Friday, September 29, 2006


What is this sadness?
This little cry from within,
I recognise not.

You understand, Lord.
Only You do, and only You will.

Words cannot describe,
humanly comfort will not suffice.

There is a longing to just break down and cry,
There is a wanting to just shout out and scream.
For no reason,
or for a reason that was forcefully forgotten.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

It's buried deep within me.
Its existence, denied.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

Only You understand, Lord.
Only You suffice,
only You suffice.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Are the things said wrongly said,
Or they shouldn't have been said at all?

Why am I required to speak,
When my silence would do us good?

Why are honesty seeked,
If it hurts so well?

Why should we talk,
When there's nothing to be said,
Except for a pool of emotions,
Laying dormant, lying hidden;
Unconveyed, incommunicated?

Why do we force a chat,
And say all the wrong things?

Can we not speak with silence,
Can we not talk without words?

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Sleepless nights are to be expected,
Worries and anxieties, rejoices.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Why is it honestly spoken,
When it is bound to hurt?

Why do we even want to know,
When we understand the possibility of being hurt,
When we understand the possibility of being sad.

Will the regrets of not knowing,
Be harder to bear?

Curiosity kills the cat,
But to not know, regret.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

i miss...

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Kurindu mengatakan bahawa,
hanya Engkau yang 'kan kubawa,
s'panjang hidupku.

B'rapa lama kan ku tinggal begini,
tanganku ditegah dari mencapai,
Dan di sana Kau menanti,
dengan kegemilangan dan keagunganMu,
menanti saatku tiba,
menanti saatku pulang,
dari larianku.

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Dengan seluruh jiwa dan hayatku,
aku cinta padaMu,
Kan ku nyanyikan lagu indah untuk dengaranMu,
dan dari bibirku mazmur untukMu,
Kata kata manis yang menyatakan,
bahawa aku cinta padaMu.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Lord Lord,
Each day is something hard to live by,
Why why, should you ask,
It's because I had to deal much with people,
Your people.

Lord Lord,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
That in my prayers,
Even if I don't get what I want,
I can still trust You for the best,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
and not the people that think they're the one who should be.

Lord Lord,
Each day I call You Lord,
In my prayers while walking to campus,
Everytime before I taste my meal,
When I pray for my friends, and together,
But it's funny how,
The more I ask try to visualize You,
The more I realise that I know little of You,
When I thought I knew a lot.

Lord Lord,
Even though I can see that I know You not,
My hands, they are heavy to reach to Your words,
To the well-accepted Scriptures,
Even now, I don't really understand what they are,
Questions Lord, questions in my heart is building up,
About how You truly work,
Everything I've seem to already know,
You have crush it down,
To pieces Lord, to pieces.

Lord Lord,
How can I share of Your goodness,
If I know You not?
I know You are good,
but that's all there is that I know of.
Who are You, really?
Even when I say I do love You,
It's amazing that I know You not,
I know You not.

Lord Lord,
Why is it that my memories seem to be fading away,
My recollections aren't gathering together,
They are fleeing away.
My eyes are being blinded again,
Or is it that it's only now that I know I see clearly not?

Lord Lord,
I can talk to people about who You really are,
of the rightful doctrines of the orthodoxy Christianity,
And of the speculative beliefs of various denominations,
But why is it that I seem to know You not,
I seem to know You not?
My heart yearn to seek You out,
but my hands are weary,
To seek You out again,
my mind is weary,
Tired of the necessity of a repeated toil,
To get to know You again,
again Lord.

Lord Lord,
Has my mind been darkened,
By all the things that I have done,
That are not rightful in Your sight.
Or is this the reason You forbade me to ever touch it?
Knowing that the more I bathe in it,
The more chances I have,
To get my senses dulled,
My sights dimmed,
and my mind darkened?

