Church

"It is because we're close enough that we step on each others' toes."

To which a dear friend asked, "If we already know it's hurtful to get close to people, why would we want to still do it?"
Can't really remember the exact thing, but I think that was the question.

Honestly, I don't know.

Why on earth do we want to open up ourselves to such vulnerability, to open up ourselves to be hurt, over and over again?

If not that, the question would be, "Is it worth it?"

Is it worth opening up ourselves to such vulnerability, to open up ourselves to be hurt, over and over again?

What would we gain in the end?
That is my selfish question, but is it not valid?

I think the only one who can answer such questions is ourselves.
Have none of us experienced sweet moments with friends, especially the close ones?
Even if we had, does the sweet experiences outweigh the bitter ones?
Is it worth going through the hurts simply for some memorable ones?

Sometimes, I suspect that the best of friends are those we consider enemies, but reconciled after being able to look past the bitterness, dishonesty, hurts and differences. It is with them that we are able to be perfectly honest, not needing any masks, for they'll be able to see through anyway.

And I especially have another dear friend, of which nothing binds our friendship, but Christianity alone. Many times we do not see eye-to-eye, and we disagree on various things. Of course we do agree on many other things as well, but even in our differences, we still do respect each other's thoughts and opinions.

It is never easy to disagree with people we're close with, but it is a great privilege to be allowed to.
And it is also a great honour to have a close friend who, though having fear of being disliked, still find courage to voice out their disagreement.

And something I told my friend that kinda struck myself.
I said, "by kept working together with a disagreeable person, we're giving each other chance to change."

I wonder how true that statement is.
Have I changed through doing exactly that?
But honestly, the question would be, "why should I do it?"
And it is exactly when I ask such questions that God reminds me of my prayer, "God, make me a better servant of Yours."
Speechless.

But I've also learnt not to expect changes in people. I've been disappointed from having this kind of thoughts alone. It's so much easier to accept them.
And of course, the process of accepting is not easy, but there is less frustration than expecting changes.
I've learnt to just do what God wants me to do, and to expect great things from Him instead.

I have to admit that I have cried many tears for the hurts that I have received from those I drew near to.
But I also have to admit that it is also them who had given me, and are continuing to give me joy through their friendship, through their smiles, through their love, and sometimes, through our disagreements.

And it is also in their midst that I find more of God, for it is for them that He gave His life up, and it is to them that He will go to, and remains.

Though I sometimes regret saying this, it is ultimately where my God is, that I want to be.

Lord, Lord,
This life journey's is so long,
And there are many occasions where I do not know the perfect things to say,
Nor do I know the perfect things to do,

Sometimes, I'm tired.
I'm tired of trying to love, I'm tired of trying to be patient.
I'm tired of caring, I'm tired of my cravings for approval.

But You already know I am so.
You know of my unfaithfulness,
You know of my short-lived passion.

But I know of Your faithfulness,
I know of Your never-ending love.

Break my heart with Your love,
Break my heart with the love You have for the people around me.
Enable me to see them as You see them,
And enable me to see me as You see me.

Help me to see their differences as complementary to mine, rather than opposing.
Help me to see their differences as encouragement for betterment, rather than discouragement.
Help me to see what You want me to see, for I am only a sinful man, made righteous by Your blood.

I yearn to see the many wonderful things You will produce through our unity.
I yearn to see Your people reconciled to each other.
I yearn to see the day when we can all be honest with each other and truly love one another, instead of just talking about it.

Would You allow me to see all these things?