Tuesday, March 24, 2009

fare thee well, acquaintances

Browsing through my Instant Messenger list and my Internet Social Networking list makes me sad.

How many acquaintances have I met, that are then turned into a new entry in a list, and after so many years later when looking at the list triggered me to say, "ah, I once knew them?"

This makes me really, really sad. I would normally analyze my own feelings, in an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do but for this case, I rather not.
Why wouldn't I? Because the question is irrelevant.
How so?

Before that, I would like you to know that this list of acquaintances was created before I was smarter. Before I was wiser. No, not wise, but relatively wiser than before (or so I hope). Since then, I've tried my best not to make more acquaintances in the guise of "friends." I've subscribed to the principle that friends should be like books, few but good.

I've also raised the bar of my definition of "friends," to become "people who are willing to die for me." I suspect some would think that my demand is ridiculous, but I rather think of it as honouring those who already are. Why should I equate these precious people with you people, who are just merely people I somehow knew?

But I'll be honest with you. This definition of "friends" prevents me from knowing whether I have any. I cannot answer the question of "so, do you have any friends then," since it's not only a problem of being a wrong question, but also it is a problem of asking the wrong person. It is meant for people around me to evaluate whether they are my friends, or perhaps more accurately, whether they want to be one (or still be one). After all, you don't actually choose your friends; they decide whether they want to be one.

So, I hope with this, you understand why I find it irrelevant to analyze the reason I am sorrowful whenever I think of fading acquaintances. If you don't, don't bother. I assure you that your time will be better spent doing other things.

Tonight is the night when I shall mourn for those I've met, who ended up as being someone on my lists. And also for those who will eventually end up as just someone on my lists.

Oh, no. For those who consider themselves my friends, please do not rally to my side just to show me that I have some. To me, such "proof" is no proof. It is not for me to know who are my friends, but for you to know whether you are mine. Plus, I rather that you spend your time with someone else. That is what you should do if you think yourself as my friend. It'll be my honour if you would do so, even though I would have no knowledge of it.

I would not appreciate your effort, nor would I be able to. And I'm an introvert.

So, to those who I barely knew, or have become so, I wish you well.
I wish you well.