Miracles

How often do we give thanks for all the "little little miracles" that He allowed to happen?

An exam passed, prolly with good results?
A project done, despite really bad circumstances?
A really good journey out, or just hanging out with friends?

We seem to be under the impression that we deserve good things, that if bad things happen to us, we whine and sulk. And we blame God, asking Him why, why, why.

Sometimes, we are passionate for miracles, that if something extravagant does not happen, we feel down.

"That's so plain. Where's the miracle?"
Heck, it's right in front of you.

We seem to be under the impression that everything goes well because they ought to, because that's how things are, and when things are not well, it's an abnormal occurence.
Are we so pampered that we're taking things for granted???

I am a great lover of miracles, be it small or big, be it plain or extravagant, because it reminds me that my God is good, because it strengthens my faith in Him, because it gives joy to my heart.

It can be in the form of a lift that opens the moment I'm in front of it;
It can be in the form of a surprisingly good exam result;
It can be in the form of a day well spent.

And often, these are so common in our lives, that we see it as normal. We see it as something that should happen.

If so, let me tell you this, that in this imperfect world, the most normal thing that should happen is people dying everywhere, even right in front of your eyes, almost every moment.
If so, let me tell you this, that in this imperfect world, natural disaster should happen every now and then, with high probability of occurence.
If so, let me tell you this, that in this imperfect world, you should not have any reason to be happy, nor can you be happy.

Things are well because God is good. He spread His arms in love to shelter us from things that we so deserve: bad lucks.
And He protects us, believer and non-believer alike, because we're all His creations, and He loves each one of us, and do not wish us doom.

Often, when things are unwell, I would be extra reverent to God, praying earnestly, but when the thing passed, I act as if I deserve it, as if it should happen.
I often forget to be thankful.

Guard yourself against unthankfulness. Don't delight yourself in God's gift, delight yourself in Him.
If God bless you everyday with miracles, even with the extravagant ones, since you're human, there are high chance that you'll treat it as normal, having seen it too much.

Remember that the natural is just supernatural with high frequency of occurence.

Whatever Jesus meant when He said this, let us not be an evil and adulterous generation that seeks after a sign, and that no sign will be given to us except the sign of the prophet Jonah. (Matthew 12:39, rephrased)

If even the Hebrews would turn away from God just after the wonders they witness in Egypt, what guarantees that our faith is sealed if miracles are often poured on us?

As often as you can remember, and as often as you can remind yourself, delight yourself with the Giver, rather than the gifts.

"Be not deceived, Wormwood, our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." - A letter from a devil to another devil. The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis.

onwards

There are times we look behind and say, "Ah, all the things in life we're going to miss," and when we look in front, we cannot help it but exclaim with great sadness, "Ah, all the things that these people would've missed, not knowing of the love and works of Christ!"

We are not people of great goodness, nor are we compassionate and kind and benevolent.

We are merely people who are compelled to feel what we feel, and to think what we think, by the love of God which He placed within us by our own willingness.

We do not find our love from within us, nor did we generate it, nor have we made it, but we were loved, and it is through that love that we have ours.

We do not attribute our acts of good works and great love to ourselves, for we know it is not from us, but we are merely the compelled stewards of God.

So, whenever you feel compelled to praise us, stop. Praise our God instead.
Be reminded that we are merely people who do good things because we are compelled to do it by His love.

all

I dislike being call a minister. I mean, as in ministering to the needs of people, especially friends.

I refuse to categorize the things that I do as ministering, no matter how much they appear to be so.

Perhaps because the term seems to indicate superiority.

Perhaps because the term seems to indicate one-sided benefit.

Do you know that as much as you avail yourself to tend to the needs of others, most of the time it actually caters to yours as well?

Do you know that everytime you make a decision to bless someone, while it is God's will that the person be blessed, it is also His will that you're blessed through the action?

Let's take tithing as an example.

I guess you've heard of prosperity gospel before? The one that says the more you give to God, the more you'll get? Actually, it's not totally incorrect, though it is inaccurate.
It actually does work. Why? Simply because they're doing the right thing, though for the wrong reason.

For now, it is my belief that the proper reason of why we tithe, is firstly, to accomplish God's plan and will, whether it's for a big project, or simply to bless someone who is in need financially.
It also serves as a test given by God, to see how faithful and obedient we are to Him in dealing with the resources that He has given us.

If we aren't even faithful in dealing with the very little that has been given to us, what guarantees that we'll be faithful in dealing with more than what we already have?
If it's hard for us to give out 10 when we're given 100, wouldn't it be harder to give out 10,000 when we're given 100,000?

Now, I'm not saying that you should tithe until you have nothing left to use. You're given wisdom, but if you lack, ask.
If you just give until you have nothing left, that fact does not shows that you're a faithful steward, but someone who uses your God-given resources recklessly.
You've been given wisdom. Use it. But if you lack, ask from Him who gives freely.

Coming back to the original topic, there's almost never a such thing as one-sided blessing. Everytime you bless someone, you would most probably be blessed also in return, whether you realise it or not.

When you "minister" to someone, chances are that you're being ministered to as well.
Everytime you give advices, chances are that those advices would benefit you as well.
When you choose to accompany someone who's lonely, chances are that the whole event is also meant to provide for your loneliness as well.

Now, I do not mean that you should give all your resources, time and cash, to people around you. You've been given wisdom. Use it. If you lack, ask from Him who gives freely.

There is a time for everything.
For resting,
To be alone with God,
For hanging out with friends,
To be with family,
Mourning,
Rejoicing,
Crying,
And smiling.

So, the next time you "minister" to someone, do not do it feeling superior; but also do not do it for the sake of to be blessed in return - that's selfishness and insincere.

Just be glad for a chance to give, and a chance to receive.

I am always in awe everytime I think about how we've come to this world, empty handed,
But God, out of His love gave us something, so that we can give a portion back as a thanksgiving,
and when we do so, He has a reason to give us even more than what He has already given us.

He gave us first, that we could give Him back, that He can give us more.

So Lord, this is my all, everything that You've given me, everything that You've added unto me;
It is Yours, so claim me for Thyself, with much jealousy, with much love, with much covetousness.

"If He who in Himself can lack nothing chooses to need us, it is because we need to be needed." - The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis.

royalty

Let me seek more than humanly praises,
Let me seek Your will.

Let me seek more than a lady's affection,
Let me seek Your love.

Let me seek more than worldly achievements,
Let me seek Your approval.

Let me seek more than carnal pleasures,
Let me seek Your fulfillment.

Let me seek more than who I am,
Let me seek You.



I am so filthy that I would die, my mind, they're never pure.
They asked me seek goodness within myself, these I never found;
And I know that they're never there.

Woe is me to die in my sins,
For not even my good deeds can save me, and even these I have none!

Oh how haggardly trodden is the cross!
But oh, how beautiful is the land beyond it, where the light is never dim, view more beautiful than the most glorious sunset!

Woe is me for the land I can see but cannot go.

But happy am I, for He died, and He lived!
He died, and my sins died with Him, He suffered, He suffered, to my regrets, He suffered.
And He lived,
Carrying my hands, He braved everything,
He made sure my pair of filthy and disgusting feet stepped into the beautiful land,
He cleansed me, from my hair to the toe of both my foot,
He clothed me with princely robes, He adorned me with priceless jewels,
He treated me as His own,
He treated me like His own son,
The man who nailed Him to the cross.

I bow before You.
I am nothing without You.
These I know, but many times I ran away.

You accept me no matter what,
You forgave me, when no man can.
Again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

So, remind us Lord, always?
That we are nothing without you,
and our royalty, is but from You.

You accepted us as Your own,
Princes and Princesses You made us,
Heavenly royalties, we became,
Because of who You are.
Simply because of who You are.

I bow, and I confess, that "the Lord is my salvation, I am nothing without Him, He raised me up like the eagles;
He loved me, and even death cannot do us part."

when

When in doubt, rejoice, for you have the privilege to be.

When persecuted, whether physically, mentally, or spiritually, rejoice, for you're counted worthy to suffer for Him.

When weak, rejoice, for you shall be strengthened.

When feeling inadequate and lacking, rejoice, for you will be perfected.

And when feeling far from God, rejoice, for perhaps that is when He's nearest.

untitled

I've made it a point to never apologize for being who I am.

But can I ever apologize enough for all the hurts done during my process of becoming a better person, a better follower of Christ...?

favour

Ahhhhh..................

Can't I see a favour when I see one?

Was saving money on food, when the seller offered me extra dish for free (I assumed) since he wanted to close off already.

............And I said no.

Mehhhhh................

I regretted it as soon as I stepped out of the shop, and while I was walking back.

Was it from pride that I said no, or was it uncertainty?
What caused me to missed such a favour, and will I continue to miss such favours in the future?
Will my pride and nature cause me to miss more of such possible-God-given favours?

But then while I was contemplating the whole thing, I started to wonder with a different perspective.

Was such incidence a favour missed, or a favour gained?

While it looked like a favour, how if I was meant to reject it; how if it would've caused me illness instead?

I can cry a thousand tears at the thought of missed opportunities, but what if those "grave misfortunes" were never misfortunes afterall?

