Times up

The agreement was to let me play for 5 years.

That has been over for 4 months, and I'm late.

Today

I've always had ideas,
Of how my days could go,
I'd play them in my heads to get them right,
Over and over again.

But oftentimes,
Perhaps all the time,
They don't go the way they would,
My ideas not playing the way they should.

Though as the day goes by,
And as each idea die,
I'd still try to play each one of them,
The ones yet condemned.

But today it was a little bit different,
Though they didn't play well the same.

For today I expected to end the day,
By asking for her to lend her hand,
To hold them in mine and to tell her that,
I wish her all the happiness in the land.

But things weren't looking up,
I started backing out,
And I kept looking up and out,
To find me my way out.

And that was then she had her hands out,
Both of them held up,
Looked at me and then to tell,
That I am to wish her well.

So today her hands I gladly took,
Today I congratulate,
Today I looked into her dark, dark eyes,
And wished her a very good life.

Priorities

The problem with putting God in the center - instead of the top - of your priorities is you'll get confused if someone said you're "religious".

Girl power

If giving women more control over their lives lead to higher rate of divorce, so be it.

I'm done seeing a girl being so possessive of her husband simply because she has nothing else in life; I don't want to see another wife clinging on both life and a wife-beater simply because that coward is all that she has.

Stumbling block

To never, ever, hold someone back. Not at work, not in life.

Because of the fathers

There are people who have problem with (ignorant reading of) Exodus 20:5b, don't seem to have problem hating the children of a crook.

Fake memory

Once in a while, I'd have a recurring dream about going back to Form 6, not doing my homework and lagging behind in class syllabus. Plus a fake memory backstory of how I could've ended up back in Form 6, even though I've graduate from university.

Now I wonder if the recurring dream part is real, or the previously occuring dreams are fake memories of my latest dream...

qualified

What I know is that the argument that I just presented, is actually factually incorrect.

What I don't know is what makes you think you are qualified to talk about the subject when you don't know this.

insightdental

It has allowed me to become a person I wouldn't have been,
And with that has allowed me to see how I would be regarded if I'm not the person that I've always been; or whoever I'm thought to be.

These was never the reason for it, but I'm glad for this 'sabbatical' period.


I'm really glad.

Almost over

About 2 more years to go...

Meh.

piqued

You're sweet as hell online, but only sometimes offline.


I guess it'll be a while before I see you again offline; I don't fancy feeling insulted as if I'm some kind of stupid idiot when all I was doing was trying to be cute and silly.

Eventhough I miss you already.

because of their sin???

Think about Tower of Siloam before you voice your opinion, fool!

sorrow of God

http://goo.gl/PFNA4

no matter what

No matter what I do, I will be loved.

I will always be loved, no matter what.

road to hell

Road to hell is not paved with good intentions; it is paved with laziness and thoughtlessness.

sight

He who cannot see himself, cannot see the world.

replying by not

How do you reply a reply that is either irrelevant, nonsensical, or downright stupid without resorting to mockery?

I can't. So I am extremely silent when that happens. Or you can also say that I'm... speechless.

backchat

Are you tempted to say something that'll put me in an uncomfortable position?

Please don't. I might regret it.

losing nothing

You can't lose what you've never had, right?
...
...
Right?...

mean

You don't have to be important to someone to have the ability to hurt his feelings:

You just have to be mean.

yesterday

He looked at her. And he looked at her again.
He can hardly believe his eyes, that he's able to see her again after such a long time.

He is happy. He is glad.

But little did he know that she's not the same person from years ago.
Yes, she looks the same; sunshine-like.
Yes, she speaks the same, with a heart-melting voice.
Yes, she smiles the same; that same enchanting smile.
But she's not the same. She's not the same person from years ago.

Now, people change, I hope for the better, but yes, people do change.
I know you miss her, the her of the past. Yes, I know you miss her.

But to continue to hold on to that grief and regret, she of the past is not the only thing you will miss.
By being bitter, you will miss out on her of the present.
And you will definitely not able to see her of the future.

Yes, the past memories were sweet.
Yes, the past days were lovely.
And they're gone. Yes, they're gone.

Should one let it go, let it pass?
Should one abandon the past to be able to savour the present, and the future?
Should one abandon yesterday to be able to see today, and tomorrow?

I don't know. I don't know these things.
I only know that she's changed, and she will always change, whether for better, or for worse.

Yes, I need to deal with today. I need to know how to deal with tomorrow.
But oh, how I really miss yesterday.

respecting disrespect

You said I should respect your religion.

Now, I'm pretty confused and amused by that demand. The thing is, how am I supposed to respect your religion if you yourself disrespect it?

Do you even know what your religion is basically about? Do you even know what you believe in?

