a better judgement

Right now, I've come to a point where I once again question my own ability of judgement.

Most of my decisions, are not decisions made after seeking God, but instead, relying on own agenda, and faith that God will make something out of the decision.

I find it troubling to having explain the reason to certain of my doings, because how can I let someone see what I see? The views that I have, the belief that I hold on to, they're different from other people.

Or maybe sometimes, I look too much towards myself. Maybe I should focus on what people wants rather than what I want more?

Right now, I don't really know whether there's any correct things I've done in the past. There's so many things I've done and decided, that I think is right at that particular moment. But now, I'm doubting it.

I know I wouldn't make the most correct decision most of the time, and there are indeed some things that I'm doing that I'm not really sure whether it should go this way.

But having to question back what you've already done that you think was correct, even till now, I need my pride taken away. I need people to stop giving praises that I don't deserve.
I didn't do any good job, so don't bother congratulating me or giving me a pat on the shoulder.

And right now, somehow, I'm not liking this line of work that God has gave me to do, once again. I hated it once, but when I got used to it, I grew to like it. And now, I'm not liking it once again.

But by feeling like this, am I actually disbelieving my own abilities, or God's capabilities? Am I limiting myself, or am I limiting Him?

No, it's not self-pity, but I think it's probably because my pride has been hurt. Heh. To think I still have that. And a whole lot of it.

Wouldn't You take away this prideful person, Lord? Life would be so much easier to pass if I'd just become more humble.

I know You don't need my help Lord, but rather, I'm the one who need You. But if there's anything You wanted me to do, just tell. I hope I'll do it and not get discouraged easily. And it all depends on how large is your sphere of mercy Lord. :)

I look forward to a good sunday. Help me make it, instead of just hoping and waiting for it.

A good day doesn't happen on its own; It is made.

thicker than blood

People look hard for people they can relate to, people they have connection with, doesn't matter whether they can really connect with them or not.

The easiest link for this would be blood relations.

That's probably why people would always look back for or cling unto their family members. It's not like they can be trusted to not betray or harm you just because you're related by blood, but at least the chance is lower compared to the rest of the world.

While this is so, I do believe, or try to believe that love is thicker than blood.

Why?

A parent with adopted child will grow to love the child as their own as time goes. And they're not even related by blood.

A person will grow to love someone as much as they love themselves, or probably more than that, one day. And they're not even related by blood.

Some are blessed with trustworthy friends, which would never give you up for the world, nor would you give them up for the world. Some would even give their lives for you, as you would some. And all of you are not even related by blood.

That why sometimes, I do not understand why people stereotype people by their lineage. To push a child away just because the parent didn't have a good background. To hate someone, just because they're born to the line of a different race.

Did they wish to be born that way? Wouldn't they have opted for another ancestry if they know they'll be hated for being who they are?

No matter what root I come from, I do not regret it. Some people pride themselves as being someone from a certain race, from certain family root, but I see myself as an individual, while trying to be ignorant of such things. Sure, I still celebrate cultural and traditional festivities, but that's another issue.

I just know that if I want to see people of different origins with a fair eye, I must rid myself from being tied up to these things. The knowledge of how cultures, races, traditions, and humans come about helps. Having an eagle's eyeview of the matter, no matter how little, helps.

Anyway, I just know that in God's eye, whatever race you're from, whatever history you have, you're an individual. When you stand before His majestic and awesome presence, you're an individual. Your whole life would be about you, and being who you are.

So, in the end, it has nothing to do with blood, but it has everything to do with love.

My conclusion? Love is definitely thicker than blood.

God bless.

tired

Someone asked me to post about celibacy.

I can do that.

If now is an hour ago.

But now, I'm pooped.

Goodnight. :P

i'm sorry

I'm sorry for being nosy.

I'm sorry for such insensitive stupidity.

I'm sorry for being such weak CGL.

I'm sorry for thinking I am capable.

I'm sorry for my ego.

I'm sorry for thinking that I am a good encourager.

I'm sorry for my pride.

