heaven

Heaven.

What goes on your mind whenever the word is mentioned?
What do you think heaven really is?

A place where good people go?
A place where people who've done many good things settle in and enjoy for the rest of eternity?

That's the common understanding of heaven among the people, but I never quite figure out the reason why they'd think that way.

Has anyone ever went to heaven and came back to say what heaven really is?
Even if there is, how can they know the reason to the existence of that place?

If not, why would they have a concept that people who do good things or people who are good gets rewarded by being able to live off their eternity in a place that's without suffering, a place of eternal goodness?
And why would they even think that there's something more after death?

But by looking into the Bible, it seems to be implied that heaven is a place where people who wants to be with God for the rest of eternity settles. It's a *place* where people who adore God be able to have fellowship and communion with Him.

When christian says only those who believe in God will go to heaven, they're not implying that the rest of the people are bad people, that they don't deserve to enjoy "goodness" after death.
If heaven is a place where God has made for people who wants to be with Him to be in, why should anyone who scorns at the thought of being with God be placed together with God? It goes against his wish to be treated so right?

I believe it is important for christian to really believe that at the end of their days, they're really going to be in heaven, to be with God for the rest of eternity.

If you're a christian and does not have such assurance, is it because you lack the understanding of the basis to your salvation?
If you think you're undeserving, that you're not good enough, it's not an issue at all. There is no one that's good enough to be with God no matter how many "good" things we try to do. Our merits, they're like dirty rags in His sight, we always do fall short.

But we do not attain the right to be with Him by our own righteousness, by being good enough, but instead, we are made able to be with Him because of His righteousness, because He's good enough.

To believe that we're forgiven of our sinful nature and sinful doings, the moment we accept the fact that He came and died for our sins instead;
To come before Him and say that you truly wanted to remain close to Him, to be with Him for the rest of your life, and beyond.
To know that all the good things that we're doing is just because it delights the heart of our God, and not as a ticket to the eternal "goodness".

Yeah, truly, we yearn to be with Him soon in a tireless body that has an unending passion and love.
But it's not so bad to just stick around on the ground a little bit more, to take pleasure in a deteriorating body that goes weary once in a while; to take pleasure in humanly friendship and fellowship; to be happy with humanly love and company; to be in wonder and awe at His undying faithfulness and "last minute life-saving blessings". :)

So, till we've fulfilled what we're purposed to do, we will not by any means fall away, but to continue our days. But whether it's here or *there*, it doesn't matter that much, because our God is closer to our heart and soul than we think He is. He's always, always a prayer away.

So, heaven?
It can be pretty much where we're standing right now.
It can be pretty much the life we're having right now.
It is just the distance between us and the God we so adore.

trust

Trust. It's something that comes together with our personal expectation.

At the very time we choose to trust, we're supposed to embrace the fact that there is a possibility to disappointment, and sometimes more than once.

So, what do we do when we're faced with such thing?

A dear friend choose to continue trusting.

Well, for me, I choose to walk away most of the time. Why? Is it because I do not understand the consequences in placing a trust in someone who's neither myself nor God?
Rather, it's because when I trust, I place high expectation on the person.

I know I shouldn't, but whenever I categorize a person as my good friend, I can't help it but have high expectation of the person, but at the same time, I am ignorant of other people's expectation of me.

I believe I can live alone, and just socialize once in a while, develop light friendship with people, and nothing deeper. I've years of experience of going solo anyway.

Yes, I'm emo, but as one introverted comrade-in-arms once said, we're emo, but we're not suicidal. So, I'm not fine, but I'm ok. No need for worries, k? ;)

anti-socialism

Ever wonder why is it that only recently I seemed to be around while all this while I'm here?

I've been hiding myself. In the shadows.

I do not hate large groupings of people, nor do I actually wanted to avoid them.
I don't join crowds not because I'm anti-social, but rather to prevent being labeled an anti-social.

I like being with people.
To see what they do, to listen to what they say, to observe every action and gesture;
To see infectious smile being transferred from faces to faces;
To see frowns and disagreements in little discussions;
To see exaggeration shown by every expression of the face and wave of the hands.

Even if I'm not interested to listen I can just be lost in my thoughts, but pity, that in this reality, this ideal of mine cannot exist.

Instead of explaining repeatedly my preference of communication and the limitations conceived by my personality, I rather just keep away.

I might just as well slip into the shadows again like how I've always been before, instead of having to face constant discomfort.

But still, the final say belongs to my God, as always. If this discomfort is meant for my good, I shall endure. Who am I to argue when this heavenly Father REALLY knows what's best for me.

For the moment, I'll just try to not be too noticeable. :)

complexity

Hurm...

What should be done when a single parent falls in love with another single parent, and it so happens what their kids fell in love with each other?

Sould the love of the parents be sacrificed for the sake of their children's, or the other way around?surely, the kids can never be in love together if their parents are married to one another eh?

You think?

worth

How much do we actually value the people we claimed to be our loved ones?

Many times I think, and say that I love them much more than anything, but when the time comes to prove how much they're actually worth to me, I fail in my actions and my deeds.

How regrettably hypocritical.

It's not about the time spent with them when we're free, it's how much time we can spare for them when we're occupied;
It's not about being patient with them when everything's well, it's about being patient with them when everything's chaotic and unwell;
It's not about how deep our feelings are for them while it is, it's about how we stay true to the decision to love them even when we don't remember why anymore.

It's about soaring above trials and temptations, keeping our oath close not letting go, even when all our sense of reasoning is temporarily no more.

It's about still being polite and gentle when circumstances forces you to scream and shout at the top of your lungs, lashing out at them.

It's about saying no when situation's forcing you to say yes, and saying yes when it's forcing you to say no.

It's about remembering how much our God is worth, even when we can hardly do.

Run if you must, hide if you should.

Many times I should've fallen unto my knees and pray, but I seldom do.
Many times I should've just sleep and wake up afresh, but I did not.
Many times I should've run, but I stayed in it's deadly stench.

Why do I run whenever I'm required to stay; Why do I stay when I should just run away and not looking back?

I'm sick of this, I'm sick of this loop.

I wanna break out of it, if God wills.
If He wills I be strong and enduring.
If He wills me to be free... Heck, I'm sure He does.

Most of the time, we are provided the strength and will to do so. We simply chose not to. Sometimes, options are non-existant. But most of the time, it's really just a matter of choice. Still, it doesn't mean it's all easy decisions.

May I be able to stay true to my words, to show the people that I love that they're really worth as much as I say they are.
To prove to my God that I really do, everytime I say I wanna love Him like how He has loved me.

I'm sorry Lord that You have to die for my sins just because I am not even worthy to redeem myself, but thank You, thank You.
For still loving us when many times we fall;
For giving us the will and strength to change;
For loving us more than we can ever love ourselves;
For making our little lives worth much,
as much as Your dripping blood,
as much as Your battered body.

We're finally worth something, because You're alive.

unfamiliarity

Have you ever felt like the more you get to know someone, the more you feel like you don't know them?

A strange feeling of unfamiliarity.

It's something more than just knowing a new part about the person, that you've never seen before. It's not about a sudden wanting to be impulsive.

It's more like all of a sudden, you feel like you don't know the person at all.
It's like all of a sudden, you've come to a realisation that the person's from a different world.
And it feel like everything you've come to learn about the person is either just the tip of the iceberg, or is totally incorrect at all.

It's like all the effort you've poured in to know the person is nothing. It's like all the time and energy used has return void. All those for just little? It's discouraging at times. It does.

It's like when you've a work to finish, and it's at 90%. But later, you found out that the 90% is actually just 10%, and you have to re-construct your mindset and your resolution. That's a weird example, but it's a close description of what I meant.

Makes you feel like you just wanna stop there, and start idling.

Well, if that happens, perhaps it's ok to just do that. Maybe after a while, you'll have enough rest to start again.

And no, it's not the person's fault for the sudden sense of unfamiliarity we feel. Perhaps it's our ego, thinking that we've already known a lot about the person. No matter how simple a person is, it'll take a lifetime to truly understand and know them.

And often, it's our own expectation and assumption of people that leads to our disappointments, and not the person themselves.

I wonder if I ever made anyone feel like that. Hmm... Maybe, since I have a lot of complexes, and many different sides. :P

No one will truly understand me anyway, or perhaps it's me who doesn't want people to.

I have a lack of faith in humanity. Sorry XD

celibacy

*A long awaited post for some, eh? Huhuhu~ ;)*

Loneliness. Yet another essence that draws people closer to God. No matter how many friends and loved ones you have, there are times when you just feel like no matter how much you explain, no one will truly understands how you feel, or how you think.

To have so many people around you, but to not have a least one like mind is hurtful, especially when we're heartbroken and disappointed.

And somehow, this flaw in the relationship of humans becomes one of the reason people find comfort in God. It's somehow relieving, and comforting to know that God understands how you feel and what you're going through, even when the whole world is unable to comprehend.

Some people find it weird that a love relationship between two christians can somehow actually lead them away from the God that brings them together.
Weird, isn't it? It doesn't seem very logical, but at times, it happens. Why?

As I said before, one of the reason humans are drawn to God is because of the feeling of loneliness. By being blessed with a partner, sometimes, people tend to think that finally, there's a person that would understand them, cherishing them for who they are.

