the end

Some people says that knowing the beginning is not important because to attempt to reach the end is of more significance.

But think, if you don't even know anything about the beginning, how would you know that there's an end?

For example, it is somehow true that when an arrow struck you near the heart, the question of where it comes from, what is it made of and other stuff is of no importance. But if you don't know what kind of arrow it is, or whether it is made of certain type of metal, or whether it is imbued with poison, your initial attempt to save yourself is nothing but worthless and vain.

But then again, that example's not good enough to convey what I'm trying to say. Perhaps an example with a snake would be better.

Bah, nevermind, I think you got my point.

an afternoon warmth

The cause of my heartache,
Almost everytime you come to my mind.

Being so far away,
Like the breeze of the afternoon wind,
That always just passes by.

The very reason to my sleepless nights.
You.

But amidst all these that you've undeliberately caused to fall upon me, I'm glad I met you.
I really do.

Know that it is because of you that my smiles are more frequently seen.
Know that it is because of you that I wanted to know more people; in attempt to visit the world you're living in, in attempt to see what you're seeing through your pair of lovely eyes.
Know that it is because of you that I've finally come to accept my social responsibility, to start sharing the salt and the light I've been keeping selfishly.
And know that it is because of you that I can finally define what love really is.

And yes, it is true that God is the basic motivation and model in my strive to become a better person, but there are a lot of pieces of me that I've gathered from what you've been to me, from who you are to me.

And it is also because of you that my previous year was filled with much excitement, with many interesting events.
I thought it'd be dull when my sister left, but it was not so.

And it is also because of your support and your friendship that I was able to stay whole, that I was not swept away by the waves that fell in.

Your existence has become something that is truly precious to me, something that I truly cherish with every little bit of passion I have within me; being the very reason I'm reluctant to go to bed at night, being the very reason I look forward to daybright.

So, truly, thank you for being who you are, a woman who pours out her life to Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Thank you for living out your life with such passion, with such joy.
Your very life is an encouragement to me; it speaks with voices louder than words.

Continue to live your life, full and well. And continue faithfully in the Lord, for I can see that for all it's worth, He has adorned you with many fine things, both that can be seen and those that can only be felt, making you the beauty that you are.

And it is that very beauty that I've come to like, adore, and love.

a still morning

I've been wishing for a rainy and cloudy day that I've forgotten how beautiful a cool and bright day could be.

Rays of light pierces through the windowpane, breeze of air flowing by, bringing my soul to a peaceful still.

It is simply a Godsent.

complications

To the living, life can be complicated or simple or both.
To the dead, death is the same to all.

Being humans, most of the time, we complicated simple matters. It's true that some things can never be simple, but there are also things that shouldn't be complicated.

Why we do the things we do, to make things more difficult? Probably it's because of pride that we have? Or is it for romance? Or because we simply like it to be so?

Misunderstandings can be cleared with a simple heart-to-heart explanation.
Problems can be solved with a sincere sorry, and a forgiving heart.
Life can be continued with a mere confession of the heart.

There are things that we can afford to left floating and entangled, but there are also things we shouldn't.

Why should we let it be stagnant, growing bad and smelly till we have to walk away, till we have to run away?

Or perhaps we evaluate things too much, allowing more time to pass, increasing the variables in it like it's not already enough?

"Hear me out."
"I'm sorry."
"I love you."

But then again, even though I believe honesty is good, sometimes, silence works better.

Everytime I look up to a starry night sky, I began to think of how puny we humans are. How small is the troubles we go through day by day compared to the whole wide universe.

And probably only at the face of death that even the most arrogant person would throw away their pride for what really matters in their life.

untitled

Can someone tell me that it's not my fault that things go this way?

Can anyone tell me that it's not my fault it happened.

Can you tell me that it's not my fault that I feel this way.

But I do not seek comforting words, nor encouragement from a friend.
I just want someone to show me, to prove to me that it is indeed not my fault, I'm not to be held responsible for the mishap.

I just don't know what to do anymore, but to sit here, to lament in self-pity.

maybe

Just a little bit courage is all I need to brave the innumerable possibilites, and that little bit of courage is what I don't have. Or have yet to have. Or will never have.

Or maybe courage is not something that is waited upon, or gained but rather a decision to do something even with fear clinging all over.

Or maybe I just don't want to risk it because it'll disturb my current tranquil, it'll upset the balance of my everyday life and be troublesome.

