fare thee well, acquaintances

Browsing through my Instant Messenger list and my Internet Social Networking list makes me sad.

How many acquaintances have I met, that are then turned into a new entry in a list, and after so many years later when looking at the list triggered me to say, "ah, I once knew them?"

This makes me really, really sad. I would normally analyze my own feelings, in an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do but for this case, I rather not.
Why wouldn't I? Because the question is irrelevant.
How so?

Before that, I would like you to know that this list of acquaintances was created before I was smarter. Before I was wiser. No, not wise, but relatively wiser than before (or so I hope). Since then, I've tried my best not to make more acquaintances in the guise of "friends." I've subscribed to the principle that friends should be like books, few but good.

I've also raised the bar of my definition of "friends," to become "people who are willing to die for me." I suspect some would think that my demand is ridiculous, but I rather think of it as honouring those who already are. Why should I equate these precious people with you people, who are just merely people I somehow knew?

But I'll be honest with you. This definition of "friends" prevents me from knowing whether I have any. I cannot answer the question of "so, do you have any friends then," since it's not only a problem of being a wrong question, but also it is a problem of asking the wrong person. It is meant for people around me to evaluate whether they are my friends, or perhaps more accurately, whether they want to be one (or still be one). After all, you don't actually choose your friends; they decide whether they want to be one.

So, I hope with this, you understand why I find it irrelevant to analyze the reason I am sorrowful whenever I think of fading acquaintances. If you don't, don't bother. I assure you that your time will be better spent doing other things.

Tonight is the night when I shall mourn for those I've met, who ended up as being someone on my lists. And also for those who will eventually end up as just someone on my lists.

Oh, no. For those who consider themselves my friends, please do not rally to my side just to show me that I have some. To me, such "proof" is no proof. It is not for me to know who are my friends, but for you to know whether you are mine. Plus, I rather that you spend your time with someone else. That is what you should do if you think yourself as my friend. It'll be my honour if you would do so, even though I would have no knowledge of it.

I would not appreciate your effort, nor would I be able to. And I'm an introvert.


So, to those who I barely knew, or have become so, I wish you well.
I wish you well.

ethical unethical tactfulness

Here’s a pointer that I hope would help some of you express your opinion more efficiently or while having a discussion in a non-professional/amateurish environment. :

If you’re about to write something that might be controversial,

1. Use the word ‘maybe’! It’s your best friend! Or,
2. Start your sentence(s) with the phrase, ‘I suspect.‘ Or,
3. Any way you can find to help the people you’re addressing not fall into the illusion that they are compelled/forced/smothered to accept your arguments or opinion.

Even if you’re an expert in the topic, one must maintain an appearance of humility, and gentleness and things like that.

Remember, contrary to popular belief, people don’t really care about who you are, only who you appear to be. Now, if my suggestion sounds unethical, remember, it’s more unethical to distract people from the content of your arguments by your careless choice of words and untactful structuring of sentences.

the day

I'm one to live everyday realising that the next second might not be there.



But hugs can wait, for one right day.

amusement

Counting, I should be giving tithe worth of RM X28.50 for the salary I've received.

So, just before I left for church service, I counted the money in my wallet.
RM 29.
Coins in pocket?
40 cents.

Hmm... 10 cents more, and it's RM 1 extra. I'll withdraw an extra RM 200 for my other expenses then.

So, off I went. Upon arriving, I returned two books, and since it's a week late, I'll have to pay RM 1 extra. RM 28 left. After having done with other works, off I went to the ATM. So, how much did I intended to withdraw again? Ah, RM X00+200. And with great blurness I keyed in "X00." Ugh. Should I withdraw again? (Because they charge RM 1 for withdrawing money from an ATM of different bank) It's ok, I won't need it till I go to the petrol station to fill up the tank. I can withdraw the money from there.

So, off I went for brunch. It was RM 2.6. Tea was 40 cents. RM X28.40 left.

Went back to the church building for the Sunday service. Got the only 10 cents from the car to complete the amount of the tithe. Dropped RM X28.50 into the envelop. RM 2 left.

Just before going back, I asked my sister whether she wanted anything from the area I'm at, and she said no. That means I'll be withdrawing money from the petrol station after all.

Went to fill up the tank, and withdrew RM 200 from the ATM. Spotted cotton candy. No price tag spotted anywhere. Paid RM 2 for it. There's still 5 pieces of 20 cents coin in the car, but I'm not gonna push my "luck" too far.

It's been an amusing day. ;)

nothing special

Am i supposed to feel special - really special? Because honestly, I don't dare to.

Too many times I thought I should, only to find out that the same thing has been said to other people, the same words had been written to many more.

I felt stupid, and I hated that.
I think it's more of the embarrassment for even dared to think I'm that special. Or perhaps a more accurate phrase would be exclusively special.

I rather you tell me nothing.

the perfect others

Oh, why oh why would you expect people to be perfect, darling? If they are, it'll only make you feel bad about your own obvious imperfection.

need & want

There's a big difference between what you need and what you want, and there's an even bigger difference between what you want and what you REALLY want.

real love 2

True friends are known through hard times; love is proved the same.

pleasing everyone

Contrary to popular belief, it is actually possible to please everybody!