It might be true, it might not be, but either way, this is one of the reason why people have come to forsaken their True Love.

By believing that there's actually a person who understands them, they decide that that person alone is enough. They do not need God as a comfort to their loneliness anymore.

How wrong can we be? No matter how much a person wants to understand you, they can never totally understand you. At the end of the day, it's God who understand you the most, more than you can ever do yourself.

That's why relationships can be dangerous at times, but I'm not discouraging it. It is good, of course, but no matter how dedicated you are to God, there is always a possibility of falling into this tragedy. Take each steps with care, and never ever let God out of your sight in building your relationships.

No offense, but sometimes, it's really amusing that some of my friends actually wanted to convince me that having a life partner is the only way to life.

And at times, some even seem to indicate that if I'm not out there doing God's work, I have no excuse to celibate. It's as if doing christian missionary works is the only reason to celibate.

My dear friends, if that's what you think, then may I ask you whether God is the reason to you having a girlfriend/boyfriend right now? If you would boldly give me a "yes", then I would kindly request you to really re-think again, and answer me truthfully.

If the reason of getting into a relationship can be not because of God, then why can't the reason to celibate be so too?

Are we so drowned by the love novels and love stories created through generations, that we've come to think that it is the only way to life?

People say that it's a gift to be able to celibate, but I say it takes more courage and faith to go into a relationship.

To be committed to a person, to be a motivator and supporter no matter what, to accept various weaknesses of the partner, and to brave the unpredictable possibilities of future.

To balance out work and family, to raise kids who would follow after God's way and not fall astray, to deal wisely with conflicts and troubles to come, to have unwavering devotion to God and unending love for your partner.

Someone once asked me, whether I really wanna celibate.

Hmm... It's not like I really wanna celibate, but rather, for now, a decision to celibate would make my life a lot easier. It serves as an easy way out for me, from my current condition, because of a certain someone.

So, truthfully, I am not in any way promoting or encouraging celibacy, but let him/her who can and wanna live with it, do so. (1 Corinthians 7:25-40)

To have a lonely heart going about,
With no one able to fill it full,
Only One will do,
Only One can do,
Our lonesomeness taken away,
And we are comforted;
In God, we are comforted.

So, whichever way you go, remember we have a loneliness that only God understands, that neither the world nor our loved ones can ever comprehend.

If you're in a relationship, I wish you all the best, and may you continue to draw close to God no matter what. And if you're into celibacy, I also wish you all the best, and may you continue to walk your life in close intimacy with Him.

God bless.

*Well, not like what you've expected, eh? :P*

unwittingly

What can one human do? How can one tiny and small human do? Pushing aside everything, living for their own desires and dreams.

It's not wrong, is it? To live like you wanted, as long as you're not hurting anyone.

It's not wrong, is it? To live, not knowing God, and the plans that He had for us.

It's not wrong, is it? It's not wrong, right?

Still, it undeniable that doesn't matter whether you acknowledge the existence of God, since you're His creation, He'll still bless you and bring you through troubles, like He would anyone.

But to know and acknowledge that He exists, brings our view of life to a whole different level.

To know the purpose of your own existance, and having something true to actually live for everyday;
To hold on to life no matter what, trusting in the grace of God;
To be comforted when our whole day or dream crumbles into little pieces;
To know that even though we're poor, we'll have enough;
Trusting that there'll be a day when our tears will be wiped off, and never drops again.

No matter how insignificant we think we are, we have our own important role to play in God's plan of life.

Sure, we can reject that, and another person can come and take it over, but why should it go that way, right?

Remember the prehistoric squirrel from Ice Age 1? From the start till the end, he was only a "filler" character, so out-of-place, going around by itself, in constant pursuit of his beloved nut. Bearing little significance, and have no importance at all, only to bring extra laughter to the audience.

And in Ice Age 2, it seems like his role never change, and it seems like it'll stay like that till the end of the show.

Somehow, it seems like the squirrel turns out to be the saviour of the rest of the other prehistoric animals in the area, but unwittingly to itself, unknown to the rest.

How's that? The only thing on the squirrel's mind was just to secure it's nut. And for the rest of the animals, they'd probably never know what happened.

Is such thing a beauty, or a tragedy? Everything you do, no matter how important it is to your circle of influence, would probably never be made known to you, and the rest of the people would probably never know. But surely, at least one Person would know. ;)

Yes, it is just a story, and would probably wouldn't be the same in reality. But such things are never known, so I choose to believe in such unknown beauty.

There are many things that we do in hopes of seeing the results, be it helping a friend, chasing after our dreams, praying for the salvation of a loved one. And sometimes, we don't see things happening. We get discouraged and heartbroken.

But we probably never do know, that while we couldn't manage to help our friend, even putting in effort would probably meant a lot.
And we probably never do know, that while chasing after our dreams, how much courage and encouragement we pour out to other people, strengthening them in their life.
And we probably never do know, that one day, the person we've been praying for would one day come to know and accept God as their personal saviour.

There are many things we do without knowing the consequences. There are many things we've failed to complete, without knowing the success the failure itself brought.

We never will know how large our circle of influence are, how huge the ripple from our every doings are.

So today, bring a smile to your face, and comfort to your heart, believing that no matter what happens, or how you've failed, God will use it as an important piece to the completion of His wonderful plan.

Pieces of picture puzzle never do make sense, with it's imperfect jagged sides. But until it is all placed together, only a perfect, breathtaking picture would be brought to view.

Take comfort in knowing that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Now I do not mean to say that you can go and do whatever you like and it will still bring about good things.

Whatever you do, do it heartily like unto God and not unto men. Avoid evil and strive to do good, for God and not for men.

And when you've put your all, but you still couldn't manage, it's ok.
And when you've tried to care, but feel like stopping, it's ok to stop and rest a bit.
And when you've tried to love, but want to stop loving, it's ok to run a while and cry a little.

Take comfort knowing that nothing you do will ever be in vain, even if you'd probably never see anything good from it. Seek His will, seek His blessings, seek His anointing. You'd probably not hear anything, but still, after you've done all that you're suppose to, commit it to God and let go. You may not be able to make full use of what you've done, but I believe He can. :)

So today, cheer up, believing that your good works are not in vain, even when you might not see the fruits of it. Persevere in what is right, continuously running after the only Truth in life.

May the works of our hands not be in vain, that He'll use it for His amazing plans; May His comfort comes when we are weary, to lift our spirits and our souls; May His presence be made known to us, that we can call ourselves blessed; May He open our eyes to His way, that we will not walk astray; May His hand guide us when it's dark, that even when we fumble, we are not lost.

And remember that though failure is not without end, it's ok to cry a little. :)

May God bless you this day.

ee

It's been a busy semester.

Two weeks ago, it was mostly about Easter Event.

But if you were to ask me about the outcome, what I think about the event, I couldn't give you any comments relating to how it was in the eyes of those who came to watch.
I'm more concerned with the effect of such events on the lives of those who participated, those who have helped out.

Yeah, the reason I joined wasn't very "godly"; God wasn't the ultimate reason I helped out.

So why did I help out, putting so much more than the years before? Was it because I'm a CGL this academic year, or because I just wanted some recognition?

Nope. That never even crossed my mind. I think.

The reason I helped out in such even is the same as why I joined the CF in campus. Being a lower than average christian, I can't think much of how to impact and bless the university I'm studying in.
I can't even help people in their studies, as I'm barely surviving on my own, being an average undergraduate.
The only thing I can do to bless this university is to help out in whatever thing the dedicated and active christians around are doing.

The second reason would be because of my juniors. I can't stand the fact that too few people are doing too much. I cannot keep an eye blind whenever I see them putting so much of their time into works that should've been done by the lot.

I'm not blaming the majority of the people for not helping out more. I would have remained the same if it's not because God decided to show me all these.

I previously would tend to not help out because I thought that even if I don't go, since the CF is so big, there'll be a lot of people who'll go. It was during the CF's apple giving session that I'm shown that it's never so.

It's the minority who does the work of the majority. And I don't like that. I don't like how my juniors are being drained of their strength and time like this. I do not like to see my friends doing most of the works, getting discouraged at times, while the rest of the people are hanging out or sleeping their day off.

That was when I made a vow, that I won't stand and watch. Whenever I can, whatever it is, I wanted to be a person who'll lighten up their burden. This is not the kind of christian life they're suppose to live. Their precious time and strength and life should not be robbed by the majority of passive christians around.

Back to the Easter Event. Yeah, being involved in such a hectic and busy thing would either lift someone's faith up, or pull it down.

With few hours of sleep, and spending the whole daytime in the campus helping out, that's not my daily dose of life. Yea, for some of you, it might even be your routine, but it's definitely not mine. And going like that for few days, it has taken it's toll on my body, and personality. I entered my don't-care-about-what-others-think berserk mode, but it didn't last long. I had to turn back to normal in order to not hurt the ones I cared about. Hmm...

And I've seen some of my friends in the same condition as mine, they went totally haywire with the lack of sleep, some probably don't even have any, and the hectic schedule. Well, it'll probably be better if that's all, but when you're dealing with people, it can go very bad.

Many hurtful things were said and done, relationships and friendships aren't gonna be the same anymore. But whether it'll go bad or good, depends on how we walk our days together.

But it's just refreshing when everything's done, when at the end of the day, we can look at each other and say, 'it is done.'