"You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name."
"I believe that all things work together for the good of those who love God, for those those who are called, according to His purpose."
"My God is glorious and mighty, He has never failed me, and will never do; He is beyond my expectations. I shall not let my shortsightedness prevent me from daily giving Him thanks, even when things are not as I wanted them to be, or that they do not seem good at all in my sight."

- I'm still learning to really mean these words that I proclaim often.

How can I not trust that He'll always be here to complement me my mistakes, as He had promised me, when, as my best friend put it:

"I know my God is faithful, I've proven Himself oft before."

not regretted

Should there be any mistake in the practise of present day Christianity, it's in giving people the time, space and freedom to get to know Jesus Christ.

Should there be any mistake in the practise of present day Christianity, it's in giving people the time, space and freedom to change for the better.

And these we refuse to regret.

untitled

On the day that we were born our navel cord was not cut, nor were we washed in water to cleanse us; we were not rubbed with salt nor wrapped in swaddling cloths.

No eye pitied us, to do any of these things for us, to have compassion on us; but we were thrown out into the open field, when we ourselves were loathed on the day we were born.

And when You passed by us, and saw us struggling in our own blood, You said to us in our blood, 'Live!' Yes, You said to us in our blood, 'Live!'

You made us thrive like a plant in the field; and we grew, matured, and became very beautiful. Our bosom were formed, our hair grew, but we were naked and bare.

When You passed by us again and looked upon us, indeed our time was the time of love; so You spread Your wing over us and covered our nakedness. Yes, You swore an oath to us and entered into a convenant with us, and we became Yours,

Then You washed us in water; yes, You thoroughly washed off our blood, and You anointed us with oil.

You clothed us in embroidered cloth and gave us sandals of badger skin; You clothed us with fine linen and covered us with silk.

You adorned us with ornaments, put bracelets on our wrists, and a chain on our neck.

And you put a jewel in our nose, earrings in our ears, and a beautiful crown on our head.

Thus we were adorned with gold and silver, and our clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. We ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil. We were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to royalty.

Our fame went out among the nations because of our beauty, for it was perfect through Your splendour which You bestowed on us.

untitled

There are times when I wish I wouldn't have this heart of understanding.

There are times that I hate understanding why people do the things they do. Or why they are the way they are.

Else, I'd be free to blame, and to condemn, and to accuse as I like.
I'd prolly live an easier life.

But then again, things could be worse if I'm not already who I am now.

Sigh. Even while groaning of discontent, let it be my desire to desire what You desire.
Let Your will be done, and not mine.

My life, is never mine anymore, right? I've placed it on Your hands few years ago. Let me not take it back, knowing that it's in a better hand than mine.

Let me not worry, for You are with me.
Let me not fear, for am I not also a servant of the Most High?

Let me not fear of people, but them of me,
Of the things You would inspire me to say,
Of the things You would inspire me to do.

You're set to destroy the works of the devil, so let me tag along.

Let my fears draw me closer to You, seeking courage,
Let my tears draw me closer to You, seeking comfort,
Let my failing heart draws me closer to You, seeking encouragement.
Let my battered body and soul draw me closer to You, seeking healing.

I love You, let not this words fail, for You're a God of the impossible.

in awe

Is it not interesting that when God calls us, it's almost always when we're least prepared for it.

Well, He does prepare us for it, through hints, through nudges, through events, through conversations, but all in all, it's mysterious.

It's so mysterious and interesting that I almost couldn't care less about explaining it; I'd rather just watch and be fascinated.

We struggle with His calling, we wrestle it out, we cry, we whimper, we sulk.

It seems so hard to comply, it seems so hard to obey, UNTIL you obeyed.

When you've finally given in, you'd be so relieved and that such decision does not seem that hard to make afterall. But looking back, you know it is tough.

Why so? Is it because of how our human nature is determined to condemn our person to the depths of hell? Or is it because of temptation from our faithful adversary, the devil?

But it's fun that no matter what, if we do love God, He'll always get what He wants through us. (Doesn't mean He don't get what He wants if we don't love Him.)

We may go into that cycle of complaining to Him, bargaining with Him, arguing with Him.
We may even comply, but with personal agenda(s).

But it's fun to see that our own selfish motives get changed and remoulded, unwittingly, to fit His plans instead.

'All things work together for the good of those who *love* God, to those who are the called, according to *His purpose*.' - Romans 8:28

And even while writing this that I'm having a better understanding of this verse.

Reminds me of a time when I was assigned the task of preparing devotional material for a camp of the Christian Fellowship I belonged to (though I do not feel qualified for such thing.). I was planning to use that opportunity to address a certain issue I see prevailing among my beloved brethrens, only to find that the final product was totally different from what I intend it to be.

And the final form was such that I cannot change it back to fit my agenda.

My Lord gets what He wants, while not revealing His plans to me, and even through my selfishness, shapes me to be a better servant of His.

Well, others might deem the final product not good enough, but I couldn't care less. It's not my job to squeeze result out of people.

I saw how my Lord worked through me, with such elegance, mystery, and authority, that I can do nothing else but to bow down and admire Him of His wonderful ways.

Let me be with You in this wretched body for a while more, in awe of Your wonders and might, a witness among many, of Your goodness and greatness.

And let us be awed to such extent that we cannot help but to invite those around us to also be witnesses of Your awesomeness.

God-given passion

For those who have made it their life's passion to care for people, please do continue this wonderful work that God has placed in your heart to do.

Over the course of time, there would most probably be people who dislike you for it.

They would think that you're a pain, and you'd regret that you even cared.

But if I can even convince you with my words, believe me when I say that between caring and not caring, the regret of choosing the former would be much bearable compared to the latter.

Some would dislike you for caring, some would like you.
Some would like you for not caring, some would dislike you.

No matter what, people would still say things. Care for them anyway.

Trust me on this, that you can live better knowing that you're disliked for caring, rather than knowing what had happened when you did not.

But while on this business of caring, do learn to be more sensitive in words and deeds.
Learn what to say and what not to say.
Learn what to do and what not to do.
Learn when to act and when not to act.
And most importantly, learn to draw strength from God, ask Him for your heart's genuine love, beg Him for wisdom and knowledge.

And ultimately, let this passion and works draw you closer to God by the moments, for is He not the one that has placed it in your heart in the first place, and is He not the reason that you do all the things that you do?

May God bless you in this wonderful work, giving you much more than you can hold, that you would give to others from your overflowing abundance.

heartbreaks

There are times I wonder why the heck do I make such promises; why are such convenants swored?

Choosing to love individuals, and treating them accordingly, to the decision of love I've made.
Showering them with love and care.
Not expecting anything in return, because I'm not doing it so that I can be treated the same in return.

I love because I choose to.
I care because I've made a decision to do so.

But there are times, even with such mindset, that I wonder whether the person even care about these things that I do.

But searching deep within, it is not because I hope to have something in return when I do these things, but when individuals told me that I'm loved too.

If you do love and care for me, why do I feel that you're not?
If you do love and care for me, as you've said, I rather that you didn't say so.

I don't mind learning and trying to love people, but I can't stand it when people say that they love me, and do not act according to what they've said.

I rather you don't love me at all.

But for a while, just for a while, I turned the situation in the light of God, I beginning to wonder things.

I wonder how would He had felt for all the times we professed our love to Him, but we act in opposition to that confession.
How heartbroken are You, how many tears would You have shed?

You, who loved us first, and leaving the decision to love back fully in our hands. And even when we decide to love You in return, You left Yourself vulnerable to the shallowness of our human love, leaving Yourself open to constant heartbreaks.

And look Lord, how heartbroken have You made me, putting such love in my heart, to even feel a fragment of Yours would render me broken, making me collapse and be of no use.
You have placed me in a place to feel Your heartaches, You've placed me in a place where I cannot not do what You want me to do.

If these are my tears, how much more would You have shed?
If this is the extent of my heartaches, how much more are Yours?
If I'm so heartbroken seeing the strife and struggle of Your people, how much more are You?

For those who proclaim of their love for God, but in your deeds you bring shame to such proclamation, I pray that God would put His love into your heart, so much that your heart breaks.
For you who confessed of your love for God, but in your acts you disgrace your own confession, I pray that He would put you in places, in situations, to feel what He's feeling, so much that it breaks your heart.

Why such prayers, are these revenge?

How can I utter revenge when my God has place in my heart the passion to love you?

It is through these that I hope your life would be changed, that you can finally love for real, for has not such been your constant prayer?
It is through these that I hope you'd understand more of who He is, that you would not take Him for granted.
It is through these that I hope you'd step out of your comfort zone, to reach out to many, fulfilling your calling to be a blessing to many, to act out from the passion of your Lord.

May God fill your heart with love so much that it breaks your heart these days, that you would no longer sit still, but would instead turn to Him, to quench His passion for His creations.

acquaintanceship

Everyone is moving somewhere. There are times when our path crosses. And there are times when our path the same for a certain period of time, so we walk together.

We are but lamp holders bumping into one another. Some for a lengthy period of time, some moved on quick. No matter what, we need to go our own way, meeting new people, letting go of the old.

Sometimes, we are like stations. Resting stations for people who are weary. A friendship stop for people who needed it. A lamp holder for people to see for the moments. And often, other people serve us the same way we do them and others.

Most of the time, I feel like my lifelong calling is to be a middle person. God has made me one of the many connectors of one person to another, one of the many connectors of the past and the future.

