untitled

One of a lady's prettiest moments would be when she's tending to an elderly with gentleness and care.

And one of her ugliest moments would be when she's talking about another person with disgust and loathe.

Hmm...

on His wings

Am entering a period of silence that I have no idea how long it'll be.

Am gonna disappear for a while, there are things I need to figure out.

There are reasons why you are asked to read the Bible, there are reasons why you are asked to always pray, there are reasons why you are asked to keep close to Christians, there are reasons why you are asked to do good deeds, even in your liberty in Christ.

Even when you don't understand, and cannot see why, would you not just obey, holding onto God strongly for the moment?

Too many things coming at once, again, surprisingly. Am going to tackle em all one by one, if possible.

There's no reason to rush things that shouldn't be rushed, I can only hold on to One who I know will always be faithful.

There'll be a time, that no matter how high you are, that you'll feel like you're falling.
You're looking down that it's so hard to see that you'll be able to rise again, and get paralyzed by the fear.
Try looking up, towards the sky.

Is it still scary?

This terrible moment is for us to go through, not to die from.

For now, I'll leave you with part of a lyric from a song I love dearly for it's truthful words and encouragement.

Point of Grace - Blue Skies

On days of gray,
When doubt clouds my view,
It's so hard to see past my fears,
My strength seems to fade,
And it's all I can do,
To hold on, till the light reappears,
Still, I believe though some rain's bound to fall,
That You're here next to me,
And You're over it all.

I shall be silent for a while, and listen to the Voice I so longed for.

And I shall rise twice the distance I fell.

p/s : And if you would, please spare some of your prayer time to pray for me. Whether I know about it or not, you have my thanks. Know that your prayers shall not go to waste, for our God is a God who hears. Thank you.

untitled

Even when annoyed, even when dissatisfied, even when angered, please be kind enough to choose to love and forgive.
Truly, we can choose to have our revenge and be cruel, but I assure you that when we hurt those who hurt us, we in return are hurt too, whether it is felt or not.

It is through forgiving that we enjoy true forgiveness, and it is through loving that we feel the heartbeat of God.
So, let's judge less, and love more?

untitled

Often, life puts you at a position to compromise your faith and values to either avoid troubles or to gain benefits. It is your choice to decide what to do, for He has indeed paid the full price for your sins.

But do not be shortsighted, for in every trial there is an opportunity to be a better person than you already are, and that is who God has intended you to be, for your very own sake.

second reminder

"When things go swirley circly, your plans go down the drain. God ignores yours and go on with His, and you found out that it's wayyyyyyy better than yours. And you're happy by how the day went by."

When God is in work, do I need to worry?

Saturday 29th of December 2006 shall be the day of reminder of the gracefulness and the perfection of God's plan compared to mine.

Satisfaction within disappointment within satisfaction.

Would've love to share the details, but it might draw misunderstandings.

Should you worry that the silver might be burned in the furnace while it's in the hands of a Master Silversmith? ;)

love

How I wish things would be simpler than this.

How I wish that love would be simpler than this.

Love, another word that has lost its essence.
Another word not many remembers what anymore.

Nowadays, love is used interchangeable with lust.

People don't bother to check their feelings anymore. They just go and do what they feel is right.
Without bother to think.

It's true that not all correct decisions are made by thinking, feelings are an important ingredient too.

But when things are chosen or decided by just either one of them, that's wrong.

Feelings and thoughts are supposed to go hand-in-hand; they're supposed to walk in pair.

Open your eyes and see,
Be silent and evaluate,
Are you loving the person you think you're loving,
Or do you just lust for them?

Love has no room for impatience,
It has no room for being unkind.
Love has no room for jealousy,
It has no room for boastings.
Love has no room for impoliteness,
It has no room for selfishness.
Love has no room for provocation,
It has no room for evil thoughts.
Love is not delighted in sin,
but in truth.

Love bears all things,
Love believes all things,
Love hopes all things,
Love endures all things.

The next time you think you love someone, do think of these things.

The next time you want to take someone's hand in marriage, do think of these things.

The next time you want to get married with someone, do think of these things.

Can you take responsibility for the oath of "till death do us part?"
Can you take responsibility for the ring you slide unto your spouse's finger?
Can you take responsibility for the word of love you so easily has spoken?

