awaiting grace

Ah. A bad week. Spiritually.

Losing all essence that makes me, me.
Yes, I'm acting as myself. From instinct. Cos I've been like that for years.
But I'm far from remembering who I am.

All of a sudden, I have all this thoughts again.
Of all the things I really wanted to do, but could never.
Plans to improve everybody's relationship in CG;
Plans to help everyone in their walk with Christ;
Plans to make this year's CG more memorable;
Plans to be a better servant.

Seems like everything is out of my hands now. Too far.

CG on wednesday. Few turned up. I am blessed by their presence. Thought I was gonna ask everybody to switch to other CG. Cos I don't think I can take it any longer. I wanted to bless them with so much more, but why can't I? I think that they'd be better being a part in another cell group. There are cell group that would help in their spiritual growth; There are those who are closely attached to one another; There are those who's more happening.

So much for trying to be "unorthodox." I just don't have the strength and will to do anything anymore. It's all spent during the first semester. I thought I can do better this semester. Didn't work.

When I'm supposed to be for them, it seems like I need them more than they need me.

No, I'm not asking for encouragements, nor pity.

You don't have to worry.

He'll send me comfort and things that I need. I believe. For He has never failed me. I was here before, and He saved my fall. He'd do it again this time. Or many times if He needs to. I thank You for the second chance. Or was it the third chance? No, I've lost count. Because You've been merciful. I thank You that I didn't die sinning.

Let me look to You, and less towards myself. Let me find myself in Your works, and all that I do for others, rather than what I do for myself.

Need You, again, evermoreso.

Thank You in advance.

fading

It's incredible how one night can totally make you feel so horrible. It's just incredible.

I found that the more I depend on people to get something done, the more I'm losing my own identity. Yes, it feels like my personality, everything that I am is slipping away. I'm fading away by the moments, I don't really remember who I am anymore.

Why this hollowness? Is this part of Your plan? To what ends?

Yes, I'm questioning, because I feel so horribly lost.

Am I trying to live to be someone other people expect me to be?
To be someone people want me to be?
To be someone people think I am?

I hate people's expectations.
I hate praises.
I hate compliments.

Yes, I do hate them. It'll make me proud, and I try my best to maintain the standard of my performance. Why the pretense? I can't help being tied up to these things.

I thank God for my capable and benevolent friends that He has given me this year. But I think I'll keep my distance. I'm losing my pieces by days, I'm forgetting me for who I am. I don't want this anymore.

No, I don't want it anymore.
And no, it's not your fault. It's just me. Because of who I am.

christmas

Why did you live oh Lord?

Let us remember the reason You lived.

Yes, we do not want to be so caught up with the festivities of the world.

Let us remember the reason You lived.

Merry Christmas.
May light shines upon you,
That truth will be revealed,
That you may truly see,
Things that are of real importance,
And things that are not.

God bless you all this Christmas.

I know I am. Having celebrated Christmas for the first time ever since becoming a Christian, with kind and faithful friends. I thank You.

for Your grace

Lord, I wonder.
Why does Your grace always seems to show itself at the very last minute?
Are you teaching me to hold on to Your promises till the very last moment?

When the blade nearly touches my neck?
When I nearly touch the ground from a fall?
When I'm near to letting go?

But still,
You didn't need to provide me with any grace at all.
You're not obliged to.

But still,
You do.

For that Lord, I thank You.
And can never thank You enough.
May my heart love you forever.
May I not walk astray from this path.
Thank You.

thank you all

Will the soup be enough?
Do we need to cook another bunch of potatoes?
Will the chicken nuggets be enough?
So little mee hoon, can it fill all the 30 people?
Will that house be able to contain 30 human beings at a time?
Should I bring my scrambled egg?
Cos it smells weird...

All in all, God has been gracious.

Not only the soup is enough, it's too much!
Not only the potatoes is enough, we can't finish it!
A lot of people didn't notice the chicken nuggets,
so those who noticed got their sufficient share.
Not only the mee hoon is enough, I still have one big container of it here!
The house is spacious, thank you God, and thank you Jason!
I brought my scrambled eggs. I doubted all the positive comments. :P

I thank You Lord that, though I'm so weak and inexperienced, You've given me so many capable friends. I thank You Lord for them. I do. I really do.

Thank you Jia Wern for the nice potato salad. It was kinda chewy. I'm lovin' it. :P

Thank you Michelle for the spaghetti. The sauce was nice. But I make sour face whenever I eat sour food. So there.

Thank you Chee Kah for the drinks. I'm glad you didn't pour that thing in. Or did you??? Anyway, I'm not against it or something. I'm totally ok with it, but since I make it a commitment not to drink it, I disallow it whenever I can. :P

Thank you Jacintha for the fries and nuggets. Everything was so crispy. :P I soooooo miss french fries. And I nearly get sore throat eating it. But I didn't. Praise Him~ :D
And the game was fun. But how am I suppose to know who your mama is!?? hmph!