And I need to learn to not hold on to most friendships for too long. The memory of it will last forever, but there are time I needed to let go of their hands, to let them pursue what they should, even with a broken heart at that.

The next time we don't meet or talk anymore, I shall know that you're already having a close friendship with the next person in this one way road, and that my company is unnecessary anymore. Do not deem it selfish, for we humans need each other, and that we are benefactors of one another. There would be a time when I am not needed anymore, and that God will send you your next friend.

All in all, whether it's in building a new friendship, or letting go of an old one, that God would draw us closer to Himself through all these, through our happiness and our heartbreaks.

Friendship don't necessarily last forever, but the memory of it will.

faith

Can one find peace amidst this chaos?
This unsettling fear, it lingers unceasingly,
In the heart of many.

Would there be calm, in this turbulence?
I can hardly imagine if there could be one.
Even if there be one,
It'll be but for a moment,
Leaving as quick as it comes.

But it is because of my God that I've come to know,
It is because of my Lord whom I've grown to love,
That I have hope.
A hope that arises from His love.

There can be peace in the midst of this unceasing chaos;
There can be calm in this crazy storm;
He will cause me to smile in the face of harm,
He will be my safety in the face of danger,
Because it is in my God that I trust.

Whether in life or death, He is with me;
Who can win against me?

There can be peace in the midst of this chaos;
There can be calm in this storm;
For it is in God that we trust.

Wedding Vows

Will you, in the midst of the comfort and/or conflict at home, do your best to attend to the poor and needy?

Will you, while having children of your own, if God gives, remember the orphans and broken homes, and if possible, to provide relief?

Will you, strengthened by your partner, not just be contented with the love of each other, but would have your marriage bring forth better things for others?

untitled

There exists many arguments and statements concerning reality that sounds so convincing and logical, but can never happen or exist apart from the linguistic world.


There also exists many arguments and statements that sounds so illogical, contradictory and paradoxical that it seems impossible for it to exist in reality, but are natural occurences.

Amusing world.

And I make it my aim to venture deeper into it.

pre-response

Yes, do continue with your speculations.
Continue to indulge in that tasty and juicy game of guessing; that tempting lie that your heart and the evil one devised, that you would be caught up in useless and time-wasting wonders.
Is it useful and absolutely necessary for you to know things that are purposely kept from your knowledge, with your health of mind in thought when such is done?
Go on, continue and indulge in things that are absolutely not useful and time-wasting and strife-inviting, that perhaps one day you would look back and regret upon it and have a better life, or perhaps would never realise about it even in death.

-a pre-thought response to a possible future speculation on my possible writings or words.-

future

Hey you.

Yes, you who has plans to be a husband, to get married.

Don't just dream and hope about it, please do start now.

Start working to be a good husband, to be a good father.

Rid yourself of your collection of pornography materials.
Rid yourself of that cigarette pack.
Rid yourself of that pride.
Rid yourself of unforgiveness.
Rid yourself of sin.

Seek God for strength.
Seek God for fruits of His Spirit.
Seek God for truth.
Seek God to prepare you to be a better person.
Seek God to replenish you.
Seek God's will for your life.

I don't want to see your wife crying just because you've never prepared to forgive her of her wrongdoings, or simply because you're too prideful to care about her, or cos you're busy watching your pornography, or because you're having sex outside marriage, or you're too busy pleasing yourself.

I don't want to see your kids running around, growing to be someone who's bitter towards other people, growing up to be someone who purposely causing trouble, simply because you're so easy to raise your hands to hit them, or too busy to discipline them, or too busy pleasing yourself.

I don't want to see those you claim you love contracting cancer, simply because you don't have the self-control to not smoke in front of them. I don't want to see them contracting diseases, simply because you don't have the self-control to not have sex outside of marriage.

You, who profess to love your girlfriend : Grow up and be a true man. Not the kind that continues watching porn, masturbating, or very selfish.

I beg you, please start your journey for betterment now. If you do plan to get married, if you do plan to love someone, these, I beg you do.

Please, don't wait till tomorrow; you might forget about it by then. And don't say you won't forget. I refuse to accept your excuses to see your loved ones cry the next time i see them.

bitter

A Christian can be at peace with God and self, but never with the world.

If he is to deceive himself that his patience and virtues are already perfected, and that he has already attained all the good character traits, he'll probably end up in trouble one day in his encounter with the world.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I'll go crazy with all these people around me, with their unforgiveness, with their mindset problems.

I would be glad to blame it on them, claiming that these people perhaps would one day be at peace with God, at the expense of the Christians who has been absorbing their hurts and problems.
They would have a good end, and the Christians who helped them would ended up all battered and hurt.

But I guess if the patience and virtues indeed comes from God, it wouldn't be such. Because it's not made up, it's not self-imposed, it's not something that is added to us, but instead became our being.

If such is the case, then I guess the bitterness and hurt behind these character of mine shows that I'm not there yet, and I shouldn't fake it. I won't just push people away, or do things differently because I'm admitting that it's not the true traits yet, but rather, to do the same thing, with a different way of thinking.

Did the shepherds change their ways just because they saw the infant Jesus?
They prolly did, but we don't know.
They could still be doing the same thing they've been doing for the years, but their views of life and of God would most surely change, because they've seen God's salvation.

So, I guess I'll still be doing the same things I've been doing, while admitting to my weaknesses and failures, looking forward to a better person God would make me in the future, be it near or far.

church

Why should there be a distinction between you and the church?

Why should there be a "the CF" and "me?"

Is not the church, you, and the christian fellowship, you?

If you, as an individual doing something to serve God, is that not also an act of the church, instead of you personally?

Aren't you the extending hand to reach where others care not to reach, or dare not to reach, or couldn't reach?

Why should there be a saying of "I'm doing what the church don't want or don't care to do?"

If you're doing it, does that not mean that the church IS doing it?

Oh, dearest brothers and sisters, why should there be a distinction between you and me? Why should there be a distinction between the you and the church?

You are part of the church, places and people you touch is an act of the church, inspired by God.

What your brethrens lack, you complement; what you lack, they do so too.

Can we be more loving, accepting, and complementary?

You, the beloved of God, please.

untitled

Lord, Lord,

I guess You just wouldn't let me be very comfortable,
I guess You just wouldn't allow me to do less,
I guess You just wouldn't allow me to do less to avoid more failures?

These things You've prepared me for, these things that You've put into my heart...

You do know how much You're demanding from me, right?

And these things that You wanted me to do, You know how much laughter and mocking I'll receive when things wouldn't work out as expected, right?
You also know that it means I have to be transparent, to expose things I never wanted to, to be vulnerable to people?

You do know all these that You're asking of me, right?

True, I can choose to be comfortable, and to ignore all these tuggings of the heart, but I also know that that is foolishly self-chosen shortsightedness.

So, this I propose, this I plead, that if all these are from You, and these are indeed what You wanted me to do, do take control.

Do anoint me.

Do bless me.

Because only You can.

It's ok for me to face failures, it's ok for me to be laughed at, it's ok for my weaknesses to be made known, but honestly, if it's from You, let me not miss this. Let me not be deceived to do otherwise.

Enable me to submit my all to You, to love You more than now, to yearn to look forward to the wonderful things that You'll do through this pair of small hands.

Because only You are deserving of this life.

And because only You can.

the future

Don't tell me that I'll know how things are when I'm out there, working or whatever, dealing with the real society.

I know how bad it's out there, I know how sucky it is.

It doesn't matter whether I've yet to be there, or is already there. Not much, at least.

If my life turn out great, what would your response be?

"You're lucky."
"Not yet, just you wait."
"God is unfair."

If my life turn out to be what you expect, or (silently wishing) hope, what would your response be?

"I told you so."
"See?"
"I told you so. (repetition)"

Are we to be conformed to the world, or are we here to be a light to others?

Not someone with superior mentality, or to be a blessings, but just to be a living testimony that there exist hope, that God is not dead.

We're not lighted so that people can see (though, that's part of the purpose), but to show people that there is actually Someone who lighted us first, and they too can be lighted up.

Yes, again, you can tell me, "you'll know when you're out there," and again it'll go like I've mentioned above.

But truly, no matter what I have to say, now, it'll always be "you'll know later..." with a hope that I do screw up, I do ended up badly, eh?

So, by you saying that, are you choosing not to bless me, but, to a certain extent, curse me?

Then, if I ever do screw up, I do hope that I'll have the faith and courage and knowledge to tell those who will come after me that, God is still good, no matter what.

I never deserve anything, not even Your sight to be set upon me,
But You saw me, and with love You lifted me and carried me with Your arms,
Adorn me with happiness, joy and glory; these I probably wouldn't have been able to taste,
And if You take these away,
Thank You that You have once gave,
Thank You that You have once loved. (though His love is for eternal.)

You give and take away, You give and take away...

untitled

Even when I refuse to plan too far ahead,
Even when I refuse to think further,
These visions kept coming, streaming down my mind.

Are these from you, or from my wishful thinking?
Make Yourself ever so true in every thoughts that I have,
In every decisions that I make.

I need You,
and in agreement, I declare that Your will be done,
In my life,
and especially in those that I've chosen to love.

mistakes

Do not be afraid of mistakes.

How much can a person learn from successes compared to mistakes?

