Thursday, September 22, 2005

self reminder

This post if a reminder for myself for the near future.

Today, as I look upon my own laziness, and undedicated heart, both unto God and my studies, there'll be no way that I'm going to have a good result this semester. This is the worst semester ever, where I seldom touch my notes, where I totally don't understand what most of my subjects are about. My coursework marks are low, lowest ever. I perceive that even passing is hard.

Yet, I'll cast all unto God, dedicating this few weeks unto Him. If I'm carried through, let this post be a reminder that all the wonderful things happen not because I'm smart enough, but my God is merciful. I pray that my following post will be about thanking Him of His goodness, of His wonders. I pray that my next post will be a strong declaration of my faith in Him. I pray that my next post will be a blessing for those who read it.

If you're reading this, please pray for me. A short one will do. I thank God for everything that I have, even this little breath that is in me. I'm worried, and lazy, but God, take my worries, and give me a diligent heart.

For He is good, His love endures forever.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

waiting, with all i am

What happens when you thought you're comfortably conversing with God daily,
you actually found out that He has stopped speaking to you.

What happens when you wanted to get back to bible-devotioned life before your period of busyness,
you found out that, to your horror, your passion for the Word has dreadfully disappeared.

What happens when you thought you have the fruit of the Holy Spirit,
you found out that everything in your sinful nature struggling to break loose?

What happens when you thought that you're very caring, very loving, very benevolent,
you found out that you're actually very selfish, has bad-intention filled thoughts, unconcerned with anybody's life and problems but yours?

What happens when you need to talk to somebody,
but aren't willing to say anything?

What happens when you wanted to seek God back,
but your repentance and passion seems so fake?

What happens when your life seems so good,
but it's actually crumbling apart?

Do you flee?
From your badly-trampled life?

Do you run?
From the devil's attack that seemed to be successfully executed on you?

Do you seek?
God when He seems to be so distant, so deaf to the pleas, so disgusted with the pretense you put on?

I wish I am sorry.
I wish I am repentant,
I wish I don't feel the way I do.

But why am I not?

Will I allow my life to be trampled upon by satan?
Will God allow my life to just slip away, wasted, and ruined?

I need You today.

If it were few weeks back, even if I don't sense Your presence, I know You're here.
But today, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not so sure of anything anymore.

Despite the smiling face I put up every now and then,
My heart is crumbling apart, my spiritman is dying,
I might go and waste my life again,
Away from God.

And I'm scared of that.
I don't want to see that happen.

So help me God.
I'm waiting,
With all I am.

Sunday, September 11, 2005



If we human feel lonely and abandoned when people don't bother about us.

I wonder how God felt throughout the centuries.
Even about His redeemed people.