point taken

I guess there are just things you shall not share with other people, no matter how close you think they are to you.

Point taken.

thank you Lord!!!!!

Thank You Lord for letting me pass all my previous trimester's papers,
Thank You Lord for helping me get my computer running again whenever I can't start it,

And thank You Lord for reviving my dead phone!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's an unthinkable miracle!!!
No wonder I can't sleep and suddenly thought of turning on my phone.

For your grace is so great,
My heart will never be large enough,
To contain every pouring of your blessings,
Never ending blessings~

grace

and Your grace is like the height of heavens,
where it reaches I cannot see,
where it ends I do not know,
it pours like rain from the sky,
as deep as the oceans below.

sorry

What do you do when people complain about the decision you made? And it's not even entirely yours?

Do you try your best to be better, or just quit it since you don't really want to care for that particular matter?

I like people being honest, but let's not do it "it's your fault you better fix it" way.

I have feelings too ok?

And I'm sorry for my mistakes, leaving perhaps many dissatisfied people. I'm sorry. It's my fault for not being good enough anyway.

I'll try to be better, but I can't guarantee you anything.

Because I don't know what the future holds, but I'll try.

nap

God, I have faith in You,
but holding unto hope that I can't see,
is tiring.

I'm taking a nap aye?

sigh

I think, I'm gonna let go,
It doesn't seem like it'll work out anyway,
Yes, it doesn't seem like it'll go any further,
No, I'm not a quitter,
Cos I haven't even started yet,
But I'm letting go,
Yes, I'm letting go.

Sigh.

if I weep

If I weep,
Over the death of a loved one,
It only meant,
We won't be able to see each other in this lifetime,
Only memories will follow,
Missing deeply.

If I weep,
Over a troubling situation,
It only meant,
I'm waiting for God's comfort,
I'm waiting for His help,
Waiting quietly.

If I weep,
Over the salvation of my loved ones,
It only meant,
I'm pleading to God,
That perhaps He would see my tears,
And grant me my pleads.

If I weep,
Over the death of a stranger,
It only meant,
I'm regretting the times,
When I did nothing to know the person,
When I should've done so.

If I weep,
For no reason at all,
It only meant,
There's something wrong,
I need a voice that cares,
I need a shoulder to lean on.

I thank You

I thank You,
For the papers I passed,
Even tho I deserve to fail,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the rain withhold,
Even tho I deserve to be wet,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the friends that You gave me,
Even tho I deserve to be alone,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the financial provision,
Even tho I deserve none,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the people who I loved, and probably loved me,
Even tho I deserve no love,
Even when I don't deserve Your grace.

I thank You,
For the phone I have,
Even tho it's broken now,
I know You will provide.

I thank You,
For the hands I have,
Even when I'm sore from carrying things,
I'm glad when I'm home.

I thank You,
For the feet I have,
Even when I'm sore from walking,
I'm glad when I'm home.

I thank You,
For being You,
For all the time of faithfulness,
Even when I'm not.

I thank You,
For stepping out to die for me,
Claiming the right to be my God,
Even when I don't deserve to be with You.

I thank You Lord.

overlooked

It seems like even when you're tired and exhausted, once you missed or overlook something, there's probably no second chance.

And there's probably even a price to be paid.

at lost

I don't know how to what to write right now.

I don't know what to do also.

Dealing with annoyance, repetitively,
From the people I should care for.

Dealing with a heart,
That looks at sufferings and catastrophy apathetically.

Dealing with a life,
That is far from my liking.

Dealing with my feelings,
Which I don't truly understands.

Dealing with my mind,
That thinks strangely.

I need You God, evermore so.

forgotten

I've totally forgotten how easy it was for me to hurt people.

The things I said, I thought of them as light jokes,
but to others, they were piercing insults,
and hurls of hurting words.

I've totally forgotten how I wished for people not to know me,
for they'll probably lived better,
happier.

I've totally forgotten how it'd be best for me to keep my mouth shut,
in all occasions.

I can never drive them away,
But I can run away and disappear.

But I wouldn't do that.

I'll speak less,
joke less,
and hang out less.

It doesn't matter if I'm hurt, as long as I don't hurt people.

