Saturday, March 25, 2006

this trust

Why is such brokenness felt?

My heart seems to have been tear down; I'm not surprised, but why did it happen so loud, that all I can hear is the sound of it collapsing?

Dear dear Lord.

I understand more now why it is better to leave it to Your plans, rather than my own.

Everything seems good in my sight, but things don't always go the way I want to.
Because I'm not you. How shortsighted I am, and how longsighted You are.

Few more months left, and I'm released from this responsibility.
To return to the shell once again, to work from the shadows.

The more I know, the more distant I feel.
The more I care, the more aches I have to suffer.

Is it not already enough Lord.
Isn't it already time for you to get me out from here?
You've shown me much in a year. Is there more?

I wanna go away, being the misfit that I am, being so different from everyone that I know.
I do not want to show any of my core so much,
to be used and poked,
it hurts. it hurts.

But if all these seems well to You,
I'll wait. Yes, I'll wait.

If it's not yet the time to be removed from this, so be it. I've learned that Your judgements and plans are better than mine.

I want to rededicate this proud, foolish and filthy heart into Your care, Your cleansing work.

If it is good that I'm heartbroken,
let it be.
If it is good that I'm hurting,
let it be.
If it is good that I feel like running away, but can't,
let it be.

I'm ready to be more than this. I'm ready to be even more different from all the people that I know. I'm ready to be more than the misfit I already am. I'm ready to leave the feelings I have.

If You can die for me, I can live for You.

So let me be, let You be.

I await deliverance, not from people, not from anyone, but from You.

Be still my soul, with all you are.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


I don't feel like posting anymore.
I also don't feel like replying emails anymore.
I don't feel like going the extra mile for people anymore.
I don't think I like her as much as before anymore.
But I also feel like I don't like everybody as much anymore.

I'm numb.
Or made numb.
By myself.

A way of escape?
Running away?
I wish.
Maybe I'm at the edge of my limits.
And inside of me, it just wanna stop.
Don't wanna feel the way I felt, anymore.

I'm numb.
Or became numb.
To everything.

I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't wanna chat about it.
I don't wanna think about it.
I just wanna be numb.
For as long as I can be.

Monday, March 20, 2006


It's kinda hard being a human eh?

It's a wonder that at times, we cause hurts, and we live the rest of our lives not noticing even a bit of what we've done, while the person who got hurt, lived with it for the rest of their lives.

But what are we to do? Even sentences that are thought over carefully, reviewed over and over again, will somehow, cause some hurt to someone, while we the speaker has no such intention.

What are we to do? The only thing to do is to speak less, thus hurt less. The best way, it seems, is to stop speaking at all, but these solutions aren't solutions at all. They're just a mean of avoidance.

What are we to do? Getting hurt at little little things which people say, with no actual harm meant.

Why do we think too much? To analyze small small matters into the very details?

But if we are to accept something people say as it is, some would probably meant something more, which the speaker tries to convey secretly, hoping that we would notice.

But if we are to dig too much from a casual conversation, trying to see whether there's something hidden underneath, there would probably be nothing at all, and we'd be branded over-sensitive, insecure, and suspicious.

So, what should we do, what should we do?

It seems like either to the left or to the right, we'd fall into the puddle anyway.

But really, does it matter if something someone tried to convey means something more? Whether we think too much, or think too little of it, it's just all speculations, with no solid proof, right?

So, either way, it doesn't benefit much. It'll only fill our minds with unnecessary worries and anxiety. And we'll live less happily in this little world.

If a person has anything to say to us, let the person says without the use of hints, without hidden meanings, without riddles. Else, let us just ignore whatever the person's trying to convey.

I'm not proposing that we be ignorant of the feeling of others, or to be less sensitive towards others, but I'm trying to encourage honesty in relationships, in friendships.

We can play the game of hints forever, which would probably results in nothing, or we can just sit together, be honest, and that's it.

So hopefully, we can stop hurting ourselves by thinking too much, and stop hurting others without knowing it. Let love be love, and sorrow be sorrow. Let love not be sorrow.

Saturday, March 18, 2006


Why is it that when I try to run away, I drew closer?

Everything's been blur and hazy these days.

It felt like a storm just passed by, but everything remained untouched.

It felt like time is flowing extremely fast, but when I look around, it's the same as usual.

These few weeks has been the weirdest weeks of my academic year, and I kinda felt something coming.

Is this premonition, or something else?

Either way, it benefits me nothing.

I just wanna live life more than this. Yes, to come out of this mud and start walking like I should.

What should I do? I know not. I know not. Everthing's blurry, everything's blurry.

So, God, please help. Please help.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

dear Lord,

It's weird. Yes, it's weird.

It seems like the more I get to know You, the existence of my conflicting nature becomes more evident.

I feel two different personality, residing in one body, surfacing at the same time, in constant battle with one another.

So, is the good one the 'spirit man', and the evil one the 'old man'?