Honestly, are you asking me to respect your religion, or are you asking me to respect your ignorance?
Honestly, are you asking me to respect your religion, or are you asking me to not put you in a situation where you might have to re-evaluate your system of belief?
Honestly, are you asking me to respect your religion, or are you asking me not to make you uncomfortable with the possibility that you are wrong?
Honestly, are you asking me to respect your religion, or are you asking me to allow you to continue to be lazy?

Seriously, do you even know what you believe in?

God willing

If God wills me to live, I will live...

No, rather, if God wills me to live, I will try my best to live.

and that's how love looks like

Yeah, tell your girl that you love her, while holding your cigarette with your left hand and puffing out smoke. Tell her that you love her when she gets lung cancer from your puffs.
Yeah, tell your sons and daughters that you love em, while holding your cigarette with your right hand and puffing out smoke. Tell em that you love em when they get lung cancer from your puffs.

Yeah, berate these idiots all you want.
Complain about them.
Look down on them.

Do it as if you're doing anything to make things right.
Do it as if you're actually going to them and telling them that they shouldn't smoke in front of the people they claim to love.

Nope, that's something you wouldn't do.
Nope, that's something you'd never do.

All you want is to talk about it, to make yourself feel better.
All you want is to complain about it, as if you've addressed the issue and you've fulfilled your moral responsibility.

And that's all that you are,
And that's how you love, you hypocrite.

too late

Am a little bit sad today.

I wanted to back-up my old hard-disk (that I haven't touched for about 2 years), only to find out that it's already faulty, mechanically...

Normally I wouldn't be upset, but this piece of hardware kept my 5 years of memories, during the days when I lived most of my days on the computer/internet (Well, actually, I still am). It's like I've lost lost something, some part of me. Sigh.

Anyway, found this while clearing my disk. Something written about 2 years ago (prolly because I watched this):

Not everyone get a second chance, to make things right again,
Not everybody get to let go, stepping back to fight another day,
Not all people get to say goodbye, to pour that final heart's content,
And when it's all done and gone...

*I know it was 3 years ago, but I think I understand (kinda) now how you felt when yours died. It's late, but please accept my condolences...

none

Because he cannot bear the thought of losing anyone, he rather have none.

next

It's an awkward thing, but it's not too bad. It's a next step that I had to take, and I didn't even have to.

facts, fakes

We've never had a time in the documented history where we have such easy access to such huge wealth of facts of almost anything.

There's also was never such a time when there were so many educated people around.

It is just unfortunate that it is also now that we have so many of them who are incompetent at interpreting them...

yet, yet

I don't know which is worse: that I'm yet the man I wanted to become, or the fact that I'm not doing anything to become like him.

anything for you

You know what, I'd do anything for you.

...

Wait, now that's a scary thought.

smarter

I want to be smart enough to notice when my debate partner is pushing opposing points that are actually supportive of mine...

all talk

and much shame.

Debunked

Many people run around recycling (stupid) statements and (uninformed) observations that they think placed them in the smart people circle.
The amusing thing is that even those who opposed these people, say dumb things.

Am getting a little tired trying to push rationality down people's throat (or if I don't succeed in doing that, to make them look as stupid as possible). I think I'm gonna take a little break and just enjoy their little show.

But just in case you bump into this arrogant post, which would probably mean that we are personally acquainted, please at least read some of the articles below:

http://www.uwgb.edu/dutchs/PSEUDOSC/911NutPhysics.HTM
http://www.uwgb.edu/dutchs/PSEUDOSC/911NutPhysics0.HTM
http://www.uwgb.edu/dutchs/PSEUDOSC/911NutPhysics1.HTM

Unless of course, we don't really talk to each other, or we don't talk about 'important stuff' like this.
If I know you personally and you (or me) start talking about this, and you start saying all the 'smart' things and sharing all 'intelligent' observation, I don't really like to think of you as an idiot. Worse, to have to fight the urge to correct/debunk your 'evidence.'

Now, I'm not here to say you can't believe what you want to believe in. Just don't hate me should I make you look stupid, because that's what you deserve.
If you don't check your facts, or if you delude yourself into thinking you have the basic scientific knowledge when you don't, that's what you deserve. That's what you deserve for making me feel stupid for thinking highly of you.

Unless, of course, you've thought them through and actually have a rational counter. But I doubt it.

easier

I don't like to get acquainted with more people.

Because it's harder to criticize them after that.

perfected

It's like I never existed.

What more can I ask for? How can I not like this?

This, this is perfection. Thank you.

cannot

What, you want to do it, but you can't?

You mean, you've tried it? No? How about this: try for a year, every single day. And after that, if you still can't, come, and I'll hear of your disappointments.

Oh, you don't want to? Because although you've never tried it, you know you can't?

Then please find another 'friend' of yours who would listen to your whines, repeatedly. Someone who would pat you on the head and says, 'Now now, you don't have to try to be better, even though you've not tried to, simply because you just knew that you can't. Right. You'll never be able to, so, here's a cookie." *Om nom nom*...

Oh, such love your friend has for you. He even gave you a cookie!

seek first...