All you need to do is to show different side of you to different people at different time, according to their preference.

Now, while that is all you have to do, it is nevertheless not simple, yet possible. Just make sure you don't get found out. If you manage to do so, you'd be a gentleman. But if you're found out, you'd be a hypocrite, or a jerk, depending on the level of hypocrisy of the one who found you out.

Happy trying! ;)

hard life

Much worse than living a hard life, is having no reason to.

It is when you're struggling that you know you're alive, and it is in overcoming that makes things worth it's while.

a reason to love

If love comes without a reason, would it depart the same?

timely eerie

Most of my major decisions these days are timely, it's almost eerie...

Do You really meant for me to severe all of yesterday's strings?

like autumn leaves

I think it's time to accept the fact that while these things are things I've prepared myself for, if it'll hurt, it'll hurt.

It's time to severe the threads of the past, and to move into the world I've been ordained to go to.

Despite the possible protest, I reckon a simple farewell would suffice.

It's almost time for autumn.

caring

Is there an optimum number to people who care about you?

Because it seems that if you have to many people who do, they become a nuisance.

distance

Sometimes, I think I should draw near.
Sometimes, I think I shouldn't. I should even go out of sight.

I don't know what to do. What do YOU want me to do?

:<

why still?

Why am I still stubbornly holding on to this, seeing that I've already given up such a life?

Is it to show to people that it is possible to love forever?
Even if I can, they'll come up with excuses of why they can't anyway.

Why am I pitting myself against this thing anyway? My heart, it's scarring; It's worse than the scratches on my ring.


I am on my own on this one.

disappointment

There are many things that I've done, even if it's wrong in the eyes of others, are products of much contemplation.

Sure, I'm just 24 going 25, a young brat who knows little of this world. I know plans do not always work out, I know sometimes people step on their principles when they're cornered just to get away.

Heck, I've never had any plans that was perfectly executed. Most of them ended in shambles.

Many of my principles are laid out based on past experiences. Sure, there are things that will be obsolete, which is why I would test out my principles once in a while, to see whether they're still relevant. And I have to say, the younger me who laid out those principles always appears to be wiser than who I am now.

There are many things that I knew I was going to regret, but which I believe is necessary, that I do. Well, regret isn't exactly the most accurate term; disappointed is.

For some of them, I'm glad I did, because I see the results. They often reaffirm what I believe. And for most of them, as expected, I went through disappointments.

I foresaw the ending, but kept with the plan, because I hope things will be different from what I thought it would be. Contrary to popular belief, I get more disappointments and tears not from going with my principles, but against them.

And this time again, I did it. I knew I was going to feel disappointed; I just didn't know that it's this much.

respect & tolerance

What is respect?
What is tolerance?

Are they one and the same, or are they different entities?

Was discussing this with a friend. We didn't really went to define what they are, but rather to assume that they're not the same, but are two different things altogether.

For now, this is our conclusion, that respect must imply tolerance, but tolerance does not necessarily imply respect.

Well, it's not what I think anyway, but this is the one we agreed upon.

What do you think?

illusion

Humans prefer to go for things that they know well, or things they think they know well.

Well, mysterious things have their charms, but over time, people would tend to feel frustrated. They feel frustrated that despite the effort invested in understanding, they can't.

People who are different from others would initially spark some interest. But as time goes by, if that illusion of understanding is unable to be conjured, they would walk away.

It's easier to talk to people, befriend those who you can understand, or think you will eventually understand, or at least have an illusion that you will understand them one day.

Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually walk away one day.
Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually place all your frustrations of being unable to understand me on me.
Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually blame me when you are unable to grasp my mind.

People change. I'm the kind that changes drastically. Or perhaps, I'm never one to let anyone live in the illusion that they have finally understood me. Perhaps, I frustrate people with my honesty.

It's not hard to know me. It's only hard if you're trying to understand me by looking at the wrong side of me. If you would know my Lord, you would know me. If you would know my Lord, you would understand why I'm so different.

I've once lost my all, and now He's my everything.

I'm not saying that all Christians should be like this; I'm saying I'm this kind of Christian.

I'm sorry that I'm unable to live to your expectations, nor will I allow myself to do so.
I'm sorry that I'm unable to let you think you've understood me fully, that would be dishonest.
I'm sorry that I'm unable to make things easier for you, but did you come to me thinking it'll be easy?

Are you frustrated at me because of who I am, or are you frustrated at me because every time you think you've grasped my mind, I would proceed to destroy that illusion?

praise

Praise the Lord!

Who understands what this actually means?

We sing songs to our Lord and call it praise.
Dearie, no matter what you call it, it's still called singing.

I've heard how you praised that smart entrepreneur, that benevolent philanthropist, and that beautiful celebrity. The praises Jesus get don't even come close to the praises they get from you. It's shameful to even compare!

Wait, did you even praised Him? The last time I heard you praised Him, you were singing. You sang song, and nothing else.

But let's be honest. It's not easy to ACTUALLY praise Him, huh?