second reminder

"When things go swirley circly, your plans go down the drain. God ignores yours and go on with His, and you found out that it's wayyyyyyy better than yours. And you're happy by how the day went by."

When God is in work, do I need to worry?

Saturday 29th of December 2006 shall be the day of reminder of the gracefulness and the perfection of God's plan compared to mine.

Satisfaction within disappointment within satisfaction.

Would've love to share the details, but it might draw misunderstandings.

Should you worry that the silver might be burned in the furnace while it's in the hands of a Master Silversmith? ;)

love

How I wish things would be simpler than this.

How I wish that love would be simpler than this.

Love, another word that has lost its essence.
Another word not many remembers what anymore.

Nowadays, love is used interchangeable with lust.

People don't bother to check their feelings anymore. They just go and do what they feel is right.
Without bother to think.

It's true that not all correct decisions are made by thinking, feelings are an important ingredient too.

But when things are chosen or decided by just either one of them, that's wrong.

Feelings and thoughts are supposed to go hand-in-hand; they're supposed to walk in pair.

Open your eyes and see,
Be silent and evaluate,
Are you loving the person you think you're loving,
Or do you just lust for them?

Love has no room for impatience,
It has no room for being unkind.
Love has no room for jealousy,
It has no room for boastings.
Love has no room for impoliteness,
It has no room for selfishness.
Love has no room for provocation,
It has no room for evil thoughts.
Love is not delighted in sin,
but in truth.

Love bears all things,
Love believes all things,
Love hopes all things,
Love endures all things.

The next time you think you love someone, do think of these things.

The next time you want to take someone's hand in marriage, do think of these things.

The next time you want to get married with someone, do think of these things.

Can you take responsibility for the oath of "till death do us part?"
Can you take responsibility for the ring you slide unto your spouse's finger?
Can you take responsibility for the word of love you so easily has spoken?

Enough with hatred.
Stop being deceived by people who says that it is possible to love to a point of hating.
Love has no room for hatred, but lust does.
Do you not see the contradiction?
Love cannot hate, nor can hatred love.

Enough with domestic violence.
Stop the beating, stop the hitting!

Enough with testing.
Love is a vow, love is a promise.
It is not a testing of how far a feeling will go, or how long it'll last.
Feelings are feelings.
Love is a feeling, and is much more; it is a choice.

You can't choose to like. It just happens.
But you can choose to love.

You cannot not love a person if you like them, but you can love a person even if you don't like them.

Let's embark on a journey to find back the lost words of brotherhood, sisterhood, purity, marriage and love?

Our world has seen little of these things that they considered them non-existing entities, only living in storybooks.
Can you start showing them that these things exist, because our loving God lives?
Can we start being kind and be the messenger of the love message of our God?
Can we start loving this loveless world, just as we are loved?

higher

"The problem starts when we make up our own minds what will give us happiness and then decide, if we don't get exactly that, that God doesn't love us." -Elisabeth Elliot-

It's amazing how we humans sometimes stubbornly going after things that God doesn't want us to, and when things start going wrong, we wonder why God wouldn't make our plans go well.

Whenever God says no to the things we want to pursue, we try our best to reason using our logical human intellect, to tell Him that if we are allowed to go for things we want to go for, we would be happy. Afterall, wouldn't God have wanted us to be happy?

Stubbornly, we go after things we thought would surely make us happy, and when things began to go tumbling down, we blame it all on Him.

Why wouldn't He bless our path?
Why wouldn't He be there to stop things from going wrong?
Why would He allows such thing to even happen?
Aren't we the blessed of most?
Why is He not on our side, giving us all that we wanted to have?
Or even, why did He allowed us to have our ways in the first place?

I hate such generation. But I shouldn't. If I were to hate them, it wouldn't be them that I hated, but God. Because He created them. Plus, I belong to such generation. I am afterall one of them, making the same ignorant decision from time to time.

Can we not see that whenever God says no, it's not because He doesn't want us to be happy, but it's the exact opposite.

Have you ever thought that you would be happy doing or having certain things, but realised that it brought misery instead?
Have you ever thought that you would be happy exerting revenge, but afterwards found yourself sore from hurting too?
Have you ever thought that running away from God would make you free from various restrictions, but instead found yourself chained to various things, broken and unwell?

There are many toys I wanted to have when I was a child. Figurines, robots, plushies (ahaha) and such. I never understood why my dad wouldn't just buy me all of them. Afterall, having all those stuff would definitely make me happier. Or at least that's what my brain of that age was telling me.

As I grew up, I found that what I thought then wasn't true at all.

If my dad were to buy me all those things, it would be equivalent to countless cash being burned as those toys would be in some boxes somewhere right now.
If my dad were to buy me all those things, I would've been spending lesser time on books and tv, and would not have learned as much as I should have.
If my dad were to buy me all those things, I would be wondering now of why he would be pamper me so much, buying me all those useless junks.

Just because we don't understand what our heavenly Father is thinking right now, doesn't mean that we cannot just trust Him and follow whatever He wants us to do.
Have we not even entrusted Him with our lives and all that we live for?

It's true that sometimes it's frustrating when our prayers are not answered with a yes, but do we not know from experience that He is always on our side, eager to bless us with good gifts?
Are His plans not for our good, did He not come so that we can have life, and have it even more abundantly?

Is He not a God who laughs with joy, and grants joy to His children that they may be roaring with joyful laughters?

Lord, Lord,
Help me to continue to trust in You even when I think that my ways are higher than Yours, even when I'm so prideful.
Help me to understand what it means to be humble before Your majesty, and be in awe with Your wondrous works.
Help me Lord to be an even better person, not by my might, not by my power, and not even by my own effort, but by Your Spirit.

Bring to my remembrance of how Your plans are for the best, my own can never compare.
Bring to my remembrance of how smooth things would go whenever You're in charge.
Bring to my remembrance of how awesome things would be whenever Your hands start working.

Even when my heart is breaking, enable me to hold on to Your promises;
Even when my soul is melting, allow me to hold on to Your robe of grace,
Even when I'm trembling with fear and anticipation and worries, let Your rain wash over me.

For who is greater than Thou?

For who can we even turn to, if not Thee?

For who have we in heaven, but You?

For Your ways are higher than my ways, and Your thoughts higher than my thoughts.

reconciliation

Can we Christians of various denomination find it in our heart to be reconciled to Christ and to each other?

Are you not tired of the various additional doctrines laid by the various priests, pastors, theologians, and such?

I know that our daily life is not so simple and there are a lot of things that needs clarification.

But why can't we just agree on the very basic of being a Christian?
Can we be brave enough to reject the doctrine that is established by men that is found in the denomination we belonged to?
Can we stop condemning cults but would instead bring them back in reconciliation with the simplistic nature of Christianity?

I'm tired of branding people to various denominations and cult groups.
I'm tired of us having debating among ourselves about geneologies and practices that we deem "important."
I'm tired of us talking bad about other denomination behind their back.
I'm tired of us thinking that we're correct in everything and others are not.
I'm tired of people thinking that everything is so relative, and that anything can be correct.
Don't you know that this way of thinking is contradictory in itself?
I'm tired of people interpreting what people say the way they think the person is saying, rather than what the person is really trying to say.

Sometimes it's funny that we're so "fundamental," but lacking in love.
Sometimes it's funny that we know the Bible like the back of our hand, but have no idea who God is.
Sometimes it's funny that while we're laughing at the unbiblical practises of other denominations, we are actually doing the same thing.
Sometimes it's funny that we preach about love, but we hate each other.

Can we each take responsibility, understanding that whichever denomination or "cult" groups we're in, we have a big role to play.
Can we be brave enough to reject the unbiblical doctrines and teachings from our circle of brethren, and to preserve Christ in Christianity?

Remember that your mentors, pastors, or your favourite theologians or bible scholars are human too. Do not raise them to the level of God, deeming that they're infallible.

Can we find it in our faith to reconcile ourselves back to each other, and to Christ, to compromise thing that can be compromised, while being firm in things that cannot be tolerated?

I admire God-loving people, pastors, theologians, bible scholars, but I can't help but be sad whenever they make a fool out of themselves in the things they do whenever they rely on their own seemingly intellectual self.

Whoever you might be, can I urge you, or even beg you that you take up the responsibility to declare of Christ's love to all, through words and through actions?
Would you please bring Christ back to Christmas?
Would you please bring Christ back to your Christian gatherings?
Would you please bring Christ back to your Church?
Would you please bring Christ back to your own Christian faith?

Our Christ will never die in vain, for are we not here, prepared to go all out for Him?

May Jesus help us to avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.

Thus, speak Lord, for we your servant hears.

pathway

Most people decide that in life, they should be on the pathway to marriage, unless if they're called otherwise.

For me, we should be on the pathway to celibacy, unless if we're called to get married.

So actually, my thinking and theirs does not differ much. We're just approaching the same issue from the opposite end.

regrets

Many people often say that they do not regret the mistakes they did, for it shaped them to be who they currently are.

I used to echo a similar set of words;
But I no longer do.