I'm sorry for thinking that I give good advices.

I'm sorry for being me.

I'm sorry that I am weak.

I can only apologize, but I know it wouldn't help a bit.

So Lord,
what I have tore apart, help me fix it;
what I have destroyed, help me recreate;
what I have trampled, help me restore.

I'm sorry.

mistake

Mistakes. One of the thing that leads to our growth both in attitude, and in character.

What do you do when you because of your insensitivity, and stupidity, led to a conflict between two persons?

You thought you've learned from it, and from then onwards, it'll never happen again.

But no, you're soooooooo wrong.

I've once severed the relationship between two sisters. Until now I do not dare to talk to the elder one. I don't know how they're doing now, but this guilt I've carried till now. It was my fault. Because I was an idiot.

I thought I've learned. That it'll never happen again.

Yet now, here I am, causing another conflict between two dear sister in Christ.

Lord! How many times will this happen? I'm sorry I've grown close to people. I'm sorry for trying to encourage without caring what has happened. I'm sorry for being such an idiot.

I can't run away, I have responsibilities.
I don't know what to do Lord, I'm helpless.
I can only make myself numb, that I may not collapse from the guilt.

I know You'll forgive me of my mistakes, but that's not the issue now. Yes, I've wronged you, but more importantly, I've wronged them. If they're not reconciled, I doubt that I'll be able to really live in freedom in You like I was before.

I'll seriously talk less to people.
I won't hang out as much anymore.
I'll only do what's necessary, I would not go the extra mile anymore.

I just want them to be on good terms with each other again, and for this to never happen again.

So please Lord?

No matter how badly I've screwed up Lord, please grant Your mercy and grace to me.

Somehow Lord, in whatever ways, let this be turned into something good.

You said that all things work together for the good of those who love You, to those who are the called, according to Your purposes.

Let me see this verse works Lord. Let me see Your goodness now.

I don't want to face this everytime I come into Your presence. I don't wanna remember that this problem is still unsolved, everytime I hold the bread and the cup during Holy Communion. I can't talk to You in liberty and confidence knowing that this problem remains.

I do not want to limit You, but I do know that if You're willing, You can make it well.

So please Lord, please.

changes

I'm sorry that I'm weak Lord, but I thank You for illuminating me through.

It has been a blessed academic year. I've gained much, I've lost some.

I admit that most of the time, changes are for the better. But sometimes, when we lost something that has been a part of ourselves for so many years, even if it's a bad one, we feel the loss.

We feel like we've forgotten who we are, that we've lost trace of who we used to be. But if it's for Your glory Lord, no matter how painful it is, let it be. I'm grieving, but I'm also holding unto You.

Though it's been a weird year, that I should go through this particular circumstance, I realise that I've come to understand things I never did. Now I understand why apostle Paul wrote what he wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:25-35, because I've felt it, I've experienced it.

It's hard for humanly love, and Godly love to live together. Yes, it can be in total harmony, but most of the time, when one is present, one has to give way. It's hard to have the thoughts of your loved one, and meditate upon the Lord at the same time, except in prayers.

At this point, I cannot do much. It's not like I wanted to feel like this in the first place. It just happens. So I'm sorry. Whatever may be, may God provide me a way to fusing the both, that I may also bless others.

And if it's possible, I pray that He take away it all, and free me from this bond. I wanted to feel like a friend again. A normal friend. It felt like a betrayal and a lie unto her by waking up everyday with this kind of feeling.

But even if this is meant to remain, I believe I can live with it through the rest of my life. Yes, I believe I can.

Whatever it is, let me not lose focus on the works You're doing inside me. Let it not because of this I'm missing out on the actual thing You planned by creating this circumstance.

Whatever it is, I'll keep waiting for Your grace to be upon my face, I'll wait for the time that I can stand proud in front of her, with no extra motive or feelings. Yea.

Whatever it is, let me live through this, let me live to tell of Your goodness.

