friendship

Isn't our presence supposed to be an encouragement to another?

But why is it that it's us that drives people away, to discourage them from ever wanting to be living together?

For my friends who are annoyed at my nature of liking to wander off alone, I'm sorry, but you've gotta live with it.
If you can't accept me for being who I am, and wanting to change me, then you're not being much of a friend to me. But being your friend is what I have chosen to be, and will continue to be, even when we're no longer near.

Is going solo bad?
Is lone wolf-ing wrong?

Just so you know, you're not the only people I interact with, if you have yet to notice.

I talk to lecturers, fellow classmates, the guy who sells me drink, my housemates (awfully a lot), christian friends, non-christian friends, and a lot more.

And I'm not the kind that would just tell someone, or lash out whenever I dislike a certain behaviour belonging to anyone.

I deal with it by talking to God, and by wandering off alone, seeing this world, meeting and talking to strangers, seeing the poor, and observing people who are so busy with their life.
It makes me realise that I am inadequate too, though at times I just stubbornly refuse to admit and choose to be angry.

If I were to go out with any of you, such things I can never do, and experience. I admit that there are also things that I can do only when I'm with you all, and for that reason, we do hang out quite a bit too right?

And I do not want to live by how people want me to live. I do not want to yield to people's expectations, I refuse to live by your rules and for that, I am sorry.

If you like and love me for who I am, let me be, but do correct me when I am wrong, truly wrong, and not just because I'm not doing things your way.

And sorry too that my friendship is unlike that of others. I'm not the kind that'll fly a drink from somewhere far for you, nor am I someone who calls you and say hi and chat about a lot of things every now and then, and I'm definitely not the kind that is able to hang out casually and just converse.

My friendship is the kind that lets you know that I am always here for you, whenever you are in need of help of any kind. My friendship is the kind that just pops some flowery lines to you if I am able to see that you're down, without wanting to probe further. My friendship is the kind that says sorry whenever I say too much, and running off most of the time, not wanting to hurt you even further.

An acquaintance of mine once said that I am disallowing people from enjoying my friendship, but I think, my friendship is the kind that you wouldn't wanna have. You can brand me emo, sad, pessimistic or whatever for this remark, but it's not.
If you've already know me, know that I'll try my best to hurt you less, and be more of a blessing to you. I'll try not to spoil your day with uncontrolled words, or doing stupid things.

To you, my dear friends, I can't just go on telling you that I love you a lot and do nothing, for I understand that it is through action and deeds that the feeling from within is expressed.
But just because I don't love you the way you want me to, doesn't mean that I don't.

I have made the decision to be your friend, and there are not many things that can change that. For the friendship that I have given, I require no reciprocation for it, and I do not expect any rewards, apart from seeing your smile and your joy in life.

Forgive me for my inability to live up to your expectations, and forgive me for I am not worthy of your friendship; I only know that you're worth mine.

conclusion

The question of whether anyone's heart is bound to me, or mine to someone is irrelevant;

For I have yet to be worthy to take hold of a maiden's hand.

thankful praises

Praises be to You,
The wonderful God who goes beyond all understanding,
The awesome God whose goodness is without end,
The great God who loves, and never stop loving.

Thank You,
For the results that is well, even while not up to my hope, it was still well, despite my shortcomings, despite my imperfection.

Thank You,
For the life that is still within me,
That I'm not yet dead,
Let me not die of a worthless death,
But if I were to die, let it be in Your arms, while I am living for You.

Thank You,
For the friends I am given,
For the blessings that they are,
Though at times, I am unworthy of their company.

Thank You,
For all the times You make me smile,
Remind me of my vows,
To not let ANYTHING to ever take away the happiness that I have,
To not be bothered by discouragements,
And to always, be joyful in Your presence, in Your love.

Thank You,
For the life plans that I have in mind,
If I were to ever live that long,
Thank you for allowing me to see farther,
Through my failure, through my shortcomings.

Thank You,
For revealing Your will to us at the time it's supposed to be,
Not earlier, not later,
For enabling us to see Your plans for what it is,
For not having us as Your servants anymore, but friends.

Thank You,
For wonders shown,
Small ones that are greater than the larger ones,
For blessings poured,
For a life, given to be lived even more abundantly,
Overflowing, our heart cannot contain the love that You have for us.

Thank You,
With unworthy words,
It cannot perfectly describe Your goodness,
Words cannot say it all,

Only through our deeds, that we give it back to You,
Only through the things we do, that we can ever say that we love You too.