There will be a lot of things that can be learned and benefitted from this kind of thing. It's just a matter of whether we will spend our time to reflect and rethink. Will we just treat it as a passing wind, or a breeze that can refresh our faith, and lift us to higher heights.

No matter what, I hope that it is in His plan to bless us through this event, to bless everyone who's involved, and participated, even when we just wanted to bless other people.

May God be the strength of our hearts.

much more faithful

Awaiting joy.
Let it fill my heart with bliss.

Why are you so much faithful than I am?

I've said many times that I'm grateful.
I've said many times that I'm thankful.
And I've said many times that I love You because of that.

Are those just mere words?
Spoken with no worth whatsoever?

Why is it that this heart is so easy to get discouraged?
Why do I look at the few mistakes and rejection,
overlooking the few thousands blessings and acceptance?

Why is it so easy for me to run away from You when things don't go my way?
Will I ever stay true to my words?
To stick by You no matter what?
I know I shouldn't live by my feelings,
but what do I do when I can't remember why?
What do I do when I don't feel like caring anymore,
or I can't remember why I even cared to care.

I hate myself for being weak.
Shouldn't I be strong?
Or at least run towards you when I fall,
instead of running away.

I hate myself for thinking too much.
To have pride in my own capabilities.
To pride myself in the things You've given me.

I hate myself for caring too much.
When at the end of the day, I'm sure to get hurt.
I know it'll happen, You've prepared me for it.
But when it happens, it just... hurts.

I hate myself for loving this much.
When I don't even know why I even loved in the first place.
I don't know where You are in this relationship.
I don't know where to place You.
I don't know what to do.

I said that You're the very reason that I lived.
I fear that it might not be so anymore.

I need Your insights Lord.
I'm asking for clarification,
and what I get is more, and more questions.

Does the answer lies in letting go?
Of all that I love?
Of all that I care for?

I need my personal getaway with You. Much much more than before.

I'm stagnant. I do not know where to go.

I do not know what to do. I do not know what to say.

So guide me, please?

Please...

I dared to ask all these, simply because I know that You're so much more faithful than I am.

absolute definition

Talent. What is there to be proud of? What is there to be bragged about? It is something you're born with, a gift given unto you. Not something you've earned, or something you've worked hard for.

Envy. Why envy? Why look at things people have and you don't? We like to compare a lot. Yes, we do. We measure ourselves using other people's ruler, and when we come short, we become envious. Deadly poison for the soul.
We just don't realise that we are also an object of envy to some other people. All of us have something only we have. A mixture of different abilities and weaknesses. That's how we're different. There'll always be a lot of people after us, but there will never be one that is like us.

Compassion. Just what is compassion? Is it a feeling stirred up within you whenever you see someone in need of help, in need of care, in need of pity? How if that no matter what, I can't invoke this thing called compassion from within me?
Am I uncompassionate? Am I that bad? Is it even me who is at fault, that no matter what, this kind of sentiment refuses to appear?
Can one learn to be compassionate? Can one even try to be compassionate? Or is it more to an action taken after learning of one's misfortune, rather than the feeling felt?

Kindness. Just what is kindness? Is it something done, because our hearts are stirred for it? Or is it something we do, because we know we should do it? Are there motives to being kind? Or should there be motives to kindness? Or kindness with no reason at all is not kindness at all; or maybe kindness with no reason at all is the ultimate kindness there is? Hmm...

Are these even plain things with easy explanations? Is much thinking blurred what's supposed to be an easy truth? Or are these just something very vague, with no absolute answer, with no definite definition?

Jesus Lord, please help us to define the values that you've instilled in our hearts. At times, we are confused, and the only one who can clear us of confusion is You. So grant us Your wisdom, grant us understanding to many things, to many issues that we are going to face in this journey of life.

Thank You in advance.

this trust

Why is such brokenness felt?

My heart seems to have been tear down; I'm not surprised, but why did it happen so loud, that all I can hear is the sound of it collapsing?

Dear dear Lord.

I understand more now why it is better to leave it to Your plans, rather than my own.

Everything seems good in my sight, but things don't always go the way I want to.
Because I'm not you. How shortsighted I am, and how longsighted You are.

Few more months left, and I'm released from this responsibility.
To return to the shell once again, to work from the shadows.

The more I know, the more distant I feel.
The more I care, the more aches I have to suffer.

Is it not already enough Lord.
Isn't it already time for you to get me out from here?
You've shown me much in a year. Is there more?

I wanna go away, being the misfit that I am, being so different from everyone that I know.
I do not want to show any of my core so much,
to be used and poked,
it hurts. it hurts.

But if all these seems well to You,
I'll wait. Yes, I'll wait.

If it's not yet the time to be removed from this, so be it. I've learned that Your judgements and plans are better than mine.

I want to rededicate this proud, foolish and filthy heart into Your care, Your cleansing work.

If it is good that I'm heartbroken,
let it be.
If it is good that I'm hurting,
let it be.
If it is good that I feel like running away, but can't,
let it be.

I'm ready to be more than this. I'm ready to be even more different from all the people that I know. I'm ready to be more than the misfit I already am. I'm ready to leave the feelings I have.

If You can die for me, I can live for You.

So let me be, let You be.

I await deliverance, not from people, not from anyone, but from You.

Be still my soul, with all you are.

numb

I don't feel like posting anymore.
I also don't feel like replying emails anymore.
I don't feel like going the extra mile for people anymore.
I don't think I like her as much as before anymore.
But I also feel like I don't like everybody as much anymore.

I'm numb.
Probably.
Or made numb.
By myself.

A way of escape?
Maybe.
Running away?
I wish.
Maybe I'm at the edge of my limits.
And inside of me, it just wanna stop.
Don't wanna feel the way I felt, anymore.

I'm numb.
Maybe.
Or became numb.
To everything.

I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't wanna chat about it.
I don't wanna think about it.
I just wanna be numb.
For as long as I can be.

oversensitivity

It's kinda hard being a human eh?

It's a wonder that at times, we cause hurts, and we live the rest of our lives not noticing even a bit of what we've done, while the person who got hurt, lived with it for the rest of their lives.

But what are we to do? Even sentences that are thought over carefully, reviewed over and over again, will somehow, cause some hurt to someone, while we the speaker has no such intention.

What are we to do? The only thing to do is to speak less, thus hurt less. The best way, it seems, is to stop speaking at all, but these solutions aren't solutions at all. They're just a mean of avoidance.

What are we to do? Getting hurt at little little things which people say, with no actual harm meant.

Why do we think too much? To analyze small small matters into the very details?

But if we are to accept something people say as it is, some would probably meant something more, which the speaker tries to convey secretly, hoping that we would notice.

But if we are to dig too much from a casual conversation, trying to see whether there's something hidden underneath, there would probably be nothing at all, and we'd be branded over-sensitive, insecure, and suspicious.

So, what should we do, what should we do?

It seems like either to the left or to the right, we'd fall into the puddle anyway.

But really, does it matter if something someone tried to convey means something more? Whether we think too much, or think too little of it, it's just all speculations, with no solid proof, right?

So, either way, it doesn't benefit much. It'll only fill our minds with unnecessary worries and anxiety. And we'll live less happily in this little world.

If a person has anything to say to us, let the person says without the use of hints, without hidden meanings, without riddles. Else, let us just ignore whatever the person's trying to convey.

I'm not proposing that we be ignorant of the feeling of others, or to be less sensitive towards others, but I'm trying to encourage honesty in relationships, in friendships.

We can play the game of hints forever, which would probably results in nothing, or we can just sit together, be honest, and that's it.

So hopefully, we can stop hurting ourselves by thinking too much, and stop hurting others without knowing it. Let love be love, and sorrow be sorrow. Let love not be sorrow.

blurry

Why is it that when I try to run away, I drew closer?

Everything's been blur and hazy these days.

It felt like a storm just passed by, but everything remained untouched.

It felt like time is flowing extremely fast, but when I look around, it's the same as usual.

These few weeks has been the weirdest weeks of my academic year, and I kinda felt something coming.

Is this premonition, or something else?

Either way, it benefits me nothing.

I just wanna live life more than this. Yes, to come out of this mud and start walking like I should.

What should I do? I know not. I know not. Everthing's blurry, everything's blurry.

So, God, please help. Please help.

dear Lord,

It's weird. Yes, it's weird.

It seems like the more I get to know You, the existence of my conflicting nature becomes more evident.

I feel two different personality, residing in one body, surfacing at the same time, in constant battle with one another.

So, is the good one the 'spirit man', and the evil one the 'old man'?

Or is it just because my heart is naturally evil, to the very core?

Why is it that sometimes, when I truly wish someone to be well off, that there's this voice, that's wishing otherwise?

Can I claim that it's not me, when it feels so clearly that, it's a part of me that's speaking of curses and evil?

Even in prayer, even when others are praying, the 'person' hurls blasphemies and insults.

Deep inside, I would rather die than saying those things, and it hurts me when those voices that are from my within spew such words.

Am I to admit that 'he' is me?

To know that I am evil beyond all things? I am more wretched that most people?

But I know one good thing that comes from this; To reach to the Father residing on the throne of heavens, my filthy self could never bring itself to His presence. I can only come before Him, in a heavenly robe stained with the blood of His Son, the Son who was crucified for my sins.

