value

Suddenly feeling down.

I look around, at my friends, and realise that I am in the company of talented and capable people.

They're either earning their own money, winning contests, while I'm here, doing nothing, just simply wasting my dad's money away.

Would things have been different if I'm not around?

Don't come telling me that I make a difference, cos anyone could do so.
Don't come telling me that I've been a blessing to your life, cos anyone could've been such.
I suspect that anyone would be able to fill in my place. And very easily so.

Very pessimistic yea?
Yeah. I've been on the negative lately, being bitter about my internship placement and all.
Lingering a little bit more and I suspect that the devil would've everything he needed to crush me.

But I remembered going through a similar thing when I was officially serving a CF Care Group.

I remembered the time when I felt unworthy to serve such group with so many talented and gifted people.

I still remember how His voice came to me, rebuking me for having self-pity.

And I still remember how He said that by having self-pity, it was a direct insult to Him.
He died for me, He rose for me, and He goes to the Father so that the Holy Spirit can be with me.

I do not have the right to label a person He loves dearly as unworthy.
I do not have the right to despise myself after all He has done for this person.
I do not have the right to look down on anyone even.

I'm sorry for the insult I've thrown at You, dear Lord.
I'm sorry that I've forgotten that my worth is not in me, but in You.
For You are the One who redeemed me, when no one else cared.
When no one else could.
You're the one who had brought me high,
And have been with me when I'm low. Always. Without fail. Even though at times I don't feel that You're there. But I know You are, because You promised. And You're a God who don't break promises, even when You had every reason to.

And this is my faith.
This is my faith in You.

And from here, again, I shall value myself not by comparing myself to the people around me, nor by how they value me.
I shall weight myself with You. With the cross You suffered on.

And honestly, that is one heavy cross.