Lord Lord,
I have vowed,
To never set my heart upon the beauty of a woman,
For as long as I am not worthy,
Not worthy of such a gift,
Not able of such a responsibility,
But for what have I said such things,
For what I have promised such an obscure thing?
And when the day comes that I understand no more,
Remind me Lord,
Remind me Lord.

Lord Lord,
Why do I feel so judged,
To know that no matter what I do,
There will always be a mistake,
A mistake Lord,
That might be as unforgiveable as it might be,
That might be a stumbling block,
That might be a blocking wall, Lord.
Is hard to live by,
With so many expectation, to and from.

Lord Lord,
Everyday is hard to live by,
With so many choices,
My eyes are blurred,
From knowing what is right,
From knowing what is true,
The heaviness of having to consult You in everything,
And even so, it might not be right afterall,
Do you speak with such certainty to me, still?
How should I know if it is You who whispers to me, Lord?
Even when I think You speak,
Even so, there might still be fault,
And these Lord, these will be judged.
I will be condemned, Lord.

Lord Lord,
Who am I to go to,
When the night is still,
When the day is quietened?
Let me not lean towards my friends and my foes,
Let me not seek to be fulfilled by their presence.

Lord Lord,
Don't send them always,
I do not wish to be fulfilled by their friendship,
Nor their companionship.
Because I'll forget of You Lord,
I'll get so comfortable I'll forget about You Lord.
Because I had once done so, and it was so.

Lord Lord,
Let my comfort be You,
The cover of my loneliness,
The cover of my helplessness,
The cover of my emptiness.
Don't send friends always Lord, don't send them always.
Let Holy Spirit be my comforter, let Him be.
Let Him satisfy my soul, that I thirst no more.
I wish not to be dependent,
To anyone else other than You,
other than You, Lord.

Lord Lord,
I know love enough not -
To speak when one is wrong.
I know love enough not -
To rebuke when one is strayed.
I know love enough not -
By being silent when I should speak.
I know love enough not -
By being supportive when I should not?
I know love enough not -
By not judging when I should?
Which way to go, what things to do.

Lord Lord,
Is love not judging all the time?
Is love being supportive in all things?
Is love not saying anything when something is thought to be wrong?
Is love fearful of being judged after speaking while being imperfect ourselves?
Am I loving by not pointing out mistakes?
Am I loving when defending when I know of the wrong?

Lord Lord,
Everyday is hard to live by,
In the eyes of the people,
The works of my hands is imperfect,
My history dug out to my shame,
The world is unforgiving,
It is cruel.
No matter how perfect I am Lord,
I will never be in their eyes.

Lord Lord,
Make me understand Lord,
That You wish me to live peaceably with all,
Not to please,
Not to please Lord.
Let Thy will be done,
Not mine,
Not theirs,
Not anyone else's, but Thy will be done.
Even when it goes against mine so hurtful and heartbreaking,
Even when it goes against theirs to bring about scornful looks and harsh remarks,
Let me learn to accept Thy will,
And let me trust Lord, let me trust in Thy will,
For Thee know it all,
Thee know it all.

Lord Lord,
Praises be to You,
of the greatness of Your will,
And the wonder of Your grace.
Your comfort falls like dew in the dark of the night,
Soft and slow.
Teach me to endure the heat of the day,
To wait upon Your comfort Lord,
And Your will,
For perfection is not in an instance, but is one with the essence of time.

Lord Lord,
Teach my heart,
That it'll be still in wait of You,
In complete trust of Your plans,
In full acceptance of Your will,
For even if it goes against mine,
I know that it's always made with me in mind,
With me in mind.

Sunday, September 10, 2006


I once heard a story about a lecturer asking his students to mark their own papers after giving them a written test. While marking, they wonder whether he'd be worried that they'll cheat. When they wanted to hand over the checked paper to him, he told them to keep it. The test wasn't for him to see how well they are doing, but was instead for they themselves to know it.