It pains me to know that no matter what I do, my apparel and attire will never be clean enough to come before my God, if I were to evaluate with all sincerity.

No matter how I wash it, it reeks of innocent blood that I've spilled. Of filthiness, that can never be washed away. Of evil, that can never be rid of.

So Lord, thank You for Your heavenly robe, stained with the Holy blood of Your Son, that You traded with me. Thank You for taking my unclean robe, and gave me Yours instead. Thank You, for enabling me to come before You again, with confidence, not in my own goodness, but Your merciful and graceful Self.

So let Your grace be poured unto me, more and more, that my 'old man' can be suppressed, and my 'spirit man' surfacing with great authority.

I'm sorry for my evil heart, I'm sorry that I'm who I am, but I'm glad for who You are.

I thank You, for the Hope that has been given unto us.

Let me not be arrogant in my so-called 'wisdom', but grant me a child-like faith, that You can truly work in me; To be less 'realistic', but to be more 'faith-full' instead.

I thank You for Your Love, Your infinite and endless Love.

Amen.

a better judgement

Right now, I've come to a point where I once again question my own ability of judgement.

Most of my decisions, are not decisions made after seeking God, but instead, relying on own agenda, and faith that God will make something out of the decision.

I find it troubling to having explain the reason to certain of my doings, because how can I let someone see what I see? The views that I have, the belief that I hold on to, they're different from other people.

Or maybe sometimes, I look too much towards myself. Maybe I should focus on what people wants rather than what I want more?

Right now, I don't really know whether there's any correct things I've done in the past. There's so many things I've done and decided, that I think is right at that particular moment. But now, I'm doubting it.

I know I wouldn't make the most correct decision most of the time, and there are indeed some things that I'm doing that I'm not really sure whether it should go this way.

But having to question back what you've already done that you think was correct, even till now, I need my pride taken away. I need people to stop giving praises that I don't deserve.
I didn't do any good job, so don't bother congratulating me or giving me a pat on the shoulder.

And right now, somehow, I'm not liking this line of work that God has gave me to do, once again. I hated it once, but when I got used to it, I grew to like it. And now, I'm not liking it once again.

But by feeling like this, am I actually disbelieving my own abilities, or God's capabilities? Am I limiting myself, or am I limiting Him?

No, it's not self-pity, but I think it's probably because my pride has been hurt. Heh. To think I still have that. And a whole lot of it.

Wouldn't You take away this prideful person, Lord? Life would be so much easier to pass if I'd just become more humble.

I know You don't need my help Lord, but rather, I'm the one who need You. But if there's anything You wanted me to do, just tell. I hope I'll do it and not get discouraged easily. And it all depends on how large is your sphere of mercy Lord. :)

I look forward to a good sunday. Help me make it, instead of just hoping and waiting for it.

A good day doesn't happen on its own; It is made.

thicker than blood

People look hard for people they can relate to, people they have connection with, doesn't matter whether they can really connect with them or not.

The easiest link for this would be blood relations.

That's probably why people would always look back for or cling unto their family members. It's not like they can be trusted to not betray or harm you just because you're related by blood, but at least the chance is lower compared to the rest of the world.

While this is so, I do believe, or try to believe that love is thicker than blood.

Why?

A parent with adopted child will grow to love the child as their own as time goes. And they're not even related by blood.

A person will grow to love someone as much as they love themselves, or probably more than that, one day. And they're not even related by blood.

Some are blessed with trustworthy friends, which would never give you up for the world, nor would you give them up for the world. Some would even give their lives for you, as you would some. And all of you are not even related by blood.

That why sometimes, I do not understand why people stereotype people by their lineage. To push a child away just because the parent didn't have a good background. To hate someone, just because they're born to the line of a different race.

Did they wish to be born that way? Wouldn't they have opted for another ancestry if they know they'll be hated for being who they are?

No matter what root I come from, I do not regret it. Some people pride themselves as being someone from a certain race, from certain family root, but I see myself as an individual, while trying to be ignorant of such things. Sure, I still celebrate cultural and traditional festivities, but that's another issue.

I just know that if I want to see people of different origins with a fair eye, I must rid myself from being tied up to these things. The knowledge of how cultures, races, traditions, and humans come about helps. Having an eagle's eyeview of the matter, no matter how little, helps.

Anyway, I just know that in God's eye, whatever race you're from, whatever history you have, you're an individual. When you stand before His majestic and awesome presence, you're an individual. Your whole life would be about you, and being who you are.

So, in the end, it has nothing to do with blood, but it has everything to do with love.

My conclusion? Love is definitely thicker than blood.

God bless.

tired

Someone asked me to post about celibacy.

I can do that.

If now is an hour ago.

But now, I'm pooped.

Goodnight. :P

i'm sorry

I'm sorry for being nosy.

I'm sorry for such insensitive stupidity.

I'm sorry for being such weak CGL.

I'm sorry for thinking I am capable.

I'm sorry for my ego.

I'm sorry for thinking that I am a good encourager.

I'm sorry for my pride.

I'm sorry for thinking that I give good advices.

I'm sorry for being me.

I'm sorry that I am weak.

I can only apologize, but I know it wouldn't help a bit.

So Lord,
what I have tore apart, help me fix it;
what I have destroyed, help me recreate;
what I have trampled, help me restore.

I'm sorry.

mistake

Mistakes. One of the thing that leads to our growth both in attitude, and in character.

What do you do when you because of your insensitivity, and stupidity, led to a conflict between two persons?

You thought you've learned from it, and from then onwards, it'll never happen again.

But no, you're soooooooo wrong.

I've once severed the relationship between two sisters. Until now I do not dare to talk to the elder one. I don't know how they're doing now, but this guilt I've carried till now. It was my fault. Because I was an idiot.

I thought I've learned. That it'll never happen again.

Yet now, here I am, causing another conflict between two dear sister in Christ.

Lord! How many times will this happen? I'm sorry I've grown close to people. I'm sorry for trying to encourage without caring what has happened. I'm sorry for being such an idiot.

I can't run away, I have responsibilities.
I don't know what to do Lord, I'm helpless.
I can only make myself numb, that I may not collapse from the guilt.

I know You'll forgive me of my mistakes, but that's not the issue now. Yes, I've wronged you, but more importantly, I've wronged them. If they're not reconciled, I doubt that I'll be able to really live in freedom in You like I was before.

I'll seriously talk less to people.
I won't hang out as much anymore.
I'll only do what's necessary, I would not go the extra mile anymore.

I just want them to be on good terms with each other again, and for this to never happen again.

So please Lord?

No matter how badly I've screwed up Lord, please grant Your mercy and grace to me.

Somehow Lord, in whatever ways, let this be turned into something good.

You said that all things work together for the good of those who love You, to those who are the called, according to Your purposes.

Let me see this verse works Lord. Let me see Your goodness now.

I don't want to face this everytime I come into Your presence. I don't wanna remember that this problem is still unsolved, everytime I hold the bread and the cup during Holy Communion. I can't talk to You in liberty and confidence knowing that this problem remains.

I do not want to limit You, but I do know that if You're willing, You can make it well.

So please Lord, please.

changes

I'm sorry that I'm weak Lord, but I thank You for illuminating me through.

It has been a blessed academic year. I've gained much, I've lost some.

I admit that most of the time, changes are for the better. But sometimes, when we lost something that has been a part of ourselves for so many years, even if it's a bad one, we feel the loss.

We feel like we've forgotten who we are, that we've lost trace of who we used to be. But if it's for Your glory Lord, no matter how painful it is, let it be. I'm grieving, but I'm also holding unto You.

Though it's been a weird year, that I should go through this particular circumstance, I realise that I've come to understand things I never did. Now I understand why apostle Paul wrote what he wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:25-35, because I've felt it, I've experienced it.

It's hard for humanly love, and Godly love to live together. Yes, it can be in total harmony, but most of the time, when one is present, one has to give way. It's hard to have the thoughts of your loved one, and meditate upon the Lord at the same time, except in prayers.

At this point, I cannot do much. It's not like I wanted to feel like this in the first place. It just happens. So I'm sorry. Whatever may be, may God provide me a way to fusing the both, that I may also bless others.

And if it's possible, I pray that He take away it all, and free me from this bond. I wanted to feel like a friend again. A normal friend. It felt like a betrayal and a lie unto her by waking up everyday with this kind of feeling.

But even if this is meant to remain, I believe I can live with it through the rest of my life. Yes, I believe I can.

Whatever it is, let me not lose focus on the works You're doing inside me. Let it not because of this I'm missing out on the actual thing You planned by creating this circumstance.

Whatever it is, I'll keep waiting for Your grace to be upon my face, I'll wait for the time that I can stand proud in front of her, with no extra motive or feelings. Yea.

Whatever it is, let me live through this, let me live to tell of Your goodness.

For our pitiful feelings cannot compare to Your everlasting Love.

in silence

To the one i loved deeply, but probably would never be told so:

For me to know you, is a miracle. I've never thought that someone could notice so much about me, I've never thought someone could know so much about me.

For the hurts done, for the wrong things spoken, for the walks that didn't go well, I'm sorry.

Know that I never mean it so, when I would give the world just for your smile.

Know that you're always on my mind, not 24/7, but most of the time, yea.
No matter what I do, no matter where I am, there's time when I'll suddenly think of you.

Know that I read your smses over and over again, just to read the things you wrote.