And sometimes, thoughts like that makes me wonder whether I am a person possessing a cold, solidified heart.

Or maybe it's just my inability to at least imagine what would most probably take place, what to do, what to expect.

Or maybe it's just my feeling of insecurity, having to open up and be known.

It's like being a book with an interesting cover and having a summary at the back that arouses curiosity, but as the pages are flipped it is realised that the book isn't so interesting after all.
Full of flaws,
Full of shortcomings,
Just another book that does not deserve to be on a shelf and having a worth that only amounts to being a fireplace fuel.

I'm not all pessimistic, I am only almost never optimistic when it comes to relationship with people.
To worry over every single words said,
To worry over every single gesture shown,
Continually wondering whether I've presented myself well before people.

Like some people commented, it's good to think things through, but when you over-do it, you end up stuck like me, and it doesn't feel good at all.
Sometimes it does, but most of the time it's no fun at all.

almost over you

I'm almost over you.

After all these while,
After all these time,

I think that somehow,
I'm able to place this picture of yours,
Out from the back of my mind,
To be on the table, with the rest of the pictures there is.

I've decided to stop wallowing in despair,
For such things is like an attempt to grasp the wind,
An attempt that is without end.

I've decided to not love to such extent,
And limit it to the border of friendship instead,
Because it is what it's made to be.

So, now, truly, I'm almost over you.

heaven

Heaven.

What goes on your mind whenever the word is mentioned?
What do you think heaven really is?

A place where good people go?
A place where people who've done many good things settle in and enjoy for the rest of eternity?

That's the common understanding of heaven among the people, but I never quite figure out the reason why they'd think that way.

Has anyone ever went to heaven and came back to say what heaven really is?
Even if there is, how can they know the reason to the existence of that place?

If not, why would they have a concept that people who do good things or people who are good gets rewarded by being able to live off their eternity in a place that's without suffering, a place of eternal goodness?
And why would they even think that there's something more after death?

But by looking into the Bible, it seems to be implied that heaven is a place where people who wants to be with God for the rest of eternity settles. It's a *place* where people who adore God be able to have fellowship and communion with Him.

When christian says only those who believe in God will go to heaven, they're not implying that the rest of the people are bad people, that they don't deserve to enjoy "goodness" after death.
If heaven is a place where God has made for people who wants to be with Him to be in, why should anyone who scorns at the thought of being with God be placed together with God? It goes against his wish to be treated so right?

I believe it is important for christian to really believe that at the end of their days, they're really going to be in heaven, to be with God for the rest of eternity.

If you're a christian and does not have such assurance, is it because you lack the understanding of the basis to your salvation?
If you think you're undeserving, that you're not good enough, it's not an issue at all. There is no one that's good enough to be with God no matter how many "good" things we try to do. Our merits, they're like dirty rags in His sight, we always do fall short.

But we do not attain the right to be with Him by our own righteousness, by being good enough, but instead, we are made able to be with Him because of His righteousness, because He's good enough.

To believe that we're forgiven of our sinful nature and sinful doings, the moment we accept the fact that He came and died for our sins instead;
To come before Him and say that you truly wanted to remain close to Him, to be with Him for the rest of your life, and beyond.
To know that all the good things that we're doing is just because it delights the heart of our God, and not as a ticket to the eternal "goodness".

Yeah, truly, we yearn to be with Him soon in a tireless body that has an unending passion and love.
But it's not so bad to just stick around on the ground a little bit more, to take pleasure in a deteriorating body that goes weary once in a while; to take pleasure in humanly friendship and fellowship; to be happy with humanly love and company; to be in wonder and awe at His undying faithfulness and "last minute life-saving blessings". :)

So, till we've fulfilled what we're purposed to do, we will not by any means fall away, but to continue our days. But whether it's here or *there*, it doesn't matter that much, because our God is closer to our heart and soul than we think He is. He's always, always a prayer away.

So, heaven?
It can be pretty much where we're standing right now.
It can be pretty much the life we're having right now.
It is just the distance between us and the God we so adore.

trust

Trust. It's something that comes together with our personal expectation.

At the very time we choose to trust, we're supposed to embrace the fact that there is a possibility to disappointment, and sometimes more than once.

So, what do we do when we're faced with such thing?

A dear friend choose to continue trusting.