When we face trials, and have to decide whether to be obedient or to follow our own passion or desire, I'm pretty sure God already knows what we'll be doing. Then why are these trials still given to us, if He's already know how well we'll fare?

I, probably more than others, am one who hates to be tested of my sincerity and knowledge. Nothing annoys me more than when someone asks questions pretending not knowing just to see how much I know.

'When I say that I love You, are you doubting me?'
'Shouldn't You be trusting my words, the words of tears filled with promises and vows I made to You, instead of testing me to see whether they're worth as much as I said they are?'
'Don't You believe me when I said I would go to the lengths just for You?'

'Why do you put me in a situation where I have to choose between me and You?'

"No, I'm not allowing you to be in trials and tribulations so that I can see if you really meant what you said."
"Instead, I want you to see for yourself whether you really meant what you've said."
"I've already know what you'll do."
"These are for you to see for yourself if you really understands what you're saying, and understand it enough to do it."
"It's all for your sake, not Mine."

-Trial is not something God uses to measure your performance, but rather for you to see for yourself how much you really meant by what you've said.-

Thank You Lord for trials, for decisions to be made, for tribulations to go through, for freedom to choose, for freewill, and for Your forgiveness of our wrong choices.

Thank You.

Saturday, September 09, 2006


Have you ever felt anxiety from something uncertain, that it could stop you in your track, creating an illusion that you're occupied to the max?

And have you ever felt you can't waste even a few minutes to sit down, relax and to think the matter over because you can use those time to work, even when you don't really know what you're so busy about?

For now, I feel uncertain about certain matter, even though it's over it haunts me. Yet, I can easily rid myself of this worries by just spending a few minutes pondering about it, to analyze the situation, and to make a firm decision of what to do and what not to do.

But I don't. Why is it so, I can't really figure out. Prolly because I like being intoxicated in this kind of air, to worry to my patience's brim, to feel like I'm spending precious moments in something that is worth doing.

It makes me feel good and bad at the same time that it's extremely paradoxical.

And sometimes I do wonder about the decisions I make. Should I be firmer to say no, and be slower to say yes?

If I really think that I wouldn't be of much help, to be assigned to a task that's not my forte, should I really strongly voice out a 'no'?

Or to just follow through, that I might be able to help?

But if I were to be so, wouldn't I be sitting in a place of someone who would've been able to do much more?

Am I really trying to help, or just trying to satisfy my ego and my pride? But what is there to satisfy?

There are times when I do wonder about the decisions and stands that I make, what am I trying to prove by the things I do?

Is this really for You Lord, or is it for myself?

The decision to stand through with a person, to be a support pillar even when they're making a bad and wrong choice. Is that trust, is that faith, or is it self-gratification?

The decision to be against the norm of Your people, to be against structural and organizational churches, to be so rebellious in the eyes of others. Is this faith, or is it because I understand of Your freedom that You gave us by dying on the cross, or am I just stubborn?

The decision to be philosophical in most things, to seek the very core of an issue rather than just looking on the surface. Am I really seeking to understand, or am I just seeking to be different?

The decision to follow through my extreme views on the blood relations of a family, of racial and ethnic differences and political matters. Are these just a method to excuse myself from the society-made responsibilities?

The decision to remove myself from stepping in too deep in my circle of friends; to not be in any clique;
The decision to disallow any of my friends from getting too close to me. Is it because I fear of disappointments, or is it because I do not want to receive anyone's pity?

The decision to drown myself in works, my assignments, taking extra courses. Are these really taken for self-improvement, or are they just medium to withdraw from people, to not think about other matters in life?

Ah, all these questions are jumbling up.
I guess I really need a lone vacation soon. :)

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Grace-ful strength

Have you ever put a shirt in a bucket of water with other clothes, only to find out that it's colour-stained?
The kind that you can't think of other things to do with it other than to throw it away, to use it as a mat, or to totally bleach it.
And you've just wore it like, once?