Know that I love to chat with you, even when there's nothing to say.

Keeping my feelings to myself does hurt. Knowing that you probably would never know hurts. Realising that I might not be able to be with you for the rest of my life hurts.

But instead of risking this friendship just to make known this feelings, I rather swallow it in. And believing that God would match you with someone better, somehow, I'm relieved. And having faith that God will bless you with a happier life somewhere with someone other than me, tears will still roll down my cheek, but my lips will still keep the smile.

There are times I wonder whether I'll keep this feeling forever, even when you're already far away.

Should I?

There are times I wonder whether I'll still have the same feeling up in heaven, when we're all with Jesus.

Or will it disappear?

There are times when I wonder what would happen if we were to walk the rest of our lives together?

I'd probably not be good enough for you, but if we are meant to be, you'd probably become my inspiration to be a better person, second only to God.
The thought that I'll get in the way of your bright future is always there, but the same goes to the thought of wanting to be there, seeing and sharing your every achievements.
And I would never want you to love me more than you love the Lord, because only then I can know that you'd understand the things I would do for Him.
Even when the feelings' gone, we'd walk the rest of our lives in close friendship, a bond that can never be broken, sanctified by marriage.

That would probably be it, but then again, it'd probably not be.

But that's enough a dream for the day, I would never tell anyway.

exceeding joy

Exceeding joy. It's been so long since I feel like everything's been going the correct and wrong way at the same time. Sorrow and joy interchanging at high speed. Sadness and happiness switches ever so rapidly.

Been feeling fear of a lot of things. People, close friends, responsibilites, especially of my own CG. Yea, I'm scared. I don't know why. Been feeling inferior. Don't blend well with people. Don't act like self in crowds. Been very careless with a lot of things. Been thinking that I wouldn't do well with people and stuff.

But somehow, something was revealed to me. To know that everytime I'm not doing something when I'm supposed to, I'm limiting God, saying that He's incapable.

Everytime I'm not giving my best, or just go in boldness and courage, I'm telling people that my God is weak, my God is small.

The thought of insulting my own Jesus stunned me. I've never thought my self-pity and pessimism is equivalent to so.

But somehow, whenever I'm with people, I can't help feeling out of place and weak and inferior. Oh how I miss the days when I was so optimistic.

But how blessed I am today, when my computer which kept restarting was somehow ok again.

Once again, I removed the fan and the heatsink, only to discover the CPU attached to the heatsink. And the pins have somehow bent, and there's this part where the pin seems to have come off. I'm not sure whether it's not there in the first place, or was lost due to my recklessness.

I put it back again, and tried few times to turn the PC on, but to no avail. And somehow, just now, it worked again. Yes, there is a thought that it was a random electronics failure, and from experience I know how unreliable these things are, when they can go haywire without warning, even when it's left untouched.

But I'm just happy. Was deciding to go and buy a new chipset, but now it's ok.

To know I'm not capable to fix things, but can only rely on luck, and experience.

But to know that God is in every single thing in my life, be it my computer, my studies, my family, my problems, my sleep, and my all, that itself is a blessing.

So, what if I AM weak. So what if there's a lot of stuff I can't do. I'm happy with life, and I'm so looking forward to so many wonderful things God has to offer.

To be optimistic is the flower of life, but to be optimistic because of the hope in God is the essence of it.

I wish you a blessed day. :)

letting go

The past few days have been tough on me. Forced me to rethink my life and relationships with people. As long as these things are not solved, I can hardly ever pray. I can’t face Him when there’s something I’ve not settled over here.

As a so called CGL, my approach was to be a friend. A friend who’s serious in developing close friendship. Yea, not to everyone, but I try to.

I found out that when things happened the wrong way, I’m trapped between duty and life. Yea people always say that you need to avoid having your personal life issues interfere with your duty. That’s ridiculous. We’re the life we live. We have duties because of the life we live. To separate life from duty is absurd.

But although that saying is absurd, things will most probably be easier that way. Because they’re unconnected. So they won’t affect one another. And that is probably what I’ll do. To run into my shell and work from there. I need not go out anymore. Nope, actually I don’t wanna go out anymore.

And I need to remind myself that things that matters to me, doesn’t necessary matter to other people. And things that don’t matter to me, doesn’t necessary be so with other people. I need to be both flexible and sensitive at the same time, and that must be done within the shell.

Things that I’d go an extra mile for doesn’t necessarily matter to other people. Issues I view as serious and should be talked over, others may think that it’s just some petty concern. Things that break my heart and steal my sleep may be trivial to others.

I need to let go. Pursuing it may free me, but may cause hurt to others. And it doesn’t really matter if I’m sick to the heart, as long as the heart of the ones I care about stays intact. I don’t wanna break any heart, cause anymore problem. It’d be fitting if I take my distance, and stop stepping on people’s feet.

So, Lord, I’m letting go. I would not pursue it any further. So help me forget. I don’t wanna think about it anymore. I don’t want to dwell upon it anymore, I don’t wanna live my life like this anymore.

We’re incompatible, and we prolly will never go well together. As long as the safe distance is not crossed, me and you is safe from harm. From whatever harm there is, things that happen in close proximity.

Take care, and God bless you all, my friends.

conflict

Conflict. Something most people tend to want to avoid, though some find joy in seeking it.

For me, that is something I truly hate, and I'd give my all just to avoid it. It's something I can never learn to handle, and whenever it happens, I have this tendency to go to my bed, sleep it off, not wanting to think about it.

But no matter how hard I try to avoid it, it'll still happen. It's only natural, because we're human. Someway or another, sometimes, we step on each others' toes. It's because we also have toes. It's because we're human.

When conflict happens, the block of friendship that has been build over the time, just tend to crumbles down. An accidental swing, a simple misunderstanding, a small mishap.

No matter what people say, things will never ever be the same again. It has happened, we cannot pretend like nothing ever did happen, and that we can go on with our lives like we did before. Even in pretending to forget, things is never the same again, and we know it.

It's tiring. Building the block takes time. And when it crumbles, we also need time to build back what we've built before.

But no matter what, even when things wouldn't be the same again, whether it'll go positive or negative depends on how we walk the rest of our days together.

You can build the relationship back, or you can just give up and leave it all scattered aground.

But one thing for sure, that from this conflict, we've gained another block. A block of better understanding of one another. To add this block when building thing back will help strengthen the relationship. Doesn't mean that conflicts will never happen again, but the possibility of the same thing ever happening is lowered to near zero.

So, it's your decision to make full use of the extra block gained, or just to walk away from the crumbled mess. I wish you all the best if you decide to build things back. The future doesn't look bleak at all, right? ;)

May this bless you. I've got my own blocks to build back. :) Till then.

the reason

People are kind to the people they love. I mean, exceptionally kind.

It's natural to be kind to those we love, but are we kind towards the one we love BECAUSE we love them, or SO THAT they love us?

Some people force kindness on people, the person that they love, and when the love goes unrequited, they're angry. They don't understand why the person cannot return their love when they've been so kind, so generous.

It's natural to hope that our feelings be felt, and returned by the one person we're fond of, but is it fair to force it unto them by pressuring them with the debt of generosity and kindness?

If the person is unable to return your feelings, do you stop, try to forget, and look for someone else who would be able to return your feelings?

Or is your heart bound to the same person, even when the person has no feelings towards you, got married, grows old with someone, who unfortunately is not you? Yes, such cases are rare, till it only seems to appear in fairy tales.

And is it insincere to be kind to a person, just because you're fond of them? Just because the person think that you're being kind because of friendship? Is it a betrayal to be kind for such reason? Somehow, it feels so.

Thus, it is especially important to test our own feelings. To see whether it is love, or actually lust. It is natural to want to have the person for yourself, but if it's love, the grabbing hands would open free to let go. And if it's lust, the grabbing hand would consume selfishly, never letting go, at least not until everything is consumed.

And do ask yourself, whether everything you're doing for the person is because of your likings of the person, or because you're forcing a debt of love unto them.

May God guide us all in this matter, even when He seems irrelevant, I assure you that He is capable.

can one love forever?

I've always wonder. Can one love forever?

People exchange vows during their marriage. 'Till death do us part.' Notice that it's not 'till we don't like each other anymore.'

Mutual likings. Boy and girl gets together. They became a couple.
One day, they break up.
The reason : I don't have any feelings for you anymore.

Mutual likings. Couple got married.
One day, they're divorced.
The reason : We don't have feelings for each other anymore.

As long as we're humans, this kind of love is bound to end one day. It is expected. If it's so expected, then why get married? Or are you trying to take the chance and see if the feeling might last forever? Why the vow taken then? Why are lies like "I'll love you forever," and "till death do us part" spoken then?

No, I am not promoting cohabitation. I am against it.

If we are to ever lose the feelings we once had for one another, why get together even? Is it for the temporary beauty? That we can look back and say that we have a memorable romance?

I’ve always had problem in accepting the fact that I ever so easily like someone, and also can ever so easily come to dislike the person I claimed to have deep feelings for.

Now, I’m not sure whether I can be in deep love with someone for the rest of my life anymore. There might be a chance I can, and it’ll be interesting to find that out, but instead of risking someone’s heart for such possibility, I rather not try.

I rather carry this feeling for the rest of my life, by myself, even if it’s meant to last forever.

