Saturday, January 28, 2006

the reason

People are kind to the people they love. I mean, exceptionally kind.

It's natural to be kind to those we love, but are we kind towards the one we love BECAUSE we love them, or SO THAT they love us?

Some people force kindness on people, the person that they love, and when the love goes unrequited, they're angry. They don't understand why the person cannot return their love when they've been so kind, so generous.

It's natural to hope that our feelings be felt, and returned by the one person we're fond of, but is it fair to force it unto them by pressuring them with the debt of generosity and kindness?

If the person is unable to return your feelings, do you stop, try to forget, and look for someone else who would be able to return your feelings?

Or is your heart bound to the same person, even when the person has no feelings towards you, got married, grows old with someone, who unfortunately is not you? Yes, such cases are rare, till it only seems to appear in fairy tales.

And is it insincere to be kind to a person, just because you're fond of them? Just because the person think that you're being kind because of friendship? Is it a betrayal to be kind for such reason? Somehow, it feels so.

Thus, it is especially important to test our own feelings. To see whether it is love, or actually lust. It is natural to want to have the person for yourself, but if it's love, the grabbing hands would open free to let go. And if it's lust, the grabbing hand would consume selfishly, never letting go, at least not until everything is consumed.

And do ask yourself, whether everything you're doing for the person is because of your likings of the person, or because you're forcing a debt of love unto them.

May God guide us all in this matter, even when He seems irrelevant, I assure you that He is capable.

Monday, January 23, 2006

can one love forever?

I've always wonder. Can one love forever?

People exchange vows during their marriage. 'Till death do us part.' Notice that it's not 'till we don't like each other anymore.'

Mutual likings. Boy and girl gets together. They became a couple.
One day, they break up.
The reason : I don't have any feelings for you anymore.

Mutual likings. Couple got married.
One day, they're divorced.
The reason : We don't have feelings for each other anymore.

As long as we're humans, this kind of love is bound to end one day. It is expected. If it's so expected, then why get married? Or are you trying to take the chance and see if the feeling might last forever? Why the vow taken then? Why are lies like "I'll love you forever," and "till death do us part" spoken then?

No, I am not promoting cohabitation. I am against it.

If we are to ever lose the feelings we once had for one another, why get together even? Is it for the temporary beauty? That we can look back and say that we have a memorable romance?

I’ve always had problem in accepting the fact that I ever so easily like someone, and also can ever so easily come to dislike the person I claimed to have deep feelings for.

Now, I’m not sure whether I can be in deep love with someone for the rest of my life anymore. There might be a chance I can, and it’ll be interesting to find that out, but instead of risking someone’s heart for such possibility, I rather not try.

I rather carry this feeling for the rest of my life, by myself, even if it’s meant to last forever.

And for those who are blessed with close relationship, or sanctified marriage, I wish that your feelings for your partner would indeed last forever. May you walk the rest of your life hand-in-hand with the one you love, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, with everlasting, genuine care and concern.

I’ll be cheering you on, and may God bless your lives abundantly, in all His love and glory. :)

*edited*February 26 2006*

Sunday, January 22, 2006


Today someone asked me, "I didn't see you in church today," as he always does every sunday whenever he sees me. Most of the time I just smiled. I've got no defense. Uh, and I'm currently back in my hometown, and I don't attend any church service here.
Now, before you accusing me of putting up a show of churching back in cyber, you better not. :P
He continue by telling me that if I don't attend church, I'll backslide. Was a bit shocked of being shot like that. Anyway, I do agree with what he said, but that agreement differs in some ways.
Basically there are three reasons I go to church.
First, the fellowship. I believe that christians cannot live alone, because without that constant encouragement, directly or indirectly from other christians, one day, you'll bound to wonder the reason you're christian, even to the point where you don't really care about your faith anymore.
Secondly, for the sermon. Yea, I kinda fancy preaches. Not like it's there ORIGINALLY, but it's a good way to get pointers, apart from bible studies and sharing.
Thirdly, ah, I don't really remember.
Anyway, since there's only mandarin and iban speaking church around here, it's kinda hard for me to present myself among the local brethrens. I already find it hard to fellowship with people, and I do not understand the sermon well. Blame it on the language barrier. Don't tell me that if I faithfully go, God will somehow make me understand it all. I don't live my faith like that.
I wouldn't mind attending an english or malay speaking church if there's one here. Sadly, there's none. Except for a nearby town, which is quite far. :(

But I do wonder, what has a church become? People view sunday church service as THE ONLY day to worship God. If you don't worship Him that day, at church, you're gonna backslide. WTH?
For me, after a little study on early churches, I've come to see sunday church service as the time we worship God WITH our christian brethrens. We worship God EVERYDAY, we worship God on sunday WITH other christians. The main point is to keep yourself in contact with other christians.
The problem is many people see sunday as the only day we worship God, and the rest of the weekdays we can live our lives as though He never existed. Our whole life is a worship unto God, church, is for fellowship. Godly fellowship.
Though I say all these, I disagree with people who says that 'I don't go to church because I don't feel comfortable there. I still worship God at home on sundays. And I still go to church whenever I'm back at my hometown.' Hey, you don't only worship God at home on sundays, you're suppose to worship Him like that everday! And hey, if not because of the language barrier, I find no other reason for myself not to go to church at my hometown. Plus, it's not like I'm really comfortable at my church, I still go because I know it's important.
Even if you go churching back in your hometown, and don't do that while you're studying in another region, because you don't feel comfortable, what if when you graduated, and you're to work somewhere else? So, will you not be going to church forever?

