self reminder

This post if a reminder for myself for the near future.

Today, as I look upon my own laziness, and undedicated heart, both unto God and my studies, there'll be no way that I'm going to have a good result this semester. This is the worst semester ever, where I seldom touch my notes, where I totally don't understand what most of my subjects are about. My coursework marks are low, lowest ever. I perceive that even passing is hard.

Yet, I'll cast all unto God, dedicating this few weeks unto Him. If I'm carried through, let this post be a reminder that all the wonderful things happen not because I'm smart enough, but my God is merciful. I pray that my following post will be about thanking Him of His goodness, of His wonders. I pray that my next post will be a strong declaration of my faith in Him. I pray that my next post will be a blessing for those who read it.

If you're reading this, please pray for me. A short one will do. I thank God for everything that I have, even this little breath that is in me. I'm worried, and lazy, but God, take my worries, and give me a diligent heart.

For He is good, His love endures forever.

waiting, with all i am

What happens when you thought you're comfortably conversing with God daily,
you actually found out that He has stopped speaking to you.

What happens when you wanted to get back to bible-devotioned life before your period of busyness,
you found out that, to your horror, your passion for the Word has dreadfully disappeared.

What happens when you thought you have the fruit of the Holy Spirit,
you found out that everything in your sinful nature struggling to break loose?

What happens when you thought that you're very caring, very loving, very benevolent,
you found out that you're actually very selfish, has bad-intention filled thoughts, unconcerned with anybody's life and problems but yours?

What happens when you need to talk to somebody,
but aren't willing to say anything?

What happens when you wanted to seek God back,
but your repentance and passion seems so fake?

What happens when your life seems so good,
but it's actually crumbling apart?

Do you flee?
From your badly-trampled life?

Do you run?
From the devil's attack that seemed to be successfully executed on you?

Do you seek?
God when He seems to be so distant, so deaf to the pleas, so disgusted with the pretense you put on?

I wish I am sorry.
I wish I am repentant,
I wish I don't feel the way I do.

But why am I not?

Will I allow my life to be trampled upon by satan?
Will God allow my life to just slip away, wasted, and ruined?

I need You today.

If it were few weeks back, even if I don't sense Your presence, I know You're here.
But today, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not so sure of anything anymore.

Despite the smiling face I put up every now and then,
My heart is crumbling apart, my spiritman is dying,
I might go and waste my life again,
Away from God.

And I'm scared of that.
I don't want to see that happen.

So help me God.
I'm waiting,
With all I am.

loneliness

Hmm...

If we human feel lonely and abandoned when people don't bother about us.

I wonder how God felt throughout the centuries.
Even about His redeemed people.

Hmm...

my hymn of mourning

I did little when I could have done so much more.

I did not care when I should have.

I was not loving when I should be.

I slack when I shouldn't.

Forgive me a sinner,
when I could've done so much more, but never did.

Lord,
forgive me a sinner.

For this is my hymn of mourning.

christian fellowship

After a lengthy conversation with a junior, I've come to know more about my university's CF, and have come to love it more than ever.
When I say CF, I meant the group of believers plus some interested non-believers, and more than that.
I meant the very people who form this group, from the friendly ones, to the not so friendly ones.

I may not very much loved them, but I think I'm beginning to.

Of their unceasing passion,
Of their unending love towards God,
Of their sacrificial efforts.

Yes, I think I'm starting to understand what they stand for, what they do, why they do. While you might say that it's obvious that they're doing it because of God, but I believe it's more than that.
It's probably the love that they have for the people who share their faith.

It is a Fellowship afterall.

Where we learn to help each others up after every fall,
Where we learn to tend to each others wound,
Where we learn to care for each other with genuine love.

me, my life, and busy-ness

Had CG combine today. Actually it just ended. Oh no. I forgot to pay attention and learn how other CG do stuff! >_<" Can't help it. Was feeling numb. Don't know what to do. Probably crowd-phobia kicked in again.

Anyway, I just realised that if there's a graph of "prayer vs busy-ness", mine would either be linear, or exponential. Meaning I'll pray more if I'm more busy. Yes, by that I'm saying that my prayer life is lacking, and by also I admit that the more busy I am, the more I need God's wisdom, and strength to do it all.