Thank you Clement for the soup. It looks like curry, but it tastes great. And doesn't taste like curry. :P Uh and thank you for fetching hostel people. :D

Thank you Lau for buying the mee hoon and bringing it all the way here. You've been a very good and faithful friend. I'm happy I know you from the CG. :D

Thank you Phui Yein for buying the fruits. Nearly forgot about them. :P

Thank you Cindy for washing the dishes and cleaning up. Sorry I didn't get to buy what you asked me to. Soweee............ >_<

Thank you Joanne for cleaning up too. Thank you for coming even though you're busy with your assignments and stuff. And water-less. :P

Thank you Jason for your house, and for the pizza. Too bad we didn't get to try your minced chilli. Err, I mean chilli meat. Ehh, I mean the mexican minced meat called chilli. :P

Thank you Ming Chu for driving all the way to hostel and picking up people. Seems like driving is your ministry for this sem. Church and CG. :P

Thank you Edwin for helping me pick people from hostel too. You're from another CG, but thank you for being a blessing to this CG. But at times I'm scared that you might be bored. :P But you're always welcome here, even if you happen to not own a car. :D

And thank you all who came. For showing up even after exam. For rushing back for the dinner. I hope you all enjoy the fellowship and food. Sorry for my inadequacy. I am still green. And organizing these kind of events are not my forte. Excuse me for any inconvenience caused.
God bless you all.

May we all one day rejoice in one Spirit, and one Truth.

That, is my Christmas wish.

take it away

It's so heartaching,
Lord take it away.
It's so suffocating,
Lord take it away.
It's bad for my heart,
Lord take it away.

Please.

I don't wanna hope in the dark,
Lord take it away,
I don't wanna wish so painfully,
Lord take it away,
I don't wanna feel so bad,
I wanna be happy again,
So Lord, take it away.

Please.

welcome to the club

You think you have a lot of friends.
You think you know a lot of people.
But sometimes.
You suddenly feel like you're all alone in this world.
Yes, all alone.
Nobody seems to understand.
Nobody seems to care.
Nobody seems to notice.

If you're to ever feel these,
welcome to the club.
Just want you to know that,
you're actually not alone.

I've been there. (And still am. Prolly always will.)
I understand how it felt.
Yes, I do.

Since we're feeling the same way,
welcome to the club.
I'll cheer you up.
You'll cheer me up.
We'll never be alone anymore.

conditional love

Just what is love? No, I'm not talking about parental love or Godly love. I'm talking about the feelings that is between persons of different gender.

Ever wonder what that love truly is? That mushy little feeling you have inside you, whenever you see that person. That heartache that develops whenever you think of them. The way they never seem to fade from your mind. What is that actually about, and what caused it?

Is it because of the way their hair look in the sun? Is it because of the way the person smiles? Is it the way the person looks you in the eye?

Or is it because of how the person handle themselves in the midst of people? Is it the way they handle their conversations with people? Is it the way they seem to be deeply concerned with people?

Or is it because of how they shine among all others? Is it because of how they stand out in the crowd?
Or you're totally clueless of the reasons.

What makes a person, a person?

Is it the appearance, the character, the habits, or simply the combination of all these factors?

Appearance may change over time.

Character may deteriorate.

Habits may disappear.

What happens when all the above happens? That the person is not the same person anymore? That he/she is another person?

When you love someone because of one or more of these factors, what happens when it changes?

If you love because of how beautiful the person is to you, do you not love anymore when their appearance change?
If you love because of how dedicated and benevolent a person is, do you not love anymore when these things vanish?

Is there a reason to love when a person is not who the person was before?

We are told to love people for who they are, but the dilemma is, what makes a person, the person that they are?

So, when you love a person, ask yourself why. And when the elements that made you love the person is no more, do you stop loving?

addiction

No matter how little time spent away from You,
It always made me feel like it's been forever.

Even if it's 2 hours of playing a game,
Or 1 hour of reading comic,
It always left me feeling that,
It's been forever.

I hate this feeling,
Greatly.

I must've been addicted to You.

lying

Did my replacement lab today. Nearly wasn't allowed to do it. The reason? I wrote "oversleeping" in the "reason" column. The lab assistant went "Huh? Oversleeping also can replace???" I don't remember clearly what happened, but I remembered saying "because no one's dumb enough to write oversleeping as their reason for missing the lab." How bold of me.

To cut the long story short, I was allowed to do my lab. But I'm not sure if my marks will ever be counted if someone else get to see my lab replacement form. XD

If you think "oh, he's trying to show that he's a man of great faith," I tell you no.

Yes, being overly honest can cause me my lab marks, it'll save me A LOT of trouble if I just lied in the first place. But I didn't, not because I have faith that God will deliver me from this trouble. I did wrong. And I don't deserve this grace, but it was given anyway, and I gladly accept it.