For our pitiful feelings cannot compare to Your everlasting Love.

in silence

To the one i loved deeply, but probably would never be told so:

For me to know you, is a miracle. I've never thought that someone could notice so much about me, I've never thought someone could know so much about me.

For the hurts done, for the wrong things spoken, for the walks that didn't go well, I'm sorry.

Know that I never mean it so, when I would give the world just for your smile.

Know that you're always on my mind, not 24/7, but most of the time, yea.
No matter what I do, no matter where I am, there's time when I'll suddenly think of you.

Know that I read your smses over and over again, just to read the things you wrote.

Know that I love to chat with you, even when there's nothing to say.

Keeping my feelings to myself does hurt. Knowing that you probably would never know hurts. Realising that I might not be able to be with you for the rest of my life hurts.

But instead of risking this friendship just to make known this feelings, I rather swallow it in. And believing that God would match you with someone better, somehow, I'm relieved. And having faith that God will bless you with a happier life somewhere with someone other than me, tears will still roll down my cheek, but my lips will still keep the smile.

There are times I wonder whether I'll keep this feeling forever, even when you're already far away.

Should I?

There are times I wonder whether I'll still have the same feeling up in heaven, when we're all with Jesus.

Or will it disappear?

There are times when I wonder what would happen if we were to walk the rest of our lives together?

I'd probably not be good enough for you, but if we are meant to be, you'd probably become my inspiration to be a better person, second only to God.
The thought that I'll get in the way of your bright future is always there, but the same goes to the thought of wanting to be there, seeing and sharing your every achievements.
And I would never want you to love me more than you love the Lord, because only then I can know that you'd understand the things I would do for Him.
Even when the feelings' gone, we'd walk the rest of our lives in close friendship, a bond that can never be broken, sanctified by marriage.

That would probably be it, but then again, it'd probably not be.

But that's enough a dream for the day, I would never tell anyway.

exceeding joy

Exceeding joy. It's been so long since I feel like everything's been going the correct and wrong way at the same time. Sorrow and joy interchanging at high speed. Sadness and happiness switches ever so rapidly.

Been feeling fear of a lot of things. People, close friends, responsibilites, especially of my own CG. Yea, I'm scared. I don't know why. Been feeling inferior. Don't blend well with people. Don't act like self in crowds. Been very careless with a lot of things. Been thinking that I wouldn't do well with people and stuff.

But somehow, something was revealed to me. To know that everytime I'm not doing something when I'm supposed to, I'm limiting God, saying that He's incapable.

Everytime I'm not giving my best, or just go in boldness and courage, I'm telling people that my God is weak, my God is small.

The thought of insulting my own Jesus stunned me. I've never thought my self-pity and pessimism is equivalent to so.

But somehow, whenever I'm with people, I can't help feeling out of place and weak and inferior. Oh how I miss the days when I was so optimistic.

But how blessed I am today, when my computer which kept restarting was somehow ok again.

Once again, I removed the fan and the heatsink, only to discover the CPU attached to the heatsink. And the pins have somehow bent, and there's this part where the pin seems to have come off. I'm not sure whether it's not there in the first place, or was lost due to my recklessness.

I put it back again, and tried few times to turn the PC on, but to no avail. And somehow, just now, it worked again. Yes, there is a thought that it was a random electronics failure, and from experience I know how unreliable these things are, when they can go haywire without warning, even when it's left untouched.

But I'm just happy. Was deciding to go and buy a new chipset, but now it's ok.

To know I'm not capable to fix things, but can only rely on luck, and experience.

But to know that God is in every single thing in my life, be it my computer, my studies, my family, my problems, my sleep, and my all, that itself is a blessing.

So, what if I AM weak. So what if there's a lot of stuff I can't do. I'm happy with life, and I'm so looking forward to so many wonderful things God has to offer.

To be optimistic is the flower of life, but to be optimistic because of the hope in God is the essence of it.

I wish you a blessed day. :)

letting go

The past few days have been tough on me. Forced me to rethink my life and relationships with people. As long as these things are not solved, I can hardly ever pray. I can’t face Him when there’s something I’ve not settled over here.