I want to feel important. I want to feel indispensable.

But why is it that I kept forgetting the more I strive to be important, the more I work at being indispensable, that the very same thing I'm running after, are running away from me?

Why do I kept forgetting that honour, glamour, and crown, these I never did earn?
Why do I kept forgetting that rich robes, scepter and prestige, these, they were given! And is given! And will be given!

But my job is not to seek them; they're mere bonuses, not the wage! Oh, when will this heart repent!

To Your side, o' Lord. Onwards, into Your charge. Let me not fall from Your sight; pull me to Your side.

Make me seek what should be sought. Let me wrought till the breath is naught.

youth

The more you worry that your youth will flee, the faster it will.

lifelong

"You've told me this is my ministry. You asked me to work on this. Now it's in shambles. I've failed. You've failed me. I'm ashamed... How can you do this to me?"

"When did I ever say that this is going to be your lifelong ministry, that this is going to be your work for the rest of your life? You asked me for a calling and I gave one to you. You accepted and you've been faithful. Now, if you please, let's move on to the next thing. I've got more plans for you."

"...Oki!" *smiles*

I'm right, because God...

I think I cringe every time I hear a Christian says "because God " when they're debating with non-Christian(s).

DO'H. AS IF THESE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOUR GOD. AS IF THESE PEOPLE TREMBLE IN FEAR OF YOUR GOD.

Until the day these people tremble in fear of your God*, I suggest you think of more intelligent and rational** arguments to use.

*I'm not suggesting that you go and terrorise them. That is not how our God works. And no, you don't get to justify this thought/idea by quoting from the Old Testament. Yes, things were quite colourful during ANE*** era, but that's only because there is a very good reason for that. You doing it to win a debate is not a very good reason enough.

**To train your "rationality," you may start here.

***If you don't get what I'm talking about, or even easier, if you don't even know what ANE stands for, quit that debate/argument. For now. I'm not going to tell you to never do that, but at least do it when you're properly equipped, and is informed enough. At least you would not look ignorant and stupid. And worse, to look like you're closed-minded****. And don't casually invoke God's name like it bears no meaning. Doing so disrespects your own God more than any non-Christian can ever do.
For this, you can start here.

****Now, I have no problem with you being closed-minded, as long as it's for the correct reason. There's not many things that are worse than appearing like an idiot for the wrong reason. If you want to be stubborn, do so intelligently and elegantly.

stupidity

I believe that if we ignore the stupid (people), they don't exist.

...

Well, I try to believe that.

...

Sigh...

opinion

Everybody has opinions: I have them, you have them. And we are all told from the moment we open our eyes, that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. Well, that’s horsepuckey, of course. We are not entitled to our opinions; we are entitled to our informed opinions. Without research, without background, without understanding, it’s nothing. It’s just bibble-babble. It’s like a fart in a wind tunnel, folks.

- Harlan Ellison

semantics

So, you really think it is all just semantics?
You really think that that little difference in wordings does not matter?
That that subtle difference does not change the meaning?

If you insist on it, then I must apologize. I'm sorry for overestimating your intelligence.

no choice

When you said you don't have a choice, I think you meant you don't have any other convenient choice.

stupidity

If you think that people who look down on others who they think are stupid, are stupid, I agree. I'm one of them.

endearing hypocrisy

There are people who dislike others making sacrifices for their sake, but they would've done the same.

And that is one of the many kinds of hypocrite that I'm fond of.

selflessness

Have you ever been (or did something) selfless, and someone comes to you and tells you that you shouldn't be. They tell you that you should be more selfish.

And these the same people who bemoans that the world is lacking of selfless people.

Is it me, or they don't really know what they want?

envy

Isn't it funny that when someone criticizes what our principle and lifestyle, they also envy it?

halfway

I have two ways to say goodbye.

The first would be to say it now, to say it in words. To do this, the sole purpose would be for the tears.

The second would be to say nothing at all, and to let time deal with the memory. Time and space will sweep things away, slowly, but surely.

Can I?

Maybe, just maybe your tears would convince me that I'm not unloved. That I'm loved. That I meant something...

But this would also serve to convince me that I do not love you as much as I think I do, for if I really do love you as much as I think I do, I wouldn't, no, couldn't bear to see you cry. Not ever.

I guess I just don't love you enough.




Or perhaps, just perhaps, that you couldn't care less.

untitled

If I'm your friend, I guess you don't need enemies, aye?

learn, educate

While we may complain that we're better off without our current education system, lack of it has been cited as the primary reason for poverty and social ills.
Maybe we ungrateful ones should trade places with those who are desperate for it, hmm?

Plus, these days, I find it harder and harder to differentiate between the educated (or perhaps ill-educated) and the uneducated, and more often than not, the latter could've been easily thought to be the former if one were to judge based on attitude and manner.