The reason for being overly honest and not lying is because I had enough of feeling depressed after each lie. Enough is enough. Even if it cause me unnecessary trouble, or being hated, or shunned, I'd still do it.

Even if I get caught for intentionally/unintentionally breaking the law and hinted to give bribe, I hope I'm bold enough to give a big NO, even if that means being thrown into the prison or whatever. It's because I believe there are reasons to rules, and they ought to be followed.

The law is made to protect people, not to trouble them.

That is what I believe, and to act otherwise would only brand me as a hypocrite.

That might be why I can never own a business, where little little lies might be involved. XD

And while I believe honesty is important, I also believe that there are things that doesn't need to be said. You can't lie if you don't say anything right? ;)

Hope this blessed you.
And don't judge me! I know I'm wrong for oversleeping, but................. ugh. bleh. Who never oversleeps anyway right? XD

waiting

Waiting for the day when I can finally tell you that,

You're a friend, that I admired, and loved,
But I tried my best,
To make that feeling go away,
And now I'm glad to say,
You're just a friend from now on.
A good friend.

Yes, I'm waiting for it, patiently.

me and You

Do you think I wanted to do everything myself?

I know you're ok with me asking for favours,

But I'm not ok with it.

Yes, it's my problem.

I have trouble in human communications.

Think I wanted that?

I've improved from before.

But I kept getting worse.

Need grace, more than before, more than this.

If You think it's sufficient, fine.

Just don't leave me and let me face it alone.

I need You, evermoreso.

please

cracking under pressure.

I wanted to be better.

But my nature forbids me to.

I need changes.

In within.

God, please.

Please.

we are forgetful

About 2 weeks ago, I missed my lab session. And getting a replacement will not be easy, as I can't bring myself to give any untruthful excuses. Got myself the lab replacement last week, but that's another story.

The feeling of missing that lab was not pleasant, for I've prepared for it the night before. And instead of putting the blame on everyone else except myself, I was forced to realise that this is indeed my mistake.

For the times I can sleep earlier but I didn't,
For the times I did useless stuff, when I can sleep earlier,
For the times I played game, when I can sleep earlier.

Thus I vowed to fast game for 2 weeks. The main reason was so that I can use the gaming time to do more important stuff, and if possibly, to sleep earlier.

At first it was probably fine, but after a week, I found myself staring at the monitor of my computer most of the time, counting the time to the end of the fasting vow.

I couldn't believe myself. I'm utilizing the time to idle around instead!

The reason I fasted in the first place was forgotten.

Well, there's still few more days before I can play games again, and hopefully with this realisation, I can fulfill the true purpose of the vow. XD

And aren't we all like that? There'll be a time when we suddenly forget the reason to the things we're working so hard on.
Some even wonder why are they faithfully serving in churches, and cf.

Yes, the reason was forgotten, because it has become a routine.

The next time you wonder why you are doing the things you're doing, look back, and rediscover the very reason of it.

It's hard to stop something from becoming a routine, but it's not that hard to stop, look back, and to remember.

point taken

I guess there are just things you shall not share with other people, no matter how close you think they are to you.

Point taken.

thank you Lord!!!!!

Thank You Lord for letting me pass all my previous trimester's papers,
Thank You Lord for helping me get my computer running again whenever I can't start it,

And thank You Lord for reviving my dead phone!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's an unthinkable miracle!!!
No wonder I can't sleep and suddenly thought of turning on my phone.

For your grace is so great,
My heart will never be large enough,
To contain every pouring of your blessings,
Never ending blessings~

grace

and Your grace is like the height of heavens,
where it reaches I cannot see,
where it ends I do not know,
it pours like rain from the sky,
as deep as the oceans below.

sorry

What do you do when people complain about the decision you made? And it's not even entirely yours?

Do you try your best to be better, or just quit it since you don't really want to care for that particular matter?

I like people being honest, but let's not do it "it's your fault you better fix it" way.

I have feelings too ok?

And I'm sorry for my mistakes, leaving perhaps many dissatisfied people. I'm sorry. It's my fault for not being good enough anyway.

I'll try to be better, but I can't guarantee you anything.

Because I don't know what the future holds, but I'll try.

nap

God, I have faith in You,
but holding unto hope that I can't see,
is tiring.

I'm taking a nap aye?

sigh

I think, I'm gonna let go,
It doesn't seem like it'll work out anyway,
Yes, it doesn't seem like it'll go any further,
No, I'm not a quitter,
Cos I haven't even started yet,
But I'm letting go,
Yes, I'm letting go.

Sigh.

if I weep

If I weep,
Over the death of a loved one,
It only meant,
We won't be able to see each other in this lifetime,
Only memories will follow,
Missing deeply.

If I weep,
Over a troubling situation,
It only meant,
I'm waiting for God's comfort,
I'm waiting for His help,
Waiting quietly.