Enough with hatred.
Stop being deceived by people who says that it is possible to love to a point of hating.
Love has no room for hatred, but lust does.
Do you not see the contradiction?
Love cannot hate, nor can hatred love.

Enough with domestic violence.
Stop the beating, stop the hitting!

Enough with testing.
Love is a vow, love is a promise.
It is not a testing of how far a feeling will go, or how long it'll last.
Feelings are feelings.
Love is a feeling, and is much more; it is a choice.

You can't choose to like. It just happens.
But you can choose to love.

You cannot not love a person if you like them, but you can love a person even if you don't like them.

Let's embark on a journey to find back the lost words of brotherhood, sisterhood, purity, marriage and love?

Our world has seen little of these things that they considered them non-existing entities, only living in storybooks.
Can you start showing them that these things exist, because our loving God lives?
Can we start being kind and be the messenger of the love message of our God?
Can we start loving this loveless world, just as we are loved?

higher

"The problem starts when we make up our own minds what will give us happiness and then decide, if we don't get exactly that, that God doesn't love us." -Elisabeth Elliot-

It's amazing how we humans sometimes stubbornly going after things that God doesn't want us to, and when things start going wrong, we wonder why God wouldn't make our plans go well.

Whenever God says no to the things we want to pursue, we try our best to reason using our logical human intellect, to tell Him that if we are allowed to go for things we want to go for, we would be happy. Afterall, wouldn't God have wanted us to be happy?

Stubbornly, we go after things we thought would surely make us happy, and when things began to go tumbling down, we blame it all on Him.

Why wouldn't He bless our path?
Why wouldn't He be there to stop things from going wrong?
Why would He allows such thing to even happen?
Aren't we the blessed of most?
Why is He not on our side, giving us all that we wanted to have?
Or even, why did He allowed us to have our ways in the first place?

I hate such generation. But I shouldn't. If I were to hate them, it wouldn't be them that I hated, but God. Because He created them. Plus, I belong to such generation. I am afterall one of them, making the same ignorant decision from time to time.

Can we not see that whenever God says no, it's not because He doesn't want us to be happy, but it's the exact opposite.

Have you ever thought that you would be happy doing or having certain things, but realised that it brought misery instead?
Have you ever thought that you would be happy exerting revenge, but afterwards found yourself sore from hurting too?
Have you ever thought that running away from God would make you free from various restrictions, but instead found yourself chained to various things, broken and unwell?

There are many toys I wanted to have when I was a child. Figurines, robots, plushies (ahaha) and such. I never understood why my dad wouldn't just buy me all of them. Afterall, having all those stuff would definitely make me happier. Or at least that's what my brain of that age was telling me.

As I grew up, I found that what I thought then wasn't true at all.

If my dad were to buy me all those things, it would be equivalent to countless cash being burned as those toys would be in some boxes somewhere right now.
If my dad were to buy me all those things, I would've been spending lesser time on books and tv, and would not have learned as much as I should have.
If my dad were to buy me all those things, I would be wondering now of why he would be pamper me so much, buying me all those useless junks.

Just because we don't understand what our heavenly Father is thinking right now, doesn't mean that we cannot just trust Him and follow whatever He wants us to do.
Have we not even entrusted Him with our lives and all that we live for?

It's true that sometimes it's frustrating when our prayers are not answered with a yes, but do we not know from experience that He is always on our side, eager to bless us with good gifts?
Are His plans not for our good, did He not come so that we can have life, and have it even more abundantly?

Is He not a God who laughs with joy, and grants joy to His children that they may be roaring with joyful laughters?

Lord, Lord,
Help me to continue to trust in You even when I think that my ways are higher than Yours, even when I'm so prideful.
Help me to understand what it means to be humble before Your majesty, and be in awe with Your wondrous works.
Help me Lord to be an even better person, not by my might, not by my power, and not even by my own effort, but by Your Spirit.

Bring to my remembrance of how Your plans are for the best, my own can never compare.
Bring to my remembrance of how smooth things would go whenever You're in charge.
Bring to my remembrance of how awesome things would be whenever Your hands start working.

Even when my heart is breaking, enable me to hold on to Your promises;
Even when my soul is melting, allow me to hold on to Your robe of grace,
Even when I'm trembling with fear and anticipation and worries, let Your rain wash over me.