But I'm not saying that one should go and make as much mistakes as they can. If a mistake happens, learn from it. Refuse to let it go until you've squeeze the last drop of juice from it. Do not let it go to waste.

Is it not for the reason of avoiding more mistakes that we try our best to learn from one that has already happened?

praise You

It's weird that when you go around seeking your own glory, it's either you won't get it or you'll never get satisfied, and will always want more.

But it is also funny that when you let go, and prefer to throw away your own and seek His glory, you're given so much more that you're confused.

You've already let go, as He wished you to, but why is He here, pouring everything unto you?

He gave not when you wanted, He gave all when you've given up.

What am I to do but to accept, and to give a praise of thanksgiving.

"Praise Him, praise the Lord!!!"

via Christus

"Come to Christ, all you who work and are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take His yoke upon you and learn from Him, for He is gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For His yoke is easy and His burden is light."
- Matthew 11:28-30 (paraphrased)

"He has come that you may have life, and that you may have it more abundantly."
- John 10:10b (paraphrased)


Having a sudden sense of peace with everything.

And at the same time feeling burdenful for my siblings in Christ.

Torn between self and the Spirit.

I can identify with that. But I can hardly remember the feeling of it anymore. My mind is more attuned to short-occuring incidents rather than periodic ones.

But I know I've been there. I even have a book to remind me, it's entitled "when good is not good enough," and another of my favourite, borrowed from the church library, "how to be a christian without being religious."

As I walk through life, I'm beginning to see clearer the struggle between our inner desires and God's Spirit.

To illustrate, it's like a stick with two ends. One is the sinful nature, and another is God's nature. As you walk in Christ, it's like you're slowly walking further and further from the bad end to the good end.

The real truth is probably more than this, but that's the least I can see from what I've experienced.

That's why it's hard to want to do the right things. That's why it's hard to want to be good. Your "self" is identified with the sinful nature all these while, and that's who you believe you are. And of course, you are all that you are.

But as God leads you along, as you walk with Him, your "self" slowly cease to identify with the sinful nature, and more of God's.

I understand, and I really, really understand what you're feeling; that hypocritical feeling, that "this is not me" thoughts, or the anger, the frustration, the disappointments.

But I plead you to remain in Christ, knowing that all these you suffer for Him is not in vain. You might not bear stripes of scars or bruises for Him, but these inner-struggle, you know who you suffer for.

Remain in Him, and He will remain in you. A fruit is not produced overnight, it takes time.
Is your God blind that He cannot see your desire to honour Him?
Do you think He is slow to come to your aid? His timing is impeccable!

"He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver;
He will purify the sons of Levi,
And purge them as gold and silver,
That they may offer to the Lord
An offering in righteousness"
- Malachi 3:3

And would I remind you that the job as a refiner is not easy, to have to sit uncomfortably and to focus on the work at hand, in the heat of the refining fire.

And it is beyond my understanding that God would accept our offerings, when He's the one that has given us all these in the first place.
He gave so that we can give, knowing that we have nothing to give, so that He can be given.

And it is beyond my understanding that He would pick us, little stones from everywhere, to polish us with all His might, so that we can be beautiful and worthy to be fixed to His magnificent crown.

So, do not burden yourself thinking that you're capable to do things *for* God. You merely respond to His gentle (sometimes not) calling and soft nudging, no matter where you are, no matter what it is.

It might be just picking up the litter that you notice from the street, or to just help a friend when you're about to sleep, or even in loving people who are lovable and unlovable.

So, this is my good news for you today,
For you, who are weary,
For you, who are tired,
That you don't become good for Christ; He makes you good.

untitled

One of a lady's prettiest moments would be when she's tending to an elderly with gentleness and care.

And one of her ugliest moments would be when she's talking about another person with disgust and loathe.

Hmm...

on His wings

Am entering a period of silence that I have no idea how long it'll be.

Am gonna disappear for a while, there are things I need to figure out.

There are reasons why you are asked to read the Bible, there are reasons why you are asked to always pray, there are reasons why you are asked to keep close to Christians, there are reasons why you are asked to do good deeds, even in your liberty in Christ.

Even when you don't understand, and cannot see why, would you not just obey, holding onto God strongly for the moment?

Too many things coming at once, again, surprisingly. Am going to tackle em all one by one, if possible.

There's no reason to rush things that shouldn't be rushed, I can only hold on to One who I know will always be faithful.

There'll be a time, that no matter how high you are, that you'll feel like you're falling.
You're looking down that it's so hard to see that you'll be able to rise again, and get paralyzed by the fear.
Try looking up, towards the sky.

Is it still scary?

This terrible moment is for us to go through, not to die from.

For now, I'll leave you with part of a lyric from a song I love dearly for it's truthful words and encouragement.

Point of Grace - Blue Skies

On days of gray,
When doubt clouds my view,
It's so hard to see past my fears,
My strength seems to fade,
And it's all I can do,
To hold on, till the light reappears,
Still, I believe though some rain's bound to fall,
That You're here next to me,
And You're over it all.

I shall be silent for a while, and listen to the Voice I so longed for.

And I shall rise twice the distance I fell.

p/s : And if you would, please spare some of your prayer time to pray for me. Whether I know about it or not, you have my thanks. Know that your prayers shall not go to waste, for our God is a God who hears. Thank you.

untitled

Even when annoyed, even when dissatisfied, even when angered, please be kind enough to choose to love and forgive.
Truly, we can choose to have our revenge and be cruel, but I assure you that when we hurt those who hurt us, we in return are hurt too, whether it is felt or not.

It is through forgiving that we enjoy true forgiveness, and it is through loving that we feel the heartbeat of God.
So, let's judge less, and love more?

untitled

Often, life puts you at a position to compromise your faith and values to either avoid troubles or to gain benefits. It is your choice to decide what to do, for He has indeed paid the full price for your sins.

But do not be shortsighted, for in every trial there is an opportunity to be a better person than you already are, and that is who God has intended you to be, for your very own sake.

second reminder

"When things go swirley circly, your plans go down the drain. God ignores yours and go on with His, and you found out that it's wayyyyyyy better than yours. And you're happy by how the day went by."

When God is in work, do I need to worry?

Saturday 29th of December 2006 shall be the day of reminder of the gracefulness and the perfection of God's plan compared to mine.

Satisfaction within disappointment within satisfaction.

Would've love to share the details, but it might draw misunderstandings.

Should you worry that the silver might be burned in the furnace while it's in the hands of a Master Silversmith? ;)

love

How I wish things would be simpler than this.

How I wish that love would be simpler than this.

Love, another word that has lost its essence.
Another word not many remembers what anymore.

Nowadays, love is used interchangeable with lust.

People don't bother to check their feelings anymore. They just go and do what they feel is right.
Without bother to think.

It's true that not all correct decisions are made by thinking, feelings are an important ingredient too.

But when things are chosen or decided by just either one of them, that's wrong.

Feelings and thoughts are supposed to go hand-in-hand; they're supposed to walk in pair.

Open your eyes and see,
Be silent and evaluate,
Are you loving the person you think you're loving,
Or do you just lust for them?

Love has no room for impatience,
It has no room for being unkind.
Love has no room for jealousy,
It has no room for boastings.
Love has no room for impoliteness,
It has no room for selfishness.
Love has no room for provocation,
It has no room for evil thoughts.
Love is not delighted in sin,
but in truth.

Love bears all things,
Love believes all things,
Love hopes all things,
Love endures all things.

The next time you think you love someone, do think of these things.

The next time you want to take someone's hand in marriage, do think of these things.

The next time you want to get married with someone, do think of these things.

Can you take responsibility for the oath of "till death do us part?"
Can you take responsibility for the ring you slide unto your spouse's finger?
Can you take responsibility for the word of love you so easily has spoken?

Enough with hatred.
Stop being deceived by people who says that it is possible to love to a point of hating.
Love has no room for hatred, but lust does.
Do you not see the contradiction?
Love cannot hate, nor can hatred love.

Enough with domestic violence.
Stop the beating, stop the hitting!

Enough with testing.
Love is a vow, love is a promise.
It is not a testing of how far a feeling will go, or how long it'll last.
Feelings are feelings.
Love is a feeling, and is much more; it is a choice.

You can't choose to like. It just happens.
But you can choose to love.

You cannot not love a person if you like them, but you can love a person even if you don't like them.

Let's embark on a journey to find back the lost words of brotherhood, sisterhood, purity, marriage and love?

Our world has seen little of these things that they considered them non-existing entities, only living in storybooks.
Can you start showing them that these things exist, because our loving God lives?
Can we start being kind and be the messenger of the love message of our God?
Can we start loving this loveless world, just as we are loved?

higher

"The problem starts when we make up our own minds what will give us happiness and then decide, if we don't get exactly that, that God doesn't love us." -Elisabeth Elliot-

It's amazing how we humans sometimes stubbornly going after things that God doesn't want us to, and when things start going wrong, we wonder why God wouldn't make our plans go well.

Whenever God says no to the things we want to pursue, we try our best to reason using our logical human intellect, to tell Him that if we are allowed to go for things we want to go for, we would be happy. Afterall, wouldn't God have wanted us to be happy?

Stubbornly, we go after things we thought would surely make us happy, and when things began to go tumbling down, we blame it all on Him.