If I weep,
Over the salvation of my loved ones,
It only meant,
I'm pleading to God,
That perhaps He would see my tears,
And grant me my pleads.

If I weep,
Over the death of a stranger,
It only meant,
I'm regretting the times,
When I did nothing to know the person,
When I should've done so.

If I weep,
For no reason at all,
It only meant,
There's something wrong,
I need a voice that cares,
I need a shoulder to lean on.

I thank You

I thank You,
For the papers I passed,
Even tho I deserve to fail,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the rain withhold,
Even tho I deserve to be wet,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the friends that You gave me,
Even tho I deserve to be alone,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the financial provision,
Even tho I deserve none,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the people who I loved, and probably loved me,
Even tho I deserve no love,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the phone I have,
Even tho it's broken now,
I know You will provide.

I thank You,
For the hands I have,
Even when I'm sore from carrying things,
I'm glad when I'm home.

I thank You,
For the feet I have,
Even when I'm sore from walking,
I'm glad when I'm home.

I thank You,
For being You,
For all the time of faithfulness,
Even when I'm not.

I thank You,
For stepping out to die for me,
Claiming the right to be my God,
Even when I don't deserve to be with You.

I thank You Lord.

overlooked

It seems like even when you're tired and exhausted, once you missed or overlook something, there's probably no second chance.

And there's probably even a price to be paid.

at lost

I don't know how to what to write right now.

I don't know what to do also.

Dealing with annoyance, repetitively,
From the people I should care for.

Dealing with a heart,
That looks at sufferings and catastrophy apathetically.

Dealing with a life,
That is far from my liking.

Dealing with my feelings,
Which I don't truly understands.

Dealing with my mind,
That thinks strangely.

I need You God, evermore so.

forgotten

I've totally forgotten how easy it was for me to hurt people.

The things I said, I thought of them as light jokes,
but to others, they were piercing insults,
and hurls of hurting words.

I've totally forgotten how I wished for people not to know me,
for they'll probably lived better,
happier.

I've totally forgotten how it'd be best for me to keep my mouth shut,
in all occasions.

I can never drive them away,
But I can run away and disappear.

But I wouldn't do that.

I'll speak less,
joke less,
and hang out less.

It doesn't matter if I'm hurt, as long as I don't hurt people.

It really doesn't matter at all if I'm all alone,
I'm used to it.
It has always been like that,
So, it doesn't really matter.

Yes, it doesn't really matter.

to you

To my ex cg leader:

I may had not said this but even if I said it I don't know if you'd take it seriously. Contrary to your belief, I see you taking up the role of leadership of the cg not because there's no one else who'd do it. I see it as God has made it such that there's no one else that'll be able to do it except you.

You did well, honestly.

I've seen how much you've changed while you're at it, and I wish some of the changes would stick till now. :P

I've seen you become more humble, more attentive, and more mature.

I'm sorry that I was not as supportive as I should, I just had to miss a few months of CG for the sake of my spiritual and knowledge growth. I was a bit dissappointed for the lack of support though. I guess we're even. :)

Just wanted to say it wasn't coincidental, it wasn't something "no one else would, so we picked you," it was "no one else could, so we picked you."

God is preparing you for something. It's not obvious, but He is. Just hope you'd notice. :)

Things are never coincidental. They are incidental. Because we've got a master Planner up there. He has a lot of plans for us, whether we notice it or not.

Hope this blessed you. Thank you for your support through the first semester. I am blessed.

May He blesses you with many things,
His grace keeps you safe,
His mercy keeps you going,
His Spirit keeps you strong.

self reminder

This post if a reminder for myself for the near future.

Today, as I look upon my own laziness, and undedicated heart, both unto God and my studies, there'll be no way that I'm going to have a good result this semester. This is the worst semester ever, where I seldom touch my notes, where I totally don't understand what most of my subjects are about. My coursework marks are low, lowest ever. I perceive that even passing is hard.

Yet, I'll cast all unto God, dedicating this few weeks unto Him. If I'm carried through, let this post be a reminder that all the wonderful things happen not because I'm smart enough, but my God is merciful. I pray that my following post will be about thanking Him of His goodness, of His wonders. I pray that my next post will be a strong declaration of my faith in Him. I pray that my next post will be a blessing for those who read it.

If you're reading this, please pray for me. A short one will do. I thank God for everything that I have, even this little breath that is in me. I'm worried, and lazy, but God, take my worries, and give me a diligent heart.

For He is good, His love endures forever.

waiting, with all i am

What happens when you thought you're comfortably conversing with God daily,
you actually found out that He has stopped speaking to you.

What happens when you wanted to get back to bible-devotioned life before your period of busyness,
you found out that, to your horror, your passion for the Word has dreadfully disappeared.

What happens when you thought you have the fruit of the Holy Spirit,
you found out that everything in your sinful nature struggling to break loose?

