cannot

What, you want to do it, but you can't?

You mean, you've tried it? No? How about this: try for a year, every single day. And after that, if you still can't, come, and I'll hear of your disappointments.

Oh, you don't want to? Because although you've never tried it, you know you can't?

Then please find another 'friend' of yours who would listen to your whines, repeatedly. Someone who would pat you on the head and says, 'Now now, you don't have to try to be better, even though you've not tried to, simply because you just knew that you can't. Right. You'll never be able to, so, here's a cookie." *Om nom nom*...

Oh, such love your friend has for you. He even gave you a cookie!

seek first...

I want to feel important. I want to feel indispensable.

But why is it that I kept forgetting the more I strive to be important, the more I work at being indispensable, that the very same thing I'm running after, are running away from me?

Why do I kept forgetting that honour, glamour, and crown, these I never did earn?
Why do I kept forgetting that rich robes, scepter and prestige, these, they were given! And is given! And will be given!

But my job is not to seek them; they're mere bonuses, not the wage! Oh, when will this heart repent!

To Your side, o' Lord. Onwards, into Your charge. Let me not fall from Your sight; pull me to Your side.

Make me seek what should be sought. Let me wrought till the breath is naught.

youth

The more you worry that your youth will flee, the faster it will.

lifelong

"You've told me this is my ministry. You asked me to work on this. Now it's in shambles. I've failed. You've failed me. I'm ashamed... How can you do this to me?"

"When did I ever say that this is going to be your lifelong ministry, that this is going to be your work for the rest of your life? You asked me for a calling and I gave one to you. You accepted and you've been faithful. Now, if you please, let's move on to the next thing. I've got more plans for you."

"...Oki!" *smiles*

I'm right, because God...

I think I cringe every time I hear a Christian says "because God " when they're debating with non-Christian(s).

DO'H. AS IF THESE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOUR GOD. AS IF THESE PEOPLE TREMBLE IN FEAR OF YOUR GOD.

Until the day these people tremble in fear of your God*, I suggest you think of more intelligent and rational** arguments to use.

*I'm not suggesting that you go and terrorise them. That is not how our God works. And no, you don't get to justify this thought/idea by quoting from the Old Testament. Yes, things were quite colourful during ANE*** era, but that's only because there is a very good reason for that. You doing it to win a debate is not a very good reason enough.

**To train your "rationality," you may start here.

***If you don't get what I'm talking about, or even easier, if you don't even know what ANE stands for, quit that debate/argument. For now. I'm not going to tell you to never do that, but at least do it when you're properly equipped, and is informed enough. At least you would not look ignorant and stupid. And worse, to look like you're closed-minded****. And don't casually invoke God's name like it bears no meaning. Doing so disrespects your own God more than any non-Christian can ever do.
For this, you can start here.

****Now, I have no problem with you being closed-minded, as long as it's for the correct reason. There's not many things that are worse than appearing like an idiot for the wrong reason. If you want to be stubborn, do so intelligently and elegantly.

stupidity

I believe that if we ignore the stupid (people), they don't exist.

...

Well, I try to believe that.

...

Sigh...

opinion

Everybody has opinions: I have them, you have them. And we are all told from the moment we open our eyes, that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. Well, that’s horsepuckey, of course. We are not entitled to our opinions; we are entitled to our informed opinions. Without research, without background, without understanding, it’s nothing. It’s just bibble-babble. It’s like a fart in a wind tunnel, folks.

- Harlan Ellison

semantics

So, you really think it is all just semantics?
You really think that that little difference in wordings does not matter?
That that subtle difference does not change the meaning?

If you insist on it, then I must apologize. I'm sorry for overestimating your intelligence.

no choice

When you said you don't have a choice, I think you meant you don't have any other convenient choice.

stupidity

If you think that people who look down on others who they think are stupid, are stupid, I agree. I'm one of them.

endearing hypocrisy

There are people who dislike others making sacrifices for their sake, but they would've done the same.

And that is one of the many kinds of hypocrite that I'm fond of.

selflessness

Have you ever been (or did something) selfless, and someone comes to you and tells you that you shouldn't be. They tell you that you should be more selfish.

And these the same people who bemoans that the world is lacking of selfless people.

Is it me, or they don't really know what they want?

envy

Isn't it funny that when someone criticizes what our principle and lifestyle, they also envy it?

halfway

I have two ways to say goodbye.

The first would be to say it now, to say it in words. To do this, the sole purpose would be for the tears.

The second would be to say nothing at all, and to let time deal with the memory. Time and space will sweep things away, slowly, but surely.

Can I?

Maybe, just maybe your tears would convince me that I'm not unloved. That I'm loved. That I meant something...

But this would also serve to convince me that I do not love you as much as I think I do, for if I really do love you as much as I think I do, I wouldn't, no, couldn't bear to see you cry. Not ever.

I guess I just don't love you enough.




