awaiting grace

Ah. A bad week. Spiritually.

Losing all essence that makes me, me.
Yes, I'm acting as myself. From instinct. Cos I've been like that for years.
But I'm far from remembering who I am.

All of a sudden, I have all this thoughts again.
Of all the things I really wanted to do, but could never.
Plans to improve everybody's relationship in CG;
Plans to help everyone in their walk with Christ;
Plans to make this year's CG more memorable;
Plans to be a better servant.

Seems like everything is out of my hands now. Too far.

CG on wednesday. Few turned up. I am blessed by their presence. Thought I was gonna ask everybody to switch to other CG. Cos I don't think I can take it any longer. I wanted to bless them with so much more, but why can't I? I think that they'd be better being a part in another cell group. There are cell group that would help in their spiritual growth; There are those who are closely attached to one another; There are those who's more happening.

So much for trying to be "unorthodox." I just don't have the strength and will to do anything anymore. It's all spent during the first semester. I thought I can do better this semester. Didn't work.

When I'm supposed to be for them, it seems like I need them more than they need me.

No, I'm not asking for encouragements, nor pity.

You don't have to worry.

He'll send me comfort and things that I need. I believe. For He has never failed me. I was here before, and He saved my fall. He'd do it again this time. Or many times if He needs to. I thank You for the second chance. Or was it the third chance? No, I've lost count. Because You've been merciful. I thank You that I didn't die sinning.

Let me look to You, and less towards myself. Let me find myself in Your works, and all that I do for others, rather than what I do for myself.

Need You, again, evermoreso.

Thank You in advance.