For who is greater than Thou?

For who can we even turn to, if not Thee?

For who have we in heaven, but You?

For Your ways are higher than my ways, and Your thoughts higher than my thoughts.

reconciliation

Can we Christians of various denomination find it in our heart to be reconciled to Christ and to each other?

Are you not tired of the various additional doctrines laid by the various priests, pastors, theologians, and such?

I know that our daily life is not so simple and there are a lot of things that needs clarification.

But why can't we just agree on the very basic of being a Christian?
Can we be brave enough to reject the doctrine that is established by men that is found in the denomination we belonged to?
Can we stop condemning cults but would instead bring them back in reconciliation with the simplistic nature of Christianity?

I'm tired of branding people to various denominations and cult groups.
I'm tired of us having debating among ourselves about geneologies and practices that we deem "important."
I'm tired of us talking bad about other denomination behind their back.
I'm tired of us thinking that we're correct in everything and others are not.
I'm tired of people thinking that everything is so relative, and that anything can be correct.
Don't you know that this way of thinking is contradictory in itself?
I'm tired of people interpreting what people say the way they think the person is saying, rather than what the person is really trying to say.

Sometimes it's funny that we're so "fundamental," but lacking in love.
Sometimes it's funny that we know the Bible like the back of our hand, but have no idea who God is.
Sometimes it's funny that while we're laughing at the unbiblical practises of other denominations, we are actually doing the same thing.
Sometimes it's funny that we preach about love, but we hate each other.

Can we each take responsibility, understanding that whichever denomination or "cult" groups we're in, we have a big role to play.
Can we be brave enough to reject the unbiblical doctrines and teachings from our circle of brethren, and to preserve Christ in Christianity?

Remember that your mentors, pastors, or your favourite theologians or bible scholars are human too. Do not raise them to the level of God, deeming that they're infallible.

Can we find it in our faith to reconcile ourselves back to each other, and to Christ, to compromise thing that can be compromised, while being firm in things that cannot be tolerated?

I admire God-loving people, pastors, theologians, bible scholars, but I can't help but be sad whenever they make a fool out of themselves in the things they do whenever they rely on their own seemingly intellectual self.

Whoever you might be, can I urge you, or even beg you that you take up the responsibility to declare of Christ's love to all, through words and through actions?
Would you please bring Christ back to Christmas?
Would you please bring Christ back to your Christian gatherings?
Would you please bring Christ back to your Church?
Would you please bring Christ back to your own Christian faith?

Our Christ will never die in vain, for are we not here, prepared to go all out for Him?

May Jesus help us to avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.

Thus, speak Lord, for we your servant hears.

pathway

Most people decide that in life, they should be on the pathway to marriage, unless if they're called otherwise.

For me, we should be on the pathway to celibacy, unless if we're called to get married.

So actually, my thinking and theirs does not differ much. We're just approaching the same issue from the opposite end.

regrets

Many people often say that they do not regret the mistakes they did, for it shaped them to be who they currently are.

I used to echo a similar set of words;
But I no longer do.

For the major decisions I made, for the things that goes wrong, I regret it.
While making that decision, I understand the possibility of what it can turn out to be.
But that does not render me invulnerable to feeling regretful.

Those are the things I've decided, and understanding that allows me to live my life with those regrets on my shoulders, instead of dragging me down to death.

For all the wrong things that I've done, truly they shape me, they mould me.
But if there's ever any other way that I could become who I am without making those mistakes, I would very much prefer them.

Sadly, that's not how life works.

There are things that are avoidable with careful planning and preparation, but there are also things that are inevitable.

So, no matter how much I regret them, I still have to live with them. It's my responsibility to carry them on my shoulders, using them as reminder, to enable me to be a better person, if God wills.

I regret the things I regret, and would really like to have it any other way if it's possible; but it's not.

That is just how life has to be, and I need to live it through as responsibly as I can.

For the hearts that I've hurt, I'm sorry;
For the words that I've said wrongly, I'm sorry;
For the wrong things done, I'm sorry;

Apology is all I have to offer, and a promise to be a better person in the future is all I can give.

May perfection is what God intends for me, and for whatever plans that He has for me, be it good in my eyes or not, may I be able to live through it faithfully.

If gold can be extracted from the ore without having to pass through the fire, would it not have chosen so?