Or perhaps, just perhaps, that you couldn't care less.

untitled

If I'm your friend, I guess you don't need enemies, aye?

learn, educate

While we may complain that we're better off without our current education system, lack of it has been cited as the primary reason for poverty and social ills.
Maybe we ungrateful ones should trade places with those who are desperate for it, hmm?

Plus, these days, I find it harder and harder to differentiate between the educated (or perhaps ill-educated) and the uneducated, and more often than not, the latter could've been easily thought to be the former if one were to judge based on attitude and manner.

No, the second paragraph is not an argument against education. If we were to recognize that being a teacher does not imply that one has learned all that is necessary, but should still strive to gather knowledge, shouldn't it be obvious that a bad student cannot make a good teacher?

le petit foi

I hide my faith because of my weaknesses,
My weaknesses, they seem bigger than my faith,
Out of fear for my faith,
Fearing it be overwhelmed,
I hid it.
I hide my faith, where it is safe,
My faith is hidden where it is safe,
Because I am fearful for my small, little faith.

attention

I crave for attentions.

And that is exactly why I go to lengths to avoid them.

socialization

I have a disease. I have the tendency to inhibit growth in people, simply because I'm a misanthrope.

Don't ask me out for casual hang outs. Even if you find me charming. Trust me, you'll like me more if you see me less.

Find me only when you have problems. Problems that people in your normal elite circle can't deal with.

So, when you don't need me, please. I'm not the kind of person that waits for people to call me to go out and stuff. I'm perfectly fine in my own hole, with my books, with my access to the www.

I am but an anti-social-crowd-phobic-extrovert. Social gathering pains me.

OK, not really. I actually like going to weddings and see your smiling faces. :)

unpolished

Next to doing the right thing, the most important thing is to let people know you are doing the right thing. - John D. Rockefeller

Why? Because people are dumb. More often than not, things people don't see, don't exist; things they hear, do.

Oh, yes, we're not supposed to boast. But worse than boasting, is to purposely leaving people around you with the wrong impression. To allow them to wallow in that lie is a sure sign of irresponsibility.

Uh, by the way, if you can't do it without appearing desperate or proud or boastful, forget it. To continue in that untactful manner is to be irresponsible in a way that is worse than NOT saying anything at all.

pleasantly dreadful

I'm bent on letting her go through many things on her own. I cannot allow any hint that I can be depended upon, because she needs to learn on how to depend on people other than me.

But why is it that this heart is gripped whenever I think or read of the things that she's going through?

It's just like how I am fond of a woman who is hardworking, but it pains me that she has to work hard. A true contradiction, or a valid paradox?

Perhaps my heart isn't as cold as I thought it is. I might rejoice in this for a bit, but I'll be honest: this possibility is to me both pleasant and dreadful.

intelligence

If I would confess that I'm intelligent, then I am a mere fool because I know I am not; If I would say that I'm not, I have lied.

role model

If you're young and looking for someone you can respect and look up to, yet could not find any, how about start working to become someone that others one day can.

imperfection

There have been many period in life where I would look at my life and think to myself, oh, how I would like to get this-and-that done, perfectly if possible. Then I'll be happy.

But if so, then what?

Do I know myself enough to say that when it's all said and done, that I'm such a person to say, "let's look for something else to go after in life," or will I scare myself by saying, "that's all there is in my life; there's nothing else to look forward to?"

Hmm... I think I'll just allow myself to be contented with all imperfections I'm currently having.

Plus, I think imperfection is cute. ;)

phonecall phobia

I used to think that my fear of realtime phone calls is because of a certain-childhood-experience-induced phobia.

But now, I think it has got more to do with my sorry-my-cacated-ear-can't-get-you ear.

those promises

Now that I think about it, it seems like I've been getting a lot of reminder these days.

With the shifting, I-can't-deal-with-these-people-anymore, financial worries (yeah right. I don't even know how this came into the list. When looking at the actual record, it's a joke that it's there) and whatnot, it seems as if it's a call of "hey, when are you going to fulfill that promise you made Me?"

Well, not that I didn't realise it earlier; I just didn't want acknowledge it.

I did say that when you takes care of people, God will take care of you. And with all my promises of service, and the ring on my finger...

But of course, the fearful me would still not dare to tread the first step after admitting knowledge of all these things... So, are You going to poke me some more?...

game

This so-called love seems like some sort of game these days.

And I don't feel like playing anymore.

OK

I used to wonder why is it that most of things I say to you are just 'OK's.

I think I know why now. The only alternative is very undesirable.

severed

It's that time of the year again,
Let it continue, what has been placed on hold.

And the string-severecutting shall continue.

period

Don't ask me to open my eyes to see the world as it is,
For I fear the flowing would not cease,

Don't ask me to love more than I already have,
For I fear the stream would not end,

Don't ask me to give an embrace when I cannot,
For I fear this heart would not stop breaking...

time's up

It's been almost a year, and the call came tonight.