For the major decisions I made, for the things that goes wrong, I regret it.
While making that decision, I understand the possibility of what it can turn out to be.
But that does not render me invulnerable to feeling regretful.

Those are the things I've decided, and understanding that allows me to live my life with those regrets on my shoulders, instead of dragging me down to death.

For all the wrong things that I've done, truly they shape me, they mould me.
But if there's ever any other way that I could become who I am without making those mistakes, I would very much prefer them.

Sadly, that's not how life works.

There are things that are avoidable with careful planning and preparation, but there are also things that are inevitable.

So, no matter how much I regret them, I still have to live with them. It's my responsibility to carry them on my shoulders, using them as reminder, to enable me to be a better person, if God wills.

I regret the things I regret, and would really like to have it any other way if it's possible; but it's not.

That is just how life has to be, and I need to live it through as responsibly as I can.

For the hearts that I've hurt, I'm sorry;
For the words that I've said wrongly, I'm sorry;
For the wrong things done, I'm sorry;

Apology is all I have to offer, and a promise to be a better person in the future is all I can give.

May perfection is what God intends for me, and for whatever plans that He has for me, be it good in my eyes or not, may I be able to live through it faithfully.

If gold can be extracted from the ore without having to pass through the fire, would it not have chosen so?

But that's just not how things work, and all we can do is to persevere through different predicaments, while allowing God to guide us.
May He supply us with strength, and enable us to be better, as we focus on reaching His perfection.

"Dear Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, let it be done not what I will, but what You will."

Thank You for Your Love;
Thank You for the wonderful plan that you have for us; one for good and not for bad;
Thank You that You are still Who You were, and that You will continue to be Who You are, for eternity.
For the lovingkindness and mercy and forgiveness, what can we do apart from praising Your Name with all our might?
Thank You for no longer calling us servants, but friends;
Thank You for not treating us like slaves, but sons and daughters;
Thank You Lord for pulling us from the depths of hell, to be seated at Your table in heaven, in joy and in truth, in love and in peace.

friendship

Isn't our presence supposed to be an encouragement to another?

But why is it that it's us that drives people away, to discourage them from ever wanting to be living together?

For my friends who are annoyed at my nature of liking to wander off alone, I'm sorry, but you've gotta live with it.
If you can't accept me for being who I am, and wanting to change me, then you're not being much of a friend to me. But being your friend is what I have chosen to be, and will continue to be, even when we're no longer near.

Is going solo bad?
Is lone wolf-ing wrong?

Just so you know, you're not the only people I interact with, if you have yet to notice.

I talk to lecturers, fellow classmates, the guy who sells me drink, my housemates (awfully a lot), christian friends, non-christian friends, and a lot more.

And I'm not the kind that would just tell someone, or lash out whenever I dislike a certain behaviour belonging to anyone.

I deal with it by talking to God, and by wandering off alone, seeing this world, meeting and talking to strangers, seeing the poor, and observing people who are so busy with their life.
It makes me realise that I am inadequate too, though at times I just stubbornly refuse to admit and choose to be angry.

If I were to go out with any of you, such things I can never do, and experience. I admit that there are also things that I can do only when I'm with you all, and for that reason, we do hang out quite a bit too right?

And I do not want to live by how people want me to live. I do not want to yield to people's expectations, I refuse to live by your rules and for that, I am sorry.

If you like and love me for who I am, let me be, but do correct me when I am wrong, truly wrong, and not just because I'm not doing things your way.

And sorry too that my friendship is unlike that of others. I'm not the kind that'll fly a drink from somewhere far for you, nor am I someone who calls you and say hi and chat about a lot of things every now and then, and I'm definitely not the kind that is able to hang out casually and just converse.

My friendship is the kind that lets you know that I am always here for you, whenever you are in need of help of any kind. My friendship is the kind that just pops some flowery lines to you if I am able to see that you're down, without wanting to probe further. My friendship is the kind that says sorry whenever I say too much, and running off most of the time, not wanting to hurt you even further.

An acquaintance of mine once said that I am disallowing people from enjoying my friendship, but I think, my friendship is the kind that you wouldn't wanna have. You can brand me emo, sad, pessimistic or whatever for this remark, but it's not.
If you've already know me, know that I'll try my best to hurt you less, and be more of a blessing to you. I'll try not to spoil your day with uncontrolled words, or doing stupid things.

To you, my dear friends, I can't just go on telling you that I love you a lot and do nothing, for I understand that it is through action and deeds that the feeling from within is expressed.
But just because I don't love you the way you want me to, doesn't mean that I don't.

I have made the decision to be your friend, and there are not many things that can change that. For the friendship that I have given, I require no reciprocation for it, and I do not expect any rewards, apart from seeing your smile and your joy in life.

Forgive me for my inability to live up to your expectations, and forgive me for I am not worthy of your friendship; I only know that you're worth mine.

conclusion

The question of whether anyone's heart is bound to me, or mine to someone is irrelevant;

For I have yet to be worthy to take hold of a maiden's hand.

thankful praises

Praises be to You,
The wonderful God who goes beyond all understanding,
The awesome God whose goodness is without end,
The great God who loves, and never stop loving.

Thank You,
For the results that is well, even while not up to my hope, it was still well, despite my shortcomings, despite my imperfection.

Thank You,
For the life that is still within me,
That I'm not yet dead,
Let me not die of a worthless death,
But if I were to die, let it be in Your arms, while I am living for You.

Thank You,
For the friends I am given,
For the blessings that they are,
Though at times, I am unworthy of their company.

Thank You,
For all the times You make me smile,
Remind me of my vows,
To not let ANYTHING to ever take away the happiness that I have,
To not be bothered by discouragements,
And to always, be joyful in Your presence, in Your love.

Thank You,
For the life plans that I have in mind,
If I were to ever live that long,
Thank you for allowing me to see farther,
Through my failure, through my shortcomings.

Thank You,
For revealing Your will to us at the time it's supposed to be,
Not earlier, not later,
For enabling us to see Your plans for what it is,
For not having us as Your servants anymore, but friends.

Thank You,
For wonders shown,
Small ones that are greater than the larger ones,
For blessings poured,
For a life, given to be lived even more abundantly,
Overflowing, our heart cannot contain the love that You have for us.

Thank You,
With unworthy words,
It cannot perfectly describe Your goodness,
Words cannot say it all,

Only through our deeds, that we give it back to You,
Only through the things we do, that we can ever say that we love You too.

in current best

At times, when we are faced with a certain issue to be solved, we tend to suspect something so strongly, that we wouldn't even consider other possibilities.

But then again, even if we are to allow ourselves to be more open to other possible causes, would it even help?

I was fixing my dad's computer, because the newly installed CRT monitor flickers uncontrollably, at the right side of the screen.
At first, I was so sure that it was because of the fixed refresh rate of 60Hz that was causing it to behave so.
I changed the screen resolution, and was able to increase the refresh rate. The flickering was reduced, but it was still there.
It seems like there was nothing else I could do, so I considered the problem solved, though unsatisfied.

Today, I found out that it was not the refresh rate that was causing the flickering, but rather the UPS that was placed just beside the monitor.

Would I have solved the problem sooner if I were to allow myself to think of other causes?

Or will it still be the same, but only causing me to be more stressed and unable to concentrate?

I can never answer these questions, for I only know that it is after what I did at first that I was able to figure out the real solution.

To start solving something, I need to at least start somewhere, no?

Does it matter if my first attempt was the correct one?

For even in scientific discoveries, it is through continuous trials that one is able to find something new, something useful.

Should I regret the time spent on the wrong attempts, or should I rejoice for it is through my mistakes that I was able to get it right afterwards?

For now, many of these questions lie unanswered, but what I truly understand is that if I was trying to be sensitive to all the possible sources of a problem, I can never know which unless I start working on the nearest possibility.
I can ponder forever, but I will never ever know.

Sometimes we look back at our mistakes, and wonder whether the time spent on it was worth it, we wonder whether it was worth regretting?

One cannot know the future, except God alone.
If there's anything we can do, it is to act in accordance to the best current knowledge that we possess, and to give our best in carrying it through.

Whether it'll fail or not, that's another story.

And keep in mind that it's also important to wait for God, no matter how urgent a matter may seem.
As to what waiting for God means, that I leave to your own study. :)

I hope no matter what you do, that you'll firstly commit it to Him, give it the best you can in accordance to your best current ability and judgement, and after that letting go and not worry of the outcome, for it is useless to worry for something you cannot know and do anything about.

May you be blessed knowing who is God, and knowing that He holds the works of your hands. :)

untitled

I dislike my habit of clinging hard unto the hand that pulls me along.

I totally hate it.

regrets

Yesterday, I had regrets.

A surprising amount of regrets in a single day.

My exam. I could only answer 3 out of the supposedly 4. Why you ask? Because I wasn't serious enough about it. I didn't know that another chapter exists.
For the first time ever, I left the exam hall 30 minuntes earlier.
For the first time ever, as far as I can remember, I regretted my unseriousness.

My laughter. Sometimes, I laugh way too much. I regret it. Many times I regret laughing for the sake of laughing. Many times I hoped that I was able to keep a calm face, and just present a smile once in a while.
My laughter, they shouldn't exist.