For me, life as a student, as a son, and as a person, is not seperated from my life as a christian. It's the same thing. For me, busy studying is also something that is done by God's grace, for God's glory. It's both a responsibility, and a luxury, given to me by God.

That's why when some of my CG member has something to do, be it finishing assignment, studying for a paper, something to do in a club/society they joined, I'm ok with it, and I'd be glad to ask them to go on with it, and give it their best.

You may argue that "serving God" is more important, and by that I'm assuming church, CF, and/or CG works, but do all these matters if you flunk your papers? Would that be a bad testimony to your fellow peers, lecturers, and parent?
Like few God-given-wisdom people said, let God not be the top priority of your list, but let Him be the center of it all.

If I were to play game, I pray to God that He'll teach me to be patient, (games can be frustrating, a wonder that we still play :P) to not be quick to curse, and to be a cross-bearer even. And sometimes, games can make you forget that you're a christian, and even before you know it, you've let all hell break lose, from within yourself.
Just few days ago, I've created a clan in a MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game), obviously with no members, bearing the name "evangelofchrist", meaning the "Good News of Christ." That way, at least I'll remember that I'm a christian, and maybe even sharing my faith with people who get into contact with me. *grin*

If I were to watch a movie, I'll ask God to teach me something out of the movie. Some movies can have nothing to do with your faith, but in some way or another, you can always relate yourself to it. Just let God do the whispering. ;)

If I were to go on a journey by myself, when I simply waiting for transportation, I'll have a chat with God, and often, He speaks directly to my heart, many, many things.

And if I were to study, do assignments, lab reports, I ask God to give me wisdom, and strength, and many times, He has shown His grace, by giving me understandings, that I would never be able to attain, even if I were to give my very best. Trust me on this, I know my limits.
Thus, most of the time, I couldn't bear the wonder of His goodness, given unto me, even during my time of extreme unfaithfulness, and disobedience. I'm rendered speechless before Him.

And even when I'm writing these things, I still seek His guidance, that these would not be merely my thoughts, but things He wants me to learn through my own writings. The reason that I'm moving from my personal journal to blog is so that anyone, who might stumble upon this blog will be blessed, and encouraged by truthful statement of how God has been good to me.

There are things that I don't share among my friends, because I wouldn't know which testimony would serve to encourage them best in different times, so if they were to ever stumble here, they can just simply scroll to read things that they can relate, at any particular time. :)

Yea, I know I'm jumping topics, but that's just simply because I have a lot to share.

Anyway, I hope that you'd be blessed, if you've been somehow "divinely" directed here, to find something that connects to your own life.

And know that no matter how big you open your eyes, you won't clearly see the wonders God has done, been doing, or will do in your life, unless you ask the wonder-doer Himself to reveal it.

So, ask today, and allow your heart to be blessed, so that even if you're super busy, super tired, or plain numb, you'll go to bed smiling.

May God bless you this day. :)

sunday special

My passion level to blog is low right now, but I'll continue to write of God's goodness in my life, regardless of my own emotional rapid changes. Sometimes I hate how my mood can change so fast.

From being hyper to suddenly feeling down.
From being happy to suddenly feeling sad.
It's like I choose to accept a lie over a hundred truth.
And how easy for me to disregard thousands of encouragements just because of one discouragement.

But there's good from it also.
From a deeply saddened person, just by a comfort received, I'll be overly joyful person again.
From a broken heart, just by receiving a smile from people I loved and cared for, I'll be grinning widely again.

I wonder if this weird being is testing God's patience. I wonder if it's ok for me to always change so fast. Is it because of a lack of self-control, but then again, can you control emotion outburst?
Hmm..................

Went early to church today again, to attend the second last part of the evangelism class. I don't know why I ever enrolled for it, probably God wanted me to learn something from it. *shrugs*

Worship was great. I just love hyms. :) And sermon was about the reason churches are not out there, loving people enough to guide them to God. Everyone was asked to participate in a soul pledge something, where we pledge to continue to pray for those we hope will come to know God.