As a so called CGL, my approach was to be a friend. A friend who’s serious in developing close friendship. Yea, not to everyone, but I try to.

I found out that when things happened the wrong way, I’m trapped between duty and life. Yea people always say that you need to avoid having your personal life issues interfere with your duty. That’s ridiculous. We’re the life we live. We have duties because of the life we live. To separate life from duty is absurd.

But although that saying is absurd, things will most probably be easier that way. Because they’re unconnected. So they won’t affect one another. And that is probably what I’ll do. To run into my shell and work from there. I need not go out anymore. Nope, actually I don’t wanna go out anymore.

And I need to remind myself that things that matters to me, doesn’t necessary matter to other people. And things that don’t matter to me, doesn’t necessary be so with other people. I need to be both flexible and sensitive at the same time, and that must be done within the shell.

Things that I’d go an extra mile for doesn’t necessarily matter to other people. Issues I view as serious and should be talked over, others may think that it’s just some petty concern. Things that break my heart and steal my sleep may be trivial to others.

I need to let go. Pursuing it may free me, but may cause hurt to others. And it doesn’t really matter if I’m sick to the heart, as long as the heart of the ones I care about stays intact. I don’t wanna break any heart, cause anymore problem. It’d be fitting if I take my distance, and stop stepping on people’s feet.

So, Lord, I’m letting go. I would not pursue it any further. So help me forget. I don’t wanna think about it anymore. I don’t want to dwell upon it anymore, I don’t wanna live my life like this anymore.

We’re incompatible, and we prolly will never go well together. As long as the safe distance is not crossed, me and you is safe from harm. From whatever harm there is, things that happen in close proximity.

Take care, and God bless you all, my friends.

conflict

Conflict. Something most people tend to want to avoid, though some find joy in seeking it.

For me, that is something I truly hate, and I'd give my all just to avoid it. It's something I can never learn to handle, and whenever it happens, I have this tendency to go to my bed, sleep it off, not wanting to think about it.

But no matter how hard I try to avoid it, it'll still happen. It's only natural, because we're human. Someway or another, sometimes, we step on each others' toes. It's because we also have toes. It's because we're human.

When conflict happens, the block of friendship that has been build over the time, just tend to crumbles down. An accidental swing, a simple misunderstanding, a small mishap.

No matter what people say, things will never ever be the same again. It has happened, we cannot pretend like nothing ever did happen, and that we can go on with our lives like we did before. Even in pretending to forget, things is never the same again, and we know it.

It's tiring. Building the block takes time. And when it crumbles, we also need time to build back what we've built before.

But no matter what, even when things wouldn't be the same again, whether it'll go positive or negative depends on how we walk the rest of our days together.

You can build the relationship back, or you can just give up and leave it all scattered aground.

But one thing for sure, that from this conflict, we've gained another block. A block of better understanding of one another. To add this block when building thing back will help strengthen the relationship. Doesn't mean that conflicts will never happen again, but the possibility of the same thing ever happening is lowered to near zero.

So, it's your decision to make full use of the extra block gained, or just to walk away from the crumbled mess. I wish you all the best if you decide to build things back. The future doesn't look bleak at all, right? ;)

May this bless you. I've got my own blocks to build back. :) Till then.

the reason

People are kind to the people they love. I mean, exceptionally kind.

It's natural to be kind to those we love, but are we kind towards the one we love BECAUSE we love them, or SO THAT they love us?

Some people force kindness on people, the person that they love, and when the love goes unrequited, they're angry. They don't understand why the person cannot return their love when they've been so kind, so generous.

It's natural to hope that our feelings be felt, and returned by the one person we're fond of, but is it fair to force it unto them by pressuring them with the debt of generosity and kindness?

If the person is unable to return your feelings, do you stop, try to forget, and look for someone else who would be able to return your feelings?

Or is your heart bound to the same person, even when the person has no feelings towards you, got married, grows old with someone, who unfortunately is not you? Yes, such cases are rare, till it only seems to appear in fairy tales.