My knowledge. My enthusiasm. May they be deeply concealed within me, not be shown, not be displayed.
Most of the time I feel inferior when I think I've given the wrong answer, when I've said something too soon without verifying them.
And I go all the way to prove that I am right, only to find my ego at the end of my find.

I rather that not. I rather feeling inferior, than feeling superior. I rather esteem others more than myself than esteem myself more than others.
The pain to suppress an ego is much much more than the sadness of inferiority. I do not want to look at others with these pair of prideful eyes. I do not wanna see myself with this egoistical heart.

Often, I forget that in mistakes, I am liberated. By being wrong, I am free.

How, you ask?

I am liberated from the bonds that entangles me, to have me be correct all the time.

I am free from the chains that binds me, from the need to live up to other people's expectations.

I forget that in shame I lose much, but that is when God is able to reside within me.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

I shall stop here, because I have no idea what I'm writing anymore. One hour sleep for the whole day, and here I am still, not taking my rest. I shall, I shall.

But one thing I learn from yesterday that I wish to share is that I found out that regrets from little little incidents linger and holds stronger in my heart.

There are times I regret being a christian.
But I don't think I ever regret the day God found me.
That was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and will always be.

I wanna get baptised, but for now, I need to clear some doubts that lingers in my heart. But where can I find such person with such refined knowledge, where can I find a person whose heart's truth is not swayed by questions?

So, for now Lord, I wait, I wait.

sufficient

What is this sadness?
This little cry from within,
I recognise not.

You understand, Lord.
Only You do, and only You will.

Words cannot describe,
humanly comfort will not suffice.

There is a longing to just break down and cry,
There is a wanting to just shout out and scream.
For no reason,
or for a reason that was forcefully forgotten.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

It's buried deep within me.
Its existence, denied.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

Only You understand, Lord.
Only You suffice,
only You suffice.

unspeak

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Are the things said wrongly said,
Or they shouldn't have been said at all?

Why am I required to speak,
When my silence would do us good?

Why are honesty seeked,
If it hurts so well?

Why should we talk,
When there's nothing to be said,
Except for a pool of emotions,
Laying dormant, lying hidden;
Unconveyed, incommunicated?

Why do we force a chat,
And say all the wrong things?

Can we not speak with silence,
Can we not talk without words?

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Sleepless nights are to be expected,
Worries and anxieties, rejoices.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Why is it honestly spoken,
When it is bound to hurt?

Why do we even want to know,
When we understand the possibility of being hurt,
When we understand the possibility of being sad.

Will the regrets of not knowing,
Be harder to bear?

Curiosity kills the cat,
But to not know, regret.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

i miss...

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Kurindu mengatakan bahawa,
hanya Engkau yang 'kan kubawa,
s'panjang hidupku.

B'rapa lama kan ku tinggal begini,
tanganku ditegah dari mencapai,
Dan di sana Kau menanti,
dengan kegemilangan dan keagunganMu,
menanti saatku tiba,
menanti saatku pulang,
dari larianku.

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Dengan seluruh jiwa dan hayatku,
aku cinta padaMu,
Kan ku nyanyikan lagu indah untuk dengaranMu,
dan dari bibirku mazmur untukMu,
Kata kata manis yang menyatakan,
bahawa aku cinta padaMu.

everyday

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
Each day is something hard to live by,
Why why, should you ask,
It's because I had to deal much with people,
Your people.

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
That in my prayers,
Even if I don't get what I want,
I can still trust You for the best,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
and not the people that think they're the one who should be.

Lord Lord,
Each day I call You Lord,
In my prayers while walking to campus,
Everytime before I taste my meal,
When I pray for my friends, and together,
But it's funny how,
The more I ask try to visualize You,
The more I realise that I know little of You,
When I thought I knew a lot.

Lord Lord,
Even though I can see that I know You not,
My hands, they are heavy to reach to Your words,
To the well-accepted Scriptures,
Even now, I don't really understand what they are,
Questions Lord, questions in my heart is building up,
About how You truly work,
Everything I've seem to already know,
You have crush it down,
To pieces Lord, to pieces.

Lord Lord,
How can I share of Your goodness,
If I know You not?
I know You are good,
but that's all there is that I know of.
Who are You, really?
Even when I say I do love You,
It's amazing that I know You not,
I know You not.

Lord Lord,
Why is it that my memories seem to be fading away,
My recollections aren't gathering together,
They are fleeing away.
My eyes are being blinded again,
Or is it that it's only now that I know I see clearly not?


Lord Lord,
I can talk to people about who You really are,
of the rightful doctrines of the orthodoxy Christianity,
And of the speculative beliefs of various denominations,
But why is it that I seem to know You not,
I seem to know You not?
My heart yearn to seek You out,
but my hands are weary,
To seek You out again,
my mind is weary,
Tired of the necessity of a repeated toil,
To get to know You again,
again Lord.

Lord Lord,
Has my mind been darkened,
By all the things that I have done,
That are not rightful in Your sight.
Or is this the reason You forbade me to ever touch it?
Knowing that the more I bathe in it,
The more chances I have,
To get my senses dulled,
My sights dimmed,
and my mind darkened?

Lord Lord,
I have vowed,
To never set my heart upon the beauty of a woman,
For as long as I am not worthy,
Not worthy of such a gift,
Not able of such a responsibility,
But for what have I said such things,
For what I have promised such an obscure thing?
And when the day comes that I understand no more,
Remind me Lord,
Remind me Lord.

Lord Lord,
Why do I feel so judged,
To know that no matter what I do,
There will always be a mistake,
A mistake Lord,
That might be as unforgiveable as it might be,
That might be a stumbling block,
That might be a blocking wall, Lord.
Everyday,
Is hard to live by,
With so many expectation, to and from.

Lord Lord,
Everyday is hard to live by,
With so many choices,
My eyes are blurred,
From knowing what is right,
From knowing what is true,
The heaviness of having to consult You in everything,
And even so, it might not be right afterall,
Do you speak with such certainty to me, still?
How should I know if it is You who whispers to me, Lord?
Even when I think You speak,
Even so, there might still be fault,
And these Lord, these will be judged.
I will be condemned, Lord.

Lord Lord,
Who am I to go to,
When the night is still,
When the day is quietened?
Let me not lean towards my friends and my foes,
Let me not seek to be fulfilled by their presence.

Lord Lord,
Don't send them always,
Don't.
I do not wish to be fulfilled by their friendship,
Nor their companionship.
Because I'll forget of You Lord,
I'll get so comfortable I'll forget about You Lord.
Because I had once done so, and it was so.

Lord Lord,
Let my comfort be You,
The cover of my loneliness,
The cover of my helplessness,
The cover of my emptiness.
Don't send friends always Lord, don't send them always.
Let Holy Spirit be my comforter, let Him be.
Let Him satisfy my soul, that I thirst no more.
I wish not to be dependent,
To anyone else other than You,
other than You, Lord.

Lord Lord,
I know love enough not -
To speak when one is wrong.
I know love enough not -
To rebuke when one is strayed.
I know love enough not -
By being silent when I should speak.
I know love enough not -
By being supportive when I should not?
I know love enough not -
By not judging when I should?
Which way to go, what things to do.

Lord Lord,
Is love not judging all the time?
Is love being supportive in all things?
Is love not saying anything when something is thought to be wrong?
Is love fearful of being judged after speaking while being imperfect ourselves?
Am I loving by not pointing out mistakes?
Am I loving when defending when I know of the wrong?

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
Everyday is hard to live by,
In the eyes of the people,
The works of my hands is imperfect,
My history dug out to my shame,
The world is unforgiving,
It is cruel.
No matter how perfect I am Lord,
I will never be in their eyes.

Lord Lord,
Make me understand Lord,
That You wish me to live peaceably with all,
Not to please,
Not to please Lord.
Let Thy will be done,
Not mine,
Not theirs,
Not anyone else's, but Thy will be done.
Even when it goes against mine so hurtful and heartbreaking,
Even when it goes against theirs to bring about scornful looks and harsh remarks,
Let me learn to accept Thy will,
And let me trust Lord, let me trust in Thy will,
For Thee know it all,
Thee know it all.

Lord Lord,
Praises be to You,
of the greatness of Your will,
And the wonder of Your grace.
Your comfort falls like dew in the dark of the night,
Soft and slow.
Teach me to endure the heat of the day,
To wait upon Your comfort Lord,
And Your will,
For perfection is not in an instance, but is one with the essence of time.

Lord Lord,
Teach my heart,
That it'll be still in wait of You,
In complete trust of Your plans,
In full acceptance of Your will,
For even if it goes against mine,
I know that it's always made with me in mind,
With me in mind.

trials

I once heard a story about a lecturer asking his students to mark their own papers after giving them a written test. While marking, they wonder whether he'd be worried that they'll cheat. When they wanted to hand over the checked paper to him, he told them to keep it. The test wasn't for him to see how well they are doing, but was instead for they themselves to know it.

