shy out

Do I have to change? To be a person who can survive better in the midst of a crowd?
Do I have to change? To be a person who don't panic in the crowd?
Do I have to change? To be a person who preaches to multitudes?
Do I have to change? To be a person that I am not?

Second week of the semester, first week of CG, and I'm already exhausted, disheartened and my tears might just drop some time later.
Probably it's my fault, for God made me realise that I cannot fuse weekdays with games and with responsibilities. Something has to be booted out, and it has to be the games.

But still, what's with all this expectations? Expect me to do great things?

Don't do that. I don't even know why am I called to this position. How could it be? The seniors must've made some mistakes. They must've judged me wrongly.

I am just an insignificant being who always get in God's way, obstructing His works. This filthy heart do not seek His way, this lips speak things which are offensive, this mind is far from His', and this body is broken and beaten up.

Do you not see that I am a person of poor judgment? Do you not see that I am a misfit? Do you not see that I don't do well in crowds? Then why must I do all this? Can't you see the more I try to blend in, the more foolish I look, the more idiotic I become, the weirder I'd be?

The place I'd choose to be is by the corner, listening to conversations.
The place I'd choose to be is where I encourage people to voice out, and I remain silent.
The place I'd choose to be is is where people shines more and I dim out.

Right now I wish to flee a while. But I do not know where I can go.
I wanna go somewhere secluded and wait for His comfort.
I wanna go somewhere far and wait till He brings joy back to me again.

Self-pity, I have become. Sulking, I am. Let me be for a while. God won't let me go for long. He'll push me back there into the crowds again. Where He meant me to belong.