5 names was needed. For me, it wasn't enough. I just realise that there's so many people I wanted to see being led back to God.
My family, my godsisters, my internet friends, my housemates, my friends, my juniors...
It seems like there's too many people, but too little time. We're eager to see our loved ones come to know God as we were before, but as we know it, people need time. But being as we are, impatience is our nature. *sigh*

I came back to my condo in cyberia, in sleepiness, but I still need to tend to my computer. I switched it off the night before, to give it rest after a week and now, it won't start.
I did everything I know, removing the fan, which seems to be the problem as there's sound that comes out from it. Wrong.
I remove my harddisk to test it on other computer, which proves to be a pretty troublesome and hard work, which I abandoned and returned it to my system.
I took out the cpu and admired it before putting it back. Yes, it was pointless, but I had to try something!
I'm out of my wits. I connect everything back, and started praying. As unfaithful as I can be, I try to believe as much as I can that God can help me start the computer, while I remind myself of how He has helped me solved some of my computer problems before.
Don't ask for details, because I don't know why my computer was able to start after that.

While you might say that it's coincidental, but because I prayed, and I told Him that if it works, I won't regard it as being a coincidence, and will give Him the glory, I will believe that it's His intervention that enabled it to work.

This is the manner of those who choose not to believe. They say that they will believe in God if 'something' happen. That 'something' could range from voice booming from the sky, sudden miracles, angels appear, God appears to them, etc. etc. etc.
But from what I know, if you will not to believe, you will not believe. Even if all those things happen, you would most probably say that they're coincidences, or trying to compensate with "logical" explanations.
If you've decided that you would not believe, you'll harden your heart no matter what happens.

That's what happened in history, and we're the same sinful people we are. God gave the Hebrews a pillar of fire to give them light in the night and a pillar of cloud to lead the way in the day when they're fleeing Egypt, but even so, a lot of them refuse to admit the sovereignity of God, and went worshipping idols.
Jesus performed a lot of miracles during His ministry on earth, yet, a lot of people who witness the miracles chose not to believe.

If you will not to believe, no matter what happens, you will not believe it.
So, before you give the verdict, open your heart for once, 'taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him' - Psalm 34:8
My life started from this verse. I challenged Him to something, and He was up to it. I kept my word and from that day onwards, I serve Him only and no other god.

I hope that this little bit of sharing will encourage those who believe, and for beloved people who has yet to believe, I hope you can 'taste and see that God is good.'

Looking forward to God's wonder during my one week midterm holiday, despite my busy schedule and ups and downs in life.

I might not be joyful always, but when I'm down, He's there to lift me up. Always. :)

God bless.

petty dilemma

Dilemma.
Having so much to share.
But it'd be weird to blurt out everything in one shot.
And my sequence coordination is bad.
Too many things observed and learned in a day.
If I were to blog it all...
No I wouldn't do that!
I'm far too lazy! :P

I can only thank God for the things that happened.
I can only thank God for enabling me to learn from things that has happened.
I can only thank God for humbling me enough to accept the things that I've learned.
I can only thank God for His grace in my life, which is never lacking, which can never too much, which is neverending. :)

joy unlike the world's

How blessed I am today!
The way His grace poured unto me,
The flow of His mercy is unstoppable,
His love comforts me!

I said I'll give Him the glory for every little happiness in my life. So here I am, sharing it to all. *grin*

I asked for help in my lab session from God, and He granted it to me, was able to did the experiment without much problems, and it was unexpectedly fun! And there's this short Q&A session with the lecturer-in-charge. Given the understanding of the experiment, by His grace, me and my lab partner answered confidently. Wanted to answered in a more detailed manner but the lecturer kept saying "very good, very good", so I was like, "huh, are you sure you don't wanna listen summore?" No I didn't said that, but I wanted to. :P

Thank You Lord for lifting me up, and let me not be deceived anymore by the lies of the devil, trying to bring me down and render me an ineffective Christian. Let my pride be You, and let my joy be from the Holy Spirit.

God, help me to bless others,
That I may be blessed also,
Casting my cares aside,
To You who tends to it.

