fading

It's incredible how one night can totally make you feel so horrible. It's just incredible.

I found that the more I depend on people to get something done, the more I'm losing my own identity. Yes, it feels like my personality, everything that I am is slipping away. I'm fading away by the moments, I don't really remember who I am anymore.

Why this hollowness? Is this part of Your plan? To what ends?

Yes, I'm questioning, because I feel so horribly lost.

Am I trying to live to be someone other people expect me to be?
To be someone people want me to be?
To be someone people think I am?

I hate people's expectations.
I hate praises.
I hate compliments.

Yes, I do hate them. It'll make me proud, and I try my best to maintain the standard of my performance. Why the pretense? I can't help being tied up to these things.

I thank God for my capable and benevolent friends that He has given me this year. But I think I'll keep my distance. I'm losing my pieces by days, I'm forgetting me for who I am. I don't want this anymore.

No, I don't want it anymore.
And no, it's not your fault. It's just me. Because of who I am.