No, the second paragraph is not an argument against education. If we were to recognize that being a teacher does not imply that one has learned all that is necessary, but should still strive to gather knowledge, shouldn't it be obvious that a bad student cannot make a good teacher?

le petit foi

I hide my faith because of my weaknesses,
My weaknesses, they seem bigger than my faith,
Out of fear for my faith,
Fearing it be overwhelmed,
I hid it.
I hide my faith, where it is safe,
My faith is hidden where it is safe,
Because I am fearful for my small, little faith.

attention

I crave for attentions.

And that is exactly why I go to lengths to avoid them.

socialization

I have a disease. I have the tendency to inhibit growth in people, simply because I'm a misanthrope.

Don't ask me out for casual hang outs. Even if you find me charming. Trust me, you'll like me more if you see me less.

Find me only when you have problems. Problems that people in your normal elite circle can't deal with.

So, when you don't need me, please. I'm not the kind of person that waits for people to call me to go out and stuff. I'm perfectly fine in my own hole, with my books, with my access to the www.

I am but an anti-social-crowd-phobic-extrovert. Social gathering pains me.

OK, not really. I actually like going to weddings and see your smiling faces. :)

unpolished

Next to doing the right thing, the most important thing is to let people know you are doing the right thing. - John D. Rockefeller

Why? Because people are dumb. More often than not, things people don't see, don't exist; things they hear, do.

Oh, yes, we're not supposed to boast. But worse than boasting, is to purposely leaving people around you with the wrong impression. To allow them to wallow in that lie is a sure sign of irresponsibility.

Uh, by the way, if you can't do it without appearing desperate or proud or boastful, forget it. To continue in that untactful manner is to be irresponsible in a way that is worse than NOT saying anything at all.

pleasantly dreadful

I'm bent on letting her go through many things on her own. I cannot allow any hint that I can be depended upon, because she needs to learn on how to depend on people other than me.

But why is it that this heart is gripped whenever I think or read of the things that she's going through?

It's just like how I am fond of a woman who is hardworking, but it pains me that she has to work hard. A true contradiction, or a valid paradox?

Perhaps my heart isn't as cold as I thought it is. I might rejoice in this for a bit, but I'll be honest: this possibility is to me both pleasant and dreadful.

intelligence

If I would confess that I'm intelligent, then I am a mere fool because I know I am not; If I would say that I'm not, I have lied.

role model

If you're young and looking for someone you can respect and look up to, yet could not find any, how about start working to become someone that others one day can.

imperfection

There have been many period in life where I would look at my life and think to myself, oh, how I would like to get this-and-that done, perfectly if possible. Then I'll be happy.

But if so, then what?

Do I know myself enough to say that when it's all said and done, that I'm such a person to say, "let's look for something else to go after in life," or will I scare myself by saying, "that's all there is in my life; there's nothing else to look forward to?"

Hmm... I think I'll just allow myself to be contented with all imperfections I'm currently having.

Plus, I think imperfection is cute. ;)

phonecall phobia

I used to think that my fear of realtime phone calls is because of a certain-childhood-experience-induced phobia.

But now, I think it has got more to do with my sorry-my-cacated-ear-can't-get-you ear.

those promises

Now that I think about it, it seems like I've been getting a lot of reminder these days.

With the shifting, I-can't-deal-with-these-people-anymore, financial worries (yeah right. I don't even know how this came into the list. When looking at the actual record, it's a joke that it's there) and whatnot, it seems as if it's a call of "hey, when are you going to fulfill that promise you made Me?"

Well, not that I didn't realise it earlier; I just didn't want acknowledge it.

I did say that when you takes care of people, God will take care of you. And with all my promises of service, and the ring on my finger...

But of course, the fearful me would still not dare to tread the first step after admitting knowledge of all these things... So, are You going to poke me some more?...

game

This so-called love seems like some sort of game these days.

And I don't feel like playing anymore.

OK

I used to wonder why is it that most of things I say to you are just 'OK's.

I think I know why now. The only alternative is very undesirable.

severed

It's that time of the year again,
Let it continue, what has been placed on hold.

And the string-severecutting shall continue.

period

Don't ask me to open my eyes to see the world as it is,
For I fear the flowing would not cease,

Don't ask me to love more than I already have,
For I fear the stream would not end,

Don't ask me to give an embrace when I cannot,
For I fear this heart would not stop breaking...

time's up

It's been almost a year, and the call came tonight.

My time here is up.

hypocrisy

One of the thing that irks me the most is when a hypocrite calls another person hypocrite, but never realising that he himself is one.

Hey, have you looked into the mirrors lately? Count your own warts first, then only you're qualified to count others of theirs.

No, I'm not asking you to not judge people. I'm saying that according to my simple standards, you're allowed to say that others suck, only if you first admit that you suck too. Maybe then you would look less like a fool, and your emotional accusation would bears some weight.

fare thee well, acquaintances

Browsing through my Instant Messenger list and my Internet Social Networking list makes me sad.

