awaiting grace

Ah. A bad week. Spiritually.

Losing all essence that makes me, me.
Yes, I'm acting as myself. From instinct. Cos I've been like that for years.
But I'm far from remembering who I am.

All of a sudden, I have all this thoughts again.
Of all the things I really wanted to do, but could never.
Plans to improve everybody's relationship in CG;
Plans to help everyone in their walk with Christ;
Plans to make this year's CG more memorable;
Plans to be a better servant.

Seems like everything is out of my hands now. Too far.

CG on wednesday. Few turned up. I am blessed by their presence. Thought I was gonna ask everybody to switch to other CG. Cos I don't think I can take it any longer. I wanted to bless them with so much more, but why can't I? I think that they'd be better being a part in another cell group. There are cell group that would help in their spiritual growth; There are those who are closely attached to one another; There are those who's more happening.

So much for trying to be "unorthodox." I just don't have the strength and will to do anything anymore. It's all spent during the first semester. I thought I can do better this semester. Didn't work.

When I'm supposed to be for them, it seems like I need them more than they need me.

No, I'm not asking for encouragements, nor pity.

You don't have to worry.

He'll send me comfort and things that I need. I believe. For He has never failed me. I was here before, and He saved my fall. He'd do it again this time. Or many times if He needs to. I thank You for the second chance. Or was it the third chance? No, I've lost count. Because You've been merciful. I thank You that I didn't die sinning.

Let me look to You, and less towards myself. Let me find myself in Your works, and all that I do for others, rather than what I do for myself.

Need You, again, evermoreso.

Thank You in advance.

fading

It's incredible how one night can totally make you feel so horrible. It's just incredible.

I found that the more I depend on people to get something done, the more I'm losing my own identity. Yes, it feels like my personality, everything that I am is slipping away. I'm fading away by the moments, I don't really remember who I am anymore.

Why this hollowness? Is this part of Your plan? To what ends?

Yes, I'm questioning, because I feel so horribly lost.

Am I trying to live to be someone other people expect me to be?
To be someone people want me to be?
To be someone people think I am?

I hate people's expectations.
I hate praises.
I hate compliments.

Yes, I do hate them. It'll make me proud, and I try my best to maintain the standard of my performance. Why the pretense? I can't help being tied up to these things.

I thank God for my capable and benevolent friends that He has given me this year. But I think I'll keep my distance. I'm losing my pieces by days, I'm forgetting me for who I am. I don't want this anymore.

No, I don't want it anymore.
And no, it's not your fault. It's just me. Because of who I am.

christmas

Why did you live oh Lord?

Let us remember the reason You lived.

Yes, we do not want to be so caught up with the festivities of the world.

Let us remember the reason You lived.

Merry Christmas.
May light shines upon you,
That truth will be revealed,
That you may truly see,
Things that are of real importance,
And things that are not.

God bless you all this Christmas.

I know I am. Having celebrated Christmas for the first time ever since becoming a Christian, with kind and faithful friends. I thank You.

for Your grace

Lord, I wonder.
Why does Your grace always seems to show itself at the very last minute?
Are you teaching me to hold on to Your promises till the very last moment?

When the blade nearly touches my neck?
When I nearly touch the ground from a fall?
When I'm near to letting go?

But still,
You didn't need to provide me with any grace at all.
You're not obliged to.

But still,
You do.

For that Lord, I thank You.
And can never thank You enough.
May my heart love you forever.
May I not walk astray from this path.
Thank You.

thank you all

Will the soup be enough?
Do we need to cook another bunch of potatoes?
Will the chicken nuggets be enough?
So little mee hoon, can it fill all the 30 people?
Will that house be able to contain 30 human beings at a time?
Should I bring my scrambled egg?
Cos it smells weird...

All in all, God has been gracious.

Not only the soup is enough, it's too much!
Not only the potatoes is enough, we can't finish it!
A lot of people didn't notice the chicken nuggets,
so those who noticed got their sufficient share.
Not only the mee hoon is enough, I still have one big container of it here!
The house is spacious, thank you God, and thank you Jason!
I brought my scrambled eggs. I doubted all the positive comments. :P

I thank You Lord that, though I'm so weak and inexperienced, You've given me so many capable friends. I thank You Lord for them. I do. I really do.