What happens when you thought that you're very caring, very loving, very benevolent,
you found out that you're actually very selfish, has bad-intention filled thoughts, unconcerned with anybody's life and problems but yours?

What happens when you need to talk to somebody,
but aren't willing to say anything?

What happens when you wanted to seek God back,
but your repentance and passion seems so fake?

What happens when your life seems so good,
but it's actually crumbling apart?

Do you flee?
From your badly-trampled life?

Do you run?
From the devil's attack that seemed to be successfully executed on you?

Do you seek?
God when He seems to be so distant, so deaf to the pleas, so disgusted with the pretense you put on?

I wish I am sorry.
I wish I am repentant,
I wish I don't feel the way I do.

But why am I not?

Will I allow my life to be trampled upon by satan?
Will God allow my life to just slip away, wasted, and ruined?

I need You today.

If it were few weeks back, even if I don't sense Your presence, I know You're here.
But today, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not so sure of anything anymore.

Despite the smiling face I put up every now and then,
My heart is crumbling apart, my spiritman is dying,
I might go and waste my life again,
Away from God.

And I'm scared of that.
I don't want to see that happen.

So help me God.
I'm waiting,
With all I am.

loneliness

Hmm...

If we human feel lonely and abandoned when people don't bother about us.

I wonder how God felt throughout the centuries.
Even about His redeemed people.

Hmm...

my hymn of mourning

I did little when I could have done so much more.

I did not care when I should have.

I was not loving when I should be.

I slack when I shouldn't.

Forgive me a sinner,
when I could've done so much more, but never did.

Lord,
forgive me a sinner.

For this is my hymn of mourning.

christian fellowship

After a lengthy conversation with a junior, I've come to know more about my university's CF, and have come to love it more than ever.
When I say CF, I meant the group of believers plus some interested non-believers, and more than that.
I meant the very people who form this group, from the friendly ones, to the not so friendly ones.

I may not very much loved them, but I think I'm beginning to.

Of their unceasing passion,
Of their unending love towards God,
Of their sacrificial efforts.

Yes, I think I'm starting to understand what they stand for, what they do, why they do. While you might say that it's obvious that they're doing it because of God, but I believe it's more than that.
It's probably the love that they have for the people who share their faith.

It is a Fellowship afterall.

Where we learn to help each others up after every fall,
Where we learn to tend to each others wound,
Where we learn to care for each other with genuine love.

me, my life, and busy-ness

Had CG combine today. Actually it just ended. Oh no. I forgot to pay attention and learn how other CG do stuff! >_<" Can't help it. Was feeling numb. Don't know what to do. Probably crowd-phobia kicked in again.

Anyway, I just realised that if there's a graph of "prayer vs busy-ness", mine would either be linear, or exponential. Meaning I'll pray more if I'm more busy. Yes, by that I'm saying that my prayer life is lacking, and by also I admit that the more busy I am, the more I need God's wisdom, and strength to do it all.

For me, life as a student, as a son, and as a person, is not seperated from my life as a christian. It's the same thing. For me, busy studying is also something that is done by God's grace, for God's glory. It's both a responsibility, and a luxury, given to me by God.

That's why when some of my CG member has something to do, be it finishing assignment, studying for a paper, something to do in a club/society they joined, I'm ok with it, and I'd be glad to ask them to go on with it, and give it their best.

You may argue that "serving God" is more important, and by that I'm assuming church, CF, and/or CG works, but do all these matters if you flunk your papers? Would that be a bad testimony to your fellow peers, lecturers, and parent?
Like few God-given-wisdom people said, let God not be the top priority of your list, but let Him be the center of it all.

If I were to play game, I pray to God that He'll teach me to be patient, (games can be frustrating, a wonder that we still play :P) to not be quick to curse, and to be a cross-bearer even. And sometimes, games can make you forget that you're a christian, and even before you know it, you've let all hell break lose, from within yourself.
Just few days ago, I've created a clan in a MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), obviously with no members, bearing the name "evangelofchrist", meaning the "Good News of Christ." That way, at least I'll remember that I'm a christian, and maybe even sharing my faith with people who get into contact with me. *grin*

If I were to watch a movie, I'll ask God to teach me something out of the movie. Some movies can have nothing to do with your faith, but in some way or another, you can always relate yourself to it. Just let God do the whispering. ;)

If I were to go on a journey by myself, when I simply waiting for transportation, I'll have a chat with God, and often, He speaks directly to my heart, many, many things.

And if I were to study, do assignments, lab reports, I ask God to give me wisdom, and strength, and many times, He has shown His grace, by giving me understandings, that I would never be able to attain, even if I were to give my very best. Trust me on this, I know my limits.
Thus, most of the time, I couldn't bear the wonder of His goodness, given unto me, even during my time of extreme unfaithfulness, and disobedience. I'm rendered speechless before Him.