And for those who are blessed with close relationship, or sanctified marriage, I wish that your feelings for your partner would indeed last forever. May you walk the rest of your life hand-in-hand with the one you love, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, with everlasting, genuine care and concern.

I’ll be cheering you on, and may God bless your lives abundantly, in all His love and glory. :)

*edited*February 26 2006*

churching

Today someone asked me, "I didn't see you in church today," as he always does every sunday whenever he sees me. Most of the time I just smiled. I've got no defense. Uh, and I'm currently back in my hometown, and I don't attend any church service here.
Now, before you accusing me of putting up a show of churching back in cyber, you better not. :P
He continue by telling me that if I don't attend church, I'll backslide. Was a bit shocked of being shot like that. Anyway, I do agree with what he said, but that agreement differs in some ways.
Basically there are three reasons I go to church.
First, the fellowship. I believe that christians cannot live alone, because without that constant encouragement, directly or indirectly from other christians, one day, you'll bound to wonder the reason you're christian, even to the point where you don't really care about your faith anymore.
Secondly, for the sermon. Yea, I kinda fancy preaches. Not like it's there ORIGINALLY, but it's a good way to get pointers, apart from bible studies and sharing.
Thirdly, ah, I don't really remember.
Anyway, since there's only mandarin and iban speaking church around here, it's kinda hard for me to present myself among the local brethrens. I already find it hard to fellowship with people, and I do not understand the sermon well. Blame it on the language barrier. Don't tell me that if I faithfully go, God will somehow make me understand it all. I don't live my faith like that.
I wouldn't mind attending an english or malay speaking church if there's one here. Sadly, there's none. Except for a nearby town, which is quite far. :(

But I do wonder, what has a church become? People view sunday church service as THE ONLY day to worship God. If you don't worship Him that day, at church, you're gonna backslide. WTH?
For me, after a little study on early churches, I've come to see sunday church service as the time we worship God WITH our christian brethrens. We worship God EVERYDAY, we worship God on sunday WITH other christians. The main point is to keep yourself in contact with other christians.
The problem is many people see sunday as the only day we worship God, and the rest of the weekdays we can live our lives as though He never existed. Our whole life is a worship unto God, church, is for fellowship. Godly fellowship.
Though I say all these, I disagree with people who says that 'I don't go to church because I don't feel comfortable there. I still worship God at home on sundays. And I still go to church whenever I'm back at my hometown.' Hey, you don't only worship God at home on sundays, you're suppose to worship Him like that everday! And hey, if not because of the language barrier, I find no other reason for myself not to go to church at my hometown. Plus, it's not like I'm really comfortable at my church, I still go because I know it's important.
Even if you go churching back in your hometown, and don't do that while you're studying in another region, because you don't feel comfortable, what if when you graduated, and you're to work somewhere else? So, will you not be going to church forever?

I think I'll stop here, and review this post later. Not used to home computer and this post is getting a wee bit too long. Till then.

God bless.

undying Grace

If one were to ask for a reason of why my trust is placed on Jesus Christ, my answer would be because He saved me.

No, I'm not referring to eternal damnation and sins and things like that. But of course, I'm blessed that by His sacrifice on the cross, I was invited to be with Him in heaven, instead of hell. For as long as I can remember, my life has been for nothing. Working, toiling, studying, striving. But I never sit down just to think of the reason I'm doing all those.

All your life you strive to be the best. All your life you're called one of the best. But coming out into the world, you found out that it's not so. There are tonnes of things you're incapable of, and you realise how incompetent you actually are.
And at this kind of time, He came and draw u out, cleanse you, feed you, and give you a reason to live. I needed not look anymore. He draw me out of the pit, and give me life, when He's not obliged to do so. It was His grace, and while undeserving, I gladly accept it.

Indeed, I consider myself more blessed than most, because of the ways He's working in my life. Little little prayer, of great impossibility, was answered, in His own wonderful ways, even when He didn't really need to.

The reason to this post, is because a while ago, while playing a game, an error occured. And despite my efforts to turn my computer on again, it was to no avail. Somehow, a file got corrupted. I can't even boot my computer up using the setup CD, and worse yet, even my boot up CD doesn't work! It was indeed dishearting, because while I can probably fix it, it'll require a great deal of my time and effort, and it would be seriously, very troublesome.

I left it a while, tired and I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Because I was kinda down with a lost, and this kind of thing just have to add to my misery. After playing few games to escape from the real world, I walk back to my computer. I said to Him, "I don't know how you're gonna repair this error, because I can't even boot it up using my trusty CD. But anyway, please help."
I turn it on, and somehow, the error didn't appear anymore. Still, my computer is not very stable and restarts every now and then, but the main thing is now I can access it and backup whatever that is necessary.

From the time when the computer can actually be accessed, tears nearly rolled down my cheek, most probably because of my varying-emotion-disorder, but also because of the feeling of unworthiness. He didn't really need to help me with anything, but He did anyway, and I gladly accept it. You might say it's just coincidence and stuff, but like I've mentioned previously, because I've prayed, and He grants, I would not just dismiss it and categorize it as coincidence.

And I kinda feel that this is His way to ask me to stop despairing over that lost, and to stop self-pitying. I still have Him, and this will never change. If it's in His plan for me to be with certain someone, He'll bring it to completion, HIS OWN WAY. If not, well, I'll just have to wait and see what's instore for me, and stop feeling sad for myself.

I don't know whether this is His intention, but at least it was a good wake up call. I'll try to look forward, and walk as I should, while trying my best to maintain this trust in Him. I can't possibly know what the future will be, but with a God like Him, I can stop fearing for the worst, and start getting excited.

Thank You for bringing me to the place where I now sit. When I look back, it was indeed a long, and very impossible path. But I'm here anyway. And because I'm here, I can indeed expect even more wonderful things from You, be it bad or good in my sight, because I know that all things work together for the good of those who love You, for the called, according to Your purposes.

Now I can sleep at ease, being reminded of Your eternal company, that I am not alone, be it in my sadness, or my happiness. :)

God bless.

the wrong side

I finally watched The Chronicles of Narnia : The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. *grin*
It was a good movie. It's very interesting how these people put what they read to something that people can watch.

There are some disappointments though, like how the "bow that wouldn't miss if you put your trust in it" was used twice, and the knife that was only thrown once. There are other issues hanging, but all in all, it was nice.

It was all fine until the end of the movie approaches. The moment the lion give the witch the final death blow, he didn't look like the good guy anymore. He seems more like the evil one.

That made me wonder.
How will it be if you're in a war, on the side of the group that seems to be the good guy, only to found out later that you're actually on the wrong side. Worse yet, you're the cause of the victory of this seemingly-good bad guys.

You've destroyed all hopes, assisted injustice, and scarred the life of so many innocent people, just because of a mis-judgment.

In this life there's so many wars going on. Be it spiritual or non-spiritual. And everybody thinks they're on the correct side. Who shall we side? What if we take a side and we're the decisive factor, but at the end, you found out that you're on the wrong side of the river.

Or do we remain neutral? Is that the best answer? Probably, but also probably not. Seems like in such helplessness, the only Judge we can turn to is God, hoping that He'll open our eyes to see what is true. Or we may even be a third group, the peacemakers. But that would probably be the worst side among the three, in terms of the responsibility and work.

Standing in the midst of so many wars, hopefully, we'd be able to make the correct decision with His help.

May we not stand in regret at the sight of the aftermath, may we not cry and be unable to do anything, anymore. Even if there's regret, may it not be too late.

awaiting grace

Ah. A bad week. Spiritually.

Losing all essence that makes me, me.
Yes, I'm acting as myself. From instinct. Cos I've been like that for years.
But I'm far from remembering who I am.

All of a sudden, I have all this thoughts again.
Of all the things I really wanted to do, but could never.
Plans to improve everybody's relationship in CG;
Plans to help everyone in their walk with Christ;
Plans to make this year's CG more memorable;
Plans to be a better servant.

Seems like everything is out of my hands now. Too far.

CG on wednesday. Few turned up. I am blessed by their presence. Thought I was gonna ask everybody to switch to other CG. Cos I don't think I can take it any longer. I wanted to bless them with so much more, but why can't I? I think that they'd be better being a part in another cell group. There are cell group that would help in their spiritual growth; There are those who are closely attached to one another; There are those who's more happening.

So much for trying to be "unorthodox." I just don't have the strength and will to do anything anymore. It's all spent during the first semester. I thought I can do better this semester. Didn't work.

When I'm supposed to be for them, it seems like I need them more than they need me.

No, I'm not asking for encouragements, nor pity.

You don't have to worry.

He'll send me comfort and things that I need. I believe. For He has never failed me. I was here before, and He saved my fall. He'd do it again this time. Or many times if He needs to. I thank You for the second chance. Or was it the third chance? No, I've lost count. Because You've been merciful. I thank You that I didn't die sinning.

Let me look to You, and less towards myself. Let me find myself in Your works, and all that I do for others, rather than what I do for myself.

Need You, again, evermoreso.

Thank You in advance.

fading

It's incredible how one night can totally make you feel so horrible. It's just incredible.

I found that the more I depend on people to get something done, the more I'm losing my own identity. Yes, it feels like my personality, everything that I am is slipping away. I'm fading away by the moments, I don't really remember who I am anymore.

Why this hollowness? Is this part of Your plan? To what ends?

