useful regrets

I do not want to be one who laments and regrets while there are things that can still be done.

Regrets are only as useful as your resultant decision and action.

loveinaction

Something is going to happen in MMU Cyberjaya @ 10-13 March 2008............

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CAREFAIR!!!

It's a FAIR where you get to eat and buy stuff, and do charity!!!
But uh, sadly, we have no ferris wheel...
What's a fair without ferris wheel right???

But if you promise to come and support, we might be able to come up with something close, perhaps a simulation of it! :P

But currently, we're short of vendors for food and the flea market. :(
It is never our intention to deprive your good self from contributing to the lives of many others...

It'll be great if you can send me the contacts of any vendors, or someone who knows any vendors, or someone who knows someone who knows any vendors! It's almost like you've contributed A LOT already! No, I'm actually serious!

Plus, if you help us get more vendors, you'll be able to have more choice of friedchicken/friendnoodles/friedmeehoon/
sotongballs/keropoklekor/taufufa/plainrice
and
accessories/books/flowers/cats/tarantulas/
handphones/simcards/clothes!!!

And on the first day, in the evening, there's this Care Night, where there'll be these you-can't-miss-em-all performances, consisting of bands, mime and drama!


IMAGINE THAT!

And you'd be able to do something about your years of suppressed desire to help those that are less fortunate than your good self! We have "Beautiful Gates - Foundation for disabled," "United Voice," "SPCA Selangor," "House of Joy (not House of Flying Daggers!)," "Retirement Home," and "CREST" to help you to start walking your destiny!!!

I assure you that they would be able to help you with your hidden dream of doing charity works!

Remember, a single act of kindness can go a long way~
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But the best of all these is that, you don't have to be here to support this good work! We accept donations, whether it is cash, or non-cash!

So, it is our hope that we can work together to contribute to the lives of others. 10 bucks is perhaps just the cost of one movie ticket for you, but for some, it is prolly just the right amount that they need to survive the day.

I can be contacted through my email address: yesuvia[at]gmail.com

God bless you! ;)

blessing

Those who know me would know how obsessed I am with God's blessing, especially with the physical and obvious ones.

Of course, I do try my best not to allow myself be confused that not seeing a blessing I expect is not an indication that God is not pleased with me, as if undesirable things are indication that I'm doing badly.

But I can't shake off this feeling that somehow, for the past few months that God seem to be asking me this question, and it's getting louder and louder:

"Should I cease to bless you, would you still follow after Me?"

non-practising

If anyone ever tells you that he's a non-practising Christian, and he knows exactly what that means, and he meant it, know this also that that person is not a Christian at all.

There's only two kind of Christians; a Christian, and a non-Christian.

account

Toils,
For the sake of none,
Blessed,
With praises to self.

Blessed,
Thanksgiving given to mute gods,
Praises given to lifeless lords.

Corruption,
Lived for none,
Utterly worthless living.

Gladness in failure,
Happiness in shame
One has yet to start living,
Until one is found by God.

Growing in solitude,
Prepared in silence,
Armoured in the quiet.

Fair maiden,
Beautiful splendour,
Unwittingly loved.

Compelled to His service,
Wonderfully coerced,
Magnificently wooed,
Into celibacy.
'You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless till it rest in You.' - Augustine of Hippo.

Servant of none,
Servant of all, made,
Daily regretted,
Daily lived and rejoiced.

giving

You wanted me to share my life with others, but doesn't that means giving it away?

How can giving pieces of my life away make me whole..?

comfortable

Wouldn't it be shameful that while blessings is what we ask from our Dad in heaven, we allow ourselves to drown in their comfort?

I can't say all, but I suspect that majority of churches are too comfortable, that if they are required by God to do something that would lead to persecution, they would not do it.
And if an individual dare to be obedient to our Dad's calling, that person would most probably be cast off, or persecuted, even by his own brethren in Christ.

We are so fearful that we decided not to openly receive a Malay Christian in our midst. Yes, perhaps the person is allowed in our midst, but officially, they're just not there.

I understand the need to protect the congregation from "unnecessary" persecutions, and to be wise in dealing with this "sensitive" issue.
But honestly, are we just trying to be wise and protective of our brothers and sisters in Christ, or we're actually cowering in fear from the thought that our comfortable life would be stripped away simply for following Christ?