And even when I'm writing these things, I still seek His guidance, that these would not be merely my thoughts, but things He wants me to learn through my own writings. The reason that I'm moving from my personal journal to blog is so that anyone, who might stumble upon this blog will be blessed, and encouraged by truthful statement of how God has been good to me.

There are things that I don't share among my friends, because I wouldn't know which testimony would serve to encourage them best in different times, so if they were to ever stumble here, they can just simply scroll to read things that they can relate, at any particular time. :)

Yea, I know I'm jumping topics, but that's just simply because I have a lot to share.

Anyway, I hope that you'd be blessed, if you've been somehow "divinely" directed here, to find something that connects to your own life.

And know that no matter how big you open your eyes, you won't clearly see the wonders God has done, been doing, or will do in your life, unless you ask the wonder-doer Himself to reveal it.

So, ask today, and allow your heart to be blessed, so that even if you're super busy, super tired, or plain numb, you'll go to bed smiling.

May God bless you this day. :)

sunday special

My passion level to blog is low right now, but I'll continue to write of God's goodness in my life, regardless of my own emotional rapid changes. Sometimes I hate how my mood can change so fast.

From being hyper to suddenly feeling down.
From being happy to suddenly feeling sad.
It's like I choose to accept a lie over a hundred truth.
And how easy for me to disregard thousands of encouragements just because of one discouragement.

But there's good from it also.
From a deeply saddened person, just by a comfort received, I'll be overly joyful person again.
From a broken heart, just by receiving a smile from people I loved and cared for, I'll be grinning widely again.

I wonder if this weird being is testing God's patience. I wonder if it's ok for me to always change so fast. Is it because of a lack of self-control, but then again, can you control emotion outburst?
Hmm..................

Went early to church today again, to attend the second last part of the evangelism class. I don't know why I ever enrolled for it, probably God wanted me to learn something from it. *shrugs*

Worship was great. I just love hyms. :) And sermon was about the reason churches are not out there, loving people enough to guide them to God. Everyone was asked to participate in a soul pledge something, where we pledge to continue to pray for those we hope will come to know God.

5 names was needed. For me, it wasn't enough. I just realise that there's so many people I wanted to see being led back to God.
My family, my godsisters, my internet friends, my housemates, my friends, my juniors...
It seems like there's too many people, but too little time. We're eager to see our loved ones come to know God as we were before, but as we know it, people need time. But being as we are, impatience is our nature. *sigh*

I came back to my condo in cyberia, in sleepiness, but I still need to tend to my computer. I switched it off the night before, to give it rest after a week and now, it won't start.
I did everything I know, removing the fan, which seems to be the problem as there's sound that comes out from it. Wrong.
I remove my harddisk to test it on other computer, which proves to be a pretty troublesome and hard work, which I abandoned and returned it to my system.
I took out the cpu and admired it before putting it back. Yes, it was pointless, but I had to try something!
I'm out of my wits. I connect everything back, and started praying. As unfaithful as I can be, I try to believe as much as I can that God can help me start the computer, while I remind myself of how He has helped me solved some of my computer problems before.
Don't ask for details, because I don't know why my computer was able to start after that.

While you might say that it's coincidental, but because I prayed, and I told Him that if it works, I won't regard it as being a coincidence, and will give Him the glory, I will believe that it's His intervention that enabled it to work.

This is the manner of those who choose not to believe. They say that they will believe in God if 'something' happen. That 'something' could range from voice booming from the sky, sudden miracles, angels appear, God appears to them, etc. etc. etc.
But from what I know, if you will not to believe, you will not believe. Even if all those things happen, you would most probably say that they're coincidences, or trying to compensate with "logical" explanations.
If you've decided that you would not believe, you'll harden your heart no matter what happens.

That's what happened in history, and we're the same sinful people we are. God gave the Hebrews a pillar of fire to give them light in the night and a pillar of cloud to lead the way in the day when they're fleeing Egypt, but even so, a lot of them refuse to admit the sovereignity of God, and went worshipping idols.
Jesus performed a lot of miracles during His ministry on earth, yet, a lot of people who witness the miracles chose not to believe.

If you will not to believe, no matter what happens, you will not believe it.
So, before you give the verdict, open your heart for once, 'taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him' - Psalm 34:8
My life started from this verse. I challenged Him to something, and He was up to it. I kept my word and from that day onwards, I serve Him only and no other god.

I hope that this little bit of sharing will encourage those who believe, and for beloved people who has yet to believe, I hope you can 'taste and see that God is good.'

Looking forward to God's wonder during my one week midterm holiday, despite my busy schedule and ups and downs in life.