Well, for me, I choose to walk away most of the time. Why? Is it because I do not understand the consequences in placing a trust in someone who's neither myself nor God?
Rather, it's because when I trust, I place high expectation on the person.

I know I shouldn't, but whenever I categorize a person as my good friend, I can't help it but have high expectation of the person, but at the same time, I am ignorant of other people's expectation of me.

I believe I can live alone, and just socialize once in a while, develop light friendship with people, and nothing deeper. I've years of experience of going solo anyway.

Yes, I'm emo, but as one introverted comrade-in-arms once said, we're emo, but we're not suicidal. So, I'm not fine, but I'm ok. No need for worries, k? ;)

anti-socialism

Ever wonder why is it that only recently I seemed to be around while all this while I'm here?

I've been hiding myself. In the shadows.

I do not hate large groupings of people, nor do I actually wanted to avoid them.
I don't join crowds not because I'm anti-social, but rather to prevent being labeled an anti-social.

I like being with people.
To see what they do, to listen to what they say, to observe every action and gesture;
To see infectious smile being transferred from faces to faces;
To see frowns and disagreements in little discussions;
To see exaggeration shown by every expression of the face and wave of the hands.

Even if I'm not interested to listen I can just be lost in my thoughts, but pity, that in this reality, this ideal of mine cannot exist.

Instead of explaining repeatedly my preference of communication and the limitations conceived by my personality, I rather just keep away.

I might just as well slip into the shadows again like how I've always been before, instead of having to face constant discomfort.

But still, the final say belongs to my God, as always. If this discomfort is meant for my good, I shall endure. Who am I to argue when this heavenly Father REALLY knows what's best for me.

For the moment, I'll just try to not be too noticeable. :)

complexity

Hurm...

What should be done when a single parent falls in love with another single parent, and it so happens what their kids fell in love with each other?

Sould the love of the parents be sacrificed for the sake of their children's, or the other way around?surely, the kids can never be in love together if their parents are married to one another eh?

You think?

worth

How much do we actually value the people we claimed to be our loved ones?

Many times I think, and say that I love them much more than anything, but when the time comes to prove how much they're actually worth to me, I fail in my actions and my deeds.

How regrettably hypocritical.

It's not about the time spent with them when we're free, it's how much time we can spare for them when we're occupied;
It's not about being patient with them when everything's well, it's about being patient with them when everything's chaotic and unwell;
It's not about how deep our feelings are for them while it is, it's about how we stay true to the decision to love them even when we don't remember why anymore.

It's about soaring above trials and temptations, keeping our oath close not letting go, even when all our sense of reasoning is temporarily no more.

It's about still being polite and gentle when circumstances forces you to scream and shout at the top of your lungs, lashing out at them.

It's about saying no when situation's forcing you to say yes, and saying yes when it's forcing you to say no.

It's about remembering how much our God is worth, even when we can hardly do.

Run if you must, hide if you should.

Many times I should've fallen unto my knees and pray, but I seldom do.
Many times I should've just sleep and wake up afresh, but I did not.
Many times I should've run, but I stayed in it's deadly stench.

Why do I run whenever I'm required to stay; Why do I stay when I should just run away and not looking back?

I'm sick of this, I'm sick of this loop.

I wanna break out of it, if God wills.
If He wills I be strong and enduring.
If He wills me to be free... Heck, I'm sure He does.

Most of the time, we are provided the strength and will to do so. We simply chose not to. Sometimes, options are non-existant. But most of the time, it's really just a matter of choice. Still, it doesn't mean it's all easy decisions.

May I be able to stay true to my words, to show the people that I love that they're really worth as much as I say they are.
To prove to my God that I really do, everytime I say I wanna love Him like how He has loved me.

I'm sorry Lord that You have to die for my sins just because I am not even worthy to redeem myself, but thank You, thank You.
For still loving us when many times we fall;
For giving us the will and strength to change;
For loving us more than we can ever love ourselves;
For making our little lives worth much,
as much as Your dripping blood,
as much as Your battered body.

We're finally worth something, because You're alive.

unfamiliarity

Have you ever felt like the more you get to know someone, the more you feel like you don't know them?

A strange feeling of unfamiliarity.

It's something more than just knowing a new part about the person, that you've never seen before. It's not about a sudden wanting to be impulsive.

It's more like all of a sudden, you feel like you don't know the person at all.
It's like all of a sudden, you've come to a realisation that the person's from a different world.
And it feel like everything you've come to learn about the person is either just the tip of the iceberg, or is totally incorrect at all.