If it's the latter, I pray that you'd be uncomfortable, even in the midst of blessings, even when you should be comfortable with the things you have, that you would step out to pursue what you should as one who follow Christ.

Remember that your allegiance is not to comforts, but Christ. Do not abuse your comfortableness.

misanthrope

Mahatma Gandhi was quoted saying, "an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind."

Taking it as literal as it is, well, that statement does sound as if it comes from a philanthropist.

But to believe that with the existence of such "law," people would make the same mistake not only once, but twice, or thrice, makes one sounds more like a misanthropist.

blesser

It is not I who can bless people, but You, oh Lord.

So, whatcha want me do?

;)

serious joke

When I joke, people reply me seriously.

When people joke, and I joke back, they thought I'm being serious.

Something is seriously wrong.

Reminds me of why I've given up trying to make myself understood. It's so tiring trying to explain yourself over and over again, especially when you're so different.

untitled

If as a church leader or pastor, you try to disallow a highly debatable, but non-essential issue in the church, but are worried of being accused of trying to prevent the church members from thinking, I would like to propose this as your statement to them:

"Honestly, I do not mind having you all preoccupied with these debatable issues, for with your attention shifted elsewhere, it would be easier for me to proceed with my personal agenda.

But the problem with these things is that more often than not, over time, they split the church. Then there would be a possibility that our church would shrink in half, if not more.

That, would definitely reduce my salary and increase my workload. I cannot allow THAT."

Who says you have to be nice all the time? Sometimes, it's good to act different from the expectation of the congregation. Stop being too predictable.

:P

value

Suddenly feeling down.

I look around, at my friends, and realise that I am in the company of talented and capable people.

They're either earning their own money, winning contests, while I'm here, doing nothing, just simply wasting my dad's money away.

Would things have been different if I'm not around?

Don't come telling me that I make a difference, cos anyone could do so.
Don't come telling me that I've been a blessing to your life, cos anyone could've been such.
I suspect that anyone would be able to fill in my place. And very easily so.

Very pessimistic yea?
Yeah. I've been on the negative lately, being bitter about my internship placement and all.
Lingering a little bit more and I suspect that the devil would've everything he needed to crush me.

But I remembered going through a similar thing when I was officially serving a CF Care Group.

I remembered the time when I felt unworthy to serve such group with so many talented and gifted people.

I still remember how His voice came to me, rebuking me for having self-pity.

And I still remember how He said that by having self-pity, it was a direct insult to Him.
He died for me, He rose for me, and He goes to the Father so that the Holy Spirit can be with me.

I do not have the right to label a person He loves dearly as unworthy.
I do not have the right to despise myself after all He has done for this person.
I do not have the right to look down on anyone even.

I'm sorry for the insult I've thrown at You, dear Lord.
I'm sorry that I've forgotten that my worth is not in me, but in You.
For You are the One who redeemed me, when no one else cared.
When no one else could.
You're the one who had brought me high,
And have been with me when I'm low. Always. Without fail. Even though at times I don't feel that You're there. But I know You are, because You promised. And You're a God who don't break promises, even when You had every reason to.

And this is my faith.
This is my faith in You.

And from here, again, I shall value myself not by comparing myself to the people around me, nor by how they value me.
I shall weight myself with You. With the cross You suffered on.

And honestly, that is one heavy cross.

dragging God

Went for my campus' Christian Fellowship camp few days ago.

The name of the group I was in was "Bravo," to which we presented as "Ba La Wo." In Chinese, it translates to "Dad Pull Me."
A better translation would be "Dad Pulling Me Along."

It signifies our Father holding our hand securely, walking together with us through the journey of life, never letting go.

But I cannot help but laugh at the thought that often, it is us who's pulling our Father in this life's journey.

Worse yet, we're actually dragging Him, violently.
He's too slow at times. :P

Church

"It is because we're close enough that we step on each others' toes."

To which a dear friend asked, "If we already know it's hurtful to get close to people, why would we want to still do it?"
Can't really remember the exact thing, but I think that was the question.

Honestly, I don't know.

Why on earth do we want to open up ourselves to such vulnerability, to open up ourselves to be hurt, over and over again?

If not that, the question would be, "Is it worth it?"

Is it worth opening up ourselves to such vulnerability, to open up ourselves to be hurt, over and over again?

What would we gain in the end?
That is my selfish question, but is it not valid?