Thank you Jia Wern for the nice potato salad. It was kinda chewy. I'm lovin' it. :P

Thank you Michelle for the spaghetti. The sauce was nice. But I make sour face whenever I eat sour food. So there.

Thank you Chee Kah for the drinks. I'm glad you didn't pour that thing in. Or did you??? Anyway, I'm not against it or something. I'm totally ok with it, but since I make it a commitment not to drink it, I disallow it whenever I can. :P

Thank you Jacintha for the fries and nuggets. Everything was so crispy. :P I soooooo miss french fries. And I nearly get sore throat eating it. But I didn't. Praise Him~ :D
And the game was fun. But how am I suppose to know who your mama is!?? hmph!

Thank you Clement for the soup. It looks like curry, but it tastes great. And doesn't taste like curry. :P Uh and thank you for fetching hostel people. :D

Thank you Lau for buying the mee hoon and bringing it all the way here. You've been a very good and faithful friend. I'm happy I know you from the CG. :D

Thank you Phui Yein for buying the fruits. Nearly forgot about them. :P

Thank you Cindy for washing the dishes and cleaning up. Sorry I didn't get to buy what you asked me to. Soweee............ >_<

Thank you Joanne for cleaning up too. Thank you for coming even though you're busy with your assignments and stuff. And water-less. :P

Thank you Jason for your house, and for the pizza. Too bad we didn't get to try your minced chilli. Err, I mean chilli meat. Ehh, I mean the mexican minced meat called chilli. :P

Thank you Ming Chu for driving all the way to hostel and picking up people. Seems like driving is your ministry for this sem. Church and CG. :P

Thank you Edwin for helping me pick people from hostel too. You're from another CG, but thank you for being a blessing to this CG. But at times I'm scared that you might be bored. :P But you're always welcome here, even if you happen to not own a car. :D

And thank you all who came. For showing up even after exam. For rushing back for the dinner. I hope you all enjoy the fellowship and food. Sorry for my inadequacy. I am still green. And organizing these kind of events are not my forte. Excuse me for any inconvenience caused.
God bless you all.

May we all one day rejoice in one Spirit, and one Truth.

That, is my Christmas wish.

take it away

It's so heartaching,
Lord take it away.
It's so suffocating,
Lord take it away.
It's bad for my heart,
Lord take it away.

Please.

I don't wanna hope in the dark,
Lord take it away,
I don't wanna wish so painfully,
Lord take it away,
I don't wanna feel so bad,
I wanna be happy again,
So Lord, take it away.

Please.

welcome to the club

You think you have a lot of friends.
You think you know a lot of people.
But sometimes.
You suddenly feel like you're all alone in this world.
Yes, all alone.
Nobody seems to understand.
Nobody seems to care.
Nobody seems to notice.

If you're to ever feel these,
welcome to the club.
Just want you to know that,
you're actually not alone.

I've been there. (And still am. Prolly always will.)
I understand how it felt.
Yes, I do.

Since we're feeling the same way,
welcome to the club.
I'll cheer you up.
You'll cheer me up.
We'll never be alone anymore.

conditional love

Just what is love? No, I'm not talking about parental love or Godly love. I'm talking about the feelings that is between persons of different gender.

Ever wonder what that love truly is? That mushy little feeling you have inside you, whenever you see that person. That heartache that develops whenever you think of them. The way they never seem to fade from your mind. What is that actually about, and what caused it?

Is it because of the way their hair look in the sun? Is it because of the way the person smiles? Is it the way the person looks you in the eye?

Or is it because of how the person handle themselves in the midst of people? Is it the way they handle their conversations with people? Is it the way they seem to be deeply concerned with people?

Or is it because of how they shine among all others? Is it because of how they stand out in the crowd?
Or you're totally clueless of the reasons.

What makes a person, a person?

Is it the appearance, the character, the habits, or simply the combination of all these factors?

Appearance may change over time.

Character may deteriorate.

Habits may disappear.

What happens when all the above happens? That the person is not the same person anymore? That he/she is another person?

When you love someone because of one or more of these factors, what happens when it changes?

If you love because of how beautiful the person is to you, do you not love anymore when their appearance change?
If you love because of how dedicated and benevolent a person is, do you not love anymore when these things vanish?

Is there a reason to love when a person is not who the person was before?