And is it insincere to be kind to a person, just because you're fond of them? Just because the person think that you're being kind because of friendship? Is it a betrayal to be kind for such reason? Somehow, it feels so.

Thus, it is especially important to test our own feelings. To see whether it is love, or actually lust. It is natural to want to have the person for yourself, but if it's love, the grabbing hands would open free to let go. And if it's lust, the grabbing hand would consume selfishly, never letting go, at least not until everything is consumed.

And do ask yourself, whether everything you're doing for the person is because of your likings of the person, or because you're forcing a debt of love unto them.

May God guide us all in this matter, even when He seems irrelevant, I assure you that He is capable.

can one love forever?

I've always wonder. Can one love forever?

People exchange vows during their marriage. 'Till death do us part.' Notice that it's not 'till we don't like each other anymore.'

Mutual likings. Boy and girl gets together. They became a couple.
One day, they break up.
The reason : I don't have any feelings for you anymore.

Mutual likings. Couple got married.
One day, they're divorced.
The reason : We don't have feelings for each other anymore.

As long as we're humans, this kind of love is bound to end one day. It is expected. If it's so expected, then why get married? Or are you trying to take the chance and see if the feeling might last forever? Why the vow taken then? Why are lies like "I'll love you forever," and "till death do us part" spoken then?

No, I am not promoting cohabitation. I am against it.

If we are to ever lose the feelings we once had for one another, why get together even? Is it for the temporary beauty? That we can look back and say that we have a memorable romance?

I’ve always had problem in accepting the fact that I ever so easily like someone, and also can ever so easily come to dislike the person I claimed to have deep feelings for.

Now, I’m not sure whether I can be in deep love with someone for the rest of my life anymore. There might be a chance I can, and it’ll be interesting to find that out, but instead of risking someone’s heart for such possibility, I rather not try.

I rather carry this feeling for the rest of my life, by myself, even if it’s meant to last forever.

And for those who are blessed with close relationship, or sanctified marriage, I wish that your feelings for your partner would indeed last forever. May you walk the rest of your life hand-in-hand with the one you love, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, with everlasting, genuine care and concern.

I’ll be cheering you on, and may God bless your lives abundantly, in all His love and glory. :)

*edited*February 26 2006*

churching

Today someone asked me, "I didn't see you in church today," as he always does every sunday whenever he sees me. Most of the time I just smiled. I've got no defense. Uh, and I'm currently back in my hometown, and I don't attend any church service here.
Now, before you accusing me of putting up a show of churching back in cyber, you better not. :P
He continue by telling me that if I don't attend church, I'll backslide. Was a bit shocked of being shot like that. Anyway, I do agree with what he said, but that agreement differs in some ways.
Basically there are three reasons I go to church.
First, the fellowship. I believe that christians cannot live alone, because without that constant encouragement, directly or indirectly from other christians, one day, you'll bound to wonder the reason you're christian, even to the point where you don't really care about your faith anymore.
Secondly, for the sermon. Yea, I kinda fancy preaches. Not like it's there ORIGINALLY, but it's a good way to get pointers, apart from bible studies and sharing.
Thirdly, ah, I don't really remember.
Anyway, since there's only mandarin and iban speaking church around here, it's kinda hard for me to present myself among the local brethrens. I already find it hard to fellowship with people, and I do not understand the sermon well. Blame it on the language barrier. Don't tell me that if I faithfully go, God will somehow make me understand it all. I don't live my faith like that.
I wouldn't mind attending an english or malay speaking church if there's one here. Sadly, there's none. Except for a nearby town, which is quite far. :(