Why wouldn't He bless our path?
Why wouldn't He be there to stop things from going wrong?
Why would He allows such thing to even happen?
Aren't we the blessed of most?
Why is He not on our side, giving us all that we wanted to have?
Or even, why did He allowed us to have our ways in the first place?

I hate such generation. But I shouldn't. If I were to hate them, it wouldn't be them that I hated, but God. Because He created them. Plus, I belong to such generation. I am afterall one of them, making the same ignorant decision from time to time.

Can we not see that whenever God says no, it's not because He doesn't want us to be happy, but it's the exact opposite.

Have you ever thought that you would be happy doing or having certain things, but realised that it brought misery instead?
Have you ever thought that you would be happy exerting revenge, but afterwards found yourself sore from hurting too?
Have you ever thought that running away from God would make you free from various restrictions, but instead found yourself chained to various things, broken and unwell?

There are many toys I wanted to have when I was a child. Figurines, robots, plushies (ahaha) and such. I never understood why my dad wouldn't just buy me all of them. Afterall, having all those stuff would definitely make me happier. Or at least that's what my brain of that age was telling me.

As I grew up, I found that what I thought then wasn't true at all.

If my dad were to buy me all those things, it would be equivalent to countless cash being burned as those toys would be in some boxes somewhere right now.
If my dad were to buy me all those things, I would've been spending lesser time on books and tv, and would not have learned as much as I should have.
If my dad were to buy me all those things, I would be wondering now of why he would be pamper me so much, buying me all those useless junks.

Just because we don't understand what our heavenly Father is thinking right now, doesn't mean that we cannot just trust Him and follow whatever He wants us to do.
Have we not even entrusted Him with our lives and all that we live for?

It's true that sometimes it's frustrating when our prayers are not answered with a yes, but do we not know from experience that He is always on our side, eager to bless us with good gifts?
Are His plans not for our good, did He not come so that we can have life, and have it even more abundantly?

Is He not a God who laughs with joy, and grants joy to His children that they may be roaring with joyful laughters?

Lord, Lord,
Help me to continue to trust in You even when I think that my ways are higher than Yours, even when I'm so prideful.
Help me to understand what it means to be humble before Your majesty, and be in awe with Your wondrous works.
Help me Lord to be an even better person, not by my might, not by my power, and not even by my own effort, but by Your Spirit.

Bring to my remembrance of how Your plans are for the best, my own can never compare.
Bring to my remembrance of how smooth things would go whenever You're in charge.
Bring to my remembrance of how awesome things would be whenever Your hands start working.

Even when my heart is breaking, enable me to hold on to Your promises;
Even when my soul is melting, allow me to hold on to Your robe of grace,
Even when I'm trembling with fear and anticipation and worries, let Your rain wash over me.

For who is greater than Thou?

For who can we even turn to, if not Thee?

For who have we in heaven, but You?

For Your ways are higher than my ways, and Your thoughts higher than my thoughts.

reconciliation

Can we Christians of various denomination find it in our heart to be reconciled to Christ and to each other?

Are you not tired of the various additional doctrines laid by the various priests, pastors, theologians, and such?

I know that our daily life is not so simple and there are a lot of things that needs clarification.

But why can't we just agree on the very basic of being a Christian?
Can we be brave enough to reject the doctrine that is established by men that is found in the denomination we belonged to?
Can we stop condemning cults but would instead bring them back in reconciliation with the simplistic nature of Christianity?

I'm tired of branding people to various denominations and cult groups.
I'm tired of us having debating among ourselves about geneologies and practices that we deem "important."
I'm tired of us talking bad about other denomination behind their back.
I'm tired of us thinking that we're correct in everything and others are not.
I'm tired of people thinking that everything is so relative, and that anything can be correct.
Don't you know that this way of thinking is contradictory in itself?
I'm tired of people interpreting what people say the way they think the person is saying, rather than what the person is really trying to say.

Sometimes it's funny that we're so "fundamental," but lacking in love.
Sometimes it's funny that we know the Bible like the back of our hand, but have no idea who God is.
Sometimes it's funny that while we're laughing at the unbiblical practises of other denominations, we are actually doing the same thing.
Sometimes it's funny that we preach about love, but we hate each other.

Can we each take responsibility, understanding that whichever denomination or "cult" groups we're in, we have a big role to play.
Can we be brave enough to reject the unbiblical doctrines and teachings from our circle of brethren, and to preserve Christ in Christianity?

Remember that your mentors, pastors, or your favourite theologians or bible scholars are human too. Do not raise them to the level of God, deeming that they're infallible.

Can we find it in our faith to reconcile ourselves back to each other, and to Christ, to compromise thing that can be compromised, while being firm in things that cannot be tolerated?

I admire God-loving people, pastors, theologians, bible scholars, but I can't help but be sad whenever they make a fool out of themselves in the things they do whenever they rely on their own seemingly intellectual self.

Whoever you might be, can I urge you, or even beg you that you take up the responsibility to declare of Christ's love to all, through words and through actions?
Would you please bring Christ back to Christmas?
Would you please bring Christ back to your Christian gatherings?
Would you please bring Christ back to your Church?
Would you please bring Christ back to your own Christian faith?

Our Christ will never die in vain, for are we not here, prepared to go all out for Him?

May Jesus help us to avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.

Thus, speak Lord, for we your servant hears.

pathway

Most people decide that in life, they should be on the pathway to marriage, unless if they're called otherwise.

For me, we should be on the pathway to celibacy, unless if we're called to get married.

So actually, my thinking and theirs does not differ much. We're just approaching the same issue from the opposite end.

regrets

Many people often say that they do not regret the mistakes they did, for it shaped them to be who they currently are.

I used to echo a similar set of words;
But I no longer do.

For the major decisions I made, for the things that goes wrong, I regret it.
While making that decision, I understand the possibility of what it can turn out to be.
But that does not render me invulnerable to feeling regretful.

Those are the things I've decided, and understanding that allows me to live my life with those regrets on my shoulders, instead of dragging me down to death.

For all the wrong things that I've done, truly they shape me, they mould me.
But if there's ever any other way that I could become who I am without making those mistakes, I would very much prefer them.

Sadly, that's not how life works.

There are things that are avoidable with careful planning and preparation, but there are also things that are inevitable.

So, no matter how much I regret them, I still have to live with them. It's my responsibility to carry them on my shoulders, using them as reminder, to enable me to be a better person, if God wills.

I regret the things I regret, and would really like to have it any other way if it's possible; but it's not.

That is just how life has to be, and I need to live it through as responsibly as I can.

For the hearts that I've hurt, I'm sorry;
For the words that I've said wrongly, I'm sorry;
For the wrong things done, I'm sorry;

Apology is all I have to offer, and a promise to be a better person in the future is all I can give.

May perfection is what God intends for me, and for whatever plans that He has for me, be it good in my eyes or not, may I be able to live through it faithfully.

If gold can be extracted from the ore without having to pass through the fire, would it not have chosen so?

But that's just not how things work, and all we can do is to persevere through different predicaments, while allowing God to guide us.
May He supply us with strength, and enable us to be better, as we focus on reaching His perfection.

"Dear Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, let it be done not what I will, but what You will."

Thank You for Your Love;
Thank You for the wonderful plan that you have for us; one for good and not for bad;
Thank You that You are still Who You were, and that You will continue to be Who You are, for eternity.
For the lovingkindness and mercy and forgiveness, what can we do apart from praising Your Name with all our might?
Thank You for no longer calling us servants, but friends;
Thank You for not treating us like slaves, but sons and daughters;
Thank You Lord for pulling us from the depths of hell, to be seated at Your table in heaven, in joy and in truth, in love and in peace.

friendship

Isn't our presence supposed to be an encouragement to another?

But why is it that it's us that drives people away, to discourage them from ever wanting to be living together?

For my friends who are annoyed at my nature of liking to wander off alone, I'm sorry, but you've gotta live with it.
If you can't accept me for being who I am, and wanting to change me, then you're not being much of a friend to me. But being your friend is what I have chosen to be, and will continue to be, even when we're no longer near.

Is going solo bad?
Is lone wolf-ing wrong?

Just so you know, you're not the only people I interact with, if you have yet to notice.

I talk to lecturers, fellow classmates, the guy who sells me drink, my housemates (awfully a lot), christian friends, non-christian friends, and a lot more.

And I'm not the kind that would just tell someone, or lash out whenever I dislike a certain behaviour belonging to anyone.

I deal with it by talking to God, and by wandering off alone, seeing this world, meeting and talking to strangers, seeing the poor, and observing people who are so busy with their life.
It makes me realise that I am inadequate too, though at times I just stubbornly refuse to admit and choose to be angry.

If I were to go out with any of you, such things I can never do, and experience. I admit that there are also things that I can do only when I'm with you all, and for that reason, we do hang out quite a bit too right?

And I do not want to live by how people want me to live. I do not want to yield to people's expectations, I refuse to live by your rules and for that, I am sorry.

If you like and love me for who I am, let me be, but do correct me when I am wrong, truly wrong, and not just because I'm not doing things your way.

And sorry too that my friendship is unlike that of others. I'm not the kind that'll fly a drink from somewhere far for you, nor am I someone who calls you and say hi and chat about a lot of things every now and then, and I'm definitely not the kind that is able to hang out casually and just converse.

