imperfection

There have been many period in life where I would look at my life and think to myself, oh, how I would like to get this-and-that done, perfectly if possible. Then I'll be happy.

But if so, then what?

Do I know myself enough to say that when it's all said and done, that I'm such a person to say, "let's look for something else to go after in life," or will I scare myself by saying, "that's all there is in my life; there's nothing else to look forward to?"

Hmm... I think I'll just allow myself to be contented with all imperfections I'm currently having.

Plus, I think imperfection is cute. ;)

phonecall phobia

I used to think that my fear of realtime phone calls is because of a certain-childhood-experience-induced phobia.

But now, I think it has got more to do with my sorry-my-cacated-ear-can't-get-you ear.

those promises

Now that I think about it, it seems like I've been getting a lot of reminder these days.

With the shifting, I-can't-deal-with-these-people-anymore, financial worries (yeah right. I don't even know how this came into the list. When looking at the actual record, it's a joke that it's there) and whatnot, it seems as if it's a call of "hey, when are you going to fulfill that promise you made Me?"

Well, not that I didn't realise it earlier; I just didn't want acknowledge it.

I did say that when you takes care of people, God will take care of you. And with all my promises of service, and the ring on my finger...

But of course, the fearful me would still not dare to tread the first step after admitting knowledge of all these things... So, are You going to poke me some more?...

game

This so-called love seems like some sort of game these days.

And I don't feel like playing anymore.

OK

I used to wonder why is it that most of things I say to you are just 'OK's.

I think I know why now. The only alternative is very undesirable.

severed

It's that time of the year again,
Let it continue, what has been placed on hold.

And the string-severecutting shall continue.

period

Don't ask me to open my eyes to see the world as it is,
For I fear the flowing would not cease,

Don't ask me to love more than I already have,
For I fear the stream would not end,

Don't ask me to give an embrace when I cannot,
For I fear this heart would not stop breaking...

time's up

It's been almost a year, and the call came tonight.

My time here is up.

hypocrisy

One of the thing that irks me the most is when a hypocrite calls another person hypocrite, but never realising that he himself is one.

Hey, have you looked into the mirrors lately? Count your own warts first, then only you're qualified to count others of theirs.

No, I'm not asking you to not judge people. I'm saying that according to my simple standards, you're allowed to say that others suck, only if you first admit that you suck too. Maybe then you would look less like a fool, and your emotional accusation would bears some weight.

fare thee well, acquaintances

Browsing through my Instant Messenger list and my Internet Social Networking list makes me sad.

How many acquaintances have I met, that are then turned into a new entry in a list, and after so many years later when looking at the list triggered me to say, "ah, I once knew them?"

This makes me really, really sad. I would normally analyze my own feelings, in an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do but for this case, I rather not.
Why wouldn't I? Because the question is irrelevant.
How so?

Before that, I would like you to know that this list of acquaintances was created before I was smarter. Before I was wiser. No, not wise, but relatively wiser than before (or so I hope). Since then, I've tried my best not to make more acquaintances in the guise of "friends." I've subscribed to the principle that friends should be like books, few but good.

I've also raised the bar of my definition of "friends," to become "people who are willing to die for me." I suspect some would think that my demand is ridiculous, but I rather think of it as honouring those who already are. Why should I equate these precious people with you people, who are just merely people I somehow knew?

But I'll be honest with you. This definition of "friends" prevents me from knowing whether I have any. I cannot answer the question of "so, do you have any friends then," since it's not only a problem of being a wrong question, but also it is a problem of asking the wrong person. It is meant for people around me to evaluate whether they are my friends, or perhaps more accurately, whether they want to be one (or still be one). After all, you don't actually choose your friends; they decide whether they want to be one.

So, I hope with this, you understand why I find it irrelevant to analyze the reason I am sorrowful whenever I think of fading acquaintances. If you don't, don't bother. I assure you that your time will be better spent doing other things.

Tonight is the night when I shall mourn for those I've met, who ended up as being someone on my lists. And also for those who will eventually end up as just someone on my lists.

Oh, no. For those who consider themselves my friends, please do not rally to my side just to show me that I have some. To me, such "proof" is no proof. It is not for me to know who are my friends, but for you to know whether you are mine. Plus, I rather that you spend your time with someone else. That is what you should do if you think yourself as my friend. It'll be my honour if you would do so, even though I would have no knowledge of it.

I would not appreciate your effort, nor would I be able to. And I'm an introvert.


So, to those who I barely knew, or have become so, I wish you well.
I wish you well.