My time here is up.

hypocrisy

One of the thing that irks me the most is when a hypocrite calls another person hypocrite, but never realising that he himself is one.

Hey, have you looked into the mirrors lately? Count your own warts first, then only you're qualified to count others of theirs.

No, I'm not asking you to not judge people. I'm saying that according to my simple standards, you're allowed to say that others suck, only if you first admit that you suck too. Maybe then you would look less like a fool, and your emotional accusation would bears some weight.

fare thee well, acquaintances

Browsing through my Instant Messenger list and my Internet Social Networking list makes me sad.

How many acquaintances have I met, that are then turned into a new entry in a list, and after so many years later when looking at the list triggered me to say, "ah, I once knew them?"

This makes me really, really sad. I would normally analyze my own feelings, in an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do but for this case, I rather not.
Why wouldn't I? Because the question is irrelevant.
How so?

Before that, I would like you to know that this list of acquaintances was created before I was smarter. Before I was wiser. No, not wise, but relatively wiser than before (or so I hope). Since then, I've tried my best not to make more acquaintances in the guise of "friends." I've subscribed to the principle that friends should be like books, few but good.

I've also raised the bar of my definition of "friends," to become "people who are willing to die for me." I suspect some would think that my demand is ridiculous, but I rather think of it as honouring those who already are. Why should I equate these precious people with you people, who are just merely people I somehow knew?

But I'll be honest with you. This definition of "friends" prevents me from knowing whether I have any. I cannot answer the question of "so, do you have any friends then," since it's not only a problem of being a wrong question, but also it is a problem of asking the wrong person. It is meant for people around me to evaluate whether they are my friends, or perhaps more accurately, whether they want to be one (or still be one). After all, you don't actually choose your friends; they decide whether they want to be one.

So, I hope with this, you understand why I find it irrelevant to analyze the reason I am sorrowful whenever I think of fading acquaintances. If you don't, don't bother. I assure you that your time will be better spent doing other things.

Tonight is the night when I shall mourn for those I've met, who ended up as being someone on my lists. And also for those who will eventually end up as just someone on my lists.

Oh, no. For those who consider themselves my friends, please do not rally to my side just to show me that I have some. To me, such "proof" is no proof. It is not for me to know who are my friends, but for you to know whether you are mine. Plus, I rather that you spend your time with someone else. That is what you should do if you think yourself as my friend. It'll be my honour if you would do so, even though I would have no knowledge of it.

I would not appreciate your effort, nor would I be able to. And I'm an introvert.


So, to those who I barely knew, or have become so, I wish you well.
I wish you well.

ethical unethical tactfulness

Here’s a pointer that I hope would help some of you express your opinion more efficiently or while having a discussion in a non-professional/amateurish environment. :

If you’re about to write something that might be controversial,

1. Use the word ‘maybe’! It’s your best friend! Or,
2. Start your sentence(s) with the phrase, ‘I suspect.‘ Or,
3. Any way you can find to help the people you’re addressing not fall into the illusion that they are compelled/forced/smothered to accept your arguments or opinion.

Even if you’re an expert in the topic, one must maintain an appearance of humility, and gentleness and things like that.

Remember, contrary to popular belief, people don’t really care about who you are, only who you appear to be. Now, if my suggestion sounds unethical, remember, it’s more unethical to distract people from the content of your arguments by your careless choice of words and untactful structuring of sentences.

the day

I'm one to live everyday realising that the next second might not be there.



But hugs can wait, for one right day.

amusement

Counting, I should be giving tithe worth of RM X28.50 for the salary I've received.

So, just before I left for church service, I counted the money in my wallet.
RM 29.
Coins in pocket?
40 cents.

Hmm... 10 cents more, and it's RM 1 extra. I'll withdraw an extra RM 200 for my other expenses then.

So, off I went. Upon arriving, I returned two books, and since it's a week late, I'll have to pay RM 1 extra. RM 28 left. After having done with other works, off I went to the ATM. So, how much did I intended to withdraw again? Ah, RM X00+200. And with great blurness I keyed in "X00." Ugh. Should I withdraw again? (Because they charge RM 1 for withdrawing money from an ATM of different bank) It's ok, I won't need it till I go to the petrol station to fill up the tank. I can withdraw the money from there.

So, off I went for brunch. It was RM 2.6. Tea was 40 cents. RM X28.40 left.

Went back to the church building for the Sunday service. Got the only 10 cents from the car to complete the amount of the tithe. Dropped RM X28.50 into the envelop. RM 2 left.

Just before going back, I asked my sister whether she wanted anything from the area I'm at, and she said no. That means I'll be withdrawing money from the petrol station after all.

Went to fill up the tank, and withdrew RM 200 from the ATM. Spotted cotton candy. No price tag spotted anywhere. Paid RM 2 for it. There's still 5 pieces of 20 cents coin in the car, but I'm not gonna push my "luck" too far.

It's been an amusing day. ;)