My friendship is the kind that lets you know that I am always here for you, whenever you are in need of help of any kind. My friendship is the kind that just pops some flowery lines to you if I am able to see that you're down, without wanting to probe further. My friendship is the kind that says sorry whenever I say too much, and running off most of the time, not wanting to hurt you even further.

An acquaintance of mine once said that I am disallowing people from enjoying my friendship, but I think, my friendship is the kind that you wouldn't wanna have. You can brand me emo, sad, pessimistic or whatever for this remark, but it's not.
If you've already know me, know that I'll try my best to hurt you less, and be more of a blessing to you. I'll try not to spoil your day with uncontrolled words, or doing stupid things.

To you, my dear friends, I can't just go on telling you that I love you a lot and do nothing, for I understand that it is through action and deeds that the feeling from within is expressed.
But just because I don't love you the way you want me to, doesn't mean that I don't.

I have made the decision to be your friend, and there are not many things that can change that. For the friendship that I have given, I require no reciprocation for it, and I do not expect any rewards, apart from seeing your smile and your joy in life.

Forgive me for my inability to live up to your expectations, and forgive me for I am not worthy of your friendship; I only know that you're worth mine.

conclusion

The question of whether anyone's heart is bound to me, or mine to someone is irrelevant;

For I have yet to be worthy to take hold of a maiden's hand.

thankful praises

Praises be to You,
The wonderful God who goes beyond all understanding,
The awesome God whose goodness is without end,
The great God who loves, and never stop loving.

Thank You,
For the results that is well, even while not up to my hope, it was still well, despite my shortcomings, despite my imperfection.

Thank You,
For the life that is still within me,
That I'm not yet dead,
Let me not die of a worthless death,
But if I were to die, let it be in Your arms, while I am living for You.

Thank You,
For the friends I am given,
For the blessings that they are,
Though at times, I am unworthy of their company.

Thank You,
For all the times You make me smile,
Remind me of my vows,
To not let ANYTHING to ever take away the happiness that I have,
To not be bothered by discouragements,
And to always, be joyful in Your presence, in Your love.

Thank You,
For the life plans that I have in mind,
If I were to ever live that long,
Thank you for allowing me to see farther,
Through my failure, through my shortcomings.

Thank You,
For revealing Your will to us at the time it's supposed to be,
Not earlier, not later,
For enabling us to see Your plans for what it is,
For not having us as Your servants anymore, but friends.

Thank You,
For wonders shown,
Small ones that are greater than the larger ones,
For blessings poured,
For a life, given to be lived even more abundantly,
Overflowing, our heart cannot contain the love that You have for us.

Thank You,
With unworthy words,
It cannot perfectly describe Your goodness,
Words cannot say it all,

Only through our deeds, that we give it back to You,
Only through the things we do, that we can ever say that we love You too.

in current best

At times, when we are faced with a certain issue to be solved, we tend to suspect something so strongly, that we wouldn't even consider other possibilities.

But then again, even if we are to allow ourselves to be more open to other possible causes, would it even help?

I was fixing my dad's computer, because the newly installed CRT monitor flickers uncontrollably, at the right side of the screen.
At first, I was so sure that it was because of the fixed refresh rate of 60Hz that was causing it to behave so.
I changed the screen resolution, and was able to increase the refresh rate. The flickering was reduced, but it was still there.
It seems like there was nothing else I could do, so I considered the problem solved, though unsatisfied.

Today, I found out that it was not the refresh rate that was causing the flickering, but rather the UPS that was placed just beside the monitor.

Would I have solved the problem sooner if I were to allow myself to think of other causes?

Or will it still be the same, but only causing me to be more stressed and unable to concentrate?

I can never answer these questions, for I only know that it is after what I did at first that I was able to figure out the real solution.

To start solving something, I need to at least start somewhere, no?

Does it matter if my first attempt was the correct one?

For even in scientific discoveries, it is through continuous trials that one is able to find something new, something useful.

Should I regret the time spent on the wrong attempts, or should I rejoice for it is through my mistakes that I was able to get it right afterwards?

For now, many of these questions lie unanswered, but what I truly understand is that if I was trying to be sensitive to all the possible sources of a problem, I can never know which unless I start working on the nearest possibility.
I can ponder forever, but I will never ever know.

Sometimes we look back at our mistakes, and wonder whether the time spent on it was worth it, we wonder whether it was worth regretting?

One cannot know the future, except God alone.
If there's anything we can do, it is to act in accordance to the best current knowledge that we possess, and to give our best in carrying it through.

Whether it'll fail or not, that's another story.

And keep in mind that it's also important to wait for God, no matter how urgent a matter may seem.
As to what waiting for God means, that I leave to your own study. :)

I hope no matter what you do, that you'll firstly commit it to Him, give it the best you can in accordance to your best current ability and judgement, and after that letting go and not worry of the outcome, for it is useless to worry for something you cannot know and do anything about.

May you be blessed knowing who is God, and knowing that He holds the works of your hands. :)

untitled

I dislike my habit of clinging hard unto the hand that pulls me along.

I totally hate it.

regrets

Yesterday, I had regrets.

A surprising amount of regrets in a single day.

My exam. I could only answer 3 out of the supposedly 4. Why you ask? Because I wasn't serious enough about it. I didn't know that another chapter exists.
For the first time ever, I left the exam hall 30 minuntes earlier.
For the first time ever, as far as I can remember, I regretted my unseriousness.

My laughter. Sometimes, I laugh way too much. I regret it. Many times I regret laughing for the sake of laughing. Many times I hoped that I was able to keep a calm face, and just present a smile once in a while.
My laughter, they shouldn't exist.

My knowledge. My enthusiasm. May they be deeply concealed within me, not be shown, not be displayed.
Most of the time I feel inferior when I think I've given the wrong answer, when I've said something too soon without verifying them.
And I go all the way to prove that I am right, only to find my ego at the end of my find.

I rather that not. I rather feeling inferior, than feeling superior. I rather esteem others more than myself than esteem myself more than others.
The pain to suppress an ego is much much more than the sadness of inferiority. I do not want to look at others with these pair of prideful eyes. I do not wanna see myself with this egoistical heart.

Often, I forget that in mistakes, I am liberated. By being wrong, I am free.

How, you ask?

I am liberated from the bonds that entangles me, to have me be correct all the time.

I am free from the chains that binds me, from the need to live up to other people's expectations.

I forget that in shame I lose much, but that is when God is able to reside within me.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

I shall stop here, because I have no idea what I'm writing anymore. One hour sleep for the whole day, and here I am still, not taking my rest. I shall, I shall.

But one thing I learn from yesterday that I wish to share is that I found out that regrets from little little incidents linger and holds stronger in my heart.

There are times I regret being a christian.
But I don't think I ever regret the day God found me.
That was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and will always be.

I wanna get baptised, but for now, I need to clear some doubts that lingers in my heart. But where can I find such person with such refined knowledge, where can I find a person whose heart's truth is not swayed by questions?

So, for now Lord, I wait, I wait.

sufficient

What is this sadness?
This little cry from within,
I recognise not.

You understand, Lord.
Only You do, and only You will.

Words cannot describe,
humanly comfort will not suffice.

There is a longing to just break down and cry,
There is a wanting to just shout out and scream.
For no reason,
or for a reason that was forcefully forgotten.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

It's buried deep within me.
Its existence, denied.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

Only You understand, Lord.
Only You suffice,
only You suffice.

unspeak

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Are the things said wrongly said,
Or they shouldn't have been said at all?

Why am I required to speak,
When my silence would do us good?

Why are honesty seeked,
If it hurts so well?

Why should we talk,
When there's nothing to be said,
Except for a pool of emotions,
Laying dormant, lying hidden;
Unconveyed, incommunicated?

Why do we force a chat,
And say all the wrong things?

Can we not speak with silence,
Can we not talk without words?

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Sleepless nights are to be expected,
Worries and anxieties, rejoices.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Why is it honestly spoken,
When it is bound to hurt?

Why do we even want to know,
When we understand the possibility of being hurt,
When we understand the possibility of being sad.

Will the regrets of not knowing,
Be harder to bear?

Curiosity kills the cat,
But to not know, regret.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

i miss...

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Kurindu mengatakan bahawa,
hanya Engkau yang 'kan kubawa,
s'panjang hidupku.

B'rapa lama kan ku tinggal begini,
tanganku ditegah dari mencapai,
Dan di sana Kau menanti,
dengan kegemilangan dan keagunganMu,
menanti saatku tiba,
menanti saatku pulang,
dari larianku.

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Dengan seluruh jiwa dan hayatku,
aku cinta padaMu,
Kan ku nyanyikan lagu indah untuk dengaranMu,
dan dari bibirku mazmur untukMu,
Kata kata manis yang menyatakan,
bahawa aku cinta padaMu.

everyday

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
Each day is something hard to live by,
Why why, should you ask,
It's because I had to deal much with people,
Your people.

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
That in my prayers,
Even if I don't get what I want,
I can still trust You for the best,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
and not the people that think they're the one who should be.

Lord Lord,
Each day I call You Lord,
In my prayers while walking to campus,
Everytime before I taste my meal,
When I pray for my friends, and together,
But it's funny how,
The more I ask try to visualize You,
The more I realise that I know little of You,
When I thought I knew a lot.