It's like all the effort you've poured in to know the person is nothing. It's like all the time and energy used has return void. All those for just little? It's discouraging at times. It does.

It's like when you've a work to finish, and it's at 90%. But later, you found out that the 90% is actually just 10%, and you have to re-construct your mindset and your resolution. That's a weird example, but it's a close description of what I meant.

Makes you feel like you just wanna stop there, and start idling.

Well, if that happens, perhaps it's ok to just do that. Maybe after a while, you'll have enough rest to start again.

And no, it's not the person's fault for the sudden sense of unfamiliarity we feel. Perhaps it's our ego, thinking that we've already known a lot about the person. No matter how simple a person is, it'll take a lifetime to truly understand and know them.

And often, it's our own expectation and assumption of people that leads to our disappointments, and not the person themselves.

I wonder if I ever made anyone feel like that. Hmm... Maybe, since I have a lot of complexes, and many different sides. :P

No one will truly understand me anyway, or perhaps it's me who doesn't want people to.

I have a lack of faith in humanity. Sorry XD

celibacy

*A long awaited post for some, eh? Huhuhu~ ;)*

Loneliness. Yet another essence that draws people closer to God. No matter how many friends and loved ones you have, there are times when you just feel like no matter how much you explain, no one will truly understands how you feel, or how you think.

To have so many people around you, but to not have a least one like mind is hurtful, especially when we're heartbroken and disappointed.

And somehow, this flaw in the relationship of humans becomes one of the reason people find comfort in God. It's somehow relieving, and comforting to know that God understands how you feel and what you're going through, even when the whole world is unable to comprehend.

Some people find it weird that a love relationship between two christians can somehow actually lead them away from the God that brings them together.
Weird, isn't it? It doesn't seem very logical, but at times, it happens. Why?

As I said before, one of the reason humans are drawn to God is because of the feeling of loneliness. By being blessed with a partner, sometimes, people tend to think that finally, there's a person that would understand them, cherishing them for who they are.

It might be true, it might not be, but either way, this is one of the reason why people have come to forsaken their True Love.

By believing that there's actually a person who understands them, they decide that that person alone is enough. They do not need God as a comfort to their loneliness anymore.

How wrong can we be? No matter how much a person wants to understand you, they can never totally understand you. At the end of the day, it's God who understand you the most, more than you can ever do yourself.

That's why relationships can be dangerous at times, but I'm not discouraging it. It is good, of course, but no matter how dedicated you are to God, there is always a possibility of falling into this tragedy. Take each steps with care, and never ever let God out of your sight in building your relationships.

No offense, but sometimes, it's really amusing that some of my friends actually wanted to convince me that having a life partner is the only way to life.

And at times, some even seem to indicate that if I'm not out there doing God's work, I have no excuse to celibate. It's as if doing christian missionary works is the only reason to celibate.

My dear friends, if that's what you think, then may I ask you whether God is the reason to you having a girlfriend/boyfriend right now? If you would boldly give me a "yes", then I would kindly request you to really re-think again, and answer me truthfully.

If the reason of getting into a relationship can be not because of God, then why can't the reason to celibate be so too?

Are we so drowned by the love novels and love stories created through generations, that we've come to think that it is the only way to life?

People say that it's a gift to be able to celibate, but I say it takes more courage and faith to go into a relationship.

To be committed to a person, to be a motivator and supporter no matter what, to accept various weaknesses of the partner, and to brave the unpredictable possibilities of future.

To balance out work and family, to raise kids who would follow after God's way and not fall astray, to deal wisely with conflicts and troubles to come, to have unwavering devotion to God and unending love for your partner.

Someone once asked me, whether I really wanna celibate.

Hmm... It's not like I really wanna celibate, but rather, for now, a decision to celibate would make my life a lot easier. It serves as an easy way out for me, from my current condition, because of a certain someone.

So, truthfully, I am not in any way promoting or encouraging celibacy, but let him/her who can and wanna live with it, do so. (1 Corinthians 7:25-40)

To have a lonely heart going about,
With no one able to fill it full,
Only One will do,
Only One can do,
Our lonesomeness taken away,
And we are comforted;
In God, we are comforted.

So, whichever way you go, remember we have a loneliness that only God understands, that neither the world nor our loved ones can ever comprehend.

