Monday, August 29, 2005

my hymn of mourning

I did little when I could have done so much more.

I did not care when I should have.

I was not loving when I should be.

I slack when I shouldn't.

Forgive me a sinner,
when I could've done so much more, but never did.

forgive me a sinner.

For this is my hymn of mourning.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

christian fellowship

After a lengthy conversation with a junior, I've come to know more about my university's CF, and have come to love it more than ever.
When I say CF, I meant the group of believers plus some interested non-believers, and more than that.
I meant the very people who form this group, from the friendly ones, to the not so friendly ones.

I may not very much loved them, but I think I'm beginning to.

Of their unceasing passion,
Of their unending love towards God,
Of their sacrificial efforts.

Yes, I think I'm starting to understand what they stand for, what they do, why they do. While you might say that it's obvious that they're doing it because of God, but I believe it's more than that.
It's probably the love that they have for the people who share their faith.

It is a Fellowship afterall.

Where we learn to help each others up after every fall,
Where we learn to tend to each others wound,
Where we learn to care for each other with genuine love.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

me, my life, and busy-ness

Had CG combine today. Actually it just ended. Oh no. I forgot to pay attention and learn how other CG do stuff! >_<" Can't help it. Was feeling numb. Don't know what to do. Probably crowd-phobia kicked in again.

Anyway, I just realised that if there's a graph of "prayer vs busy-ness", mine would either be linear, or exponential. Meaning I'll pray more if I'm more busy. Yes, by that I'm saying that my prayer life is lacking, and by also I admit that the more busy I am, the more I need God's wisdom, and strength to do it all.

For me, life as a student, as a son, and as a person, is not seperated from my life as a christian. It's the same thing. For me, busy studying is also something that is done by God's grace, for God's glory. It's both a responsibility, and a luxury, given to me by God.

That's why when some of my CG member has something to do, be it finishing assignment, studying for a paper, something to do in a club/society they joined, I'm ok with it, and I'd be glad to ask them to go on with it, and give it their best.

You may argue that "serving God" is more important, and by that I'm assuming church, CF, and/or CG works, but do all these matters if you flunk your papers? Would that be a bad testimony to your fellow peers, lecturers, and parent?
Like few God-given-wisdom people said, let God not be the top priority of your list, but let Him be the center of it all.

If I were to play game, I pray to God that He'll teach me to be patient, (games can be frustrating, a wonder that we still play :P) to not be quick to curse, and to be a cross-bearer even. And sometimes, games can make you forget that you're a christian, and even before you know it, you've let all hell break lose, from within yourself.
Just few days ago, I've created a clan in a MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), obviously with no members, bearing the name "evangelofchrist", meaning the "Good News of Christ." That way, at least I'll remember that I'm a christian, and maybe even sharing my faith with people who get into contact with me. *grin*

If I were to watch a movie, I'll ask God to teach me something out of the movie. Some movies can have nothing to do with your faith, but in some way or another, you can always relate yourself to it. Just let God do the whispering. ;)

If I were to go on a journey by myself, when I simply waiting for transportation, I'll have a chat with God, and often, He speaks directly to my heart, many, many things.

And if I were to study, do assignments, lab reports, I ask God to give me wisdom, and strength, and many times, He has shown His grace, by giving me understandings, that I would never be able to attain, even if I were to give my very best. Trust me on this, I know my limits.
Thus, most of the time, I couldn't bear the wonder of His goodness, given unto me, even during my time of extreme unfaithfulness, and disobedience. I'm rendered speechless before Him.

And even when I'm writing these things, I still seek His guidance, that these would not be merely my thoughts, but things He wants me to learn through my own writings. The reason that I'm moving from my personal journal to blog is so that anyone, who might stumble upon this blog will be blessed, and encouraged by truthful statement of how God has been good to me.

There are things that I don't share among my friends, because I wouldn't know which testimony would serve to encourage them best in different times, so if they were to ever stumble here, they can just simply scroll to read things that they can relate, at any particular time. :)

Yea, I know I'm jumping topics, but that's just simply because I have a lot to share.

Anyway, I hope that you'd be blessed, if you've been somehow "divinely" directed here, to find something that connects to your own life.

And know that no matter how big you open your eyes, you won't clearly see the wonders God has done, been doing, or will do in your life, unless you ask the wonder-doer Himself to reveal it.