Or is it just because my heart is naturally evil, to the very core?

Why is it that sometimes, when I truly wish someone to be well off, that there's this voice, that's wishing otherwise?

Can I claim that it's not me, when it feels so clearly that, it's a part of me that's speaking of curses and evil?

Even in prayer, even when others are praying, the 'person' hurls blasphemies and insults.

Deep inside, I would rather die than saying those things, and it hurts me when those voices that are from my within spew such words.

Am I to admit that 'he' is me?

To know that I am evil beyond all things? I am more wretched that most people?

But I know one good thing that comes from this; To reach to the Father residing on the throne of heavens, my filthy self could never bring itself to His presence. I can only come before Him, in a heavenly robe stained with the blood of His Son, the Son who was crucified for my sins.

It pains me to know that no matter what I do, my apparel and attire will never be clean enough to come before my God, if I were to evaluate with all sincerity.

No matter how I wash it, it reeks of innocent blood that I've spilled. Of filthiness, that can never be washed away. Of evil, that can never be rid of.

So Lord, thank You for Your heavenly robe, stained with the Holy blood of Your Son, that You traded with me. Thank You for taking my unclean robe, and gave me Yours instead. Thank You, for enabling me to come before You again, with confidence, not in my own goodness, but Your merciful and graceful Self.

So let Your grace be poured unto me, more and more, that my 'old man' can be suppressed, and my 'spirit man' surfacing with great authority.

I'm sorry for my evil heart, I'm sorry that I'm who I am, but I'm glad for who You are.

I thank You, for the Hope that has been given unto us.

Let me not be arrogant in my so-called 'wisdom', but grant me a child-like faith, that You can truly work in me; To be less 'realistic', but to be more 'faith-full' instead.

I thank You for Your Love, Your infinite and endless Love.


Sunday, March 12, 2006

a better judgement

Right now, I've come to a point where I once again question my own ability of judgement.

Most of my decisions, are not decisions made after seeking God, but instead, relying on own agenda, and faith that God will make something out of the decision.

I find it troubling to having explain the reason to certain of my doings, because how can I let someone see what I see? The views that I have, the belief that I hold on to, they're different from other people.

Or maybe sometimes, I look too much towards myself. Maybe I should focus on what people wants rather than what I want more?

Right now, I don't really know whether there's any correct things I've done in the past. There's so many things I've done and decided, that I think is right at that particular moment. But now, I'm doubting it.

I know I wouldn't make the most correct decision most of the time, and there are indeed some things that I'm doing that I'm not really sure whether it should go this way.

But having to question back what you've already done that you think was correct, even till now, I need my pride taken away. I need people to stop giving praises that I don't deserve.
I didn't do any good job, so don't bother congratulating me or giving me a pat on the shoulder.

And right now, somehow, I'm not liking this line of work that God has gave me to do, once again. I hated it once, but when I got used to it, I grew to like it. And now, I'm not liking it once again.

But by feeling like this, am I actually disbelieving my own abilities, or God's capabilities? Am I limiting myself, or am I limiting Him?

No, it's not self-pity, but I think it's probably because my pride has been hurt. Heh. To think I still have that. And a whole lot of it.

Wouldn't You take away this prideful person, Lord? Life would be so much easier to pass if I'd just become more humble.

I know You don't need my help Lord, but rather, I'm the one who need You. But if there's anything You wanted me to do, just tell. I hope I'll do it and not get discouraged easily. And it all depends on how large is your sphere of mercy Lord. :)

I look forward to a good sunday. Help me make it, instead of just hoping and waiting for it.

A good day doesn't happen on its own; It is made.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

thicker than blood

People look hard for people they can relate to, people they have connection with, doesn't matter whether they can really connect with them or not.

The easiest link for this would be blood relations.

That's probably why people would always look back for or cling unto their family members. It's not like they can be trusted to not betray or harm you just because you're related by blood, but at least the chance is lower compared to the rest of the world.

While this is so, I do believe, or try to believe that love is thicker than blood.


A parent with adopted child will grow to love the child as their own as time goes. And they're not even related by blood.

A person will grow to love someone as much as they love themselves, or probably more than that, one day. And they're not even related by blood.

Some are blessed with trustworthy friends, which would never give you up for the world, nor would you give them up for the world. Some would even give their lives for you, as you would some. And all of you are not even related by blood.

That why sometimes, I do not understand why people stereotype people by their lineage. To push a child away just because the parent didn't have a good background. To hate someone, just because they're born to the line of a different race.

Did they wish to be born that way? Wouldn't they have opted for another ancestry if they know they'll be hated for being who they are?

No matter what root I come from, I do not regret it. Some people pride themselves as being someone from a certain race, from certain family root, but I see myself as an individual, while trying to be ignorant of such things. Sure, I still celebrate cultural and traditional festivities, but that's another issue.