If you're in a relationship, I wish you all the best, and may you continue to draw close to God no matter what. And if you're into celibacy, I also wish you all the best, and may you continue to walk your life in close intimacy with Him.

God bless.

*Well, not like what you've expected, eh? :P*

unwittingly

What can one human do? How can one tiny and small human do? Pushing aside everything, living for their own desires and dreams.

It's not wrong, is it? To live like you wanted, as long as you're not hurting anyone.

It's not wrong, is it? To live, not knowing God, and the plans that He had for us.

It's not wrong, is it? It's not wrong, right?

Still, it undeniable that doesn't matter whether you acknowledge the existence of God, since you're His creation, He'll still bless you and bring you through troubles, like He would anyone.

But to know and acknowledge that He exists, brings our view of life to a whole different level.

To know the purpose of your own existance, and having something true to actually live for everyday;
To hold on to life no matter what, trusting in the grace of God;
To be comforted when our whole day or dream crumbles into little pieces;
To know that even though we're poor, we'll have enough;
Trusting that there'll be a day when our tears will be wiped off, and never drops again.

No matter how insignificant we think we are, we have our own important role to play in God's plan of life.

Sure, we can reject that, and another person can come and take it over, but why should it go that way, right?

Remember the prehistoric squirrel from Ice Age 1? From the start till the end, he was only a "filler" character, so out-of-place, going around by itself, in constant pursuit of his beloved nut. Bearing little significance, and have no importance at all, only to bring extra laughter to the audience.

And in Ice Age 2, it seems like his role never change, and it seems like it'll stay like that till the end of the show.

Somehow, it seems like the squirrel turns out to be the saviour of the rest of the other prehistoric animals in the area, but unwittingly to itself, unknown to the rest.

How's that? The only thing on the squirrel's mind was just to secure it's nut. And for the rest of the animals, they'd probably never know what happened.

Is such thing a beauty, or a tragedy? Everything you do, no matter how important it is to your circle of influence, would probably never be made known to you, and the rest of the people would probably never know. But surely, at least one Person would know. ;)

Yes, it is just a story, and would probably wouldn't be the same in reality. But such things are never known, so I choose to believe in such unknown beauty.

There are many things that we do in hopes of seeing the results, be it helping a friend, chasing after our dreams, praying for the salvation of a loved one. And sometimes, we don't see things happening. We get discouraged and heartbroken.

But we probably never do know, that while we couldn't manage to help our friend, even putting in effort would probably meant a lot.
And we probably never do know, that while chasing after our dreams, how much courage and encouragement we pour out to other people, strengthening them in their life.
And we probably never do know, that one day, the person we've been praying for would one day come to know and accept God as their personal saviour.

There are many things we do without knowing the consequences. There are many things we've failed to complete, without knowing the success the failure itself brought.

We never will know how large our circle of influence are, how huge the ripple from our every doings are.

So today, bring a smile to your face, and comfort to your heart, believing that no matter what happens, or how you've failed, God will use it as an important piece to the completion of His wonderful plan.

Pieces of picture puzzle never do make sense, with it's imperfect jagged sides. But until it is all placed together, only a perfect, breathtaking picture would be brought to view.

Take comfort in knowing that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Now I do not mean to say that you can go and do whatever you like and it will still bring about good things.

Whatever you do, do it heartily like unto God and not unto men. Avoid evil and strive to do good, for God and not for men.

And when you've put your all, but you still couldn't manage, it's ok.
And when you've tried to care, but feel like stopping, it's ok to stop and rest a bit.
And when you've tried to love, but want to stop loving, it's ok to run a while and cry a little.

Take comfort knowing that nothing you do will ever be in vain, even if you'd probably never see anything good from it. Seek His will, seek His blessings, seek His anointing. You'd probably not hear anything, but still, after you've done all that you're suppose to, commit it to God and let go. You may not be able to make full use of what you've done, but I believe He can. :)

So today, cheer up, believing that your good works are not in vain, even when you might not see the fruits of it. Persevere in what is right, continuously running after the only Truth in life.

May the works of our hands not be in vain, that He'll use it for His amazing plans; May His comfort comes when we are weary, to lift our spirits and our souls; May His presence be made known to us, that we can call ourselves blessed; May He open our eyes to His way, that we will not walk astray; May His hand guide us when it's dark, that even when we fumble, we are not lost.