Thank You God for today! I yearn to see Your wonders more and more, in my life, and in the life of others.
Glory be unto You.

shy out

Do I have to change? To be a person who can survive better in the midst of a crowd?
Do I have to change? To be a person who don't panic in the crowd?
Do I have to change? To be a person who preaches to multitudes?
Do I have to change? To be a person that I am not?

Second week of the semester, first week of CG, and I'm already exhausted, disheartened and my tears might just drop some time later.
Probably it's my fault, for God made me realise that I cannot fuse weekdays with games and with responsibilities. Something has to be booted out, and it has to be the games.

But still, what's with all this expectations? Expect me to do great things?

Don't do that. I don't even know why am I called to this position. How could it be? The seniors must've made some mistakes. They must've judged me wrongly.

I am just an insignificant being who always get in God's way, obstructing His works. This filthy heart do not seek His way, this lips speak things which are offensive, this mind is far from His', and this body is broken and beaten up.

Do you not see that I am a person of poor judgment? Do you not see that I am a misfit? Do you not see that I don't do well in crowds? Then why must I do all this? Can't you see the more I try to blend in, the more foolish I look, the more idiotic I become, the weirder I'd be?

The place I'd choose to be is by the corner, listening to conversations.
The place I'd choose to be is where I encourage people to voice out, and I remain silent.
The place I'd choose to be is is where people shines more and I dim out.

Right now I wish to flee a while. But I do not know where I can go.
I wanna go somewhere secluded and wait for His comfort.
I wanna go somewhere far and wait till He brings joy back to me again.

Self-pity, I have become. Sulking, I am. Let me be for a while. God won't let me go for long. He'll push me back there into the crowds again. Where He meant me to belong.

why do we fall?

"Why do we fall?" The question that was repeated a lot of times in "Batman Begins." The answer in the movie was "so that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

For me, my answer is "so that we can learn to rely on God to pick us up."

It sounds simple, where we don't need to do a thing but wait for God to clear things up, but you forgot something. He's willing to pick you up whenever you fall, but on your side, you need to extend your hand to grasp His, and push ourselves up from the ground as He pulls us.

In the movie, the person that caught my attention was not Batman, but his father. He had such love for the people in his city to actually care for their welfare, and act on this passion. Even when he's in the midst of being robbed, he was so calm, not even bearing any hatred to the robber, and even died protecting his wife.

Such love. Such passion.

Can we christians carry that kind of love for the brethrens in our churches?
Can we christians carry that kind of passion to seek out the lost and guide them to salvation, just as other christians once led us from our darkness, to the Light?
Can we christians have such forgiveness for those who did us wrong, who hurt us, because their eyes are not opened to their crime?

If we will, let God enable us to do all things, that He wills for us.

The nice thing about Batman is that, well, though he hit people (can we call that self defense? :P), he never ignored injustice, but doesn't deal with the person's punishment. He leave it to the law.

I'm a person who's afraid of conflicts, avoiding any that I see, even trying not to be involved in other's. But God doesn't want me to overlook injustice, even when I'm scared. I pray that He give me the boldness to oppose injustice, but leaving the judgment to His hand, because vengeance is of the Lord. He will repay according to their works.

OK, away from movie, back to reality, I found out that this responsibility that I've just picked up, it's not that easy to deal with it. Sometimes I question my need to do it, when I should be having fun, doing things I wanted to do. The reason I'm doing it is because firstly, God has called me. Second, because of the hope of my seniors. And thirdly, because I've long to serve them, to be able to be a blessings to them.

Well, I can't say things for sure now, because it has just started. But I'm sure there'll be a time when I'll be discouraged. Sometimes we get disappointed with people, because they're not who we expect them to be. Sometimes we feel down, because things don't go the way that we hope them to be.

Yet, is that a good reason to stop?
Should a person who plan to build a tower not count the cost needed to build it? Lest he build it halfway and can continue no more, because he has no more money.
Likewise, once we've decided to care for someone, or take up a responsibility, we should be prepared for things that are to come, be it good or bad.

If we wanted to care for someone, can we blame the person for pushing our love away? We can't expect everyone to wanting to accept our feelings for them. What matters is you've decided that you wanted to care for the person, you should be prepared for rejection. And since I've decided to taken up certain responsibility, well, problems are inevitable, extra work is expected. I just have to face it with the strength from God.