It really doesn't matter at all if I'm all alone,
I'm used to it.
It has always been like that,
So, it doesn't really matter.

Yes, it doesn't really matter.

to you

To my ex cg leader:

I may had not said this but even if I said it I don't know if you'd take it seriously. Contrary to your belief, I see you taking up the role of leadership of the cg not because there's no one else who'd do it. I see it as God has made it such that there's no one else that'll be able to do it except you.

You did well, honestly.

I've seen how much you've changed while you're at it, and I wish some of the changes would stick till now. :P

I've seen you become more humble, more attentive, and more mature.

I'm sorry that I was not as supportive as I should, I just had to miss a few months of CG for the sake of my spiritual and knowledge growth. I was a bit dissappointed for the lack of support though. I guess we're even. :)

Just wanted to say it wasn't coincidental, it wasn't something "no one else would, so we picked you," it was "no one else could, so we picked you."

God is preparing you for something. It's not obvious, but He is. Just hope you'd notice. :)

Things are never coincidental. They are incidental. Because we've got a master Planner up there. He has a lot of plans for us, whether we notice it or not.

Hope this blessed you. Thank you for your support through the first semester. I am blessed.

May He blesses you with many things,
His grace keeps you safe,
His mercy keeps you going,
His Spirit keeps you strong.

self reminder

This post if a reminder for myself for the near future.

Today, as I look upon my own laziness, and undedicated heart, both unto God and my studies, there'll be no way that I'm going to have a good result this semester. This is the worst semester ever, where I seldom touch my notes, where I totally don't understand what most of my subjects are about. My coursework marks are low, lowest ever. I perceive that even passing is hard.

Yet, I'll cast all unto God, dedicating this few weeks unto Him. If I'm carried through, let this post be a reminder that all the wonderful things happen not because I'm smart enough, but my God is merciful. I pray that my following post will be about thanking Him of His goodness, of His wonders. I pray that my next post will be a strong declaration of my faith in Him. I pray that my next post will be a blessing for those who read it.

If you're reading this, please pray for me. A short one will do. I thank God for everything that I have, even this little breath that is in me. I'm worried, and lazy, but God, take my worries, and give me a diligent heart.

For He is good, His love endures forever.

waiting, with all i am

What happens when you thought you're comfortably conversing with God daily,
you actually found out that He has stopped speaking to you.

What happens when you wanted to get back to bible-devotioned life before your period of busyness,
you found out that, to your horror, your passion for the Word has dreadfully disappeared.

What happens when you thought you have the fruit of the Holy Spirit,
you found out that everything in your sinful nature struggling to break loose?

What happens when you thought that you're very caring, very loving, very benevolent,
you found out that you're actually very selfish, has bad-intention filled thoughts, unconcerned with anybody's life and problems but yours?

What happens when you need to talk to somebody,
but aren't willing to say anything?

What happens when you wanted to seek God back,
but your repentance and passion seems so fake?

What happens when your life seems so good,
but it's actually crumbling apart?

Do you flee?
From your badly-trampled life?

Do you run?
From the devil's attack that seemed to be successfully executed on you?

Do you seek?
God when He seems to be so distant, so deaf to the pleas, so disgusted with the pretense you put on?

I wish I am sorry.
I wish I am repentant,
I wish I don't feel the way I do.

But why am I not?

Will I allow my life to be trampled upon by satan?
Will God allow my life to just slip away, wasted, and ruined?

I need You today.

If it were few weeks back, even if I don't sense Your presence, I know You're here.
But today, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not so sure of anything anymore.

Despite the smiling face I put up every now and then,
My heart is crumbling apart, my spiritman is dying,
I might go and waste my life again,
Away from God.

And I'm scared of that.
I don't want to see that happen.

So help me God.
I'm waiting,
With all I am.

loneliness

Hmm...

If we human feel lonely and abandoned when people don't bother about us.

I wonder how God felt throughout the centuries.
Even about His redeemed people.

Hmm...

my hymn of mourning

I did little when I could have done so much more.

I did not care when I should have.

I was not loving when I should be.

I slack when I shouldn't.

Forgive me a sinner,
when I could've done so much more, but never did.

Lord,
forgive me a sinner.