When we face trials, and have to decide whether to be obedient or to follow our own passion or desire, I'm pretty sure God already knows what we'll be doing. Then why are these trials still given to us, if He's already know how well we'll fare?

I, probably more than others, am one who hates to be tested of my sincerity and knowledge. Nothing annoys me more than when someone asks questions pretending not knowing just to see how much I know.

'When I say that I love You, are you doubting me?'
'Shouldn't You be trusting my words, the words of tears filled with promises and vows I made to You, instead of testing me to see whether they're worth as much as I said they are?'
'Don't You believe me when I said I would go to the lengths just for You?'

'Why do you put me in a situation where I have to choose between me and You?'

"No, I'm not allowing you to be in trials and tribulations so that I can see if you really meant what you said."
"Instead, I want you to see for yourself whether you really meant what you've said."
"I've already know what you'll do."
"These are for you to see for yourself if you really understands what you're saying, and understand it enough to do it."
"It's all for your sake, not Mine."

-Trial is not something God uses to measure your performance, but rather for you to see for yourself how much you really meant by what you've said.-

Thank You Lord for trials, for decisions to be made, for tribulations to go through, for freedom to choose, for freewill, and for Your forgiveness of our wrong choices.

Thank You.

vacation

Have you ever felt anxiety from something uncertain, that it could stop you in your track, creating an illusion that you're occupied to the max?

And have you ever felt you can't waste even a few minutes to sit down, relax and to think the matter over because you can use those time to work, even when you don't really know what you're so busy about?

For now, I feel uncertain about certain matter, even though it's over it haunts me. Yet, I can easily rid myself of this worries by just spending a few minutes pondering about it, to analyze the situation, and to make a firm decision of what to do and what not to do.

But I don't. Why is it so, I can't really figure out. Prolly because I like being intoxicated in this kind of air, to worry to my patience's brim, to feel like I'm spending precious moments in something that is worth doing.

It makes me feel good and bad at the same time that it's extremely paradoxical.

And sometimes I do wonder about the decisions I make. Should I be firmer to say no, and be slower to say yes?

If I really think that I wouldn't be of much help, to be assigned to a task that's not my forte, should I really strongly voice out a 'no'?

Or to just follow through, that I might be able to help?

But if I were to be so, wouldn't I be sitting in a place of someone who would've been able to do much more?

Am I really trying to help, or just trying to satisfy my ego and my pride? But what is there to satisfy?

There are times when I do wonder about the decisions and stands that I make, what am I trying to prove by the things I do?

Is this really for You Lord, or is it for myself?

The decision to stand through with a person, to be a support pillar even when they're making a bad and wrong choice. Is that trust, is that faith, or is it self-gratification?

The decision to be against the norm of Your people, to be against structural and organizational churches, to be so rebellious in the eyes of others. Is this faith, or is it because I understand of Your freedom that You gave us by dying on the cross, or am I just stubborn?

The decision to be philosophical in most things, to seek the very core of an issue rather than just looking on the surface. Am I really seeking to understand, or am I just seeking to be different?

The decision to follow through my extreme views on the blood relations of a family, of racial and ethnic differences and political matters. Are these just a method to excuse myself from the society-made responsibilities?

The decision to remove myself from stepping in too deep in my circle of friends; to not be in any clique;
The decision to disallow any of my friends from getting too close to me. Is it because I fear of disappointments, or is it because I do not want to receive anyone's pity?

The decision to drown myself in works, my assignments, taking extra courses. Are these really taken for self-improvement, or are they just medium to withdraw from people, to not think about other matters in life?

Ah, all these questions are jumbling up.
I guess I really need a lone vacation soon. :)

Grace-ful strength

Have you ever put a shirt in a bucket of water with other clothes, only to find out that it's colour-stained?
The kind that you can't think of other things to do with it other than to throw it away, to use it as a mat, or to totally bleach it.
And you've just wore it like, once?

Have you ever fell for no reason at all where you scrapped your right knee and left abdomen and left elbow and three fingers?
Where it could've been resulted in you breaking your new wrist-watch that you've just wore like, a few times?
Or worse even, crash your head unto the tar road and get an internal bleeding and brain damage?

Have you ever been so worried because you might be barred from final exam just because you were chose to be rebellious for a certain period of time and have exhausted your class-missing quota?


I couldn't hold back my tears just now when I went to collect my shirt and found out that most of the colour stain is gone.
I don't remember whether I asked God for this favour, I prolly did, but what's important here is I can't see why I deserve such grace.
Yes, it's a small matter, but I do not need to receive such undeserving favour in huge issues to know that my God is good.

Yes, this God that I threw away for sin, this God that I've insulted in my choices many, many times.

And my wounds are healing, and they are healing well.
I never thought I'd miss how nice it was to have a proper bathe, to be able to clean the toilet or the frying pan without worrying that your wounds would get infected.

If this little scar hurts, how painful was the stripes He beared on the day He was crucified?

I don't know whether I'll be barred from my final exam, but I know that there's always a price to be paid for disobedience.
I also know that the many instructions and commandments and advices He gave, not because He wanted to hold us slaves, or to make us enjoy life lesser; it was so that we can enjoy life to the fullest.

This I knew but I do not heed. Now it is time to be drowned in worries of the outcome.

But I do know that "all things work together for the good of those who love God, for those who are the called, according to their purposes."
I do not know whether I can say that I am a person who love God to have all things work together for me, but I also do know that "He knows the plans that He has for me, plans for good and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11.

And I pray that He enables me to be even more disciplined - for me to do the right things at the time they are hard to do.
I can easily take a shortcut solution to rid this worries from within me, but it's not rightful.

So, whatever comes, let me brave them in faith, and in hope, and in trust.

For now, I'll sing praises of hope and thanksgiving to Him, in my worries and my hope.

--Lord, won't You give me strength to make it through somehow;
I've never been more homesick than now. - MercyMe:Homesick--

in anticipation

I can cry a thousand tears,
for all the regrets I have in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I've let go of Your hand when I should've hold on tighter than ever.

I can kneel a thousand times,
for all the regrets I feel in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I turn away from Your presence when You wanted me to stay.

I can say a thousand sorry,
for all the regrets I hold in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I betrayed You when You only have me to be Your defense.

I can tell You that I love You, with tears in my eyes and soberness in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I spat at Your feet and insulted Your honour whenever the time comes for me to prove of the love I've said earlier.

I can tell You that I love You, with all sincerity I have, with every dignity I have,
but it'll never change the fact that I hurt You where it hurts the most, that I stepped on Your heart after breaking it into pieces.

While I've promised myself that I will never apologize for being who I am, I am sorrowful of doing things I will not to do, doing things I'm not supposed to do.

For every failure in every trial, for forgetting of who You are to me, for forgetting my love for You and Yours for me.

I yearn greatly for the day when I'll be able to be like who You are.
If I were to follow my heart, how I wish the day that I'll be perfected to be now, to be this very moment.

But for the very least that I know about You, I know that that this is never how it goes.

Thank You that Your love is not measured by how many tears I drop for You;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how worthy I am;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how faithful I am;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by what I do;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how good I am.

Thank You that Your love is as high as the heavens above, as deep as the ocean below.

Enable me to be stronger than this, better than this,
That my feet shall dance graceful steps that brings joy to Your heart,
That my voice shall sing sweet songs of praise to fill Your throne,
That I shall hear You say, "this is My friend; with him I am well pleased, for He is faithful and loving; he is My brother."

"Complement my piano playing, until the day when I'll be able to play it as good as You are; and when I have, I shall play for You beautiful pieces that will bring soothing melody to Your ears, and a smile to Your face."

I shall wait. In sorrow and in joy, in hatred and in love.

Godspeed

I'm pouring away,
I'm pouring away.

This feelings that has been welling up in this little heart of mine, has seem to overflow.

My heart cannot contain it,
It can no longer do.

There are so many things that I can imagine myself do if you were there to hold my hand, to provide me with reassurance, undying support and courage.
I can see myself as being able to be more than who I am, if you were to be behind me,
Pushing me when I'm staying put,
To bear my weight when I'm letting go and falling free,
And to affirm my faith when it is weak.

But I guess we can no longer be or rather, I can no longer do.

We've chatted so much that I rather not look at its history anymore.
I can never ever get used to be around you.
And this feelings, I understand no more.

From here I pour out my heart, letting every drop of affection run freely through the ground, every single thing I can never dream of letting go.

From here I'll find reassurance from heaven.
From here I'll find support from God, and from friends.
And from here I'll find courage from above, and from within.

It's not like I care not for you anymore. I still do. In a different way, perhaps.
I wish for your happiness, that you'll truly, one day be with a person God has destined for you.
I hope you'll be joyful, every single day if you may, dancing graceful steps for the Lord, and to Him alone.
In your every victory, let praises be given to the only One who is worthy of the words of your lips.
In your despair and grief, may you be clothed with divine comfort, may you be soothed with a consolation no mortal can provide.
And whenever you needed a friend, remember that I'll always be around; for as long as my breath is still within me, I will do my very best to come to your aid, to tend to your needs.