I might not be joyful always, but when I'm down, He's there to lift me up. Always. :)

God bless.

petty dilemma

Dilemma.
Having so much to share.
But it'd be weird to blurt out everything in one shot.
And my sequence coordination is bad.
Too many things observed and learned in a day.
If I were to blog it all...
No I wouldn't do that!
I'm far too lazy! :P

I can only thank God for the things that happened.
I can only thank God for enabling me to learn from things that has happened.
I can only thank God for humbling me enough to accept the things that I've learned.
I can only thank God for His grace in my life, which is never lacking, which can never too much, which is neverending. :)

joy unlike the world's

How blessed I am today!
The way His grace poured unto me,
The flow of His mercy is unstoppable,
His love comforts me!

I said I'll give Him the glory for every little happiness in my life. So here I am, sharing it to all. *grin*

I asked for help in my lab session from God, and He granted it to me, was able to did the experiment without much problems, and it was unexpectedly fun! And there's this short Q&A session with the lecturer-in-charge. Given the understanding of the experiment, by His grace, me and my lab partner answered confidently. Wanted to answered in a more detailed manner but the lecturer kept saying "very good, very good", so I was like, "huh, are you sure you don't wanna listen summore?" No I didn't said that, but I wanted to. :P

Thank You Lord for lifting me up, and let me not be deceived anymore by the lies of the devil, trying to bring me down and render me an ineffective Christian. Let my pride be You, and let my joy be from the Holy Spirit.

God, help me to bless others,
That I may be blessed also,
Casting my cares aside,
To You who tends to it.

Thank You God for today! I yearn to see Your wonders more and more, in my life, and in the life of others.
Glory be unto You.

shy out

Do I have to change? To be a person who can survive better in the midst of a crowd?
Do I have to change? To be a person who don't panic in the crowd?
Do I have to change? To be a person who preaches to multitudes?
Do I have to change? To be a person that I am not?

Second week of the semester, first week of CG, and I'm already exhausted, disheartened and my tears might just drop some time later.
Probably it's my fault, for God made me realise that I cannot fuse weekdays with games and with responsibilities. Something has to be booted out, and it has to be the games.

But still, what's with all this expectations? Expect me to do great things?

Don't do that. I don't even know why am I called to this position. How could it be? The seniors must've made some mistakes. They must've judged me wrongly.

I am just an insignificant being who always get in God's way, obstructing His works. This filthy heart do not seek His way, this lips speak things which are offensive, this mind is far from His', and this body is broken and beaten up.

Do you not see that I am a person of poor judgment? Do you not see that I am a misfit? Do you not see that I don't do well in crowds? Then why must I do all this? Can't you see the more I try to blend in, the more foolish I look, the more idiotic I become, the weirder I'd be?

The place I'd choose to be is by the corner, listening to conversations.
The place I'd choose to be is where I encourage people to voice out, and I remain silent.
The place I'd choose to be is is where people shines more and I dim out.

Right now I wish to flee a while. But I do not know where I can go.
I wanna go somewhere secluded and wait for His comfort.
I wanna go somewhere far and wait till He brings joy back to me again.

Self-pity, I have become. Sulking, I am. Let me be for a while. God won't let me go for long. He'll push me back there into the crowds again. Where He meant me to belong.

why do we fall?

"Why do we fall?" The question that was repeated a lot of times in "Batman Begins." The answer in the movie was "so that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

For me, my answer is "so that we can learn to rely on God to pick us up."

It sounds simple, where we don't need to do a thing but wait for God to clear things up, but you forgot something. He's willing to pick you up whenever you fall, but on your side, you need to extend your hand to grasp His, and push ourselves up from the ground as He pulls us.

In the movie, the person that caught my attention was not Batman, but his father. He had such love for the people in his city to actually care for their welfare, and act on this passion. Even when he's in the midst of being robbed, he was so calm, not even bearing any hatred to the robber, and even died protecting his wife.

Such love. Such passion.

Can we christians carry that kind of love for the brethrens in our churches?
Can we christians carry that kind of passion to seek out the lost and guide them to salvation, just as other christians once led us from our darkness, to the Light?
Can we christians have such forgiveness for those who did us wrong, who hurt us, because their eyes are not opened to their crime?

If we will, let God enable us to do all things, that He wills for us.

The nice thing about Batman is that, well, though he hit people (can we call that self defense? :P), he never ignored injustice, but doesn't deal with the person's punishment. He leave it to the law.

I'm a person who's afraid of conflicts, avoiding any that I see, even trying not to be involved in other's. But God doesn't want me to overlook injustice, even when I'm scared. I pray that He give me the boldness to oppose injustice, but leaving the judgment to His hand, because vengeance is of the Lord. He will repay according to their works.

OK, away from movie, back to reality, I found out that this responsibility that I've just picked up, it's not that easy to deal with it. Sometimes I question my need to do it, when I should be having fun, doing things I wanted to do. The reason I'm doing it is because firstly, God has called me. Second, because of the hope of my seniors. And thirdly, because I've long to serve them, to be able to be a blessings to them.