Yes, I'm questioning, because I feel so horribly lost.

Am I trying to live to be someone other people expect me to be?
To be someone people want me to be?
To be someone people think I am?

I hate people's expectations.
I hate praises.
I hate compliments.

Yes, I do hate them. It'll make me proud, and I try my best to maintain the standard of my performance. Why the pretense? I can't help being tied up to these things.

I thank God for my capable and benevolent friends that He has given me this year. But I think I'll keep my distance. I'm losing my pieces by days, I'm forgetting me for who I am. I don't want this anymore.

No, I don't want it anymore.
And no, it's not your fault. It's just me. Because of who I am.

christmas

Why did you live oh Lord?

Let us remember the reason You lived.

Yes, we do not want to be so caught up with the festivities of the world.

Let us remember the reason You lived.

Merry Christmas.
May light shines upon you,
That truth will be revealed,
That you may truly see,
Things that are of real importance,
And things that are not.

God bless you all this Christmas.

I know I am. Having celebrated Christmas for the first time ever since becoming a Christian, with kind and faithful friends. I thank You.

for Your grace

Lord, I wonder.
Why does Your grace always seems to show itself at the very last minute?
Are you teaching me to hold on to Your promises till the very last moment?

When the blade nearly touches my neck?
When I nearly touch the ground from a fall?
When I'm near to letting go?

But still,
You didn't need to provide me with any grace at all.
You're not obliged to.

But still,
You do.

For that Lord, I thank You.
And can never thank You enough.
May my heart love you forever.
May I not walk astray from this path.
Thank You.

thank you all

Will the soup be enough?
Do we need to cook another bunch of potatoes?
Will the chicken nuggets be enough?
So little mee hoon, can it fill all the 30 people?
Will that house be able to contain 30 human beings at a time?
Should I bring my scrambled egg?
Cos it smells weird...

All in all, God has been gracious.

Not only the soup is enough, it's too much!
Not only the potatoes is enough, we can't finish it!
A lot of people didn't notice the chicken nuggets,
so those who noticed got their sufficient share.
Not only the mee hoon is enough, I still have one big container of it here!
The house is spacious, thank you God, and thank you Jason!
I brought my scrambled eggs. I doubted all the positive comments. :P

I thank You Lord that, though I'm so weak and inexperienced, You've given me so many capable friends. I thank You Lord for them. I do. I really do.

Thank you Jia Wern for the nice potato salad. It was kinda chewy. I'm lovin' it. :P

Thank you Michelle for the spaghetti. The sauce was nice. But I make sour face whenever I eat sour food. So there.

Thank you Chee Kah for the drinks. I'm glad you didn't pour that thing in. Or did you??? Anyway, I'm not against it or something. I'm totally ok with it, but since I make it a commitment not to drink it, I disallow it whenever I can. :P

Thank you Jacintha for the fries and nuggets. Everything was so crispy. :P I soooooo miss french fries. And I nearly get sore throat eating it. But I didn't. Praise Him~ :D
And the game was fun. But how am I suppose to know who your mama is!?? hmph!

Thank you Clement for the soup. It looks like curry, but it tastes great. And doesn't taste like curry. :P Uh and thank you for fetching hostel people. :D

Thank you Lau for buying the mee hoon and bringing it all the way here. You've been a very good and faithful friend. I'm happy I know you from the CG. :D

Thank you Phui Yein for buying the fruits. Nearly forgot about them. :P

Thank you Cindy for washing the dishes and cleaning up. Sorry I didn't get to buy what you asked me to. Soweee............ >_<

Thank you Joanne for cleaning up too. Thank you for coming even though you're busy with your assignments and stuff. And water-less. :P

Thank you Jason for your house, and for the pizza. Too bad we didn't get to try your minced chilli. Err, I mean chilli meat. Ehh, I mean the mexican minced meat called chilli. :P

Thank you Ming Chu for driving all the way to hostel and picking up people. Seems like driving is your ministry for this sem. Church and CG. :P

Thank you Edwin for helping me pick people from hostel too. You're from another CG, but thank you for being a blessing to this CG. But at times I'm scared that you might be bored. :P But you're always welcome here, even if you happen to not own a car. :D

And thank you all who came. For showing up even after exam. For rushing back for the dinner. I hope you all enjoy the fellowship and food. Sorry for my inadequacy. I am still green. And organizing these kind of events are not my forte. Excuse me for any inconvenience caused.
God bless you all.

May we all one day rejoice in one Spirit, and one Truth.

That, is my Christmas wish.

take it away

It's so heartaching,
Lord take it away.
It's so suffocating,
Lord take it away.
It's bad for my heart,
Lord take it away.

Please.

I don't wanna hope in the dark,
Lord take it away,
I don't wanna wish so painfully,
Lord take it away,
I don't wanna feel so bad,
I wanna be happy again,
So Lord, take it away.

Please.

welcome to the club

You think you have a lot of friends.
You think you know a lot of people.
But sometimes.
You suddenly feel like you're all alone in this world.
Yes, all alone.
Nobody seems to understand.
Nobody seems to care.
Nobody seems to notice.

If you're to ever feel these,
welcome to the club.
Just want you to know that,
you're actually not alone.

I've been there. (And still am. Prolly always will.)
I understand how it felt.
Yes, I do.

Since we're feeling the same way,
welcome to the club.
I'll cheer you up.
You'll cheer me up.
We'll never be alone anymore.

conditional love

Just what is love? No, I'm not talking about parental love or Godly love. I'm talking about the feelings that is between persons of different gender.

Ever wonder what that love truly is? That mushy little feeling you have inside you, whenever you see that person. That heartache that develops whenever you think of them. The way they never seem to fade from your mind. What is that actually about, and what caused it?

Is it because of the way their hair look in the sun? Is it because of the way the person smiles? Is it the way the person looks you in the eye?

Or is it because of how the person handle themselves in the midst of people? Is it the way they handle their conversations with people? Is it the way they seem to be deeply concerned with people?

Or is it because of how they shine among all others? Is it because of how they stand out in the crowd?
Or you're totally clueless of the reasons.

What makes a person, a person?

Is it the appearance, the character, the habits, or simply the combination of all these factors?

Appearance may change over time.

Character may deteriorate.

Habits may disappear.

What happens when all the above happens? That the person is not the same person anymore? That he/she is another person?

When you love someone because of one or more of these factors, what happens when it changes?

If you love because of how beautiful the person is to you, do you not love anymore when their appearance change?
If you love because of how dedicated and benevolent a person is, do you not love anymore when these things vanish?

Is there a reason to love when a person is not who the person was before?

We are told to love people for who they are, but the dilemma is, what makes a person, the person that they are?

So, when you love a person, ask yourself why. And when the elements that made you love the person is no more, do you stop loving?

addiction

No matter how little time spent away from You,
It always made me feel like it's been forever.

Even if it's 2 hours of playing a game,
Or 1 hour of reading comic,
It always left me feeling that,
It's been forever.

I hate this feeling,
Greatly.

I must've been addicted to You.

lying

Did my replacement lab today. Nearly wasn't allowed to do it. The reason? I wrote "oversleeping" in the "reason" column. The lab assistant went "Huh? Oversleeping also can replace???" I don't remember clearly what happened, but I remembered saying "because no one's dumb enough to write oversleeping as their reason for missing the lab." How bold of me.

To cut the long story short, I was allowed to do my lab. But I'm not sure if my marks will ever be counted if someone else get to see my lab replacement form. XD

If you think "oh, he's trying to show that he's a man of great faith," I tell you no.

Yes, being overly honest can cause me my lab marks, it'll save me A LOT of trouble if I just lied in the first place. But I didn't, not because I have faith that God will deliver me from this trouble. I did wrong. And I don't deserve this grace, but it was given anyway, and I gladly accept it.

The reason for being overly honest and not lying is because I had enough of feeling depressed after each lie. Enough is enough. Even if it cause me unnecessary trouble, or being hated, or shunned, I'd still do it.

Even if I get caught for intentionally/unintentionally breaking the law and hinted to give bribe, I hope I'm bold enough to give a big NO, even if that means being thrown into the prison or whatever. It's because I believe there are reasons to rules, and they ought to be followed.

The law is made to protect people, not to trouble them.

That is what I believe, and to act otherwise would only brand me as a hypocrite.

That might be why I can never own a business, where little little lies might be involved. XD

And while I believe honesty is important, I also believe that there are things that doesn't need to be said. You can't lie if you don't say anything right? ;)

Hope this blessed you.
And don't judge me! I know I'm wrong for oversleeping, but................. ugh. bleh. Who never oversleeps anyway right? XD

waiting

Waiting for the day when I can finally tell you that,

You're a friend, that I admired, and loved,
But I tried my best,
To make that feeling go away,
And now I'm glad to say,
You're just a friend from now on.
A good friend.

Yes, I'm waiting for it, patiently.

me and You

Do you think I wanted to do everything myself?

I know you're ok with me asking for favours,

But I'm not ok with it.

Yes, it's my problem.

I have trouble in human communications.

Think I wanted that?

I've improved from before.

But I kept getting worse.

Need grace, more than before, more than this.

If You think it's sufficient, fine.

Just don't leave me and let me face it alone.

I need You, evermoreso.

please

cracking under pressure.

I wanted to be better.

But my nature forbids me to.

I need changes.

In within.