For this is my hymn of mourning.

christian fellowship

After a lengthy conversation with a junior, I've come to know more about my university's CF, and have come to love it more than ever.
When I say CF, I meant the group of believers plus some interested non-believers, and more than that.
I meant the very people who form this group, from the friendly ones, to the not so friendly ones.

I may not very much loved them, but I think I'm beginning to.

Of their unceasing passion,
Of their unending love towards God,
Of their sacrificial efforts.

Yes, I think I'm starting to understand what they stand for, what they do, why they do. While you might say that it's obvious that they're doing it because of God, but I believe it's more than that.
It's probably the love that they have for the people who share their faith.

It is a Fellowship afterall.

Where we learn to help each others up after every fall,
Where we learn to tend to each others wound,
Where we learn to care for each other with genuine love.

me, my life, and busy-ness

Had CG combine today. Actually it just ended. Oh no. I forgot to pay attention and learn how other CG do stuff! >_<" Can't help it. Was feeling numb. Don't know what to do. Probably crowd-phobia kicked in again.

Anyway, I just realised that if there's a graph of "prayer vs busy-ness", mine would either be linear, or exponential. Meaning I'll pray more if I'm more busy. Yes, by that I'm saying that my prayer life is lacking, and by also I admit that the more busy I am, the more I need God's wisdom, and strength to do it all.

For me, life as a student, as a son, and as a person, is not seperated from my life as a christian. It's the same thing. For me, busy studying is also something that is done by God's grace, for God's glory. It's both a responsibility, and a luxury, given to me by God.

That's why when some of my CG member has something to do, be it finishing assignment, studying for a paper, something to do in a club/society they joined, I'm ok with it, and I'd be glad to ask them to go on with it, and give it their best.

You may argue that "serving God" is more important, and by that I'm assuming church, CF, and/or CG works, but do all these matters if you flunk your papers? Would that be a bad testimony to your fellow peers, lecturers, and parent?
Like few God-given-wisdom people said, let God not be the top priority of your list, but let Him be the center of it all.

If I were to play game, I pray to God that He'll teach me to be patient, (games can be frustrating, a wonder that we still play :P) to not be quick to curse, and to be a cross-bearer even. And sometimes, games can make you forget that you're a christian, and even before you know it, you've let all hell break lose, from within yourself.
Just few days ago, I've created a clan in a MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), obviously with no members, bearing the name "evangelofchrist", meaning the "Good News of Christ." That way, at least I'll remember that I'm a christian, and maybe even sharing my faith with people who get into contact with me. *grin*

If I were to watch a movie, I'll ask God to teach me something out of the movie. Some movies can have nothing to do with your faith, but in some way or another, you can always relate yourself to it. Just let God do the whispering. ;)

If I were to go on a journey by myself, when I simply waiting for transportation, I'll have a chat with God, and often, He speaks directly to my heart, many, many things.

And if I were to study, do assignments, lab reports, I ask God to give me wisdom, and strength, and many times, He has shown His grace, by giving me understandings, that I would never be able to attain, even if I were to give my very best. Trust me on this, I know my limits.
Thus, most of the time, I couldn't bear the wonder of His goodness, given unto me, even during my time of extreme unfaithfulness, and disobedience. I'm rendered speechless before Him.

And even when I'm writing these things, I still seek His guidance, that these would not be merely my thoughts, but things He wants me to learn through my own writings. The reason that I'm moving from my personal journal to blog is so that anyone, who might stumble upon this blog will be blessed, and encouraged by truthful statement of how God has been good to me.

There are things that I don't share among my friends, because I wouldn't know which testimony would serve to encourage them best in different times, so if they were to ever stumble here, they can just simply scroll to read things that they can relate, at any particular time. :)

Yea, I know I'm jumping topics, but that's just simply because I have a lot to share.

Anyway, I hope that you'd be blessed, if you've been somehow "divinely" directed here, to find something that connects to your own life.

And know that no matter how big you open your eyes, you won't clearly see the wonders God has done, been doing, or will do in your life, unless you ask the wonder-doer Himself to reveal it.

So, ask today, and allow your heart to be blessed, so that even if you're super busy, super tired, or plain numb, you'll go to bed smiling.