How many acquaintances have I met, that are then turned into a new entry in a list, and after so many years later when looking at the list triggered me to say, "ah, I once knew them?"

This makes me really, really sad. I would normally analyze my own feelings, in an attempt to find out why I feel the way I do but for this case, I rather not.
Why wouldn't I? Because the question is irrelevant.
How so?

Before that, I would like you to know that this list of acquaintances was created before I was smarter. Before I was wiser. No, not wise, but relatively wiser than before (or so I hope). Since then, I've tried my best not to make more acquaintances in the guise of "friends." I've subscribed to the principle that friends should be like books, few but good.

I've also raised the bar of my definition of "friends," to become "people who are willing to die for me." I suspect some would think that my demand is ridiculous, but I rather think of it as honouring those who already are. Why should I equate these precious people with you people, who are just merely people I somehow knew?

But I'll be honest with you. This definition of "friends" prevents me from knowing whether I have any. I cannot answer the question of "so, do you have any friends then," since it's not only a problem of being a wrong question, but also it is a problem of asking the wrong person. It is meant for people around me to evaluate whether they are my friends, or perhaps more accurately, whether they want to be one (or still be one). After all, you don't actually choose your friends; they decide whether they want to be one.

So, I hope with this, you understand why I find it irrelevant to analyze the reason I am sorrowful whenever I think of fading acquaintances. If you don't, don't bother. I assure you that your time will be better spent doing other things.

Tonight is the night when I shall mourn for those I've met, who ended up as being someone on my lists. And also for those who will eventually end up as just someone on my lists.

Oh, no. For those who consider themselves my friends, please do not rally to my side just to show me that I have some. To me, such "proof" is no proof. It is not for me to know who are my friends, but for you to know whether you are mine. Plus, I rather that you spend your time with someone else. That is what you should do if you think yourself as my friend. It'll be my honour if you would do so, even though I would have no knowledge of it.

I would not appreciate your effort, nor would I be able to. And I'm an introvert.


So, to those who I barely knew, or have become so, I wish you well.
I wish you well.

ethical unethical tactfulness

Here’s a pointer that I hope would help some of you express your opinion more efficiently or while having a discussion in a non-professional/amateurish environment. :

If you’re about to write something that might be controversial,

1. Use the word ‘maybe’! It’s your best friend! Or,
2. Start your sentence(s) with the phrase, ‘I suspect.‘ Or,
3. Any way you can find to help the people you’re addressing not fall into the illusion that they are compelled/forced/smothered to accept your arguments or opinion.

Even if you’re an expert in the topic, one must maintain an appearance of humility, and gentleness and things like that.

Remember, contrary to popular belief, people don’t really care about who you are, only who you appear to be. Now, if my suggestion sounds unethical, remember, it’s more unethical to distract people from the content of your arguments by your careless choice of words and untactful structuring of sentences.

the day

I'm one to live everyday realising that the next second might not be there.



But hugs can wait, for one right day.

amusement

Counting, I should be giving tithe worth of RM X28.50 for the salary I've received.

So, just before I left for church service, I counted the money in my wallet.
RM 29.
Coins in pocket?
40 cents.

Hmm... 10 cents more, and it's RM 1 extra. I'll withdraw an extra RM 200 for my other expenses then.

So, off I went. Upon arriving, I returned two books, and since it's a week late, I'll have to pay RM 1 extra. RM 28 left. After having done with other works, off I went to the ATM. So, how much did I intended to withdraw again? Ah, RM X00+200. And with great blurness I keyed in "X00." Ugh. Should I withdraw again? (Because they charge RM 1 for withdrawing money from an ATM of different bank) It's ok, I won't need it till I go to the petrol station to fill up the tank. I can withdraw the money from there.

So, off I went for brunch. It was RM 2.6. Tea was 40 cents. RM X28.40 left.

Went back to the church building for the Sunday service. Got the only 10 cents from the car to complete the amount of the tithe. Dropped RM X28.50 into the envelop. RM 2 left.

Just before going back, I asked my sister whether she wanted anything from the area I'm at, and she said no. That means I'll be withdrawing money from the petrol station after all.

Went to fill up the tank, and withdrew RM 200 from the ATM. Spotted cotton candy. No price tag spotted anywhere. Paid RM 2 for it. There's still 5 pieces of 20 cents coin in the car, but I'm not gonna push my "luck" too far.

It's been an amusing day. ;)

nothing special

Am i supposed to feel special - really special? Because honestly, I don't dare to.

Too many times I thought I should, only to find out that the same thing has been said to other people, the same words had been written to many more.

I felt stupid, and I hated that.
I think it's more of the embarrassment for even dared to think I'm that special. Or perhaps a more accurate phrase would be exclusively special.

I rather you tell me nothing.

the perfect others

Oh, why oh why would you expect people to be perfect, darling? If they are, it'll only make you feel bad about your own obvious imperfection.

need & want

There's a big difference between what you need and what you want, and there's an even bigger difference between what you want and what you REALLY want.

real love 2

True friends are known through hard times; love is proved the same.

pleasing everyone

Contrary to popular belief, it is actually possible to please everybody!