But that's just not how things work, and all we can do is to persevere through different predicaments, while allowing God to guide us.
May He supply us with strength, and enable us to be better, as we focus on reaching His perfection.

"Dear Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, let it be done not what I will, but what You will."

Thank You for Your Love;
Thank You for the wonderful plan that you have for us; one for good and not for bad;
Thank You that You are still Who You were, and that You will continue to be Who You are, for eternity.
For the lovingkindness and mercy and forgiveness, what can we do apart from praising Your Name with all our might?
Thank You for no longer calling us servants, but friends;
Thank You for not treating us like slaves, but sons and daughters;
Thank You Lord for pulling us from the depths of hell, to be seated at Your table in heaven, in joy and in truth, in love and in peace.

friendship

Isn't our presence supposed to be an encouragement to another?

But why is it that it's us that drives people away, to discourage them from ever wanting to be living together?

For my friends who are annoyed at my nature of liking to wander off alone, I'm sorry, but you've gotta live with it.
If you can't accept me for being who I am, and wanting to change me, then you're not being much of a friend to me. But being your friend is what I have chosen to be, and will continue to be, even when we're no longer near.

Is going solo bad?
Is lone wolf-ing wrong?

Just so you know, you're not the only people I interact with, if you have yet to notice.

I talk to lecturers, fellow classmates, the guy who sells me drink, my housemates (awfully a lot), christian friends, non-christian friends, and a lot more.

And I'm not the kind that would just tell someone, or lash out whenever I dislike a certain behaviour belonging to anyone.

I deal with it by talking to God, and by wandering off alone, seeing this world, meeting and talking to strangers, seeing the poor, and observing people who are so busy with their life.
It makes me realise that I am inadequate too, though at times I just stubbornly refuse to admit and choose to be angry.

If I were to go out with any of you, such things I can never do, and experience. I admit that there are also things that I can do only when I'm with you all, and for that reason, we do hang out quite a bit too right?

And I do not want to live by how people want me to live. I do not want to yield to people's expectations, I refuse to live by your rules and for that, I am sorry.

If you like and love me for who I am, let me be, but do correct me when I am wrong, truly wrong, and not just because I'm not doing things your way.

And sorry too that my friendship is unlike that of others. I'm not the kind that'll fly a drink from somewhere far for you, nor am I someone who calls you and say hi and chat about a lot of things every now and then, and I'm definitely not the kind that is able to hang out casually and just converse.

My friendship is the kind that lets you know that I am always here for you, whenever you are in need of help of any kind. My friendship is the kind that just pops some flowery lines to you if I am able to see that you're down, without wanting to probe further. My friendship is the kind that says sorry whenever I say too much, and running off most of the time, not wanting to hurt you even further.

An acquaintance of mine once said that I am disallowing people from enjoying my friendship, but I think, my friendship is the kind that you wouldn't wanna have. You can brand me emo, sad, pessimistic or whatever for this remark, but it's not.
If you've already know me, know that I'll try my best to hurt you less, and be more of a blessing to you. I'll try not to spoil your day with uncontrolled words, or doing stupid things.

To you, my dear friends, I can't just go on telling you that I love you a lot and do nothing, for I understand that it is through action and deeds that the feeling from within is expressed.
But just because I don't love you the way you want me to, doesn't mean that I don't.

I have made the decision to be your friend, and there are not many things that can change that. For the friendship that I have given, I require no reciprocation for it, and I do not expect any rewards, apart from seeing your smile and your joy in life.

Forgive me for my inability to live up to your expectations, and forgive me for I am not worthy of your friendship; I only know that you're worth mine.

conclusion

The question of whether anyone's heart is bound to me, or mine to someone is irrelevant;

For I have yet to be worthy to take hold of a maiden's hand.

thankful praises

Praises be to You,
The wonderful God who goes beyond all understanding,
The awesome God whose goodness is without end,
The great God who loves, and never stop loving.

Thank You,
For the results that is well, even while not up to my hope, it was still well, despite my shortcomings, despite my imperfection.

Thank You,
For the life that is still within me,
That I'm not yet dead,
Let me not die of a worthless death,
But if I were to die, let it be in Your arms, while I am living for You.

Thank You,
For the friends I am given,
For the blessings that they are,
Though at times, I am unworthy of their company.