God, please.

Please.

we are forgetful

About 2 weeks ago, I missed my lab session. And getting a replacement will not be easy, as I can't bring myself to give any untruthful excuses. Got myself the lab replacement last week, but that's another story.

The feeling of missing that lab was not pleasant, for I've prepared for it the night before. And instead of putting the blame on everyone else except myself, I was forced to realise that this is indeed my mistake.

For the times I can sleep earlier but I didn't,
For the times I did useless stuff, when I can sleep earlier,
For the times I played game, when I can sleep earlier.

Thus I vowed to fast game for 2 weeks. The main reason was so that I can use the gaming time to do more important stuff, and if possibly, to sleep earlier.

At first it was probably fine, but after a week, I found myself staring at the monitor of my computer most of the time, counting the time to the end of the fasting vow.

I couldn't believe myself. I'm utilizing the time to idle around instead!

The reason I fasted in the first place was forgotten.

Well, there's still few more days before I can play games again, and hopefully with this realisation, I can fulfill the true purpose of the vow. XD

And aren't we all like that? There'll be a time when we suddenly forget the reason to the things we're working so hard on.
Some even wonder why are they faithfully serving in churches, and cf.

Yes, the reason was forgotten, because it has become a routine.

The next time you wonder why you are doing the things you're doing, look back, and rediscover the very reason of it.

It's hard to stop something from becoming a routine, but it's not that hard to stop, look back, and to remember.

point taken

I guess there are just things you shall not share with other people, no matter how close you think they are to you.

Point taken.

thank you Lord!!!!!

Thank You Lord for letting me pass all my previous trimester's papers,
Thank You Lord for helping me get my computer running again whenever I can't start it,

And thank You Lord for reviving my dead phone!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's an unthinkable miracle!!!
No wonder I can't sleep and suddenly thought of turning on my phone.

For your grace is so great,
My heart will never be large enough,
To contain every pouring of your blessings,
Never ending blessings~

grace

and Your grace is like the height of heavens,
where it reaches I cannot see,
where it ends I do not know,
it pours like rain from the sky,
as deep as the oceans below.

sorry

What do you do when people complain about the decision you made? And it's not even entirely yours?

Do you try your best to be better, or just quit it since you don't really want to care for that particular matter?

I like people being honest, but let's not do it "it's your fault you better fix it" way.

I have feelings too ok?

And I'm sorry for my mistakes, leaving perhaps many dissatisfied people. I'm sorry. It's my fault for not being good enough anyway.

I'll try to be better, but I can't guarantee you anything.

Because I don't know what the future holds, but I'll try.

nap

God, I have faith in You,
but holding unto hope that I can't see,
is tiring.

I'm taking a nap aye?

sigh

I think, I'm gonna let go,
It doesn't seem like it'll work out anyway,
Yes, it doesn't seem like it'll go any further,
No, I'm not a quitter,
Cos I haven't even started yet,
But I'm letting go,
Yes, I'm letting go.

Sigh.

if I weep

If I weep,
Over the death of a loved one,
It only meant,
We won't be able to see each other in this lifetime,
Only memories will follow,
Missing deeply.

If I weep,
Over a troubling situation,
It only meant,
I'm waiting for God's comfort,
I'm waiting for His help,
Waiting quietly.

If I weep,
Over the salvation of my loved ones,
It only meant,
I'm pleading to God,
That perhaps He would see my tears,
And grant me my pleads.

If I weep,
Over the death of a stranger,
It only meant,
I'm regretting the times,
When I did nothing to know the person,
When I should've done so.

If I weep,
For no reason at all,
It only meant,
There's something wrong,
I need a voice that cares,
I need a shoulder to lean on.

I thank You

I thank You,
For the papers I passed,
Even tho I deserve to fail,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the rain withhold,
Even tho I deserve to be wet,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the friends that You gave me,
Even tho I deserve to be alone,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the financial provision,
Even tho I deserve none,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the people who I loved, and probably loved me,
Even tho I deserve no love,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the phone I have,
Even tho it's broken now,
I know You will provide.

I thank You,
For the hands I have,
Even when I'm sore from carrying things,
I'm glad when I'm home.

I thank You,
For the feet I have,
Even when I'm sore from walking,
I'm glad when I'm home.

I thank You,
For being You,
For all the time of faithfulness,
Even when I'm not.

I thank You,
For stepping out to die for me,
Claiming the right to be my God,
Even when I don't deserve to be with You.

I thank You Lord.

overlooked

It seems like even when you're tired and exhausted, once you missed or overlook something, there's probably no second chance.

And there's probably even a price to be paid.

at lost

I don't know how to what to write right now.

I don't know what to do also.

Dealing with annoyance, repetitively,
From the people I should care for.

Dealing with a heart,
That looks at sufferings and catastrophy apathetically.

Dealing with a life,
That is far from my liking.

Dealing with my feelings,
Which I don't truly understands.

Dealing with my mind,
That thinks strangely.

I need You God, evermore so.

forgotten

I've totally forgotten how easy it was for me to hurt people.

The things I said, I thought of them as light jokes,
but to others, they were piercing insults,
and hurls of hurting words.

I've totally forgotten how I wished for people not to know me,
for they'll probably lived better,
happier.

I've totally forgotten how it'd be best for me to keep my mouth shut,
in all occasions.

I can never drive them away,
But I can run away and disappear.

But I wouldn't do that.

I'll speak less,
joke less,
and hang out less.

It doesn't matter if I'm hurt, as long as I don't hurt people.

It really doesn't matter at all if I'm all alone,
I'm used to it.
It has always been like that,
So, it doesn't really matter.

Yes, it doesn't really matter.

to you

To my ex cg leader:

I may had not said this but even if I said it I don't know if you'd take it seriously. Contrary to your belief, I see you taking up the role of leadership of the cg not because there's no one else who'd do it. I see it as God has made it such that there's no one else that'll be able to do it except you.

You did well, honestly.

I've seen how much you've changed while you're at it, and I wish some of the changes would stick till now. :P

I've seen you become more humble, more attentive, and more mature.

I'm sorry that I was not as supportive as I should, I just had to miss a few months of CG for the sake of my spiritual and knowledge growth. I was a bit dissappointed for the lack of support though. I guess we're even. :)

Just wanted to say it wasn't coincidental, it wasn't something "no one else would, so we picked you," it was "no one else could, so we picked you."

God is preparing you for something. It's not obvious, but He is. Just hope you'd notice. :)

Things are never coincidental. They are incidental. Because we've got a master Planner up there. He has a lot of plans for us, whether we notice it or not.

Hope this blessed you. Thank you for your support through the first semester. I am blessed.

May He blesses you with many things,
His grace keeps you safe,
His mercy keeps you going,
His Spirit keeps you strong.

self reminder

This post if a reminder for myself for the near future.

Today, as I look upon my own laziness, and undedicated heart, both unto God and my studies, there'll be no way that I'm going to have a good result this semester. This is the worst semester ever, where I seldom touch my notes, where I totally don't understand what most of my subjects are about. My coursework marks are low, lowest ever. I perceive that even passing is hard.

Yet, I'll cast all unto God, dedicating this few weeks unto Him. If I'm carried through, let this post be a reminder that all the wonderful things happen not because I'm smart enough, but my God is merciful. I pray that my following post will be about thanking Him of His goodness, of His wonders. I pray that my next post will be a strong declaration of my faith in Him. I pray that my next post will be a blessing for those who read it.

If you're reading this, please pray for me. A short one will do. I thank God for everything that I have, even this little breath that is in me. I'm worried, and lazy, but God, take my worries, and give me a diligent heart.

For He is good, His love endures forever.

waiting, with all i am

What happens when you thought you're comfortably conversing with God daily,
you actually found out that He has stopped speaking to you.

What happens when you wanted to get back to bible-devotioned life before your period of busyness,
you found out that, to your horror, your passion for the Word has dreadfully disappeared.

What happens when you thought you have the fruit of the Holy Spirit,
you found out that everything in your sinful nature struggling to break loose?

What happens when you thought that you're very caring, very loving, very benevolent,
you found out that you're actually very selfish, has bad-intention filled thoughts, unconcerned with anybody's life and problems but yours?

What happens when you need to talk to somebody,
but aren't willing to say anything?

What happens when you wanted to seek God back,
but your repentance and passion seems so fake?

What happens when your life seems so good,
but it's actually crumbling apart?

Do you flee?
From your badly-trampled life?

Do you run?
From the devil's attack that seemed to be successfully executed on you?

Do you seek?
God when He seems to be so distant, so deaf to the pleas, so disgusted with the pretense you put on?

I wish I am sorry.
I wish I am repentant,
I wish I don't feel the way I do.

But why am I not?

Will I allow my life to be trampled upon by satan?
Will God allow my life to just slip away, wasted, and ruined?

I need You today.

If it were few weeks back, even if I don't sense Your presence, I know You're here.
But today, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not so sure of anything anymore.

Despite the smiling face I put up every now and then,
My heart is crumbling apart, my spiritman is dying,
I might go and waste my life again,
Away from God.

And I'm scared of that.
I don't want to see that happen.

So help me God.
I'm waiting,
With all I am.

loneliness

Hmm...

If we human feel lonely and abandoned when people don't bother about us.

I wonder how God felt throughout the centuries.
Even about His redeemed people.

Hmm...