All you need to do is to show different side of you to different people at different time, according to their preference.

Now, while that is all you have to do, it is nevertheless not simple, yet possible. Just make sure you don't get found out. If you manage to do so, you'd be a gentleman. But if you're found out, you'd be a hypocrite, or a jerk, depending on the level of hypocrisy of the one who found you out.

Happy trying! ;)

hard life

Much worse than living a hard life, is having no reason to.

It is when you're struggling that you know you're alive, and it is in overcoming that makes things worth it's while.

a reason to love

If love comes without a reason, would it depart the same?

timely eerie

Most of my major decisions these days are timely, it's almost eerie...

Do You really meant for me to severe all of yesterday's strings?

like autumn leaves

I think it's time to accept the fact that while these things are things I've prepared myself for, if it'll hurt, it'll hurt.

It's time to severe the threads of the past, and to move into the world I've been ordained to go to.

Despite the possible protest, I reckon a simple farewell would suffice.

It's almost time for autumn.

caring

Is there an optimum number to people who care about you?

Because it seems that if you have to many people who do, they become a nuisance.

distance

Sometimes, I think I should draw near.
Sometimes, I think I shouldn't. I should even go out of sight.

I don't know what to do. What do YOU want me to do?

:<

why still?

Why am I still stubbornly holding on to this, seeing that I've already given up such a life?

Is it to show to people that it is possible to love forever?
Even if I can, they'll come up with excuses of why they can't anyway.

Why am I pitting myself against this thing anyway? My heart, it's scarring; It's worse than the scratches on my ring.


I am on my own on this one.

disappointment

There are many things that I've done, even if it's wrong in the eyes of others, are products of much contemplation.

Sure, I'm just 24 going 25, a young brat who knows little of this world. I know plans do not always work out, I know sometimes people step on their principles when they're cornered just to get away.

Heck, I've never had any plans that was perfectly executed. Most of them ended in shambles.

Many of my principles are laid out based on past experiences. Sure, there are things that will be obsolete, which is why I would test out my principles once in a while, to see whether they're still relevant. And I have to say, the younger me who laid out those principles always appears to be wiser than who I am now.

There are many things that I knew I was going to regret, but which I believe is necessary, that I do. Well, regret isn't exactly the most accurate term; disappointed is.

For some of them, I'm glad I did, because I see the results. They often reaffirm what I believe. And for most of them, as expected, I went through disappointments.

I foresaw the ending, but kept with the plan, because I hope things will be different from what I thought it would be. Contrary to popular belief, I get more disappointments and tears not from going with my principles, but against them.

And this time again, I did it. I knew I was going to feel disappointed; I just didn't know that it's this much.

respect & tolerance

What is respect?
What is tolerance?

Are they one and the same, or are they different entities?

Was discussing this with a friend. We didn't really went to define what they are, but rather to assume that they're not the same, but are two different things altogether.

For now, this is our conclusion, that respect must imply tolerance, but tolerance does not necessarily imply respect.

Well, it's not what I think anyway, but this is the one we agreed upon.

What do you think?

illusion

Humans prefer to go for things that they know well, or things they think they know well.

Well, mysterious things have their charms, but over time, people would tend to feel frustrated. They feel frustrated that despite the effort invested in understanding, they can't.

People who are different from others would initially spark some interest. But as time goes by, if that illusion of understanding is unable to be conjured, they would walk away.

It's easier to talk to people, befriend those who you can understand, or think you will eventually understand, or at least have an illusion that you will understand them one day.

Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually walk away one day.
Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually place all your frustrations of being unable to understand me on me.
Come to me with that kind of motivation, and you will eventually blame me when you are unable to grasp my mind.

People change. I'm the kind that changes drastically. Or perhaps, I'm never one to let anyone live in the illusion that they have finally understood me. Perhaps, I frustrate people with my honesty.

It's not hard to know me. It's only hard if you're trying to understand me by looking at the wrong side of me. If you would know my Lord, you would know me. If you would know my Lord, you would understand why I'm so different.

I've once lost my all, and now He's my everything.

I'm not saying that all Christians should be like this; I'm saying I'm this kind of Christian.

I'm sorry that I'm unable to live to your expectations, nor will I allow myself to do so.
I'm sorry that I'm unable to let you think you've understood me fully, that would be dishonest.
I'm sorry that I'm unable to make things easier for you, but did you come to me thinking it'll be easy?

Are you frustrated at me because of who I am, or are you frustrated at me because every time you think you've grasped my mind, I would proceed to destroy that illusion?

praise

Praise the Lord!

Who understands what this actually means?

We sing songs to our Lord and call it praise.
Dearie, no matter what you call it, it's still called singing.

