad? Is it even me who is at fault, that no matter what, this kind of sentiment refuses to appear?
Can one learn to be compassionate? Can one even try to be compassionate? Or is it more to an action taken after learning of one's misfortune, rather than the feeling felt?

Kindness. Just what is kindness? Is it something done, because our hearts are stirred for it? Or is it something we do, because we know we should do it? Are there motives to being kind? Or should there be motives to kindness? Or kindness with no reason at all is not kindness at all; or maybe kindness with no reason at all is the ultimate kindness there is? Hmm...

Are these even plain things with easy explanations? Is much thinking blurred what's supposed to be an easy truth? Or are these just something very vague, with no absolute answer, with no definite definition?

Jesus Lord, please help us to define the values that you've instilled in our hearts. At times, we are confused, and the only one who can clear us of confusion is You. So grant us Your wisdom, grant us understanding to many things, to many issues that we are going to face in this journey of life.

Thank You in advance.