I think I'll stop here, and review this post later. Not used to home computer and this post is getting a wee bit too long. Till then.

God bless.

Monday, January 16, 2006

undying Grace

If one were to ask for a reason of why my trust is placed on Jesus Christ, my answer would be because He saved me.

No, I'm not referring to eternal damnation and sins and things like that. But of course, I'm blessed that by His sacrifice on the cross, I was invited to be with Him in heaven, instead of hell. For as long as I can remember, my life has been for nothing. Working, toiling, studying, striving. But I never sit down just to think of the reason I'm doing all those.

All your life you strive to be the best. All your life you're called one of the best. But coming out into the world, you found out that it's not so. There are tonnes of things you're incapable of, and you realise how incompetent you actually are.
And at this kind of time, He came and draw u out, cleanse you, feed you, and give you a reason to live. I needed not look anymore. He draw me out of the pit, and give me life, when He's not obliged to do so. It was His grace, and while undeserving, I gladly accept it.

Indeed, I consider myself more blessed than most, because of the ways He's working in my life. Little little prayer, of great impossibility, was answered, in His own wonderful ways, even when He didn't really need to.

The reason to this post, is because a while ago, while playing a game, an error occured. And despite my efforts to turn my computer on again, it was to no avail. Somehow, a file got corrupted. I can't even boot my computer up using the setup CD, and worse yet, even my boot up CD doesn't work! It was indeed dishearting, because while I can probably fix it, it'll require a great deal of my time and effort, and it would be seriously, very troublesome.

I left it a while, tired and I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Because I was kinda down with a lost, and this kind of thing just have to add to my misery. After playing few games to escape from the real world, I walk back to my computer. I said to Him, "I don't know how you're gonna repair this error, because I can't even boot it up using my trusty CD. But anyway, please help."
I turn it on, and somehow, the error didn't appear anymore. Still, my computer is not very stable and restarts every now and then, but the main thing is now I can access it and backup whatever that is necessary.

From the time when the computer can actually be accessed, tears nearly rolled down my cheek, most probably because of my varying-emotion-disorder, but also because of the feeling of unworthiness. He didn't really need to help me with anything, but He did anyway, and I gladly accept it. You might say it's just coincidence and stuff, but like I've mentioned previously, because I've prayed, and He grants, I would not just dismiss it and categorize it as coincidence.

And I kinda feel that this is His way to ask me to stop despairing over that lost, and to stop self-pitying. I still have Him, and this will never change. If it's in His plan for me to be with certain someone, He'll bring it to completion, HIS OWN WAY. If not, well, I'll just have to wait and see what's instore for me, and stop feeling sad for myself.

I don't know whether this is His intention, but at least it was a good wake up call. I'll try to look forward, and walk as I should, while trying my best to maintain this trust in Him. I can't possibly know what the future will be, but with a God like Him, I can stop fearing for the worst, and start getting excited.

Thank You for bringing me to the place where I now sit. When I look back, it was indeed a long, and very impossible path. But I'm here anyway. And because I'm here, I can indeed expect even more wonderful things from You, be it bad or good in my sight, because I know that all things work together for the good of those who love You, for the called, according to Your purposes.

Now I can sleep at ease, being reminded of Your eternal company, that I am not alone, be it in my sadness, or my happiness. :)

God bless.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

the wrong side

I finally watched The Chronicles of Narnia : The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. *grin*
It was a good movie. It's very interesting how these people put what they read to something that people can watch.

There are some disappointments though, like how the "bow that wouldn't miss if you put your trust in it" was used twice, and the knife that was only thrown once. There are other issues hanging, but all in all, it was nice.

It was all fine until the end of the movie approaches. The moment the lion give the witch the final death blow, he didn't look like the good guy anymore. He seems more like the evil one.

That made me wonder.
How will it be if you're in a war, on the side of the group that seems to be the good guy, only to found out later that you're actually on the wrong side. Worse yet, you're the cause of the victory of this seemingly-good bad guys.

You've destroyed all hopes, assisted injustice, and scarred the life of so many innocent people, just because of a mis-judgment.

In this life there's so many wars going on. Be it spiritual or non-spiritual. And everybody thinks they're on the correct side. Who shall we side? What if we take a side and we're the decisive factor, but at the end, you found out that you're on the wrong side of the river.

Or do we remain neutral? Is that the best answer? Probably, but also probably not. Seems like in such helplessness, the only Judge we can turn to is God, hoping that He'll open our eyes to see what is true. Or we may even be a third group, the peacemakers. But that would probably be the worst side among the three, in terms of the responsibility and work.

Standing in the midst of so many wars, hopefully, we'd be able to make the correct decision with His help.

May we not stand in regret at the sight of the aftermath, may we not cry and be unable to do anything, anymore. Even if there's regret, may it not be too late.