I've heard how you praised that smart entrepreneur, that benevolent philanthropist, and that beautiful celebrity. The praises Jesus get don't even come close to the praises they get from you. It's shameful to even compare!

Wait, did you even praised Him? The last time I heard you praised Him, you were singing. You sang song, and nothing else.

But let's be honest. It's not easy to ACTUALLY praise Him, huh?

grieve

I gave a part of myself today away, for the sake of becoming a better person, to be able to love more truthfully.

It's an improvement, and I should rejoice. But I'm not.

I'm grieving. I chose to grieve.
And I thank God that He does not think that my feelings are unimportant.

Thank You for grieving with me., despite the fact that I shouldn't.

Today, I grieve.

elders

I often do try to respect elders as much as possible, even when many of them are, well, one would say, never grew up from their teen years.

I suspect that for an irritating older person, there is almost always something in the past that caused him to be such, and for the sake of the years of experience just being alive, they deserve our understanding and respect.

Who knows, perhaps, just perhaps the love we give can heal their deepest hurt, that it would free them from the ghost of yesterday.

As for younger folks, especially those who are harsh towards their elders, you are not worthy of respect. I don't care how smart you are, you are not worthy of respect. The fact that you do not exhibit even a hint of desire to understand them shows your lack of experience in comparison to them. Like I said, I don't care how smart you are; the fact that you lack life experiences but acting so smugly as if you have much is enough for me to decide that you are not worthy of my respect.

But then again, I'm not that important to you that whether I respect you or not, matters, right?

;)

the best in you

If I were to be a debater,
I want to be one that would provoke the best thoughts from my opponent.

If I were to be a rival,
I want to be one that would bring out the best in him.

If I were to be a lover,
I want to be one that would cause you to bloom more beautifully, to flourish better than everyone else.


Why does my heart ache every time I see you far away, whenever you seem to shine with such glorious splendour?
It aches with both longing and love.

Perhaps the reason why I would ever want you to be plain is to keep you near, to keep you from being out of reach.

My selfishness disgusts me.


"Do you love her?
Do you know what’s the difference between like and love?
If you like a flower, you would pluck it.
If you love a flower, you would water it.
I would be watering it!" - Kim Jong Min

someone

Was driving to the airport just now. No, I will not tell you the reason of why I did that. Heh.

During the journey, somehow I felt that my heart misses someone. Someone who would sit by my side, someone to share the journey with.

So, I scan through people that I know, people that I thought would be that someone: My friends, my sisters, and even my favourite celebrities.
I even try to imagine actually having them there.

But to my surprise, I find that none of them fit the bill. They don't fill my longing.

I actually miss someone, but it's no one...

of the Bible and Jesus

"We do not have faith in Jesus Christ because we believe in the Bible, but we trust in the Bible because the Holy Spirit has brought us to faith in Jesus Christ through the Bible." - Theological Professors of The American Lutheran Church

different

People say that I think differently.

Do I?

Some prefer to be more tactful and used the word "special," but I prefer the word "weird." No offense taken. Weird is weird. Nothing is wrong about stating such a fact.

But for me, a question that is more important is, am I purposefully trying to be different?

It is evident in the games I play, that I would choose the kind of games where I can create a hero that is different from everybody else; I dislike the mediocrity.

And from such a habit/preference, it got me questioning my very nature, whether I'm actually not very different, only purposely making myself different.

But the catch is this, that when you create a game character that is different from everybody else, (which you of course, have to ensure is a good one, else you'd be tired of playing a character that's a failure) you would be looked upon with respect and admiration.

When it comes to real world, things are most probably different. Birds with same wings prefer to flock together, and this saying is quite the same with humans. No one (as many as I have known) prefer to be with someone so different, that the person seems so out of the world, that communication is hopeless. In this world, most of the time, being different means being ostracized. You get left out.

Or perhaps it is because of that, that I am purposefully different. (IF I'm actually purposefully different, no conclusion made yet)

Perhaps, I actually prefer to be ostracized.

Perhaps, I actually wanted to be left out.

Hmm...

first to leave

Perhaps it is because of the unwillingness to endure sadness from the departure of others, that I would prefer myself to be the one to leave first.

And honestly, such is really selfishness, and is the kind of selfishness that I can live with.

deity of Christ

To call a person who do not believe in the deity of Jesus Christ a Christian, is as absurd as calling the table a chair.
This is because the promoters, if we allow such an illustration, were people who believed that He is God's Son, that He is divine.

Those who would believe that Jesus Christ was a mere mortal would be better off coming up with a new term to describe themselves, like Jesusism or something, for it would be unfair to confuse an existing religion with a new one that is neither a sect, nor a heresy, but a totally brand new thing.

love today

"Love today, not tomorrow."


Some of you might say, how about tomorrow? We should also need to love tomorrow!

Well, the thing is this, that if you can't even love properly today, why worry about tomorrow? Why talk about tomorrow? It's irrelevant!