Well, I can't say things for sure now, because it has just started. But I'm sure there'll be a time when I'll be discouraged. Sometimes we get disappointed with people, because they're not who we expect them to be. Sometimes we feel down, because things don't go the way that we hope them to be.

Yet, is that a good reason to stop?
Should a person who plan to build a tower not count the cost needed to build it? Lest he build it halfway and can continue no more, because he has no more money.
Likewise, once we've decided to care for someone, or take up a responsibility, we should be prepared for things that are to come, be it good or bad.

If we wanted to care for someone, can we blame the person for pushing our love away? We can't expect everyone to wanting to accept our feelings for them. What matters is you've decided that you wanted to care for the person, you should be prepared for rejection. And since I've decided to taken up certain responsibility, well, problems are inevitable, extra work is expected. I just have to face it with the strength from God.

Galatians 5:18 - And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Therefore, if we are working for a good cause, do not worry much, for God is with us. If you can't put your confidence in yourself, or in other people, trust God, for it is better to trust in God rather than men.

May your weary heart be blessed,
That joy may come again,
And may Grace flows down from heaven,
That your soul be comforted.

May we continue the good works that we have started in His Name, and may He continue the wonderful work that He has started in us.

Blessed be God,
Who gives strength in needy times,
Who gives grace during trials,
Who loves us, the person that we are.

blessed

Was so blessed by the refilling of God's Spirit at church service yesterday. I can't say that I've found my lost passion in serving the CG, but still, it was good enough to move my time that has stopped since a week ago, since coming back to cyberjaya.

While I thought I have a lot of friends that can help me in my times of trouble in cyberjaya, it seems like I was wrong. When I came back last week, and was informed that I'm locked out of my condo for the next 5 hours, there's not many people in my phone address that I can call.

Apart from my housemates, my cg leader, my friend lau, there's no one else I can turn to. Even my dear godsister has graduated. This place no longer hold much meaning for me, only my oath as a student, my bond to the church, and my love for the Fellowship.

Would God save me when I fall,
Would His grace raise me tall,
Would He ever hear my call,
That comfort may come to my soul?

The 2 months holiday was not wasted. God taught me a lot of things, He delivered me from temptations, He spoke to me every now and then. I found out that even when I do seek God for my "big" problems, I never even cared to consult Him in things which I deemed petty, and small. Among them are the merging of my CG with another one, a suitable time to fly back to cyberjaya, just to name a few.

How can I be so blind,
Lifted up by my pride,
To burn my own soul,
That I find no rest?

But who knows, these are all His plan for a greater good? I still believe that if we seek His will, things will work for the good of those who love Him. While I admit my wrong, and wish not to err anymore, yet, I anxiously awaits the beauty of His work, turning my error into a blessing.

Let me worry not,
That judging eyes may judge,
That hearts may condemn,
That lips may insult,
For You are One,
Who holds yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

But I do welcome honest and polite comments, though. But it'd be nice if it's less critical and more building, as how it should be. :)

I thank You for Your blessings,
Wonderful, wonderful blessings,
That never seems to end,
Whenever You make me smile again.

And let His will be done in my life, and also in yours. ;)

spent, almost.

Nearly spent, my spiritual bottle that is. Maybe I'm not meant to stay away for so long from the circle of fellow christians for so long. Well, I believe hermits had it easier. They don't have to deal with people, at least. Anyway, it's really tiring keeping your faith in an unbelieving community, especially when those who claimed that they believe, don't really seems to listen to the Person they claim to believe.

Would we not keep ourselves from evil, at least for the sake of people who have yet to see? Most of the time people shy away from God not because of Who God is, but because of us who claimed that we are His disciples.

I seriously need at least someone who share my faith journeying along with me, especially to hard lands like this.
Sad am I if I fall and have none to lift me up.
Sad am I if I stray and no one to guide me.
Sad am I if I'm broken and no one to restore me.

What?

What right do I have to think there's no hope for a person?
What right do I have to doubt others of their salvation?
What right do I have to think they're beyond saving?
What right do I have to think how a person should live?
What right do I have to despise what God has given me?
What right do I have to come before Him and pour out all my life before Him, seeking comfort, seeking confidence, seeking blessings, seeking things I don't have?

I have no right at all.

But He said it's ok, anyway.

I'm speechless beyond words.

BROKEN

Even in the midst of trouble,
Even in the bleakness of a situation,
Even when the sky is cloudy,
Even when things seem impossible,

You are there with me,
You are there to comfort me,

I may be an optimist,
Or maybe naive in the eyes of others,
There's indeed a fine line between the two,
But I'm not being positive for no reason,
I have a God who is GREAT,
Who can do ALL THINGS,
Who saves people,
Who delivers people,
Who restores people,
Who loves people.

In Him I put my trust, and no one else.
And I'm comforted in my weary heart,
And I'm encouraged in the midst of my tears,
And I'm happy that,
my God heareth me,
my God speaketh to me,
and my God loveth me. :)