But I do wonder, what has a church become? People view sunday church service as THE ONLY day to worship God. If you don't worship Him that day, at church, you're gonna backslide. WTH?
For me, after a little study on early churches, I've come to see sunday church service as the time we worship God WITH our christian brethrens. We worship God EVERYDAY, we worship God on sunday WITH other christians. The main point is to keep yourself in contact with other christians.
The problem is many people see sunday as the only day we worship God, and the rest of the weekdays we can live our lives as though He never existed. Our whole life is a worship unto God, church, is for fellowship. Godly fellowship.
Though I say all these, I disagree with people who says that 'I don't go to church because I don't feel comfortable there. I still worship God at home on sundays. And I still go to church whenever I'm back at my hometown.' Hey, you don't only worship God at home on sundays, you're suppose to worship Him like that everday! And hey, if not because of the language barrier, I find no other reason for myself not to go to church at my hometown. Plus, it's not like I'm really comfortable at my church, I still go because I know it's important.
Even if you go churching back in your hometown, and don't do that while you're studying in another region, because you don't feel comfortable, what if when you graduated, and you're to work somewhere else? So, will you not be going to church forever?

I think I'll stop here, and review this post later. Not used to home computer and this post is getting a wee bit too long. Till then.

God bless.

undying Grace

If one were to ask for a reason of why my trust is placed on Jesus Christ, my answer would be because He saved me.

No, I'm not referring to eternal damnation and sins and things like that. But of course, I'm blessed that by His sacrifice on the cross, I was invited to be with Him in heaven, instead of hell. For as long as I can remember, my life has been for nothing. Working, toiling, studying, striving. But I never sit down just to think of the reason I'm doing all those.

All your life you strive to be the best. All your life you're called one of the best. But coming out into the world, you found out that it's not so. There are tonnes of things you're incapable of, and you realise how incompetent you actually are.
And at this kind of time, He came and draw u out, cleanse you, feed you, and give you a reason to live. I needed not look anymore. He draw me out of the pit, and give me life, when He's not obliged to do so. It was His grace, and while undeserving, I gladly accept it.

Indeed, I consider myself more blessed than most, because of the ways He's working in my life. Little little prayer, of great impossibility, was answered, in His own wonderful ways, even when He didn't really need to.

The reason to this post, is because a while ago, while playing a game, an error occured. And despite my efforts to turn my computer on again, it was to no avail. Somehow, a file got corrupted. I can't even boot my computer up using the setup CD, and worse yet, even my boot up CD doesn't work! It was indeed dishearting, because while I can probably fix it, it'll require a great deal of my time and effort, and it would be seriously, very troublesome.

I left it a while, tired and I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Because I was kinda down with a lost, and this kind of thing just have to add to my misery. After playing few games to escape from the real world, I walk back to my computer. I said to Him, "I don't know how you're gonna repair this error, because I can't even boot it up using my trusty CD. But anyway, please help."
I turn it on, and somehow, the error didn't appear anymore. Still, my computer is not very stable and restarts every now and then, but the main thing is now I can access it and backup whatever that is necessary.

From the time when the computer can actually be accessed, tears nearly rolled down my cheek, most probably because of my varying-emotion-disorder, but also because of the feeling of unworthiness. He didn't really need to help me with anything, but He did anyway, and I gladly accept it. You might say it's just coincidence and stuff, but like I've mentioned previously, because I've prayed, and He grants, I would not just dismiss it and categorize it as coincidence.

And I kinda feel that this is His way to ask me to stop despairing over that lost, and to stop self-pitying. I still have Him, and this will never change. If it's in His plan for me to be with certain someone, He'll bring it to completion, HIS OWN WAY. If not, well, I'll just have to wait and see what's instore for me, and stop feeling sad for myself.

I don't know whether this is His intention, but at least it was a good wake up call. I'll try to look forward, and walk as I should, while trying my best to maintain this trust in Him. I can't possibly know what the future will be, but with a God like Him, I can stop fearing for the worst, and start getting excited.

Thank You for bringing me to the place where I now sit. When I look back, it was indeed a long, and very impossible path. But I'm here anyway. And because I'm here, I can indeed expect even more wonderful things from You, be it bad or good in my sight, because I know that all things work together for the good of those who love You, for the called, according to Your purposes.