I think the only one who can answer such questions is ourselves.
Have none of us experienced sweet moments with friends, especially the close ones?
Even if we had, does the sweet experiences outweigh the bitter ones?
Is it worth going through the hurts simply for some memorable ones?

Sometimes, I suspect that the best of friends are those we consider enemies, but reconciled after being able to look past the bitterness, dishonesty, hurts and differences. It is with them that we are able to be perfectly honest, not needing any masks, for they'll be able to see through anyway.

And I especially have another dear friend, of which nothing binds our friendship, but Christianity alone. Many times we do not see eye-to-eye, and we disagree on various things. Of course we do agree on many other things as well, but even in our differences, we still do respect each other's thoughts and opinions.

It is never easy to disagree with people we're close with, but it is a great privilege to be allowed to.
And it is also a great honour to have a close friend who, though having fear of being disliked, still find courage to voice out their disagreement.

And something I told my friend that kinda struck myself.
I said, "by kept working together with a disagreeable person, we're giving each other chance to change."

I wonder how true that statement is.
Have I changed through doing exactly that?
But honestly, the question would be, "why should I do it?"
And it is exactly when I ask such questions that God reminds me of my prayer, "God, make me a better servant of Yours."
Speechless.

But I've also learnt not to expect changes in people. I've been disappointed from having this kind of thoughts alone. It's so much easier to accept them.
And of course, the process of accepting is not easy, but there is less frustration than expecting changes.
I've learnt to just do what God wants me to do, and to expect great things from Him instead.

I have to admit that I have cried many tears for the hurts that I have received from those I drew near to.
But I also have to admit that it is also them who had given me, and are continuing to give me joy through their friendship, through their smiles, through their love, and sometimes, through our disagreements.

And it is also in their midst that I find more of God, for it is for them that He gave His life up, and it is to them that He will go to, and remains.

Though I sometimes regret saying this, it is ultimately where my God is, that I want to be.

Lord, Lord,
This life journey's is so long,
And there are many occasions where I do not know the perfect things to say,
Nor do I know the perfect things to do,

Sometimes, I'm tired.
I'm tired of trying to love, I'm tired of trying to be patient.
I'm tired of caring, I'm tired of my cravings for approval.

But You already know I am so.
You know of my unfaithfulness,
You know of my short-lived passion.

But I know of Your faithfulness,
I know of Your never-ending love.

Break my heart with Your love,
Break my heart with the love You have for the people around me.
Enable me to see them as You see them,
And enable me to see me as You see me.

Help me to see their differences as complementary to mine, rather than opposing.
Help me to see their differences as encouragement for betterment, rather than discouragement.
Help me to see what You want me to see, for I am only a sinful man, made righteous by Your blood.

I yearn to see the many wonderful things You will produce through our unity.
I yearn to see Your people reconciled to each other.
I yearn to see the day when we can all be honest with each other and truly love one another, instead of just talking about it.

Would You allow me to see all these things?

brain "power"

Just when I've stopped doubting about my spirituality, that is to stop relying on my feelings to determine my relationship with God but instead to rely on what He says it is, my brain goes on to doubt whether I'm truly a Christian.

It goes on to the question of "if you're truly a Christian, why do you find the idea of worshiping the human Jesus so hard to swallow, or why is it that you wanted to do God's work, but resist every thought of really doing it?"

"Are you sure you've actually decided to follow Christ?"

Heh. I can't say I like this kind of moment, but I'm glad that in Christianity, I am allowed to be honest. I am allowed to doubt. I am allowed to allow God to work in me.

Of course the honest and doubting part mostly do not apply to other humans. I hope it would not be stumbling block. But one cannot deny that if God knows what you're thinking, there's little use to being dishonest and pretend you're not doubting, when you are.

I guess it's so much better to tell him about it outrightly, and see what He has to say or would do.

Back to the issue, is there a step-by-step guide, or a criteria that makes a person Christian? Or perhaps such thing exists only for us to judge whether another person's a Christian.

So Lord, what say You?

just so you know

Often, I do not love you THAT much to tell you of your weaknesses.
I am not prepared to put myself in a position where you will think I'm trying to mold you into me, or trying to push my values on you.

About people who actually do, I think it is worth noting that they are either legalistic (a.k.a. insecure about themselves) or they really do love you.

