vacation

Have you ever felt anxiety from something uncertain, that it could stop you in your track, creating an illusion that you're occupied to the max?

And have you ever felt you can't waste even a few minutes to sit down, relax and to think the matter over because you can use those time to work, even when you don't really know what you're so busy about?

For now, I feel uncertain about certain matter, even though it's over it haunts me. Yet, I can easily rid myself of this worries by just spending a few minutes pondering about it, to analyze the situation, and to make a firm decision of what to do and what not to do.

But I don't. Why is it so, I can't really figure out. Prolly because I like being intoxicated in this kind of air, to worry to my patience's brim, to feel like I'm spending precious moments in something that is worth doing.

It makes me feel good and bad at the same time that it's extremely paradoxical.

And sometimes I do wonder about the decisions I make. Should I be firmer to say no, and be slower to say yes?

If I really think that I wouldn't be of much help, to be assigned to a task that's not my forte, should I really strongly voice out a 'no'?

Or to just follow through, that I might be able to help?

But if I were to be so, wouldn't I be sitting in a place of someone who would've been able to do much more?

Am I really trying to help, or just trying to satisfy my ego and my pride? But what is there to satisfy?

There are times when I do wonder about the decisions and stands that I make, what am I trying to prove by the things I do?

Is this really for You Lord, or is it for myself?

The decision to stand through with a person, to be a support pillar even when they're making a bad and wrong choice. Is that trust, is that faith, or is it self-gratification?

The decision to be against the norm of Your people, to be against structural and organizational churches, to be so rebellious in the eyes of others. Is this faith, or is it because I understand of Your freedom that You gave us by dying on the cross, or am I just stubborn?

The decision to be philosophical in most things, to seek the very core of an issue rather than just looking on the surface. Am I really seeking to understand, or am I just seeking to be different?

The decision to follow through my extreme views on the blood relations of a family, of racial and ethnic differences and political matters. Are these just a method to excuse myself from the society-made responsibilities?

The decision to remove myself from stepping in too deep in my circle of friends; to not be in any clique;
The decision to disallow any of my friends from getting too close to me. Is it because I fear of disappointments, or is it because I do not want to receive anyone's pity?

The decision to drown myself in works, my assignments, taking extra courses. Are these really taken for self-improvement, or are they just medium to withdraw from people, to not think about other matters in life?

Ah, all these questions are jumbling up.
I guess I really need a lone vacation soon. :)