But for now,
To you my dear friend,
Goodbye,
and Godspeed.

not mine, but Yours

My heart sinks within me Lord,
Yearning to be released.

Confession is just a word away,
To send my grief adrift.

But yet Lord,
Let Your will be done, and not mine.

For I trust in Your purposeful plans,
I trust in the goodness of the work of Your hands.

For I've seen the beauty of Your path,
My plans cannot dream to compare.

Confession is just a word away,
To send my grief adrift.

But yet Lord,
Let Your will be done, and not mine.

extras

Is it important it is to involve God in a relationship? Very.

For those who has recognize God as their comforter in life, they should also realise that He is also the comforter in their humanly relationship.

One should not look upon their partner as the ultimate comfort, but a secondary one.

Why? Because everybody has their way of showing their love and care.

No matter how close they are to us, no matter how long they've been with us, often, they can never match up to our expectation unless of course, you're the 'god/goddess' of their life.

So, there'll always be time when they'll fall short, and be unable to provide comfort nor support.
When that happens, no matter how well established the relationship is, because we expect such things from them and they are not able to fulfill it, we tend to look for other people who can.

Relationship, if established and cultivated solely for selfish purposes, is just another problem waiting to happen, needlessly increasing the number of social problem that's already abundant.

Of course one would seek and expect love and care and comfort and support from their partner, but one shouldn't be totally, entirely dependent on each other; because we're humans and we're not perfect.

Always remember how fragile our life and our feelings are. Cherish every moment together, never take each other for granted, and always be honest. This privilege is only available on this side of life, and not beyond.
And always remember that the it is for God that we live, and while the rest is important, is still secondary and is entirely God-given extras.

drifting away

Almost fleeting, you.
Nearly gone, it is,
Drifting away into the unknown.

And I thank God for that.

the end

Some people says that knowing the beginning is not important because to attempt to reach the end is of more significance.

But think, if you don't even know anything about the beginning, how would you know that there's an end?

For example, it is somehow true that when an arrow struck you near the heart, the question of where it comes from, what is it made of and other stuff is of no importance. But if you don't know what kind of arrow it is, or whether it is made of certain type of metal, or whether it is imbued with poison, your initial attempt to save yourself is nothing but worthless and vain.

But then again, that example's not good enough to convey what I'm trying to say. Perhaps an example with a snake would be better.

Bah, nevermind, I think you got my point.

an afternoon warmth

The cause of my heartache,
Almost everytime you come to my mind.

Being so far away,
Like the breeze of the afternoon wind,
That always just passes by.

The very reason to my sleepless nights.
You.

But amidst all these that you've undeliberately caused to fall upon me, I'm glad I met you.
I really do.

Know that it is because of you that my smiles are more frequently seen.
Know that it is because of you that I wanted to know more people; in attempt to visit the world you're living in, in attempt to see what you're seeing through your pair of lovely eyes.
Know that it is because of you that I've finally come to accept my social responsibility, to start sharing the salt and the light I've been keeping selfishly.
And know that it is because of you that I can finally define what love really is.

And yes, it is true that God is the basic motivation and model in my strive to become a better person, but there are a lot of pieces of me that I've gathered from what you've been to me, from who you are to me.

And it is also because of you that my previous year was filled with much excitement, with many interesting events.
I thought it'd be dull when my sister left, but it was not so.

And it is also because of your support and your friendship that I was able to stay whole, that I was not swept away by the waves that fell in.

Your existence has become something that is truly precious to me, something that I truly cherish with every little bit of passion I have within me; being the very reason I'm reluctant to go to bed at night, being the very reason I look forward to daybright.

So, truly, thank you for being who you are, a woman who pours out her life to Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Thank you for living out your life with such passion, with such joy.
Your very life is an encouragement to me; it speaks with voices louder than words.

Continue to live your life, full and well. And continue faithfully in the Lord, for I can see that for all it's worth, He has adorned you with many fine things, both that can be seen and those that can only be felt, making you the beauty that you are.

And it is that very beauty that I've come to like, adore, and love.

a still morning

I've been wishing for a rainy and cloudy day that I've forgotten how beautiful a cool and bright day could be.

Rays of light pierces through the windowpane, breeze of air flowing by, bringing my soul to a peaceful still.

It is simply a Godsent.

complications

To the living, life can be complicated or simple or both.
To the dead, death is the same to all.

Being humans, most of the time, we complicated simple matters. It's true that some things can never be simple, but there are also things that shouldn't be complicated.

Why we do the things we do, to make things more difficult? Probably it's because of pride that we have? Or is it for romance? Or because we simply like it to be so?

Misunderstandings can be cleared with a simple heart-to-heart explanation.
Problems can be solved with a sincere sorry, and a forgiving heart.
Life can be continued with a mere confession of the heart.

There are things that we can afford to left floating and entangled, but there are also things we shouldn't.

Why should we let it be stagnant, growing bad and smelly till we have to walk away, till we have to run away?

Or perhaps we evaluate things too much, allowing more time to pass, increasing the variables in it like it's not already enough?

"Hear me out."
"I'm sorry."
"I love you."

But then again, even though I believe honesty is good, sometimes, silence works better.

Everytime I look up to a starry night sky, I began to think of how puny we humans are. How small is the troubles we go through day by day compared to the whole wide universe.

And probably only at the face of death that even the most arrogant person would throw away their pride for what really matters in their life.

untitled

Can someone tell me that it's not my fault that things go this way?

Can anyone tell me that it's not my fault it happened.

Can you tell me that it's not my fault that I feel this way.

But I do not seek comforting words, nor encouragement from a friend.
I just want someone to show me, to prove to me that it is indeed not my fault, I'm not to be held responsible for the mishap.

I just don't know what to do anymore, but to sit here, to lament in self-pity.

maybe

Just a little bit courage is all I need to brave the innumerable possibilites, and that little bit of courage is what I don't have. Or have yet to have. Or will never have.

Or maybe courage is not something that is waited upon, or gained but rather a decision to do something even with fear clinging all over.

Or maybe I just don't want to risk it because it'll disturb my current tranquil, it'll upset the balance of my everyday life and be troublesome.

And sometimes, thoughts like that makes me wonder whether I am a person possessing a cold, solidified heart.

Or maybe it's just my inability to at least imagine what would most probably take place, what to do, what to expect.

Or maybe it's just my feeling of insecurity, having to open up and be known.

It's like being a book with an interesting cover and having a summary at the back that arouses curiosity, but as the pages are flipped it is realised that the book isn't so interesting after all.
Full of flaws,
Full of shortcomings,
Just another book that does not deserve to be on a shelf and having a worth that only amounts to being a fireplace fuel.

I'm not all pessimistic, I am only almost never optimistic when it comes to relationship with people.
To worry over every single words said,
To worry over every single gesture shown,
Continually wondering whether I've presented myself well before people.

Like some people commented, it's good to think things through, but when you over-do it, you end up stuck like me, and it doesn't feel good at all.
Sometimes it does, but most of the time it's no fun at all.

almost over you

I'm almost over you.

After all these while,
After all these time,

I think that somehow,
I'm able to place this picture of yours,
Out from the back of my mind,
To be on the table, with the rest of the pictures there is.

I've decided to stop wallowing in despair,
For such things is like an attempt to grasp the wind,
An attempt that is without end.

I've decided to not love to such extent,
And limit it to the border of friendship instead,
Because it is what it's made to be.

So, now, truly, I'm almost over you.

heaven

Heaven.

What goes on your mind whenever the word is mentioned?
What do you think heaven really is?

A place where good people go?
A place where people who've done many good things settle in and enjoy for the rest of eternity?

That's the common understanding of heaven among the people, but I never quite figure out the reason why they'd think that way.

Has anyone ever went to heaven and came back to say what heaven really is?
Even if there is, how can they know the reason to the existence of that place?

If not, why would they have a concept that people who do good things or people who are good gets rewarded by being able to live off their eternity in a place that's without suffering, a place of eternal goodness?
And why would they even think that there's something more after death?

But by looking into the Bible, it seems to be implied that heaven is a place where people who wants to be with God for the rest of eternity settles. It's a *place* where people who adore God be able to have fellowship and communion with Him.

When christian says only those who believe in God will go to heaven, they're not implying that the rest of the people are bad people, that they don't deserve to enjoy "goodness" after death.
If heaven is a place where God has made for people who wants to be with Him to be in, why should anyone who scorns at the thought of being with God be placed together with God? It goes against his wish to be treated so right?

I believe it is important for christian to really believe that at the end of their days, they're really going to be in heaven, to be with God for the rest of eternity.

If you're a christian and does not have such assurance, is it because you lack the understanding of the basis to your salvation?
If you think you're undeserving, that you're not good enough, it's not an issue at all. There is no one that's good enough to be with God no matter how many "good" things we try to do. Our merits, they're like dirty rags in His sight, we always do fall short.

But we do not attain the right to be with Him by our own righteousness, by being good enough, but instead, we are made able to be with Him because of His righteousness, because He's good enough.