We are told to love people for who they are, but the dilemma is, what makes a person, the person that they are?

So, when you love a person, ask yourself why. And when the elements that made you love the person is no more, do you stop loving?

addiction

No matter how little time spent away from You,
It always made me feel like it's been forever.

Even if it's 2 hours of playing a game,
Or 1 hour of reading comic,
It always left me feeling that,
It's been forever.

I hate this feeling,
Greatly.

I must've been addicted to You.

lying

Did my replacement lab today. Nearly wasn't allowed to do it. The reason? I wrote "oversleeping" in the "reason" column. The lab assistant went "Huh? Oversleeping also can replace???" I don't remember clearly what happened, but I remembered saying "because no one's dumb enough to write oversleeping as their reason for missing the lab." How bold of me.

To cut the long story short, I was allowed to do my lab. But I'm not sure if my marks will ever be counted if someone else get to see my lab replacement form. XD

If you think "oh, he's trying to show that he's a man of great faith," I tell you no.

Yes, being overly honest can cause me my lab marks, it'll save me A LOT of trouble if I just lied in the first place. But I didn't, not because I have faith that God will deliver me from this trouble. I did wrong. And I don't deserve this grace, but it was given anyway, and I gladly accept it.

The reason for being overly honest and not lying is because I had enough of feeling depressed after each lie. Enough is enough. Even if it cause me unnecessary trouble, or being hated, or shunned, I'd still do it.

Even if I get caught for intentionally/unintentionally breaking the law and hinted to give bribe, I hope I'm bold enough to give a big NO, even if that means being thrown into the prison or whatever. It's because I believe there are reasons to rules, and they ought to be followed.

The law is made to protect people, not to trouble them.

That is what I believe, and to act otherwise would only brand me as a hypocrite.

That might be why I can never own a business, where little little lies might be involved. XD

And while I believe honesty is important, I also believe that there are things that doesn't need to be said. You can't lie if you don't say anything right? ;)

Hope this blessed you.
And don't judge me! I know I'm wrong for oversleeping, but................. ugh. bleh. Who never oversleeps anyway right? XD

waiting

Waiting for the day when I can finally tell you that,

You're a friend, that I admired, and loved,
But I tried my best,
To make that feeling go away,
And now I'm glad to say,
You're just a friend from now on.
A good friend.

Yes, I'm waiting for it, patiently.

me and You

Do you think I wanted to do everything myself?

I know you're ok with me asking for favours,

But I'm not ok with it.

Yes, it's my problem.

I have trouble in human communications.

Think I wanted that?

I've improved from before.

But I kept getting worse.

Need grace, more than before, more than this.

If You think it's sufficient, fine.

Just don't leave me and let me face it alone.

I need You, evermoreso.

please

cracking under pressure.

I wanted to be better.

But my nature forbids me to.

I need changes.

In within.

God, please.

Please.

we are forgetful

About 2 weeks ago, I missed my lab session. And getting a replacement will not be easy, as I can't bring myself to give any untruthful excuses. Got myself the lab replacement last week, but that's another story.

The feeling of missing that lab was not pleasant, for I've prepared for it the night before. And instead of putting the blame on everyone else except myself, I was forced to realise that this is indeed my mistake.

For the times I can sleep earlier but I didn't,
For the times I did useless stuff, when I can sleep earlier,
For the times I played game, when I can sleep earlier.

Thus I vowed to fast game for 2 weeks. The main reason was so that I can use the gaming time to do more important stuff, and if possibly, to sleep earlier.

At first it was probably fine, but after a week, I found myself staring at the monitor of my computer most of the time, counting the time to the end of the fasting vow.

I couldn't believe myself. I'm utilizing the time to idle around instead!

The reason I fasted in the first place was forgotten.

Well, there's still few more days before I can play games again, and hopefully with this realisation, I can fulfill the true purpose of the vow. XD

And aren't we all like that? There'll be a time when we suddenly forget the reason to the things we're working so hard on.
Some even wonder why are they faithfully serving in churches, and cf.

Yes, the reason was forgotten, because it has become a routine.

The next time you wonder why you are doing the things you're doing, look back, and rediscover the very reason of it.

It's hard to stop something from becoming a routine, but it's not that hard to stop, look back, and to remember.