my Saviour my God

If You are truly beyond time, You should already know how things will turn out even before they did.

If so, I really do not understand the way you think.

If so, You should have already that I am a person who would occasionally bring shame to Your name.
I'm the person that would fall once in a while, making wrong decisions willfully, consciously. Even when I do know what is right and what is wrong.

Am I just another Egypt, someone You would use to bless Your children, the "sinner God used for His purpose?"

You already know that there are times when it'll be like now, where if my deeds are uncovered, they would bring shame to Your name.
But You still call me to Your embrace, You still wanted me.

You said that You've cleansed me of my sins, and I am right with you.
There are times that I would prefer if I were to suffer for a bit, so that I would feel "worthy" to return to You, having received my deserved punishment.
But at the same time, I'm scared of it. I do not want it. I do not want to be punished, I shun it.

Can I hit my body, can I bruise my hands, that I can declare that I've suffered for a bit, I've got what I deserved, so now I can feel better coming back to You?
But You said no.
My body is Yours, I do not have any right to inflict injuries upon it.
Only to do Your will.

Do You know that it hurts my pride to receive Your grace and to come to You, pretending that everything is like before, like I've never sinned before?

Do You know how hypocritical I feel whenever I lift my hands to praise You, whenever my lips declare of Your greatness?

Do You know how hypocritical I feel whenever I said that I'm giving up my entire self to do Your will, that I would forsake all to rid myself of this thing that haunts me?
I do not even wanted to be at the sanctuary to be prayed for.
I do not even want to be in a shameful situation.
I do not even want to do Your will.

Do You know how people would look at me if they were to know my hidden deeds?
I do not care about losing reputation, friends, but how would they see You?

They'll say, "what a fake Christian he is, doing what he preached against."
I do not mind such things, but Your name is in front of mine.
Why should You be insulted for my wrongdoings?
Why should You be insulted for my sins?

Yeah, why do You even bother in the first place?
I am but a passing wind.
I am but a momentary sigh.
I am but a dying leaf.

I can blame satan for all the wrong things I've done, but it is still me who decided on my deeds.

As much as I wanted to run away, that I would prevent myself from trampling unto Your body;
that I would prevent myself from nailing You to the cross again and again and again and again;
that I would prevent myself from coming back to You in shame receiving forgiveness,
You called me back.
Again and again and again and again.
Why do You do that???

Yet, where can I run to?
You are the reason that I'm alive, You are the Truth for everything there is.

Sure, I can lie to myself and pretend as if there's something else to live for, but deep down, I know there isn't.

The only thing to live for, is You.

So, no matter how many times, I'll crawl back to You.
I'll sing praises to You, no matter how hypocritical my person feels.
I'll sing psalms to You, no matter how angry my body feels towards You.
I'll sing songs to You, no matter how shameful I feel.

Thank You for Your forgiveness,
Even when this person is not worthy of it,
Thank You for Your love,
Even when this person is never worthy of it.

Thank You for holding unto me, when everyone else would've given up.

Thank You.