To believe that we're forgiven of our sinful nature and sinful doings, the moment we accept the fact that He came and died for our sins instead;
To come before Him and say that you truly wanted to remain close to Him, to be with Him for the rest of your life, and beyond.
To know that all the good things that we're doing is just because it delights the heart of our God, and not as a ticket to the eternal "goodness".

Yeah, truly, we yearn to be with Him soon in a tireless body that has an unending passion and love.
But it's not so bad to just stick around on the ground a little bit more, to take pleasure in a deteriorating body that goes weary once in a while; to take pleasure in humanly friendship and fellowship; to be happy with humanly love and company; to be in wonder and awe at His undying faithfulness and "last minute life-saving blessings". :)

So, till we've fulfilled what we're purposed to do, we will not by any means fall away, but to continue our days. But whether it's here or *there*, it doesn't matter that much, because our God is closer to our heart and soul than we think He is. He's always, always a prayer away.

So, heaven?
It can be pretty much where we're standing right now.
It can be pretty much the life we're having right now.
It is just the distance between us and the God we so adore.

trust

Trust. It's something that comes together with our personal expectation.

At the very time we choose to trust, we're supposed to embrace the fact that there is a possibility to disappointment, and sometimes more than once.

So, what do we do when we're faced with such thing?

A dear friend choose to continue trusting.

Well, for me, I choose to walk away most of the time. Why? Is it because I do not understand the consequences in placing a trust in someone who's neither myself nor God?
Rather, it's because when I trust, I place high expectation on the person.

I know I shouldn't, but whenever I categorize a person as my good friend, I can't help it but have high expectation of the person, but at the same time, I am ignorant of other people's expectation of me.

I believe I can live alone, and just socialize once in a while, develop light friendship with people, and nothing deeper. I've years of experience of going solo anyway.

Yes, I'm emo, but as one introverted comrade-in-arms once said, we're emo, but we're not suicidal. So, I'm not fine, but I'm ok. No need for worries, k? ;)

anti-socialism

Ever wonder why is it that only recently I seemed to be around while all this while I'm here?

I've been hiding myself. In the shadows.

I do not hate large groupings of people, nor do I actually wanted to avoid them.
I don't join crowds not because I'm anti-social, but rather to prevent being labeled an anti-social.

I like being with people.
To see what they do, to listen to what they say, to observe every action and gesture;
To see infectious smile being transferred from faces to faces;
To see frowns and disagreements in little discussions;
To see exaggeration shown by every expression of the face and wave of the hands.

Even if I'm not interested to listen I can just be lost in my thoughts, but pity, that in this reality, this ideal of mine cannot exist.

Instead of explaining repeatedly my preference of communication and the limitations conceived by my personality, I rather just keep away.

I might just as well slip into the shadows again like how I've always been before, instead of having to face constant discomfort.

But still, the final say belongs to my God, as always. If this discomfort is meant for my good, I shall endure. Who am I to argue when this heavenly Father REALLY knows what's best for me.

For the moment, I'll just try to not be too noticeable. :)

complexity

Hurm...

What should be done when a single parent falls in love with another single parent, and it so happens what their kids fell in love with each other?

Sould the love of the parents be sacrificed for the sake of their children's, or the other way around?surely, the kids can never be in love together if their parents are married to one another eh?

You think?

worth

How much do we actually value the people we claimed to be our loved ones?

Many times I think, and say that I love them much more than anything, but when the time comes to prove how much they're actually worth to me, I fail in my actions and my deeds.

How regrettably hypocritical.

It's not about the time spent with them when we're free, it's how much time we can spare for them when we're occupied;
It's not about being patient with them when everything's well, it's about being patient with them when everything's chaotic and unwell;
It's not about how deep our feelings are for them while it is, it's about how we stay true to the decision to love them even when we don't remember why anymore.

It's about soaring above trials and temptations, keeping our oath close not letting go, even when all our sense of reasoning is temporarily no more.

It's about still being polite and gentle when circumstances forces you to scream and shout at the top of your lungs, lashing out at them.

It's about saying no when situation's forcing you to say yes, and saying yes when it's forcing you to say no.

It's about remembering how much our God is worth, even when we can hardly do.

Run if you must, hide if you should.

Many times I should've fallen unto my knees and pray, but I seldom do.
Many times I should've just sleep and wake up afresh, but I did not.
Many times I should've run, but I stayed in it's deadly stench.

Why do I run whenever I'm required to stay; Why do I stay when I should just run away and not looking back?

I'm sick of this, I'm sick of this loop.

I wanna break out of it, if God wills.
If He wills I be strong and enduring.
If He wills me to be free... Heck, I'm sure He does.

Most of the time, we are provided the strength and will to do so. We simply chose not to. Sometimes, options are non-existant. But most of the time, it's really just a matter of choice. Still, it doesn't mean it's all easy decisions.

May I be able to stay true to my words, to show the people that I love that they're really worth as much as I say they are.
To prove to my God that I really do, everytime I say I wanna love Him like how He has loved me.

I'm sorry Lord that You have to die for my sins just because I am not even worthy to redeem myself, but thank You, thank You.
For still loving us when many times we fall;
For giving us the will and strength to change;
For loving us more than we can ever love ourselves;
For making our little lives worth much,
as much as Your dripping blood,
as much as Your battered body.

We're finally worth something, because You're alive.

unfamiliarity

Have you ever felt like the more you get to know someone, the more you feel like you don't know them?

A strange feeling of unfamiliarity.

It's something more than just knowing a new part about the person, that you've never seen before. It's not about a sudden wanting to be impulsive.

It's more like all of a sudden, you feel like you don't know the person at all.
It's like all of a sudden, you've come to a realisation that the person's from a different world.
And it feel like everything you've come to learn about the person is either just the tip of the iceberg, or is totally incorrect at all.

It's like all the effort you've poured in to know the person is nothing. It's like all the time and energy used has return void. All those for just little? It's discouraging at times. It does.

It's like when you've a work to finish, and it's at 90%. But later, you found out that the 90% is actually just 10%, and you have to re-construct your mindset and your resolution. That's a weird example, but it's a close description of what I meant.

Makes you feel like you just wanna stop there, and start idling.

Well, if that happens, perhaps it's ok to just do that. Maybe after a while, you'll have enough rest to start again.

And no, it's not the person's fault for the sudden sense of unfamiliarity we feel. Perhaps it's our ego, thinking that we've already known a lot about the person. No matter how simple a person is, it'll take a lifetime to truly understand and know them.

And often, it's our own expectation and assumption of people that leads to our disappointments, and not the person themselves.

I wonder if I ever made anyone feel like that. Hmm... Maybe, since I have a lot of complexes, and many different sides. :P

No one will truly understand me anyway, or perhaps it's me who doesn't want people to.

I have a lack of faith in humanity. Sorry XD

celibacy

*A long awaited post for some, eh? Huhuhu~ ;)*

Loneliness. Yet another essence that draws people closer to God. No matter how many friends and loved ones you have, there are times when you just feel like no matter how much you explain, no one will truly understands how you feel, or how you think.

To have so many people around you, but to not have a least one like mind is hurtful, especially when we're heartbroken and disappointed.

And somehow, this flaw in the relationship of humans becomes one of the reason people find comfort in God. It's somehow relieving, and comforting to know that God understands how you feel and what you're going through, even when the whole world is unable to comprehend.

Some people find it weird that a love relationship between two christians can somehow actually lead them away from the God that brings them together.
Weird, isn't it? It doesn't seem very logical, but at times, it happens. Why?

As I said before, one of the reason humans are drawn to God is because of the feeling of loneliness. By being blessed with a partner, sometimes, people tend to think that finally, there's a person that would understand them, cherishing them for who they are.

It might be true, it might not be, but either way, this is one of the reason why people have come to forsaken their True Love.

By believing that there's actually a person who understands them, they decide that that person alone is enough. They do not need God as a comfort to their loneliness anymore.

How wrong can we be? No matter how much a person wants to understand you, they can never totally understand you. At the end of the day, it's God who understand you the most, more than you can ever do yourself.

That's why relationships can be dangerous at times, but I'm not discouraging it. It is good, of course, but no matter how dedicated you are to God, there is always a possibility of falling into this tragedy. Take each steps with care, and never ever let God out of your sight in building your relationships.

No offense, but sometimes, it's really amusing that some of my friends actually wanted to convince me that having a life partner is the only way to life.

And at times, some even seem to indicate that if I'm not out there doing God's work, I have no excuse to celibate. It's as if doing christian missionary works is the only reason to celibate.

My dear friends, if that's what you think, then may I ask you whether God is the reason to you having a girlfriend/boyfriend right now? If you would boldly give me a "yes", then I would kindly request you to really re-think again, and answer me truthfully.

If the reason of getting into a relationship can be not because of God, then why can't the reason to celibate be so too?

Are we so drowned by the love novels and love stories created through generations, that we've come to think that it is the only way to life?

People say that it's a gift to be able to celibate, but I say it takes more courage and faith to go into a relationship.

To be committed to a person, to be a motivator and supporter no matter what, to accept various weaknesses of the partner, and to brave the unpredictable possibilities of future.