Lord Lord,
Even though I can see that I know You not,
My hands, they are heavy to reach to Your words,
To the well-accepted Scriptures,
Even now, I don't really understand what they are,
Questions Lord, questions in my heart is building up,
About how You truly work,
Everything I've seem to already know,
You have crush it down,
To pieces Lord, to pieces.

Lord Lord,
How can I share of Your goodness,
If I know You not?
I know You are good,
but that's all there is that I know of.
Who are You, really?
Even when I say I do love You,
It's amazing that I know You not,
I know You not.

Lord Lord,
Why is it that my memories seem to be fading away,
My recollections aren't gathering together,
They are fleeing away.
My eyes are being blinded again,
Or is it that it's only now that I know I see clearly not?


Lord Lord,
I can talk to people about who You really are,
of the rightful doctrines of the orthodoxy Christianity,
And of the speculative beliefs of various denominations,
But why is it that I seem to know You not,
I seem to know You not?
My heart yearn to seek You out,
but my hands are weary,
To seek You out again,
my mind is weary,
Tired of the necessity of a repeated toil,
To get to know You again,
again Lord.

Lord Lord,
Has my mind been darkened,
By all the things that I have done,
That are not rightful in Your sight.
Or is this the reason You forbade me to ever touch it?
Knowing that the more I bathe in it,
The more chances I have,
To get my senses dulled,
My sights dimmed,
and my mind darkened?

Lord Lord,
I have vowed,
To never set my heart upon the beauty of a woman,
For as long as I am not worthy,
Not worthy of such a gift,
Not able of such a responsibility,
But for what have I said such things,
For what I have promised such an obscure thing?
And when the day comes that I understand no more,
Remind me Lord,
Remind me Lord.

Lord Lord,
Why do I feel so judged,
To know that no matter what I do,
There will always be a mistake,
A mistake Lord,
That might be as unforgiveable as it might be,
That might be a stumbling block,
That might be a blocking wall, Lord.
Everyday,
Is hard to live by,
With so many expectation, to and from.

Lord Lord,
Everyday is hard to live by,
With so many choices,
My eyes are blurred,
From knowing what is right,
From knowing what is true,
The heaviness of having to consult You in everything,
And even so, it might not be right afterall,
Do you speak with such certainty to me, still?
How should I know if it is You who whispers to me, Lord?
Even when I think You speak,
Even so, there might still be fault,
And these Lord, these will be judged.
I will be condemned, Lord.

Lord Lord,
Who am I to go to,
When the night is still,
When the day is quietened?
Let me not lean towards my friends and my foes,
Let me not seek to be fulfilled by their presence.

Lord Lord,
Don't send them always,
Don't.
I do not wish to be fulfilled by their friendship,
Nor their companionship.
Because I'll forget of You Lord,
I'll get so comfortable I'll forget about You Lord.
Because I had once done so, and it was so.

Lord Lord,
Let my comfort be You,
The cover of my loneliness,
The cover of my helplessness,
The cover of my emptiness.
Don't send friends always Lord, don't send them always.
Let Holy Spirit be my comforter, let Him be.
Let Him satisfy my soul, that I thirst no more.
I wish not to be dependent,
To anyone else other than You,
other than You, Lord.

Lord Lord,
I know love enough not -
To speak when one is wrong.
I know love enough not -
To rebuke when one is strayed.
I know love enough not -
By being silent when I should speak.
I know love enough not -
By being supportive when I should not?
I know love enough not -
By not judging when I should?
Which way to go, what things to do.

Lord Lord,
Is love not judging all the time?
Is love being supportive in all things?
Is love not saying anything when something is thought to be wrong?
Is love fearful of being judged after speaking while being imperfect ourselves?
Am I loving by not pointing out mistakes?
Am I loving when defending when I know of the wrong?

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
Everyday is hard to live by,
In the eyes of the people,
The works of my hands is imperfect,
My history dug out to my shame,
The world is unforgiving,
It is cruel.
No matter how perfect I am Lord,
I will never be in their eyes.

Lord Lord,
Make me understand Lord,
That You wish me to live peaceably with all,
Not to please,
Not to please Lord.
Let Thy will be done,
Not mine,
Not theirs,
Not anyone else's, but Thy will be done.
Even when it goes against mine so hurtful and heartbreaking,
Even when it goes against theirs to bring about scornful looks and harsh remarks,
Let me learn to accept Thy will,
And let me trust Lord, let me trust in Thy will,
For Thee know it all,
Thee know it all.

Lord Lord,
Praises be to You,
of the greatness of Your will,
And the wonder of Your grace.
Your comfort falls like dew in the dark of the night,
Soft and slow.
Teach me to endure the heat of the day,
To wait upon Your comfort Lord,
And Your will,
For perfection is not in an instance, but is one with the essence of time.

Lord Lord,
Teach my heart,
That it'll be still in wait of You,
In complete trust of Your plans,
In full acceptance of Your will,
For even if it goes against mine,
I know that it's always made with me in mind,
With me in mind.

trials

I once heard a story about a lecturer asking his students to mark their own papers after giving them a written test. While marking, they wonder whether he'd be worried that they'll cheat. When they wanted to hand over the checked paper to him, he told them to keep it. The test wasn't for him to see how well they are doing, but was instead for they themselves to know it.

When we face trials, and have to decide whether to be obedient or to follow our own passion or desire, I'm pretty sure God already knows what we'll be doing. Then why are these trials still given to us, if He's already know how well we'll fare?

I, probably more than others, am one who hates to be tested of my sincerity and knowledge. Nothing annoys me more than when someone asks questions pretending not knowing just to see how much I know.

'When I say that I love You, are you doubting me?'
'Shouldn't You be trusting my words, the words of tears filled with promises and vows I made to You, instead of testing me to see whether they're worth as much as I said they are?'
'Don't You believe me when I said I would go to the lengths just for You?'

'Why do you put me in a situation where I have to choose between me and You?'

"No, I'm not allowing you to be in trials and tribulations so that I can see if you really meant what you said."
"Instead, I want you to see for yourself whether you really meant what you've said."
"I've already know what you'll do."
"These are for you to see for yourself if you really understands what you're saying, and understand it enough to do it."
"It's all for your sake, not Mine."

-Trial is not something God uses to measure your performance, but rather for you to see for yourself how much you really meant by what you've said.-

Thank You Lord for trials, for decisions to be made, for tribulations to go through, for freedom to choose, for freewill, and for Your forgiveness of our wrong choices.

Thank You.

vacation

Have you ever felt anxiety from something uncertain, that it could stop you in your track, creating an illusion that you're occupied to the max?

And have you ever felt you can't waste even a few minutes to sit down, relax and to think the matter over because you can use those time to work, even when you don't really know what you're so busy about?

For now, I feel uncertain about certain matter, even though it's over it haunts me. Yet, I can easily rid myself of this worries by just spending a few minutes pondering about it, to analyze the situation, and to make a firm decision of what to do and what not to do.

But I don't. Why is it so, I can't really figure out. Prolly because I like being intoxicated in this kind of air, to worry to my patience's brim, to feel like I'm spending precious moments in something that is worth doing.

It makes me feel good and bad at the same time that it's extremely paradoxical.

And sometimes I do wonder about the decisions I make. Should I be firmer to say no, and be slower to say yes?

If I really think that I wouldn't be of much help, to be assigned to a task that's not my forte, should I really strongly voice out a 'no'?

Or to just follow through, that I might be able to help?

But if I were to be so, wouldn't I be sitting in a place of someone who would've been able to do much more?

Am I really trying to help, or just trying to satisfy my ego and my pride? But what is there to satisfy?

There are times when I do wonder about the decisions and stands that I make, what am I trying to prove by the things I do?

Is this really for You Lord, or is it for myself?

The decision to stand through with a person, to be a support pillar even when they're making a bad and wrong choice. Is that trust, is that faith, or is it self-gratification?

The decision to be against the norm of Your people, to be against structural and organizational churches, to be so rebellious in the eyes of others. Is this faith, or is it because I understand of Your freedom that You gave us by dying on the cross, or am I just stubborn?

The decision to be philosophical in most things, to seek the very core of an issue rather than just looking on the surface. Am I really seeking to understand, or am I just seeking to be different?

The decision to follow through my extreme views on the blood relations of a family, of racial and ethnic differences and political matters. Are these just a method to excuse myself from the society-made responsibilities?

The decision to remove myself from stepping in too deep in my circle of friends; to not be in any clique;
The decision to disallow any of my friends from getting too close to me. Is it because I fear of disappointments, or is it because I do not want to receive anyone's pity?

The decision to drown myself in works, my assignments, taking extra courses. Are these really taken for self-improvement, or are they just medium to withdraw from people, to not think about other matters in life?

Ah, all these questions are jumbling up.
I guess I really need a lone vacation soon. :)

Grace-ful strength

Have you ever put a shirt in a bucket of water with other clothes, only to find out that it's colour-stained?
The kind that you can't think of other things to do with it other than to throw it away, to use it as a mat, or to totally bleach it.
And you've just wore it like, once?

Have you ever fell for no reason at all where you scrapped your right knee and left abdomen and left elbow and three fingers?
Where it could've been resulted in you breaking your new wrist-watch that you've just wore like, a few times?
Or worse even, crash your head unto the tar road and get an internal bleeding and brain damage?