So, ask today, and allow your heart to be blessed, so that even if you're super busy, super tired, or plain numb, you'll go to bed smiling.

May God bless you this day. :)

Monday, August 01, 2005

sunday special

My passion level to blog is low right now, but I'll continue to write of God's goodness in my life, regardless of my own emotional rapid changes. Sometimes I hate how my mood can change so fast.

From being hyper to suddenly feeling down.
From being happy to suddenly feeling sad.
It's like I choose to accept a lie over a hundred truth.
And how easy for me to disregard thousands of encouragements just because of one discouragement.

But there's good from it also.
From a deeply saddened person, just by a comfort received, I'll be overly joyful person again.
From a broken heart, just by receiving a smile from people I loved and cared for, I'll be grinning widely again.

I wonder if this weird being is testing God's patience. I wonder if it's ok for me to always change so fast. Is it because of a lack of self-control, but then again, can you control emotion outburst?

Went early to church today again, to attend the second last part of the evangelism class. I don't know why I ever enrolled for it, probably God wanted me to learn something from it. *shrugs*

Worship was great. I just love hyms. :) And sermon was about the reason churches are not out there, loving people enough to guide them to God. Everyone was asked to participate in a soul pledge something, where we pledge to continue to pray for those we hope will come to know God.

5 names was needed. For me, it wasn't enough. I just realise that there's so many people I wanted to see being led back to God.
My family, my godsisters, my internet friends, my housemates, my friends, my juniors...
It seems like there's too many people, but too little time. We're eager to see our loved ones come to know God as we were before, but as we know it, people need time. But being as we are, impatience is our nature. *sigh*

I came back to my condo in cyberia, in sleepiness, but I still need to tend to my computer. I switched it off the night before, to give it rest after a week and now, it won't start.
I did everything I know, removing the fan, which seems to be the problem as there's sound that comes out from it. Wrong.
I remove my harddisk to test it on other computer, which proves to be a pretty troublesome and hard work, which I abandoned and returned it to my system.
I took out the cpu and admired it before putting it back. Yes, it was pointless, but I had to try something!
I'm out of my wits. I connect everything back, and started praying. As unfaithful as I can be, I try to believe as much as I can that God can help me start the computer, while I remind myself of how He has helped me solved some of my computer problems before.
Don't ask for details, because I don't know why my computer was able to start after that.

While you might say that it's coincidental, but because I prayed, and I told Him that if it works, I won't regard it as being a coincidence, and will give Him the glory, I will believe that it's His intervention that enabled it to work.

This is the manner of those who choose not to believe. They say that they will believe in God if 'something' happen. That 'something' could range from voice booming from the sky, sudden miracles, angels appear, God appears to them, etc. etc. etc.
But from what I know, if you will not to believe, you will not believe. Even if all those things happen, you would most probably say that they're coincidences, or trying to compensate with "logical" explanations.
If you've decided that you would not believe, you'll harden your heart no matter what happens.

That's what happened in history, and we're the same sinful people we are. God gave the Hebrews a pillar of fire to give them light in the night and a pillar of cloud to lead the way in the day when they're fleeing Egypt, but even so, a lot of them refuse to admit the sovereignity of God, and went worshipping idols.
Jesus performed a lot of miracles during His ministry on earth, yet, a lot of people who witness the miracles chose not to believe.

If you will not to believe, no matter what happens, you will not believe it.
So, before you give the verdict, open your heart for once, 'taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him' - Psalm 34:8
My life started from this verse. I challenged Him to something, and He was up to it. I kept my word and from that day onwards, I serve Him only and no other god.

I hope that this little bit of sharing will encourage those who believe, and for beloved people who has yet to believe, I hope you can 'taste and see that God is good.'

Looking forward to God's wonder during my one week midterm holiday, despite my busy schedule and ups and downs in life.

I might not be joyful always, but when I'm down, He's there to lift me up. Always. :)

God bless.

petty dilemma

Having so much to share.
But it'd be weird to blurt out everything in one shot.
And my sequence coordination is bad.
Too many things observed and learned in a day.
If I were to blog it all...
No I wouldn't do that!
I'm far too lazy! :P

I can only thank God for the things that happened.
I can only thank God for enabling me to learn from things that has happened.
I can only thank God for humbling me enough to accept the things that I've learned.
I can only thank God for His grace in my life, which is never lacking, which can never too much, which is neverending. :)