Now I can sleep at ease, being reminded of Your eternal company, that I am not alone, be it in my sadness, or my happiness. :)

God bless.

the wrong side

I finally watched The Chronicles of Narnia : The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. *grin*
It was a good movie. It's very interesting how these people put what they read to something that people can watch.

There are some disappointments though, like how the "bow that wouldn't miss if you put your trust in it" was used twice, and the knife that was only thrown once. There are other issues hanging, but all in all, it was nice.

It was all fine until the end of the movie approaches. The moment the lion give the witch the final death blow, he didn't look like the good guy anymore. He seems more like the evil one.

That made me wonder.
How will it be if you're in a war, on the side of the group that seems to be the good guy, only to found out later that you're actually on the wrong side. Worse yet, you're the cause of the victory of this seemingly-good bad guys.

You've destroyed all hopes, assisted injustice, and scarred the life of so many innocent people, just because of a mis-judgment.

In this life there's so many wars going on. Be it spiritual or non-spiritual. And everybody thinks they're on the correct side. Who shall we side? What if we take a side and we're the decisive factor, but at the end, you found out that you're on the wrong side of the river.

Or do we remain neutral? Is that the best answer? Probably, but also probably not. Seems like in such helplessness, the only Judge we can turn to is God, hoping that He'll open our eyes to see what is true. Or we may even be a third group, the peacemakers. But that would probably be the worst side among the three, in terms of the responsibility and work.

Standing in the midst of so many wars, hopefully, we'd be able to make the correct decision with His help.

May we not stand in regret at the sight of the aftermath, may we not cry and be unable to do anything, anymore. Even if there's regret, may it not be too late.

awaiting grace

Ah. A bad week. Spiritually.

Losing all essence that makes me, me.
Yes, I'm acting as myself. From instinct. Cos I've been like that for years.
But I'm far from remembering who I am.

All of a sudden, I have all this thoughts again.
Of all the things I really wanted to do, but could never.
Plans to improve everybody's relationship in CG;
Plans to help everyone in their walk with Christ;
Plans to make this year's CG more memorable;
Plans to be a better servant.

Seems like everything is out of my hands now. Too far.

CG on wednesday. Few turned up. I am blessed by their presence. Thought I was gonna ask everybody to switch to other CG. Cos I don't think I can take it any longer. I wanted to bless them with so much more, but why can't I? I think that they'd be better being a part in another cell group. There are cell group that would help in their spiritual growth; There are those who are closely attached to one another; There are those who's more happening.

So much for trying to be "unorthodox." I just don't have the strength and will to do anything anymore. It's all spent during the first semester. I thought I can do better this semester. Didn't work.

When I'm supposed to be for them, it seems like I need them more than they need me.

No, I'm not asking for encouragements, nor pity.

You don't have to worry.

He'll send me comfort and things that I need. I believe. For He has never failed me. I was here before, and He saved my fall. He'd do it again this time. Or many times if He needs to. I thank You for the second chance. Or was it the third chance? No, I've lost count. Because You've been merciful. I thank You that I didn't die sinning.

Let me look to You, and less towards myself. Let me find myself in Your works, and all that I do for others, rather than what I do for myself.

Need You, again, evermoreso.

Thank You in advance.

fading

It's incredible how one night can totally make you feel so horrible. It's just incredible.

I found that the more I depend on people to get something done, the more I'm losing my own identity. Yes, it feels like my personality, everything that I am is slipping away. I'm fading away by the moments, I don't really remember who I am anymore.

Why this hollowness? Is this part of Your plan? To what ends?

Yes, I'm questioning, because I feel so horribly lost.

Am I trying to live to be someone other people expect me to be?
To be someone people want me to be?
To be someone people think I am?

I hate people's expectations.
I hate praises.
I hate compliments.

Yes, I do hate them. It'll make me proud, and I try my best to maintain the standard of my performance. Why the pretense? I can't help being tied up to these things.

I thank God for my capable and benevolent friends that He has given me this year. But I think I'll keep my distance. I'm losing my pieces by days, I'm forgetting me for who I am. I don't want this anymore.