If you are already loving today, to your fullest capacity, you wouldn't bother to ask me the question that you just asked.

So, go. Love today. Tomorrow you can live the same phrase again. :P

already there

When I'm too tolerant, You push me to move,
When I'm too indignant, You allow me to go through broken moments.

Can it be any other way, that I'd always be stable,
That I'd always be at the level I'm supposed to be,
Unwavering,
Always perfect?

But if I'm already there, I guess You wouldn't be doing what You're doing to me, and in me.

Hmm...

right or wrong

Sometimes, we harp about love so much that, it is as if it doesn't matter if something is right or wrong. (as opposed to if "someone" is right or wrong) I suspect that I am guilty of this a lot too, though I cannot recall them now.

We talk about how we should mimic God's love, as if God never cared about right or wrong.

Well, it is true that we should show as much love as God has given us, for it is the hallmark of Christianity. But to say that God never cared about right or wrong, is not entirely true.

Sure, reconciliation is of utmost importance, but that does not mean that it can only be achieved through uniformity, or even agreements. Uniformity might make it easier to be united, but being united doesn't mean that we have to conform to a single thing, in all things.

To say that God unconditionally accepted everyone without a cost is a lie, because He did that at the price of His Son.

struggles

I once read a story about a guy asking his friend, of why Christians are struggling so much in their lives, while he, a non-Christian, is not.

Not knowing what to answer, the friend kept quiet.

It came to a time that they went hunting together. Downed two fowls, if I'm not mistaken.

And the friend told the guy to look at the two fowls, and said, "Look at them. One is struggling, and one is not. That one is struggling, because it is still alive. The other is not, because it is dead."


Often we feel like we're struggling so much, even when we're Christian. Isn't this religion supposed to be a cure-it-all magic pill that we take, a religion that's promises victory in every part of life?

And I dare not say that it cannot, because that is also some of the promises given to us. But I think that even so, Christians are those who echoes the words of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, when they said, "...If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."


And sometimes, when I feel so comfortable, that things seems to fall into their own place, and my life seems very victorious, I would start to feel wary. Not to say that these are not from God, but to know that I have a faithful spiritual adversary, that works day and night without fail to plan my fall, things are too good to be true.

Of course, being too obsessed with this would also naturally lead to a downfall, for we are being kept from doing what we're supposed to do simply because of too much doubt; perhaps such extreme wariness can even be translated to the doubt that God is for us.

I shall try to always remember that while I'm born here, I am not of here. My citizenship is of another Country, and I'm here, a foreigner. And a good foreigner I'll try to be, that I should not return my hosts with poison for my stay, even if they are not pleasant hosts.

Through the journey taken in this land far away from home, that I learn more of my Lord, as I walk to where He wants me to, as I do the things He commands.

I know how sometimes we yearn so much for Home, because things are so hard here, but I think being here, no matter how bad or how good it is, is essential. It is no There, but here that our love for God is tested, for us to know how much we actually love Him, how much we really want to be with Him despite our shortcomings. And when I say tested, it's not so much of "God wants to know," but rather "so we know it for ourselves."


Dear Lord, it's been said that You're not just after our heart, but all of us,
But there's a lot of things that is hard for us to give up, even to You,
We have our ambitions,
Our plans for the future,
That girl, the one that could be the perfect wife,
Or that guy, who could be the best of husbands.

The sins we indulge in,
They seem bigger than Your Love.
They really do!
Hmm...

And at times,
Even after accepting the perfect Love given,
Life feels empty,
Seems like there's no reason to even continue breathing.

Is that because we're such a pampered lot,
Or it's just phases that we have to go through?

And You know,
The intelligent arguments that we hear,
And the wonderful texts of so-called enlightened people,
Often so easily dissuade us from You,
They can so easily make us forget all that we've experienced with You,
Is such our love for You,
That rhetorics and sweet words are more real than the spiritual sight and intellectual experiences we had with You?

Where are our brothers and sisters that You've given us,
To nurse us our hurts?
And where were we,
When they needed us?

But,
But if real life is what we'll have,
By giving all that we are to You,
Not just our heart,
But also our ambitions,
Our plans,
Our indulgences,
Our loved ones,
Help us do so.

If losing our life for Your sake is what it takes to have a real one,
Help us do so.

If emptying our bottle is what You demand before You can starts pouring in,
Help us do so.

And we ask that in our struggles, make Yourself truer to us everyday, every moment.

But even if You don't, give us the faith to echoes the words of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that we'd be able to say that, "...If we are thrown into the hardship of life, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from all there is. But even if He does not, know this, that we will not renounce His name, nor forsake the Truth that we have come to know, Who, much more than we love Him, loved us even to death."

again

For all the times I've forgotten of how good You've been to me,
For all the times when I traded You for a pile of rubbish,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry...........

How can I be so stupid, again, and again, and again, and again...?

I'm breaking my own heart by breaking Yours... So many times...

T_T