To balance out work and family, to raise kids who would follow after God's way and not fall astray, to deal wisely with conflicts and troubles to come, to have unwavering devotion to God and unending love for your partner.

Someone once asked me, whether I really wanna celibate.

Hmm... It's not like I really wanna celibate, but rather, for now, a decision to celibate would make my life a lot easier. It serves as an easy way out for me, from my current condition, because of a certain someone.

So, truthfully, I am not in any way promoting or encouraging celibacy, but let him/her who can and wanna live with it, do so. (1 Corinthians 7:25-40)

To have a lonely heart going about,
With no one able to fill it full,
Only One will do,
Only One can do,
Our lonesomeness taken away,
And we are comforted;
In God, we are comforted.

So, whichever way you go, remember we have a loneliness that only God understands, that neither the world nor our loved ones can ever comprehend.

If you're in a relationship, I wish you all the best, and may you continue to draw close to God no matter what. And if you're into celibacy, I also wish you all the best, and may you continue to walk your life in close intimacy with Him.

God bless.

*Well, not like what you've expected, eh? :P*

unwittingly

What can one human do? How can one tiny and small human do? Pushing aside everything, living for their own desires and dreams.

It's not wrong, is it? To live like you wanted, as long as you're not hurting anyone.

It's not wrong, is it? To live, not knowing God, and the plans that He had for us.

It's not wrong, is it? It's not wrong, right?

Still, it undeniable that doesn't matter whether you acknowledge the existence of God, since you're His creation, He'll still bless you and bring you through troubles, like He would anyone.

But to know and acknowledge that He exists, brings our view of life to a whole different level.

To know the purpose of your own existance, and having something true to actually live for everyday;
To hold on to life no matter what, trusting in the grace of God;
To be comforted when our whole day or dream crumbles into little pieces;
To know that even though we're poor, we'll have enough;
Trusting that there'll be a day when our tears will be wiped off, and never drops again.

No matter how insignificant we think we are, we have our own important role to play in God's plan of life.

Sure, we can reject that, and another person can come and take it over, but why should it go that way, right?

Remember the prehistoric squirrel from Ice Age 1? From the start till the end, he was only a "filler" character, so out-of-place, going around by itself, in constant pursuit of his beloved nut. Bearing little significance, and have no importance at all, only to bring extra laughter to the audience.

And in Ice Age 2, it seems like his role never change, and it seems like it'll stay like that till the end of the show.

Somehow, it seems like the squirrel turns out to be the saviour of the rest of the other prehistoric animals in the area, but unwittingly to itself, unknown to the rest.

How's that? The only thing on the squirrel's mind was just to secure it's nut. And for the rest of the animals, they'd probably never know what happened.

Is such thing a beauty, or a tragedy? Everything you do, no matter how important it is to your circle of influence, would probably never be made known to you, and the rest of the people would probably never know. But surely, at least one Person would know. ;)

Yes, it is just a story, and would probably wouldn't be the same in reality. But such things are never known, so I choose to believe in such unknown beauty.

There are many things that we do in hopes of seeing the results, be it helping a friend, chasing after our dreams, praying for the salvation of a loved one. And sometimes, we don't see things happening. We get discouraged and heartbroken.

But we probably never do know, that while we couldn't manage to help our friend, even putting in effort would probably meant a lot.
And we probably never do know, that while chasing after our dreams, how much courage and encouragement we pour out to other people, strengthening them in their life.
And we probably never do know, that one day, the person we've been praying for would one day come to know and accept God as their personal saviour.

There are many things we do without knowing the consequences. There are many things we've failed to complete, without knowing the success the failure itself brought.

We never will know how large our circle of influence are, how huge the ripple from our every doings are.

So today, bring a smile to your face, and comfort to your heart, believing that no matter what happens, or how you've failed, God will use it as an important piece to the completion of His wonderful plan.

Pieces of picture puzzle never do make sense, with it's imperfect jagged sides. But until it is all placed together, only a perfect, breathtaking picture would be brought to view.

Take comfort in knowing that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Now I do not mean to say that you can go and do whatever you like and it will still bring about good things.

Whatever you do, do it heartily like unto God and not unto men. Avoid evil and strive to do good, for God and not for men.

And when you've put your all, but you still couldn't manage, it's ok.
And when you've tried to care, but feel like stopping, it's ok to stop and rest a bit.
And when you've tried to love, but want to stop loving, it's ok to run a while and cry a little.

Take comfort knowing that nothing you do will ever be in vain, even if you'd probably never see anything good from it. Seek His will, seek His blessings, seek His anointing. You'd probably not hear anything, but still, after you've done all that you're suppose to, commit it to God and let go. You may not be able to make full use of what you've done, but I believe He can. :)

So today, cheer up, believing that your good works are not in vain, even when you might not see the fruits of it. Persevere in what is right, continuously running after the only Truth in life.

May the works of our hands not be in vain, that He'll use it for His amazing plans; May His comfort comes when we are weary, to lift our spirits and our souls; May His presence be made known to us, that we can call ourselves blessed; May He open our eyes to His way, that we will not walk astray; May His hand guide us when it's dark, that even when we fumble, we are not lost.

And remember that though failure is not without end, it's ok to cry a little. :)

May God bless you this day.

ee

It's been a busy semester.

Two weeks ago, it was mostly about Easter Event.

But if you were to ask me about the outcome, what I think about the event, I couldn't give you any comments relating to how it was in the eyes of those who came to watch.
I'm more concerned with the effect of such events on the lives of those who participated, those who have helped out.

Yeah, the reason I joined wasn't very "godly"; God wasn't the ultimate reason I helped out.

So why did I help out, putting so much more than the years before? Was it because I'm a CGL this academic year, or because I just wanted some recognition?

Nope. That never even crossed my mind. I think.

The reason I helped out in such even is the same as why I joined the CF in campus. Being a lower than average christian, I can't think much of how to impact and bless the university I'm studying in.
I can't even help people in their studies, as I'm barely surviving on my own, being an average undergraduate.
The only thing I can do to bless this university is to help out in whatever thing the dedicated and active christians around are doing.

The second reason would be because of my juniors. I can't stand the fact that too few people are doing too much. I cannot keep an eye blind whenever I see them putting so much of their time into works that should've been done by the lot.

I'm not blaming the majority of the people for not helping out more. I would have remained the same if it's not because God decided to show me all these.

I previously would tend to not help out because I thought that even if I don't go, since the CF is so big, there'll be a lot of people who'll go. It was during the CF's apple giving session that I'm shown that it's never so.

It's the minority who does the work of the majority. And I don't like that. I don't like how my juniors are being drained of their strength and time like this. I do not like to see my friends doing most of the works, getting discouraged at times, while the rest of the people are hanging out or sleeping their day off.

That was when I made a vow, that I won't stand and watch. Whenever I can, whatever it is, I wanted to be a person who'll lighten up their burden. This is not the kind of christian life they're suppose to live. Their precious time and strength and life should not be robbed by the majority of passive christians around.

Back to the Easter Event. Yeah, being involved in such a hectic and busy thing would either lift someone's faith up, or pull it down.

With few hours of sleep, and spending the whole daytime in the campus helping out, that's not my daily dose of life. Yea, for some of you, it might even be your routine, but it's definitely not mine. And going like that for few days, it has taken it's toll on my body, and personality. I entered my don't-care-about-what-others-think berserk mode, but it didn't last long. I had to turn back to normal in order to not hurt the ones I cared about. Hmm...

And I've seen some of my friends in the same condition as mine, they went totally haywire with the lack of sleep, some probably don't even have any, and the hectic schedule. Well, it'll probably be better if that's all, but when you're dealing with people, it can go very bad.

Many hurtful things were said and done, relationships and friendships aren't gonna be the same anymore. But whether it'll go bad or good, depends on how we walk our days together.

But it's just refreshing when everything's done, when at the end of the day, we can look at each other and say, 'it is done.'

There will be a lot of things that can be learned and benefitted from this kind of thing. It's just a matter of whether we will spend our time to reflect and rethink. Will we just treat it as a passing wind, or a breeze that can refresh our faith, and lift us to higher heights.

No matter what, I hope that it is in His plan to bless us through this event, to bless everyone who's involved, and participated, even when we just wanted to bless other people.

May God be the strength of our hearts.

much more faithful

Awaiting joy.
Let it fill my heart with bliss.

Why are you so much faithful than I am?

I've said many times that I'm grateful.
I've said many times that I'm thankful.
And I've said many times that I love You because of that.

Are those just mere words?
Spoken with no worth whatsoever?

Why is it that this heart is so easy to get discouraged?
Why do I look at the few mistakes and rejection,
overlooking the few thousands blessings and acceptance?

Why is it so easy for me to run away from You when things don't go my way?
Will I ever stay true to my words?
To stick by You no matter what?
I know I shouldn't live by my feelings,
but what do I do when I can't remember why?
What do I do when I don't feel like caring anymore,
or I can't remember why I even cared to care.

I hate myself for being weak.
Shouldn't I be strong?
Or at least run towards you when I fall,
instead of running away.

I hate myself for thinking too much.
To have pride in my own capabilities.
To pride myself in the things You've given me.