May God bless you this day. :)

sunday special

My passion level to blog is low right now, but I'll continue to write of God's goodness in my life, regardless of my own emotional rapid changes. Sometimes I hate how my mood can change so fast.

From being hyper to suddenly feeling down.
From being happy to suddenly feeling sad.
It's like I choose to accept a lie over a hundred truth.
And how easy for me to disregard thousands of encouragements just because of one discouragement.

But there's good from it also.
From a deeply saddened person, just by a comfort received, I'll be overly joyful person again.
From a broken heart, just by receiving a smile from people I loved and cared for, I'll be grinning widely again.

I wonder if this weird being is testing God's patience. I wonder if it's ok for me to always change so fast. Is it because of a lack of self-control, but then again, can you control emotion outburst?
Hmm..................

Went early to church today again, to attend the second last part of the evangelism class. I don't know why I ever enrolled for it, probably God wanted me to learn something from it. *shrugs*

Worship was great. I just love hyms. :) And sermon was about the reason churches are not out there, loving people enough to guide them to God. Everyone was asked to participate in a soul pledge something, where we pledge to continue to pray for those we hope will come to know God.

5 names was needed. For me, it wasn't enough. I just realise that there's so many people I wanted to see being led back to God.
My family, my godsisters, my internet friends, my housemates, my friends, my juniors...
It seems like there's too many people, but too little time. We're eager to see our loved ones come to know God as we were before, but as we know it, people need time. But being as we are, impatience is our nature. *sigh*

I came back to my condo in cyberia, in sleepiness, but I still need to tend to my computer. I switched it off the night before, to give it rest after a week and now, it won't start.
I did everything I know, removing the fan, which seems to be the problem as there's sound that comes out from it. Wrong.
I remove my harddisk to test it on other computer, which proves to be a pretty troublesome and hard work, which I abandoned and returned it to my system.
I took out the cpu and admired it before putting it back. Yes, it was pointless, but I had to try something!
I'm out of my wits. I connect everything back, and started praying. As unfaithful as I can be, I try to believe as much as I can that God can help me start the computer, while I remind myself of how He has helped me solved some of my computer problems before.
Don't ask for details, because I don't know why my computer was able to start after that.

While you might say that it's coincidental, but because I prayed, and I told Him that if it works, I won't regard it as being a coincidence, and will give Him the glory, I will believe that it's His intervention that enabled it to work.

This is the manner of those who choose not to believe. They say that they will believe in God if 'something' happen. That 'something' could range from voice booming from the sky, sudden miracles, angels appear, God appears to them, etc. etc. etc.
But from what I know, if you will not to believe, you will not believe. Even if all those things happen, you would most probably say that they're coincidences, or trying to compensate with "logical" explanations.
If you've decided that you would not believe, you'll harden your heart no matter what happens.

That's what happened in history, and we're the same sinful people we are. God gave the Hebrews a pillar of fire to give them light in the night and a pillar of cloud to lead the way in the day when they're fleeing Egypt, but even so, a lot of them refuse to admit the sovereignity of God, and went worshipping idols.
Jesus performed a lot of miracles during His ministry on earth, yet, a lot of people who witness the miracles chose not to believe.

If you will not to believe, no matter what happens, you will not believe it.
So, before you give the verdict, open your heart for once, 'taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him' - Psalm 34:8
My life started from this verse. I challenged Him to something, and He was up to it. I kept my word and from that day onwards, I serve Him only and no other god.

I hope that this little bit of sharing will encourage those who believe, and for beloved people who has yet to believe, I hope you can 'taste and see that God is good.'

Looking forward to God's wonder during my one week midterm holiday, despite my busy schedule and ups and downs in life.

I might not be joyful always, but when I'm down, He's there to lift me up. Always. :)

God bless.

petty dilemma

Dilemma.
Having so much to share.
But it'd be weird to blurt out everything in one shot.
And my sequence coordination is bad.
Too many things observed and learned in a day.
If I were to blog it all...
No I wouldn't do that!
I'm far too lazy! :P

I can only thank God for the things that happened.
I can only thank God for enabling me to learn from things that has happened.
I can only thank God for humbling me enough to accept the things that I've learned.
I can only thank God for His grace in my life, which is never lacking, which can never too much, which is neverending. :)