So, think before you follow your feelings and decided to shun them or criticize them or write about them on your blog.
Especially if they're your pastors! It's already bad enough that they have to confine themselves to 'churching' ministry, they have to serve you! Not enough with that, they have to find themselves being mentioned in your blog, badmouthed, adjoined by hundreds of your faithful readers!

Remember, we do not actually have much control over that entity called feelings, but we can still control how we are to act upon it. We can still, to a certain extent, control our thoughts.

*This post is not specifically to any particular person, but the general masses. I do not only read your blog, but many more online blogs and articles.*

my Saviour my God

If You are truly beyond time, You should already know how things will turn out even before they did.

If so, I really do not understand the way you think.

If so, You should have already that I am a person who would occasionally bring shame to Your name.
I'm the person that would fall once in a while, making wrong decisions willfully, consciously. Even when I do know what is right and what is wrong.

Am I just another Egypt, someone You would use to bless Your children, the "sinner God used for His purpose?"

You already know that there are times when it'll be like now, where if my deeds are uncovered, they would bring shame to Your name.
But You still call me to Your embrace, You still wanted me.

You said that You've cleansed me of my sins, and I am right with you.
There are times that I would prefer if I were to suffer for a bit, so that I would feel "worthy" to return to You, having received my deserved punishment.
But at the same time, I'm scared of it. I do not want it. I do not want to be punished, I shun it.

Can I hit my body, can I bruise my hands, that I can declare that I've suffered for a bit, I've got what I deserved, so now I can feel better coming back to You?
But You said no.
My body is Yours, I do not have any right to inflict injuries upon it.
Only to do Your will.

Do You know that it hurts my pride to receive Your grace and to come to You, pretending that everything is like before, like I've never sinned before?

Do You know how hypocritical I feel whenever I lift my hands to praise You, whenever my lips declare of Your greatness?

Do You know how hypocritical I feel whenever I said that I'm giving up my entire self to do Your will, that I would forsake all to rid myself of this thing that haunts me?
I do not even wanted to be at the sanctuary to be prayed for.
I do not even want to be in a shameful situation.
I do not even want to do Your will.

Do You know how people would look at me if they were to know my hidden deeds?
I do not care about losing reputation, friends, but how would they see You?

They'll say, "what a fake Christian he is, doing what he preached against."
I do not mind such things, but Your name is in front of mine.
Why should You be insulted for my wrongdoings?
Why should You be insulted for my sins?

Yeah, why do You even bother in the first place?
I am but a passing wind.
I am but a momentary sigh.
I am but a dying leaf.

I can blame satan for all the wrong things I've done, but it is still me who decided on my deeds.

As much as I wanted to run away, that I would prevent myself from trampling unto Your body;
that I would prevent myself from nailing You to the cross again and again and again and again;
that I would prevent myself from coming back to You in shame receiving forgiveness,
You called me back.
Again and again and again and again.
Why do You do that???

Yet, where can I run to?
You are the reason that I'm alive, You are the Truth for everything there is.

Sure, I can lie to myself and pretend as if there's something else to live for, but deep down, I know there isn't.

The only thing to live for, is You.

So, no matter how many times, I'll crawl back to You.
I'll sing praises to You, no matter how hypocritical my person feels.
I'll sing psalms to You, no matter how angry my body feels towards You.
I'll sing songs to You, no matter how shameful I feel.

Thank You for Your forgiveness,
Even when this person is not worthy of it,
Thank You for Your love,
Even when this person is never worthy of it.

Thank You for holding unto me, when everyone else would've given up.

Thank You.

walking contradiction

Opponents of the Bible have been going around claiming that the Bible cannot be the Word of God, because it's full of contradictions.

They arrogantly used their finite humanly reasoning power to prove whether a certain thing exists. And if their finite humanly reasoning power cannot reason it out, then it would be impossible for it to be true or correct. They think the existence of a certain matter would be determined by the level of power their brains can work.

Well, that is not exactly what I have in thoughts. They can still exist even if I can't reason them out.

I'm here to think about the contradictory nature of the human way of thinking.
Often, we think that if there's a contradiction, only one side is true; the other is not.
Quite logical actually.
But consider these that I would write:

We want people to accept us for who we are.
We want people to be honest with us, no matter what.
When people start being honest, often, we think that they're criticizing us, pointing out our weaknesses, and we lament, "why can't you just accept me for who I am?"

I mean, what the heck???

We want people to be able to trust us with critical circumstances.
But when they do, we feel used, because we feel that they only come to us when they need us.