I just know that if I want to see people of different origins with a fair eye, I must rid myself from being tied up to these things. The knowledge of how cultures, races, traditions, and humans come about helps. Having an eagle's eyeview of the matter, no matter how little, helps.

Anyway, I just know that in God's eye, whatever race you're from, whatever history you have, you're an individual. When you stand before His majestic and awesome presence, you're an individual. Your whole life would be about you, and being who you are.

So, in the end, it has nothing to do with blood, but it has everything to do with love.

My conclusion? Love is definitely thicker than blood.

God bless.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Someone asked me to post about celibacy.

I can do that.

If now is an hour ago.

But now, I'm pooped.

Goodnight. :P

Sunday, March 05, 2006

i'm sorry

I'm sorry for being nosy.

I'm sorry for such insensitive stupidity.

I'm sorry for being such weak CGL.

I'm sorry for thinking I am capable.

I'm sorry for my ego.

I'm sorry for thinking that I am a good encourager.

I'm sorry for my pride.

I'm sorry for thinking that I give good advices.

I'm sorry for being me.

I'm sorry that I am weak.

I can only apologize, but I know it wouldn't help a bit.

So Lord,
what I have tore apart, help me fix it;
what I have destroyed, help me recreate;
what I have trampled, help me restore.

I'm sorry.


Mistakes. One of the thing that leads to our growth both in attitude, and in character.

What do you do when you because of your insensitivity, and stupidity, led to a conflict between two persons?

You thought you've learned from it, and from then onwards, it'll never happen again.

But no, you're soooooooo wrong.

I've once severed the relationship between two sisters. Until now I do not dare to talk to the elder one. I don't know how they're doing now, but this guilt I've carried till now. It was my fault. Because I was an idiot.

I thought I've learned. That it'll never happen again.

Yet now, here I am, causing another conflict between two dear sister in Christ.

Lord! How many times will this happen? I'm sorry I've grown close to people. I'm sorry for trying to encourage without caring what has happened. I'm sorry for being such an idiot.

I can't run away, I have responsibilities.
I don't know what to do Lord, I'm helpless.
I can only make myself numb, that I may not collapse from the guilt.

I know You'll forgive me of my mistakes, but that's not the issue now. Yes, I've wronged you, but more importantly, I've wronged them. If they're not reconciled, I doubt that I'll be able to really live in freedom in You like I was before.

I'll seriously talk less to people.
I won't hang out as much anymore.
I'll only do what's necessary, I would not go the extra mile anymore.

I just want them to be on good terms with each other again, and for this to never happen again.

So please Lord?

No matter how badly I've screwed up Lord, please grant Your mercy and grace to me.

Somehow Lord, in whatever ways, let this be turned into something good.

You said that all things work together for the good of those who love You, to those who are the called, according to Your purposes.

Let me see this verse works Lord. Let me see Your goodness now.

I don't want to face this everytime I come into Your presence. I don't wanna remember that this problem is still unsolved, everytime I hold the bread and the cup during Holy Communion. I can't talk to You in liberty and confidence knowing that this problem remains.

I do not want to limit You, but I do know that if You're willing, You can make it well.

So please Lord, please.

Saturday, March 04, 2006


I'm sorry that I'm weak Lord, but I thank You for illuminating me through.

It has been a blessed academic year. I've gained much, I've lost some.

I admit that most of the time, changes are for the better. But sometimes, when we lost something that has been a part of ourselves for so many years, even if it's a bad one, we feel the loss.

We feel like we've forgotten who we are, that we've lost trace of who we used to be. But if it's for Your glory Lord, no matter how painful it is, let it be. I'm grieving, but I'm also holding unto You.

Though it's been a weird year, that I should go through this particular circumstance, I realise that I've come to understand things I never did. Now I understand why apostle Paul wrote what he wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:25-35, because I've felt it, I've experienced it.

It's hard for humanly love, and Godly love to live together. Yes, it can be in total harmony, but most of the time, when one is present, one has to give way. It's hard to have the thoughts of your loved one, and meditate upon the Lord at the same time, except in prayers.

At this point, I cannot do much. It's not like I wanted to feel like this in the first place. It just happens. So I'm sorry. Whatever may be, may God provide me a way to fusing the both, that I may also bless others.

And if it's possible, I pray that He take away it all, and free me from this bond. I wanted to feel like a friend again. A normal friend. It felt like a betrayal and a lie unto her by waking up everyday with this kind of feeling.

But even if this is meant to remain, I believe I can live with it through the rest of my life. Yes, I believe I can.

Whatever it is, let me not lose focus on the works You're doing inside me. Let it not because of this I'm missing out on the actual thing You planned by creating this circumstance.

Whatever it is, I'll keep waiting for Your grace to be upon my face, I'll wait for the time that I can stand proud in front of her, with no extra motive or feelings. Yea.

Whatever it is, let me live through this, let me live to tell of Your goodness.

For our pitiful feelings cannot compare to Your everlasting Love.