Thank You,
For all the times You make me smile,
Remind me of my vows,
To not let ANYTHING to ever take away the happiness that I have,
To not be bothered by discouragements,
And to always, be joyful in Your presence, in Your love.

Thank You,
For the life plans that I have in mind,
If I were to ever live that long,
Thank you for allowing me to see farther,
Through my failure, through my shortcomings.

Thank You,
For revealing Your will to us at the time it's supposed to be,
Not earlier, not later,
For enabling us to see Your plans for what it is,
For not having us as Your servants anymore, but friends.

Thank You,
For wonders shown,
Small ones that are greater than the larger ones,
For blessings poured,
For a life, given to be lived even more abundantly,
Overflowing, our heart cannot contain the love that You have for us.

Thank You,
With unworthy words,
It cannot perfectly describe Your goodness,
Words cannot say it all,

Only through our deeds, that we give it back to You,
Only through the things we do, that we can ever say that we love You too.

in current best

At times, when we are faced with a certain issue to be solved, we tend to suspect something so strongly, that we wouldn't even consider other possibilities.

But then again, even if we are to allow ourselves to be more open to other possible causes, would it even help?

I was fixing my dad's computer, because the newly installed CRT monitor flickers uncontrollably, at the right side of the screen.
At first, I was so sure that it was because of the fixed refresh rate of 60Hz that was causing it to behave so.
I changed the screen resolution, and was able to increase the refresh rate. The flickering was reduced, but it was still there.
It seems like there was nothing else I could do, so I considered the problem solved, though unsatisfied.

Today, I found out that it was not the refresh rate that was causing the flickering, but rather the UPS that was placed just beside the monitor.

Would I have solved the problem sooner if I were to allow myself to think of other causes?

Or will it still be the same, but only causing me to be more stressed and unable to concentrate?

I can never answer these questions, for I only know that it is after what I did at first that I was able to figure out the real solution.

To start solving something, I need to at least start somewhere, no?

Does it matter if my first attempt was the correct one?

For even in scientific discoveries, it is through continuous trials that one is able to find something new, something useful.

Should I regret the time spent on the wrong attempts, or should I rejoice for it is through my mistakes that I was able to get it right afterwards?

For now, many of these questions lie unanswered, but what I truly understand is that if I was trying to be sensitive to all the possible sources of a problem, I can never know which unless I start working on the nearest possibility.
I can ponder forever, but I will never ever know.

Sometimes we look back at our mistakes, and wonder whether the time spent on it was worth it, we wonder whether it was worth regretting?

One cannot know the future, except God alone.
If there's anything we can do, it is to act in accordance to the best current knowledge that we possess, and to give our best in carrying it through.

Whether it'll fail or not, that's another story.

And keep in mind that it's also important to wait for God, no matter how urgent a matter may seem.
As to what waiting for God means, that I leave to your own study. :)

I hope no matter what you do, that you'll firstly commit it to Him, give it the best you can in accordance to your best current ability and judgement, and after that letting go and not worry of the outcome, for it is useless to worry for something you cannot know and do anything about.

May you be blessed knowing who is God, and knowing that He holds the works of your hands. :)

untitled

I dislike my habit of clinging hard unto the hand that pulls me along.

I totally hate it.

regrets

Yesterday, I had regrets.

A surprising amount of regrets in a single day.

My exam. I could only answer 3 out of the supposedly 4. Why you ask? Because I wasn't serious enough about it. I didn't know that another chapter exists.
For the first time ever, I left the exam hall 30 minuntes earlier.
For the first time ever, as far as I can remember, I regretted my unseriousness.

My laughter. Sometimes, I laugh way too much. I regret it. Many times I regret laughing for the sake of laughing. Many times I hoped that I was able to keep a calm face, and just present a smile once in a while.
My laughter, they shouldn't exist.

My knowledge. My enthusiasm. May they be deeply concealed within me, not be shown, not be displayed.
Most of the time I feel inferior when I think I've given the wrong answer, when I've said something too soon without verifying them.
And I go all the way to prove that I am right, only to find my ego at the end of my find.

I rather that not. I rather feeling inferior, than feeling superior. I rather esteem others more than myself than esteem myself more than others.
The pain to suppress an ego is much much more than the sadness of inferiority. I do not want to look at others with these pair of prideful eyes. I do not wanna see myself with this egoistical heart.