Have you ever fell for no reason at all where you scrapped your right knee and left abdomen and left elbow and three fingers?
Where it could've been resulted in you breaking your new wrist-watch that you've just wore like, a few times?
Or worse even, crash your head unto the tar road and get an internal bleeding and brain damage?

Have you ever been so worried because you might be barred from final exam just because you were chose to be rebellious for a certain period of time and have exhausted your class-missing quota?

I couldn't hold back my tears just now when I went to collect my shirt and found out that most of the colour stain is gone.
I don't remember whether I asked God for this favour, I prolly did, but what's important here is I can't see why I deserve such grace.
Yes, it's a small matter, but I do not need to receive such undeserving favour in huge issues to know that my God is good.

Yes, this God that I threw away for sin, this God that I've insulted in my choices many, many times.

And my wounds are healing, and they are healing well.
I never thought I'd miss how nice it was to have a proper bathe, to be able to clean the toilet or the frying pan without worrying that your wounds would get infected.

If this little scar hurts, how painful was the stripes He beared on the day He was crucified?

I don't know whether I'll be barred from my final exam, but I know that there's always a price to be paid for disobedience.
I also know that the many instructions and commandments and advices He gave, not because He wanted to hold us slaves, or to make us enjoy life lesser; it was so that we can enjoy life to the fullest.

This I knew but I do not heed. Now it is time to be drowned in worries of the outcome.

But I do know that "all things work together for the good of those who love God, for those who are the called, according to their purposes."
I do not know whether I can say that I am a person who love God to have all things work together for me, but I also do know that "He knows the plans that He has for me, plans for good and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11.

And I pray that He enables me to be even more disciplined - for me to do the right things at the time they are hard to do.
I can easily take a shortcut solution to rid this worries from within me, but it's not rightful.

So, whatever comes, let me brave them in faith, and in hope, and in trust.

For now, I'll sing praises of hope and thanksgiving to Him, in my worries and my hope.

--Lord, won't You give me strength to make it through somehow;
I've never been more homesick than now. - MercyMe:Homesick--

Friday, September 01, 2006

in anticipation

I can cry a thousand tears,
for all the regrets I have in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I've let go of Your hand when I should've hold on tighter than ever.

I can kneel a thousand times,
for all the regrets I feel in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I turn away from Your presence when You wanted me to stay.

I can say a thousand sorry,
for all the regrets I hold in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I betrayed You when You only have me to be Your defense.

I can tell You that I love You, with tears in my eyes and soberness in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I spat at Your feet and insulted Your honour whenever the time comes for me to prove of the love I've said earlier.

I can tell You that I love You, with all sincerity I have, with every dignity I have,
but it'll never change the fact that I hurt You where it hurts the most, that I stepped on Your heart after breaking it into pieces.

While I've promised myself that I will never apologize for being who I am, I am sorrowful of doing things I will not to do, doing things I'm not supposed to do.

For every failure in every trial, for forgetting of who You are to me, for forgetting my love for You and Yours for me.

I yearn greatly for the day when I'll be able to be like who You are.
If I were to follow my heart, how I wish the day that I'll be perfected to be now, to be this very moment.

But for the very least that I know about You, I know that that this is never how it goes.

Thank You that Your love is not measured by how many tears I drop for You;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how worthy I am;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how faithful I am;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by what I do;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how good I am.

Thank You that Your love is as high as the heavens above, as deep as the ocean below.

Enable me to be stronger than this, better than this,
That my feet shall dance graceful steps that brings joy to Your heart,
That my voice shall sing sweet songs of praise to fill Your throne,
That I shall hear You say, "this is My friend; with him I am well pleased, for He is faithful and loving; he is My brother."

"Complement my piano playing, until the day when I'll be able to play it as good as You are; and when I have, I shall play for You beautiful pieces that will bring soothing melody to Your ears, and a smile to Your face."

I shall wait. In sorrow and in joy, in hatred and in love.