I mean, what the heck???

We felt that we've talked too much, and decided to get the other person to talk.
When the other person is already comfortably starting to talk, we act all uninterested, and even changes the topic.

I mean, what the heck???

We wanted a silent person to talk, to join in the conversation, even to the point of pushing.
But when they do, we think that the things they say are stupid, we think that they should shut up instead.

I mean, what the heck???

We wanted people to express themselves freely, to be honest.
But when they try to explain their thoughts or position or opinion, we call them defensive.

I mean, what the heck???

We wanted people to share of the good things that has happened to them.
When they do, we think, "That's so plain. They should just keep it to themselves, bimbos."

I mean, what the heck???

We wanted people to be open and be free to tell others what they wanted to be prayed for.
But when they do, we go, "That's such a trivial thing, you might as well pray it yourself. Don't you have bigger, and more important things to ask for prayer?"

I mean, what the heck???

OK, most of them is prolly just me. Now you know how rotten is this heart of mine. And yes, you're angelic. Good for you.

Often, people do not know what they want. They think they want, and when they got it, they realise that they don't. They think they don't, and when they don't have it anymore, they want.

What I am proposing, is that the next time we feel hurt, the next time we feel sore, can we look at the whole picture and evaluate the relevance of our feelings?
No, I am not asking you to abandon your emotions, but I think we've indulged in it too much already. It's enough. It's time to strike a balance.

There is a time to feel hurt, and there is also a time to know that your feelings contradicts itself and should be ignored.

I am learning too, so if you actually agreed with what I wrote, why not embark on this trip together?

Lets?

And may the Holy Spirit help us in discerning what is valid, and what is not.

God bless.

forgiveness

I've just watched a video about Christian persecution, where they are ordered to spit on the Bible.

Why is the Bible so precious? It is because it contains some words that comes directly down from the Divine?

If you believe so, you are most probably mistaken.
If you believe so, you most probably do not understand what it really meant when it is said that the Bible was *inspired* by God.

I ask you to consider the Bible precious, because it is from the Bible that we come to know the person Jesus.

It is from the Bible that we come to know that we have a God who so loved us that He came down as a man, and died for our sins.
It is from the Bible that we come to know that we have a God who do not just leaves us on our own, but wants us to be near Him.
It is from the Bible that we come to know that we have a purposeful God, that we have a reason for this life that we have.

And what is there in written words, that if we throw them away, or spit on it, it disproves our faith in God?

I suspect that the sacrilegious act is not on you doing it, but because that is the way your enemies affirm your denial of your God.

It is not so much of your action of tearing it apart, or throwing it away, burning it, or spitting on it, but because your enemies wanted you to do it in order to deny your faith.

You have denied your God, not in doing it, but in showing it.

But as Jesus had taken away all the sins of those who come to Him, I still believe that there can be reconciliation.
We humans, on the other hand would not be so forgiving, though it is almost none of our business; it is a matter between the person and Him.

Are we worthy to judge the person who denied God, while we often live in ways that deny Him?

God did not forgive for forgiving sake, but so that we can be reconciled to Him.
Our sins He remembers no more. REMEMBERS NO MORE!

Peter denied God three times, while Judas only once.
The former found courage to ask for forgiveness, while the latter punished himself.

What use is forgiveness if there is no reconciliation?
What use is forgiveness if the offense is still remembered?

It is for your own sake that you're commanded to forgive, that you do not hinder yourself from the abundant life you're entitled to by carrying such a burden.

heartful praises

How bold we are to take up the pen with our pair of filthy hands, writing love poems and letters to Him.
The love that flows out from our filthy heart is not even worth giving.

How bold we are to lift our voices with our dirty lips, singing love songs and praises to Him.
The voice that flows out from our mouth is not even worth listening to.

I suspect that the angels can write much better poems to Him.
I suspect that the angels can sing much sweeter than the best singer we have.

But it is our poems and letters He wanted to read, no matter how badly it is written, no matter how insincere and hypocritical we feel writing it.
And it is also our voices that He wanted to hear, no matter how croaked it is, no matter how bad we are at singing.

Write now to your heart's content, for you have no reason to anymore when you're in heaven.
Sing now to Him to your heart's content, for your voices would not be heard being in the midst of an ever-singing multitude in heaven.

O praise Him, my heart, and bless the Lord my Beloved!