Often, I forget that in mistakes, I am liberated. By being wrong, I am free.

How, you ask?

I am liberated from the bonds that entangles me, to have me be correct all the time.

I am free from the chains that binds me, from the need to live up to other people's expectations.

I forget that in shame I lose much, but that is when God is able to reside within me.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

I shall stop here, because I have no idea what I'm writing anymore. One hour sleep for the whole day, and here I am still, not taking my rest. I shall, I shall.

But one thing I learn from yesterday that I wish to share is that I found out that regrets from little little incidents linger and holds stronger in my heart.

There are times I regret being a christian.
But I don't think I ever regret the day God found me.
That was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and will always be.

I wanna get baptised, but for now, I need to clear some doubts that lingers in my heart. But where can I find such person with such refined knowledge, where can I find a person whose heart's truth is not swayed by questions?

So, for now Lord, I wait, I wait.

sufficient

What is this sadness?
This little cry from within,
I recognise not.

You understand, Lord.
Only You do, and only You will.

Words cannot describe,
humanly comfort will not suffice.

There is a longing to just break down and cry,
There is a wanting to just shout out and scream.
For no reason,
or for a reason that was forcefully forgotten.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

It's buried deep within me.
Its existence, denied.

Where else can I go?
What else can I do?

Only You understand, Lord.
Only You suffice,
only You suffice.

unspeak

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Are the things said wrongly said,
Or they shouldn't have been said at all?

Why am I required to speak,
When my silence would do us good?

Why are honesty seeked,
If it hurts so well?

Why should we talk,
When there's nothing to be said,
Except for a pool of emotions,
Laying dormant, lying hidden;
Unconveyed, incommunicated?

Why do we force a chat,
And say all the wrong things?

Can we not speak with silence,
Can we not talk without words?

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Sleepless nights are to be expected,
Worries and anxieties, rejoices.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

Why is it honestly spoken,
When it is bound to hurt?

Why do we even want to know,
When we understand the possibility of being hurt,
When we understand the possibility of being sad.

Will the regrets of not knowing,
Be harder to bear?

Curiosity kills the cat,
But to not know, regret.

My heart is wrenched from within me,
It refuses to be comforted.

i miss...

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Kurindu mengatakan bahawa,
hanya Engkau yang 'kan kubawa,
s'panjang hidupku.

B'rapa lama kan ku tinggal begini,
tanganku ditegah dari mencapai,
Dan di sana Kau menanti,
dengan kegemilangan dan keagunganMu,
menanti saatku tiba,
menanti saatku pulang,
dari larianku.

Kurindu menyatakan bahawa,
yang aku cinta padaMu,
Dengan seluruh jiwa dan hayatku,
aku cinta padaMu,
Kan ku nyanyikan lagu indah untuk dengaranMu,
dan dari bibirku mazmur untukMu,
Kata kata manis yang menyatakan,
bahawa aku cinta padaMu.

everyday

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
Each day is something hard to live by,
Why why, should you ask,
It's because I had to deal much with people,
Your people.

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
That in my prayers,
Even if I don't get what I want,
I can still trust You for the best,
I'm really glad that You're my God,
and not the people that think they're the one who should be.

Lord Lord,
Each day I call You Lord,
In my prayers while walking to campus,
Everytime before I taste my meal,
When I pray for my friends, and together,
But it's funny how,
The more I ask try to visualize You,
The more I realise that I know little of You,
When I thought I knew a lot.

Lord Lord,
Even though I can see that I know You not,
My hands, they are heavy to reach to Your words,
To the well-accepted Scriptures,
Even now, I don't really understand what they are,
Questions Lord, questions in my heart is building up,
About how You truly work,
Everything I've seem to already know,
You have crush it down,
To pieces Lord, to pieces.

Lord Lord,
How can I share of Your goodness,
If I know You not?
I know You are good,
but that's all there is that I know of.
Who are You, really?
Even when I say I do love You,
It's amazing that I know You not,
I know You not.

Lord Lord,
Why is it that my memories seem to be fading away,
My recollections aren't gathering together,
They are fleeing away.
My eyes are being blinded again,
Or is it that it's only now that I know I see clearly not?