I hate myself for caring too much.
When at the end of the day, I'm sure to get hurt.
I know it'll happen, You've prepared me for it.
But when it happens, it just... hurts.

I hate myself for loving this much.
When I don't even know why I even loved in the first place.
I don't know where You are in this relationship.
I don't know where to place You.
I don't know what to do.

I said that You're the very reason that I lived.
I fear that it might not be so anymore.

I need Your insights Lord.
I'm asking for clarification,
and what I get is more, and more questions.

Does the answer lies in letting go?
Of all that I love?
Of all that I care for?

I need my personal getaway with You. Much much more than before.

I'm stagnant. I do not know where to go.

I do not know what to do. I do not know what to say.

So guide me, please?

Please...

I dared to ask all these, simply because I know that You're so much more faithful than I am.

absolute definition

Talent. What is there to be proud of? What is there to be bragged about? It is something you're born with, a gift given unto you. Not something you've earned, or something you've worked hard for.

Envy. Why envy? Why look at things people have and you don't? We like to compare a lot. Yes, we do. We measure ourselves using other people's ruler, and when we come short, we become envious. Deadly poison for the soul.
We just don't realise that we are also an object of envy to some other people. All of us have something only we have. A mixture of different abilities and weaknesses. That's how we're different. There'll always be a lot of people after us, but there will never be one that is like us.

Compassion. Just what is compassion? Is it a feeling stirred up within you whenever you see someone in need of help, in need of care, in need of pity? How if that no matter what, I can't invoke this thing called compassion from within me?
Am I uncompassionate? Am I that bad? Is it even me who is at fault, that no matter what, this kind of sentiment refuses to appear?
Can one learn to be compassionate? Can one even try to be compassionate? Or is it more to an action taken after learning of one's misfortune, rather than the feeling felt?

Kindness. Just what is kindness? Is it something done, because our hearts are stirred for it? Or is it something we do, because we know we should do it? Are there motives to being kind? Or should there be motives to kindness? Or kindness with no reason at all is not kindness at all; or maybe kindness with no reason at all is the ultimate kindness there is? Hmm...

Are these even plain things with easy explanations? Is much thinking blurred what's supposed to be an easy truth? Or are these just something very vague, with no absolute answer, with no definite definition?

Jesus Lord, please help us to define the values that you've instilled in our hearts. At times, we are confused, and the only one who can clear us of confusion is You. So grant us Your wisdom, grant us understanding to many things, to many issues that we are going to face in this journey of life.

Thank You in advance.

this trust

Why is such brokenness felt?

My heart seems to have been tear down; I'm not surprised, but why did it happen so loud, that all I can hear is the sound of it collapsing?

Dear dear Lord.

I understand more now why it is better to leave it to Your plans, rather than my own.

Everything seems good in my sight, but things don't always go the way I want to.
Because I'm not you. How shortsighted I am, and how longsighted You are.

Few more months left, and I'm released from this responsibility.
To return to the shell once again, to work from the shadows.

The more I know, the more distant I feel.
The more I care, the more aches I have to suffer.

Is it not already enough Lord.
Isn't it already time for you to get me out from here?
You've shown me much in a year. Is there more?

I wanna go away, being the misfit that I am, being so different from everyone that I know.
I do not want to show any of my core so much,
to be used and poked,
it hurts. it hurts.

But if all these seems well to You,
I'll wait. Yes, I'll wait.

If it's not yet the time to be removed from this, so be it. I've learned that Your judgements and plans are better than mine.

I want to rededicate this proud, foolish and filthy heart into Your care, Your cleansing work.

If it is good that I'm heartbroken,
let it be.
If it is good that I'm hurting,
let it be.
If it is good that I feel like running away, but can't,
let it be.

I'm ready to be more than this. I'm ready to be even more different from all the people that I know. I'm ready to be more than the misfit I already am. I'm ready to leave the feelings I have.

If You can die for me, I can live for You.

So let me be, let You be.

I await deliverance, not from people, not from anyone, but from You.

Be still my soul, with all you are.

numb

I don't feel like posting anymore.
I also don't feel like replying emails anymore.
I don't feel like going the extra mile for people anymore.
I don't think I like her as much as before anymore.
But I also feel like I don't like everybody as much anymore.

I'm numb.
Probably.
Or made numb.
By myself.

A way of escape?
Maybe.
Running away?
I wish.
Maybe I'm at the edge of my limits.
And inside of me, it just wanna stop.
Don't wanna feel the way I felt, anymore.

I'm numb.
Maybe.
Or became numb.
To everything.

I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't wanna chat about it.
I don't wanna think about it.
I just wanna be numb.
For as long as I can be.

oversensitivity

It's kinda hard being a human eh?

It's a wonder that at times, we cause hurts, and we live the rest of our lives not noticing even a bit of what we've done, while the person who got hurt, lived with it for the rest of their lives.

But what are we to do? Even sentences that are thought over carefully, reviewed over and over again, will somehow, cause some hurt to someone, while we the speaker has no such intention.

What are we to do? The only thing to do is to speak less, thus hurt less. The best way, it seems, is to stop speaking at all, but these solutions aren't solutions at all. They're just a mean of avoidance.

What are we to do? Getting hurt at little little things which people say, with no actual harm meant.

Why do we think too much? To analyze small small matters into the very details?

But if we are to accept something people say as it is, some would probably meant something more, which the speaker tries to convey secretly, hoping that we would notice.

But if we are to dig too much from a casual conversation, trying to see whether there's something hidden underneath, there would probably be nothing at all, and we'd be branded over-sensitive, insecure, and suspicious.

So, what should we do, what should we do?

It seems like either to the left or to the right, we'd fall into the puddle anyway.

But really, does it matter if something someone tried to convey means something more? Whether we think too much, or think too little of it, it's just all speculations, with no solid proof, right?

So, either way, it doesn't benefit much. It'll only fill our minds with unnecessary worries and anxiety. And we'll live less happily in this little world.

If a person has anything to say to us, let the person says without the use of hints, without hidden meanings, without riddles. Else, let us just ignore whatever the person's trying to convey.

I'm not proposing that we be ignorant of the feeling of others, or to be less sensitive towards others, but I'm trying to encourage honesty in relationships, in friendships.

We can play the game of hints forever, which would probably results in nothing, or we can just sit together, be honest, and that's it.

So hopefully, we can stop hurting ourselves by thinking too much, and stop hurting others without knowing it. Let love be love, and sorrow be sorrow. Let love not be sorrow.

blurry

Why is it that when I try to run away, I drew closer?

Everything's been blur and hazy these days.

It felt like a storm just passed by, but everything remained untouched.

It felt like time is flowing extremely fast, but when I look around, it's the same as usual.

These few weeks has been the weirdest weeks of my academic year, and I kinda felt something coming.

Is this premonition, or something else?

Either way, it benefits me nothing.

I just wanna live life more than this. Yes, to come out of this mud and start walking like I should.

What should I do? I know not. I know not. Everthing's blurry, everything's blurry.

So, God, please help. Please help.

dear Lord,

It's weird. Yes, it's weird.

It seems like the more I get to know You, the existence of my conflicting nature becomes more evident.

I feel two different personality, residing in one body, surfacing at the same time, in constant battle with one another.

So, is the good one the 'spirit man', and the evil one the 'old man'?

Or is it just because my heart is naturally evil, to the very core?

Why is it that sometimes, when I truly wish someone to be well off, that there's this voice, that's wishing otherwise?

Can I claim that it's not me, when it feels so clearly that, it's a part of me that's speaking of curses and evil?

Even in prayer, even when others are praying, the 'person' hurls blasphemies and insults.

Deep inside, I would rather die than saying those things, and it hurts me when those voices that are from my within spew such words.

Am I to admit that 'he' is me?

To know that I am evil beyond all things? I am more wretched that most people?

But I know one good thing that comes from this; To reach to the Father residing on the throne of heavens, my filthy self could never bring itself to His presence. I can only come before Him, in a heavenly robe stained with the blood of His Son, the Son who was crucified for my sins.

It pains me to know that no matter what I do, my apparel and attire will never be clean enough to come before my God, if I were to evaluate with all sincerity.

No matter how I wash it, it reeks of innocent blood that I've spilled. Of filthiness, that can never be washed away. Of evil, that can never be rid of.

So Lord, thank You for Your heavenly robe, stained with the Holy blood of Your Son, that You traded with me. Thank You for taking my unclean robe, and gave me Yours instead. Thank You, for enabling me to come before You again, with confidence, not in my own goodness, but Your merciful and graceful Self.

So let Your grace be poured unto me, more and more, that my 'old man' can be suppressed, and my 'spirit man' surfacing with great authority.

I'm sorry for my evil heart, I'm sorry that I'm who I am, but I'm glad for who You are.

I thank You, for the Hope that has been given unto us.

Let me not be arrogant in my so-called 'wisdom', but grant me a child-like faith, that You can truly work in me; To be less 'realistic', but to be more 'faith-full' instead.

I thank You for Your Love, Your infinite and endless Love.

Amen.