No, I don't want it anymore.
And no, it's not your fault. It's just me. Because of who I am.

christmas

Why did you live oh Lord?

Let us remember the reason You lived.

Yes, we do not want to be so caught up with the festivities of the world.

Let us remember the reason You lived.

Merry Christmas.
May light shines upon you,
That truth will be revealed,
That you may truly see,
Things that are of real importance,
And things that are not.

God bless you all this Christmas.

I know I am. Having celebrated Christmas for the first time ever since becoming a Christian, with kind and faithful friends. I thank You.

for Your grace

Lord, I wonder.
Why does Your grace always seems to show itself at the very last minute?
Are you teaching me to hold on to Your promises till the very last moment?

When the blade nearly touches my neck?
When I nearly touch the ground from a fall?
When I'm near to letting go?

But still,
You didn't need to provide me with any grace at all.
You're not obliged to.

But still,
You do.

For that Lord, I thank You.
And can never thank You enough.
May my heart love you forever.
May I not walk astray from this path.
Thank You.

thank you all

Will the soup be enough?
Do we need to cook another bunch of potatoes?
Will the chicken nuggets be enough?
So little mee hoon, can it fill all the 30 people?
Will that house be able to contain 30 human beings at a time?
Should I bring my scrambled egg?
Cos it smells weird...

All in all, God has been gracious.

Not only the soup is enough, it's too much!
Not only the potatoes is enough, we can't finish it!
A lot of people didn't notice the chicken nuggets,
so those who noticed got their sufficient share.
Not only the mee hoon is enough, I still have one big container of it here!
The house is spacious, thank you God, and thank you Jason!
I brought my scrambled eggs. I doubted all the positive comments. :P

I thank You Lord that, though I'm so weak and inexperienced, You've given me so many capable friends. I thank You Lord for them. I do. I really do.

Thank you Jia Wern for the nice potato salad. It was kinda chewy. I'm lovin' it. :P

Thank you Michelle for the spaghetti. The sauce was nice. But I make sour face whenever I eat sour food. So there.

Thank you Chee Kah for the drinks. I'm glad you didn't pour that thing in. Or did you??? Anyway, I'm not against it or something. I'm totally ok with it, but since I make it a commitment not to drink it, I disallow it whenever I can. :P

Thank you Jacintha for the fries and nuggets. Everything was so crispy. :P I soooooo miss french fries. And I nearly get sore throat eating it. But I didn't. Praise Him~ :D
And the game was fun. But how am I suppose to know who your mama is!?? hmph!

Thank you Clement for the soup. It looks like curry, but it tastes great. And doesn't taste like curry. :P Uh and thank you for fetching hostel people. :D

Thank you Lau for buying the mee hoon and bringing it all the way here. You've been a very good and faithful friend. I'm happy I know you from the CG. :D

Thank you Phui Yein for buying the fruits. Nearly forgot about them. :P

Thank you Cindy for washing the dishes and cleaning up. Sorry I didn't get to buy what you asked me to. Soweee............ >_<

Thank you Joanne for cleaning up too. Thank you for coming even though you're busy with your assignments and stuff. And water-less. :P

Thank you Jason for your house, and for the pizza. Too bad we didn't get to try your minced chilli. Err, I mean chilli meat. Ehh, I mean the mexican minced meat called chilli. :P

Thank you Ming Chu for driving all the way to hostel and picking up people. Seems like driving is your ministry for this sem. Church and CG. :P

Thank you Edwin for helping me pick people from hostel too. You're from another CG, but thank you for being a blessing to this CG. But at times I'm scared that you might be bored. :P But you're always welcome here, even if you happen to not own a car. :D

And thank you all who came. For showing up even after exam. For rushing back for the dinner. I hope you all enjoy the fellowship and food. Sorry for my inadequacy. I am still green. And organizing these kind of events are not my forte. Excuse me for any inconvenience caused.
God bless you all.

May we all one day rejoice in one Spirit, and one Truth.

That, is my Christmas wish.