Lord Lord,
I can talk to people about who You really are,
of the rightful doctrines of the orthodoxy Christianity,
And of the speculative beliefs of various denominations,
But why is it that I seem to know You not,
I seem to know You not?
My heart yearn to seek You out,
but my hands are weary,
To seek You out again,
my mind is weary,
Tired of the necessity of a repeated toil,
To get to know You again,
again Lord.

Lord Lord,
Has my mind been darkened,
By all the things that I have done,
That are not rightful in Your sight.
Or is this the reason You forbade me to ever touch it?
Knowing that the more I bathe in it,
The more chances I have,
To get my senses dulled,
My sights dimmed,
and my mind darkened?

Lord Lord,
I have vowed,
To never set my heart upon the beauty of a woman,
For as long as I am not worthy,
Not worthy of such a gift,
Not able of such a responsibility,
But for what have I said such things,
For what I have promised such an obscure thing?
And when the day comes that I understand no more,
Remind me Lord,
Remind me Lord.

Lord Lord,
Why do I feel so judged,
To know that no matter what I do,
There will always be a mistake,
A mistake Lord,
That might be as unforgiveable as it might be,
That might be a stumbling block,
That might be a blocking wall, Lord.
Everyday,
Is hard to live by,
With so many expectation, to and from.

Lord Lord,
Everyday is hard to live by,
With so many choices,
My eyes are blurred,
From knowing what is right,
From knowing what is true,
The heaviness of having to consult You in everything,
And even so, it might not be right afterall,
Do you speak with such certainty to me, still?
How should I know if it is You who whispers to me, Lord?
Even when I think You speak,
Even so, there might still be fault,
And these Lord, these will be judged.
I will be condemned, Lord.

Lord Lord,
Who am I to go to,
When the night is still,
When the day is quietened?
Let me not lean towards my friends and my foes,
Let me not seek to be fulfilled by their presence.

Lord Lord,
Don't send them always,
Don't.
I do not wish to be fulfilled by their friendship,
Nor their companionship.
Because I'll forget of You Lord,
I'll get so comfortable I'll forget about You Lord.
Because I had once done so, and it was so.

Lord Lord,
Let my comfort be You,
The cover of my loneliness,
The cover of my helplessness,
The cover of my emptiness.
Don't send friends always Lord, don't send them always.
Let Holy Spirit be my comforter, let Him be.
Let Him satisfy my soul, that I thirst no more.
I wish not to be dependent,
To anyone else other than You,
other than You, Lord.

Lord Lord,
I know love enough not -
To speak when one is wrong.
I know love enough not -
To rebuke when one is strayed.
I know love enough not -
By being silent when I should speak.
I know love enough not -
By being supportive when I should not?
I know love enough not -
By not judging when I should?
Which way to go, what things to do.

Lord Lord,
Is love not judging all the time?
Is love being supportive in all things?
Is love not saying anything when something is thought to be wrong?
Is love fearful of being judged after speaking while being imperfect ourselves?
Am I loving by not pointing out mistakes?
Am I loving when defending when I know of the wrong?

Lord Lord,
Everyday,
Everyday is hard to live by,
In the eyes of the people,
The works of my hands is imperfect,
My history dug out to my shame,
The world is unforgiving,
It is cruel.
No matter how perfect I am Lord,
I will never be in their eyes.

Lord Lord,
Make me understand Lord,
That You wish me to live peaceably with all,
Not to please,
Not to please Lord.
Let Thy will be done,
Not mine,
Not theirs,
Not anyone else's, but Thy will be done.
Even when it goes against mine so hurtful and heartbreaking,
Even when it goes against theirs to bring about scornful looks and harsh remarks,
Let me learn to accept Thy will,
And let me trust Lord, let me trust in Thy will,
For Thee know it all,
Thee know it all.

Lord Lord,
Praises be to You,
of the greatness of Your will,
And the wonder of Your grace.
Your comfort falls like dew in the dark of the night,
Soft and slow.
Teach me to endure the heat of the day,
To wait upon Your comfort Lord,
And Your will,
For perfection is not in an instance, but is one with the essence of time.

Lord Lord,
Teach my heart,
That it'll be still in wait of You,
In complete trust of Your plans,
In full acceptance of Your will,
For even if it goes against mine,
I know that it's always made with me in mind,
With me in mind.