Monday, July 28, 2008

why still?

Why am I still stubbornly holding on to this, seeing that I've already given up such a life?

Is it to show to people that it is possible to love forever?
Even if I can, they'll come up with excuses of why they can't anyway.

Why am I pitting myself against this thing anyway? My heart, it's scarring; It's worse than the scratches on my ring.

I am on my own on this one.

Thursday, July 03, 2008


There are many things that I've done, even if it's wrong in the eyes of others, are products of much contemplation.

Sure, I'm just 24 going 25, a young brat who knows little of this world. I know plans do not always work out, I know sometimes people step on their principles when they're cornered just to get away.

Heck, I've never had any plans that was perfectly executed. Most of them ended in shambles.

Many of my principles are laid out based on past experiences. Sure, there are things that will be obsolete, which is why I would test out my principles once in a while, to see whether they're still relevant. And I have to say, the younger me who laid out those principles always appears to be wiser than who I am now.

There are many things that I knew I was going to regret, but which I believe is necessary, that I do. Well, regret isn't exactly the most accurate term; disappointed is.

For some of them, I'm glad I did, because I see the results. They often reaffirm what I believe. And for most of them, as expected, I went through disappointments.

I foresaw the ending, but kept with the plan, because I hope things will be different from what I thought it would be. Contrary to popular belief, I get more disappointments and tears not from going with my principles, but against them.

And this time again, I did it. I knew I was going to feel disappointed; I just didn't know that it's this much.

respect & tolerance

What is respect?
What is tolerance?

Are they one and the same, or are they different entities?

Was discussing this with a friend. We didn't really went to define what they are, but rather to assume that they're not the same, but are two different things altogether.

For now, this is our conclusion, that respect must imply tolerance, but tolerance does not necessarily imply respect.

Well, it's not what I think anyway, but this is the one we agreed upon.

What do you think?


Humans prefer to go for things that they know well, or things they think they know well.

Well, mysterious things have their charms, but over time, people would tend to feel frustrated. They feel frustrated that despite the effort invested in understanding, they can't.

People who are different from others would initially spark some interest. But as time goes by, if that illusion of understanding is unable to be conjured, they would walk away.

It's easier to talk to people, befriend those who you can understand, or think you will eventually understand, or at least have an illusion that you will understand them one day.

Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually walk away one day.
Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually place all your frustrations of being unable to understand me on me.
Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually blame me when you are unable to grasp my mind.

People change. I'm the kind that changes drastically. Or perhaps, I'm never one to let anyone live in the illusion that they have finally understood me. Perhaps, I frustrate people with my honesty.

It's not hard to know me. It's only hard if you're trying to understand me by looking at the wrong side of me. If you would know my Lord, you would know me. If you would know my Lord, you would understand why I'm so different.

I've once lost my all, and now He's my everything.

I'm not saying that all Christians should be like this; I'm saying I'm this kind of Christian.

I'm sorry that I'm unable to live to your expectations, nor will I allow myself to do so.
I'm sorry that I'm unable to let you think you've understood me fully, that would be dishonest.
I'm sorry that I'm unable to make things easier for you, but did you come to me thinking it'll be easy?

Are you frustrated at me because of who I am, or are you frustrated at me because every time you think you've grasped my mind, I would proceed to destroy that illusion?