waiting, with all i am

What happens when you thought you're comfortably conversing with God daily,
you actually found out that He has stopped speaking to you.

What happens when you wanted to get back to bible-devotioned life before your period of busyness,
you found out that, to your horror, your passion for the Word has dreadfully disappeared.

What happens when you thought you have the fruit of the Holy Spirit,
you found out that everything in your sinful nature struggling to break loose?

What happens when you thought that you're very caring, very loving, very benevolent,
you found out that you're actually very selfish, has bad-intention filled thoughts, unconcerned with anybody's life and problems but yours?

What happens when you need to talk to somebody,
but aren't willing to say anything?

What happens when you wanted to seek God back,
but your repentance and passion seems so fake?

What happens when your life seems so good,
but it's actually crumbling apart?

Do you flee?
From your badly-trampled life?

Do you run?
From the devil's attack that seemed to be successfully executed on you?

Do you seek?
God when He seems to be so distant, so deaf to the pleas, so disgusted with the pretense you put on?

I wish I am sorry.
I wish I am repentant,
I wish I don't feel the way I do.

But why am I not?

Will I allow my life to be trampled upon by satan?
Will God allow my life to just slip away, wasted, and ruined?

I need You today.

If it were few weeks back, even if I don't sense Your presence, I know You're here.
But today, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not so sure of anything anymore.

Despite the smiling face I put up every now and then,
My heart is crumbling apart, my spiritman is dying,
I might go and waste my life again,
Away from God.

And I'm scared of that.
I don't want to see that happen.

So help me God.
I'm waiting,
With all I am.