Have you ever been so worried because you might be barred from final exam just because you were chose to be rebellious for a certain period of time and have exhausted your class-missing quota?


I couldn't hold back my tears just now when I went to collect my shirt and found out that most of the colour stain is gone.
I don't remember whether I asked God for this favour, I prolly did, but what's important here is I can't see why I deserve such grace.
Yes, it's a small matter, but I do not need to receive such undeserving favour in huge issues to know that my God is good.

Yes, this God that I threw away for sin, this God that I've insulted in my choices many, many times.

And my wounds are healing, and they are healing well.
I never thought I'd miss how nice it was to have a proper bathe, to be able to clean the toilet or the frying pan without worrying that your wounds would get infected.

If this little scar hurts, how painful was the stripes He beared on the day He was crucified?

I don't know whether I'll be barred from my final exam, but I know that there's always a price to be paid for disobedience.
I also know that the many instructions and commandments and advices He gave, not because He wanted to hold us slaves, or to make us enjoy life lesser; it was so that we can enjoy life to the fullest.

This I knew but I do not heed. Now it is time to be drowned in worries of the outcome.

But I do know that "all things work together for the good of those who love God, for those who are the called, according to their purposes."
I do not know whether I can say that I am a person who love God to have all things work together for me, but I also do know that "He knows the plans that He has for me, plans for good and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11.

And I pray that He enables me to be even more disciplined - for me to do the right things at the time they are hard to do.
I can easily take a shortcut solution to rid this worries from within me, but it's not rightful.

So, whatever comes, let me brave them in faith, and in hope, and in trust.

For now, I'll sing praises of hope and thanksgiving to Him, in my worries and my hope.

--Lord, won't You give me strength to make it through somehow;
I've never been more homesick than now. - MercyMe:Homesick--

in anticipation

I can cry a thousand tears,
for all the regrets I have in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I've let go of Your hand when I should've hold on tighter than ever.

I can kneel a thousand times,
for all the regrets I feel in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I turn away from Your presence when You wanted me to stay.

I can say a thousand sorry,
for all the regrets I hold in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I betrayed You when You only have me to be Your defense.

I can tell You that I love You, with tears in my eyes and soberness in my heart,
but it'll never change the fact that I spat at Your feet and insulted Your honour whenever the time comes for me to prove of the love I've said earlier.

I can tell You that I love You, with all sincerity I have, with every dignity I have,
but it'll never change the fact that I hurt You where it hurts the most, that I stepped on Your heart after breaking it into pieces.

While I've promised myself that I will never apologize for being who I am, I am sorrowful of doing things I will not to do, doing things I'm not supposed to do.

For every failure in every trial, for forgetting of who You are to me, for forgetting my love for You and Yours for me.

I yearn greatly for the day when I'll be able to be like who You are.
If I were to follow my heart, how I wish the day that I'll be perfected to be now, to be this very moment.

But for the very least that I know about You, I know that that this is never how it goes.

Thank You that Your love is not measured by how many tears I drop for You;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how worthy I am;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how faithful I am;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by what I do;
Thank You that Your love is not measured by how good I am.

Thank You that Your love is as high as the heavens above, as deep as the ocean below.

Enable me to be stronger than this, better than this,
That my feet shall dance graceful steps that brings joy to Your heart,
That my voice shall sing sweet songs of praise to fill Your throne,
That I shall hear You say, "this is My friend; with him I am well pleased, for He is faithful and loving; he is My brother."

"Complement my piano playing, until the day when I'll be able to play it as good as You are; and when I have, I shall play for You beautiful pieces that will bring soothing melody to Your ears, and a smile to Your face."

I shall wait. In sorrow and in joy, in hatred and in love.

Godspeed

I'm pouring away,
I'm pouring away.

This feelings that has been welling up in this little heart of mine, has seem to overflow.

My heart cannot contain it,
It can no longer do.

There are so many things that I can imagine myself do if you were there to hold my hand, to provide me with reassurance, undying support and courage.
I can see myself as being able to be more than who I am, if you were to be behind me,
Pushing me when I'm staying put,
To bear my weight when I'm letting go and falling free,
And to affirm my faith when it is weak.

But I guess we can no longer be or rather, I can no longer do.

We've chatted so much that I rather not look at its history anymore.
I can never ever get used to be around you.
And this feelings, I understand no more.

From here I pour out my heart, letting every drop of affection run freely through the ground, every single thing I can never dream of letting go.

From here I'll find reassurance from heaven.
From here I'll find support from God, and from friends.
And from here I'll find courage from above, and from within.

It's not like I care not for you anymore. I still do. In a different way, perhaps.
I wish for your happiness, that you'll truly, one day be with a person God has destined for you.
I hope you'll be joyful, every single day if you may, dancing graceful steps for the Lord, and to Him alone.
In your every victory, let praises be given to the only One who is worthy of the words of your lips.
In your despair and grief, may you be clothed with divine comfort, may you be soothed with a consolation no mortal can provide.
And whenever you needed a friend, remember that I'll always be around; for as long as my breath is still within me, I will do my very best to come to your aid, to tend to your needs.

But for now,
To you my dear friend,
Goodbye,
and Godspeed.

not mine, but Yours

My heart sinks within me Lord,
Yearning to be released.

Confession is just a word away,
To send my grief adrift.

But yet Lord,
Let Your will be done, and not mine.

For I trust in Your purposeful plans,
I trust in the goodness of the work of Your hands.

For I've seen the beauty of Your path,
My plans cannot dream to compare.

Confession is just a word away,
To send my grief adrift.

But yet Lord,
Let Your will be done, and not mine.

extras

Is it important it is to involve God in a relationship? Very.

For those who has recognize God as their comforter in life, they should also realise that He is also the comforter in their humanly relationship.

One should not look upon their partner as the ultimate comfort, but a secondary one.

Why? Because everybody has their way of showing their love and care.

No matter how close they are to us, no matter how long they've been with us, often, they can never match up to our expectation unless of course, you're the 'god/goddess' of their life.

So, there'll always be time when they'll fall short, and be unable to provide comfort nor support.
When that happens, no matter how well established the relationship is, because we expect such things from them and they are not able to fulfill it, we tend to look for other people who can.

Relationship, if established and cultivated solely for selfish purposes, is just another problem waiting to happen, needlessly increasing the number of social problem that's already abundant.

Of course one would seek and expect love and care and comfort and support from their partner, but one shouldn't be totally, entirely dependent on each other; because we're humans and we're not perfect.

Always remember how fragile our life and our feelings are. Cherish every moment together, never take each other for granted, and always be honest. This privilege is only available on this side of life, and not beyond.
And always remember that the it is for God that we live, and while the rest is important, is still secondary and is entirely God-given extras.

drifting away

Almost fleeting, you.
Nearly gone, it is,
Drifting away into the unknown.

And I thank God for that.

the end

Some people says that knowing the beginning is not important because to attempt to reach the end is of more significance.

But think, if you don't even know anything about the beginning, how would you know that there's an end?

For example, it is somehow true that when an arrow struck you near the heart, the question of where it comes from, what is it made of and other stuff is of no importance. But if you don't know what kind of arrow it is, or whether it is made of certain type of metal, or whether it is imbued with poison, your initial attempt to save yourself is nothing but worthless and vain.

But then again, that example's not good enough to convey what I'm trying to say. Perhaps an example with a snake would be better.

Bah, nevermind, I think you got my point.

an afternoon warmth

The cause of my heartache,
Almost everytime you come to my mind.

Being so far away,
Like the breeze of the afternoon wind,
That always just passes by.

The very reason to my sleepless nights.
You.

But amidst all these that you've undeliberately caused to fall upon me, I'm glad I met you.
I really do.

Know that it is because of you that my smiles are more frequently seen.
Know that it is because of you that I wanted to know more people; in attempt to visit the world you're living in, in attempt to see what you're seeing through your pair of lovely eyes.
Know that it is because of you that I've finally come to accept my social responsibility, to start sharing the salt and the light I've been keeping selfishly.
And know that it is because of you that I can finally define what love really is.

And yes, it is true that God is the basic motivation and model in my strive to become a better person, but there are a lot of pieces of me that I've gathered from what you've been to me, from who you are to me.

And it is also because of you that my previous year was filled with much excitement, with many interesting events.
I thought it'd be dull when my sister left, but it was not so.

And it is also because of your support and your friendship that I was able to stay whole, that I was not swept away by the waves that fell in.

Your existence has become something that is truly precious to me, something that I truly cherish with every little bit of passion I have within me; being the very reason I'm reluctant to go to bed at night, being the very reason I look forward to daybright.

So, truly, thank you for being who you are, a woman who pours out her life to Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Thank you for living out your life with such passion, with such joy.
Your very life is an encouragement to me; it speaks with voices louder than words.

Continue to live your life, full and well. And continue faithfully in the Lord, for I can see that for all it's worth, He has adorned you with many fine things, both that can be seen and those that can only be felt, making you the beauty that you are.

And it is that very beauty that I've come to like, adore, and love.

a still morning

I've been wishing for a rainy and cloudy day that I've forgotten how beautiful a cool and bright day could be.

Rays of light pierces through the windowpane, breeze of air flowing by, bringing my soul to a peaceful still.

It is simply a Godsent.