Galatians 5:18 - And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Therefore, if we are working for a good cause, do not worry much, for God is with us. If you can't put your confidence in yourself, or in other people, trust God, for it is better to trust in God rather than men.

May your weary heart be blessed,
That joy may come again,
And may Grace flows down from heaven,
That your soul be comforted.

May we continue the good works that we have started in His Name, and may He continue the wonderful work that He has started in us.

Blessed be God,
Who gives strength in needy times,
Who gives grace during trials,
Who loves us, the person that we are.

blessed

Was so blessed by the refilling of God's Spirit at church service yesterday. I can't say that I've found my lost passion in serving the CG, but still, it was good enough to move my time that has stopped since a week ago, since coming back to cyberjaya.

While I thought I have a lot of friends that can help me in my times of trouble in cyberjaya, it seems like I was wrong. When I came back last week, and was informed that I'm locked out of my condo for the next 5 hours, there's not many people in my phone address that I can call.

Apart from my housemates, my cg leader, my friend lau, there's no one else I can turn to. Even my dear godsister has graduated. This place no longer hold much meaning for me, only my oath as a student, my bond to the church, and my love for the Fellowship.

Would God save me when I fall,
Would His grace raise me tall,
Would He ever hear my call,
That comfort may come to my soul?

The 2 months holiday was not wasted. God taught me a lot of things, He delivered me from temptations, He spoke to me every now and then. I found out that even when I do seek God for my "big" problems, I never even cared to consult Him in things which I deemed petty, and small. Among them are the merging of my CG with another one, a suitable time to fly back to cyberjaya, just to name a few.

How can I be so blind,
Lifted up by my pride,
To burn my own soul,
That I find no rest?

But who knows, these are all His plan for a greater good? I still believe that if we seek His will, things will work for the good of those who love Him. While I admit my wrong, and wish not to err anymore, yet, I anxiously awaits the beauty of His work, turning my error into a blessing.

Let me worry not,
That judging eyes may judge,
That hearts may condemn,
That lips may insult,
For You are One,
Who holds yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

But I do welcome honest and polite comments, though. But it'd be nice if it's less critical and more building, as how it should be. :)

I thank You for Your blessings,
Wonderful, wonderful blessings,
That never seems to end,
Whenever You make me smile again.

And let His will be done in my life, and also in yours. ;)

spent, almost.

Nearly spent, my spiritual bottle that is. Maybe I'm not meant to stay away for so long from the circle of fellow christians for so long. Well, I believe hermits had it easier. They don't have to deal with people, at least. Anyway, it's really tiring keeping your faith in an unbelieving community, especially when those who claimed that they believe, don't really seems to listen to the Person they claim to believe.

Would we not keep ourselves from evil, at least for the sake of people who have yet to see? Most of the time people shy away from God not because of Who God is, but because of us who claimed that we are His disciples.

I seriously need at least someone who share my faith journeying along with me, especially to hard lands like this.
Sad am I if I fall and have none to lift me up.
Sad am I if I stray and no one to guide me.
Sad am I if I'm broken and no one to restore me.

What?

What right do I have to think there's no hope for a person?
What right do I have to doubt others of their salvation?
What right do I have to think they're beyond saving?
What right do I have to think how a person should live?
What right do I have to despise what God has given me?
What right do I have to come before Him and pour out all my life before Him, seeking comfort, seeking confidence, seeking blessings, seeking things I don't have?

I have no right at all.

But He said it's ok, anyway.

I'm speechless beyond words.

BROKEN

Even in the midst of trouble,
Even in the bleakness of a situation,
Even when the sky is cloudy,
Even when things seem impossible,

You are there with me,
You are there to comfort me,

I may be an optimist,
Or maybe naive in the eyes of others,
There's indeed a fine line between the two,
But I'm not being positive for no reason,
I have a God who is GREAT,
Who can do ALL THINGS,
Who saves people,
Who delivers people,
Who restores people,
Who loves people.

In Him I put my trust, and no one else.
And I'm comforted in my weary heart,
And I'm encouraged in the midst of my tears,
And I'm happy that,
my God heareth me,
my God speaketh to me,
and my God loveth me. :)