And remember that though failure is not without end, it's ok to cry a little. :)

May God bless you this day.

ee

It's been a busy semester.

Two weeks ago, it was mostly about Easter Event.

But if you were to ask me about the outcome, what I think about the event, I couldn't give you any comments relating to how it was in the eyes of those who came to watch.
I'm more concerned with the effect of such events on the lives of those who participated, those who have helped out.

Yeah, the reason I joined wasn't very "godly"; God wasn't the ultimate reason I helped out.

So why did I help out, putting so much more than the years before? Was it because I'm a CGL this academic year, or because I just wanted some recognition?

Nope. That never even crossed my mind. I think.

The reason I helped out in such even is the same as why I joined the CF in campus. Being a lower than average christian, I can't think much of how to impact and bless the university I'm studying in.
I can't even help people in their studies, as I'm barely surviving on my own, being an average undergraduate.
The only thing I can do to bless this university is to help out in whatever thing the dedicated and active christians around are doing.

The second reason would be because of my juniors. I can't stand the fact that too few people are doing too much. I cannot keep an eye blind whenever I see them putting so much of their time into works that should've been done by the lot.

I'm not blaming the majority of the people for not helping out more. I would have remained the same if it's not because God decided to show me all these.

I previously would tend to not help out because I thought that even if I don't go, since the CF is so big, there'll be a lot of people who'll go. It was during the CF's apple giving session that I'm shown that it's never so.

It's the minority who does the work of the majority. And I don't like that. I don't like how my juniors are being drained of their strength and time like this. I do not like to see my friends doing most of the works, getting discouraged at times, while the rest of the people are hanging out or sleeping their day off.

That was when I made a vow, that I won't stand and watch. Whenever I can, whatever it is, I wanted to be a person who'll lighten up their burden. This is not the kind of christian life they're suppose to live. Their precious time and strength and life should not be robbed by the majority of passive christians around.

Back to the Easter Event. Yeah, being involved in such a hectic and busy thing would either lift someone's faith up, or pull it down.

With few hours of sleep, and spending the whole daytime in the campus helping out, that's not my daily dose of life. Yea, for some of you, it might even be your routine, but it's definitely not mine. And going like that for few days, it has taken it's toll on my body, and personality. I entered my don't-care-about-what-others-think berserk mode, but it didn't last long. I had to turn back to normal in order to not hurt the ones I cared about. Hmm...

And I've seen some of my friends in the same condition as mine, they went totally haywire with the lack of sleep, some probably don't even have any, and the hectic schedule. Well, it'll probably be better if that's all, but when you're dealing with people, it can go very bad.

Many hurtful things were said and done, relationships and friendships aren't gonna be the same anymore. But whether it'll go bad or good, depends on how we walk our days together.

But it's just refreshing when everything's done, when at the end of the day, we can look at each other and say, 'it is done.'

There will be a lot of things that can be learned and benefitted from this kind of thing. It's just a matter of whether we will spend our time to reflect and rethink. Will we just treat it as a passing wind, or a breeze that can refresh our faith, and lift us to higher heights.

No matter what, I hope that it is in His plan to bless us through this event, to bless everyone who's involved, and participated, even when we just wanted to bless other people.

May God be the strength of our hearts.

much more faithful

Awaiting joy.
Let it fill my heart with bliss.

Why are you so much faithful than I am?

I've said many times that I'm grateful.
I've said many times that I'm thankful.
And I've said many times that I love You because of that.

Are those just mere words?
Spoken with no worth whatsoever?

Why is it that this heart is so easy to get discouraged?
Why do I look at the few mistakes and rejection,
overlooking the few thousands blessings and acceptance?

Why is it so easy for me to run away from You when things don't go my way?
Will I ever stay true to my words?
To stick by You no matter what?
I know I shouldn't live by my feelings,
but what do I do when I can't remember why?
What do I do when I don't feel like caring anymore,
or I can't remember why I even cared to care.

I hate myself for being weak.
Shouldn't I be strong?
Or at least run towards you when I fall,
instead of running away.

I hate myself for thinking too much.
To have pride in my own capabilities.
To pride myself in the things You've given me.

I hate myself for caring too much.
When at the end of the day, I'm sure to get hurt.
I know it'll happen, You've prepared me for it.
But when it happens, it just... hurts.

I hate myself for loving this much.
When I don't even know why I even loved in the first place.
I don't know where You are in this relationship.
I don't know where to place You.
I don't know what to do.

