Friday, February 17, 2006

in silence

To the one i loved deeply, but probably would never be told so:

For me to know you, is a miracle. I've never thought that someone could notice so much about me, I've never thought someone could know so much about me.

For the hurts done, for the wrong things spoken, for the walks that didn't go well, I'm sorry.

Know that I never mean it so, when I would give the world just for your smile.

Know that you're always on my mind, not 24/7, but most of the time, yea.
No matter what I do, no matter where I am, there's time when I'll suddenly think of you.

Know that I read your smses over and over again, just to read the things you wrote.

Know that I love to chat with you, even when there's nothing to say.

Keeping my feelings to myself does hurt. Knowing that you probably would never know hurts. Realising that I might not be able to be with you for the rest of my life hurts.

But instead of risking this friendship just to make known this feelings, I rather swallow it in. And believing that God would match you with someone better, somehow, I'm relieved. And having faith that God will bless you with a happier life somewhere with someone other than me, tears will still roll down my cheek, but my lips will still keep the smile.

There are times I wonder whether I'll keep this feeling forever, even when you're already far away.

Should I?

There are times I wonder whether I'll still have the same feeling up in heaven, when we're all with Jesus.

Or will it disappear?

There are times when I wonder what would happen if we were to walk the rest of our lives together?

I'd probably not be good enough for you, but if we are meant to be, you'd probably become my inspiration to be a better person, second only to God.
The thought that I'll get in the way of your bright future is always there, but the same goes to the thought of wanting to be there, seeing and sharing your every achievements.
And I would never want you to love me more than you love the Lord, because only then I can know that you'd understand the things I would do for Him.
Even when the feelings' gone, we'd walk the rest of our lives in close friendship, a bond that can never be broken, sanctified by marriage.

That would probably be it, but then again, it'd probably not be.

But that's enough a dream for the day, I would never tell anyway.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

exceeding joy

Exceeding joy. It's been so long since I feel like everything's been going the correct and wrong way at the same time. Sorrow and joy interchanging at high speed. Sadness and happiness switches ever so rapidly.

Been feeling fear of a lot of things. People, close friends, responsibilites, especially of my own CG. Yea, I'm scared. I don't know why. Been feeling inferior. Don't blend well with people. Don't act like self in crowds. Been very careless with a lot of things. Been thinking that I wouldn't do well with people and stuff.

But somehow, something was revealed to me. To know that everytime I'm not doing something when I'm supposed to, I'm limiting God, saying that He's incapable.

Everytime I'm not giving my best, or just go in boldness and courage, I'm telling people that my God is weak, my God is small.

The thought of insulting my own Jesus stunned me. I've never thought my self-pity and pessimism is equivalent to so.

But somehow, whenever I'm with people, I can't help feeling out of place and weak and inferior. Oh how I miss the days when I was so optimistic.

But how blessed I am today, when my computer which kept restarting was somehow ok again.

Once again, I removed the fan and the heatsink, only to discover the CPU attached to the heatsink. And the pins have somehow bent, and there's this part where the pin seems to have come off. I'm not sure whether it's not there in the first place, or was lost due to my recklessness.

I put it back again, and tried few times to turn the PC on, but to no avail. And somehow, just now, it worked again. Yes, there is a thought that it was a random electronics failure, and from experience I know how unreliable these things are, when they can go haywire without warning, even when it's left untouched.

But I'm just happy. Was deciding to go and buy a new chipset, but now it's ok.

To know I'm not capable to fix things, but can only rely on luck, and experience.

But to know that God is in every single thing in my life, be it my computer, my studies, my family, my problems, my sleep, and my all, that itself is a blessing.

So, what if I AM weak. So what if there's a lot of stuff I can't do. I'm happy with life, and I'm so looking forward to so many wonderful things God has to offer.

To be optimistic is the flower of life, but to be optimistic because of the hope in God is the essence of it.

I wish you a blessed day. :)

Saturday, February 11, 2006

letting go

The past few days have been tough on me. Forced me to rethink my life and relationships with people. As long as these things are not solved, I can hardly ever pray. I can’t face Him when there’s something I’ve not settled over here.

As a so called CGL, my approach was to be a friend. A friend who’s serious in developing close friendship. Yea, not to everyone, but I try to.

I found out that when things happened the wrong way, I’m trapped between duty and life. Yea people always say that you need to avoid having your personal life issues interfere with your duty. That’s ridiculous. We’re the life we live. We have duties because of the life we live. To separate life from duty is absurd.

But although that saying is absurd, things will most probably be easier that way. Because they’re unconnected. So they won’t affect one another. And that is probably what I’ll do. To run into my shell and work from there. I need not go out anymore. Nope, actually I don’t wanna go out anymore.

And I need to remind myself that things that matters to me, doesn’t necessary matter to other people. And things that don’t matter to me, doesn’t necessary be so with other people. I need to be both flexible and sensitive at the same time, and that must be done within the shell.

Things that I’d go an extra mile for doesn’t necessarily matter to other people. Issues I view as serious and should be talked over, others may think that it’s just some petty concern. Things that break my heart and steal my sleep may be trivial to others.

I need to let go. Pursuing it may free me, but may cause hurt to others. And it doesn’t really matter if I’m sick to the heart, as long as the heart of the ones I care about stays intact. I don’t wanna break any heart, cause anymore problem. It’d be fitting if I take my distance, and stop stepping on people’s feet.

So, Lord, I’m letting go. I would not pursue it any further. So help me forget. I don’t wanna think about it anymore. I don’t want to dwell upon it anymore, I don’t wanna live my life like this anymore.

We’re incompatible, and we prolly will never go well together. As long as the safe distance is not crossed, me and you is safe from harm. From whatever harm there is, things that happen in close proximity.

Take care, and God bless you all, my friends.

Thursday, February 09, 2006


Conflict. Something most people tend to want to avoid, though some find joy in seeking it.

For me, that is something I truly hate, and I'd give my all just to avoid it. It's something I can never learn to handle, and whenever it happens, I have this tendency to go to my bed, sleep it off, not wanting to think about it.

But no matter how hard I try to avoid it, it'll still happen. It's only natural, because we're human. Someway or another, sometimes, we step on each others' toes. It's because we also have toes. It's because we're human.

When conflict happens, the block of friendship that has been build over the time, just tend to crumbles down. An accidental swing, a simple misunderstanding, a small mishap.

No matter what people say, things will never ever be the same again. It has happened, we cannot pretend like nothing ever did happen, and that we can go on with our lives like we did before. Even in pretending to forget, things is never the same again, and we know it.

It's tiring. Building the block takes time. And when it crumbles, we also need time to build back what we've built before.

But no matter what, even when things wouldn't be the same again, whether it'll go positive or negative depends on how we walk the rest of our days together.

You can build the relationship back, or you can just give up and leave it all scattered aground.

But one thing for sure, that from this conflict, we've gained another block. A block of better understanding of one another. To add this block when building thing back will help strengthen the relationship. Doesn't mean that conflicts will never happen again, but the possibility of the same thing ever happening is lowered to near zero.

So, it's your decision to make full use of the extra block gained, or just to walk away from the crumbled mess. I wish you all the best if you decide to build things back. The future doesn't look bleak at all, right? ;)

May this bless you. I've got my own blocks to build back. :) Till then.