I said that You're the very reason that I lived.
I fear that it might not be so anymore.

I need Your insights Lord.
I'm asking for clarification,
and what I get is more, and more questions.

Does the answer lies in letting go?
Of all that I love?
Of all that I care for?

I need my personal getaway with You. Much much more than before.

I'm stagnant. I do not know where to go.

I do not know what to do. I do not know what to say.

So guide me, please?

Please...

I dared to ask all these, simply because I know that You're so much more faithful than I am.

absolute definition

Talent. What is there to be proud of? What is there to be bragged about? It is something you're born with, a gift given unto you. Not something you've earned, or something you've worked hard for.

Envy. Why envy? Why look at things people have and you don't? We like to compare a lot. Yes, we do. We measure ourselves using other people's ruler, and when we come short, we become envious. Deadly poison for the soul.
We just don't realise that we are also an object of envy to some other people. All of us have something only we have. A mixture of different abilities and weaknesses. That's how we're different. There'll always be a lot of people after us, but there will never be one that is like us.

Compassion. Just what is compassion? Is it a feeling stirred up within you whenever you see someone in need of help, in need of care, in need of pity? How if that no matter what, I can't invoke this thing called compassion from within me?
Am I uncompassionate? Am I that bad? Is it even me who is at fault, that no matter what, this kind of sentiment refuses to appear?
Can one learn to be compassionate? Can one even try to be compassionate? Or is it more to an action taken after learning of one's misfortune, rather than the feeling felt?

Kindness. Just what is kindness? Is it something done, because our hearts are stirred for it? Or is it something we do, because we know we should do it? Are there motives to being kind? Or should there be motives to kindness? Or kindness with no reason at all is not kindness at all; or maybe kindness with no reason at all is the ultimate kindness there is? Hmm...

Are these even plain things with easy explanations? Is much thinking blurred what's supposed to be an easy truth? Or are these just something very vague, with no absolute answer, with no definite definition?

Jesus Lord, please help us to define the values that you've instilled in our hearts. At times, we are confused, and the only one who can clear us of confusion is You. So grant us Your wisdom, grant us understanding to many things, to many issues that we are going to face in this journey of life.

Thank You in advance.

this trust

Why is such brokenness felt?

My heart seems to have been tear down; I'm not surprised, but why did it happen so loud, that all I can hear is the sound of it collapsing?

Dear dear Lord.

I understand more now why it is better to leave it to Your plans, rather than my own.

Everything seems good in my sight, but things don't always go the way I want to.
Because I'm not you. How shortsighted I am, and how longsighted You are.

Few more months left, and I'm released from this responsibility.
To return to the shell once again, to work from the shadows.

The more I know, the more distant I feel.
The more I care, the more aches I have to suffer.

Is it not already enough Lord.
Isn't it already time for you to get me out from here?
You've shown me much in a year. Is there more?

I wanna go away, being the misfit that I am, being so different from everyone that I know.
I do not want to show any of my core so much,
to be used and poked,
it hurts. it hurts.

But if all these seems well to You,
I'll wait. Yes, I'll wait.

If it's not yet the time to be removed from this, so be it. I've learned that Your judgements and plans are better than mine.

I want to rededicate this proud, foolish and filthy heart into Your care, Your cleansing work.

If it is good that I'm heartbroken,
let it be.
If it is good that I'm hurting,
let it be.
If it is good that I feel like running away, but can't,
let it be.

I'm ready to be more than this. I'm ready to be even more different from all the people that I know. I'm ready to be more than the misfit I already am. I'm ready to leave the feelings I have.

If You can die for me, I can live for You.

So let me be, let You be.

I await deliverance, not from people, not from anyone, but from You.

Be still my soul, with all you are.

numb

I don't feel like posting anymore.
I also don't feel like replying emails anymore.
I don't feel like going the extra mile for people anymore.
I don't think I like her as much as before anymore.
But I also feel like I don't like everybody as much anymore.

I'm numb.
Probably.
Or made numb.
By myself.

A way of escape?
Maybe.
Running away?
I wish.
Maybe I'm at the edge of my limits.
And inside of me, it just wanna stop.
Don't wanna feel the way I felt, anymore.

I'm numb.
Maybe.
Or became numb.
To everything.

I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't wanna chat about it.
I don't wanna think about it.
I just wanna be numb.
For as long as I can be.